Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, coffee joe calls trump cuckoo. Plus stephen welcomes Carol Burnett and lewis black. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you, joseph. Hey, everybody hey, jon. Thats nice. Thats nice. Thank you very much. Audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen thank you, everybody audience Stephen Stephen stephen cheers and applause thank you. Incredible. These people are incredible. Please, have a seat everybody. Thank you so much. Please. These people are amazing. This is the kind of crowd i would want two nights a week. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Jon thats right, thats right. Stephen double header. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is friday, and its been quite a week for the president. Calling senator Warren Pocahontas in front of navajo code talkers, denying that was his voice on the access hollywood tape, but weve all accepted that a little bit of crazy was part of the deal with a trump presidency. Kind of like how we accept theres a little bit of rat poop in hot dogs. Laugh its the flavor. This is delicious. It is true. Look it up. This week, just feels different somehow this week. And yesterday, whats the show, on the joe coffee morning, and the brew crew, coffee joe laid it all out. You have somebody inside the white house, somebody that the New York Daily News says is mentally unfit, people close to him say is mentally unfit, that people close to him during the campaign told me he had early stages of dementia. Stephen oh, so were doing this now . Its okay to say the d word . I thought we were all just supposed to smile and pretend he was being colorful, like uncle marty when he started wearing kleenex boxes as shoes. laughter , of course, its charming. Of course, java joe, herald of the dawn, knows its dicey to accuse the sittingp resident of going senile, so he went on. Now, listen, you can get mad at me if you want to. You can say its not okay to say but it is okay to say when are we supposed to say this . Stephen before he was elected wouldve been nice. laughter cheers and applause just just that would have been nice. Right . It would have been useful and joe joe starbucks isnt the only one pointing out trumps recent downturn. So is trumps biographer, a guy who spent a whole lot of time with trump about 30 years ago. He is decompensating, a psychiatric term. But what it means in simple terms is he is losing his grip on reality. He is more limited in his vocabulary. Stephen oh, i dont know. Its not that limited. It just went up to 280 characters. Laugh although, there are some troubling signs. Just listen to the president at his tax bill rally this week. These massive tax cuts will be rocket fuel. laughter little rocket man, rocket fuel for the american economy. applause he is a sick puppy. Stephen sir, stay on the taxes, then go to nuclear war dont go back and forth. It sounds like youre scatting tax cuts, rocket fuel, rocket man, manhole, holy cow, cowabunga, bungalow, how low can you go, deedily boopba doop a doop sick puppy bopbopbeepbeepbeepbop. One thing that has people concerned is that yesterday trump retweeted some disturbing racist videos. To give you a sense of just how awful these are, one of them is called muslim migrant beats up dutch boy on crutches, probably my least favorite Hans Christian anderson fairy tale. This videos were put out by the farright hate Group Britain first, so its concerning that trump would retweet the video, especially since theyre not accurate. In the touch boy on crutches, local media and police never identified the attackers as muslim. So basically these videos are someone committing an act of violence against someone else. This remind me, i want to show you this video of a muslim man visually attacking an innocent bystander. Stephen we have got to built that wall. Between us and who is it between . And trump retweeting this hate group hasnt gone over too well in britain. Take it from britain triement teresa may who said its really too coherent for our president to understand. Madam you need to translate that into trump speak on a tweet. Hashtag. Hashtag. , of course, Great Britain is our strongest ally, so naturally, donald trump took the high road and moved on to other matters of state. Im just kidding. He tweeted, dot theresa may, dont focus on me, focus on the destructive radical islamic terrorism that is taking place within the united kingdom. We are doing just fine dont believe him england, we need your help. Take us back well be good cheers and applause well even well drink tea. Well drink tea. applause oh, and there was also one problem with trumps response. He originally tweeted at the wrong teresa may. Hey, its happened before. Remember f. D. R. Accidentally bombed new jersey resident adolph hilter. Now, there is good man. The spelling hilter, hilter, is a good guy. Of course, there is some evidence that about two decades ago, trump was a lot more eloquent. In fact, theres a controversial quote that just came out from an interview in 2000 that trump did with maximum golf magazine, which is also the amount of golf trump plays as president. Apparently, while being maximum interviewed, trump pointed out a young socialite at maralago and told a reporter, there is nothing in the world like firstrate. And there it is. The grabby area. Now, to be fair, maybe trump wasnt referring to the female anatomy. Maybe he was referring to the popular british childrens movie character, first rate pussy. Who you might remember from first rate pussy cat about town, first rate pussy teatime shenanigans and, of course, first rate pussy meets fivestar trouser snake. cheers and applause so why really . applause big fans. They they they all read those books as children. Now, why are we just now hearing about this . Well, because, according to the interviewer, the editor in chief changed the quote to there is nothing in the world like firstrate talent. Wow, i gotta say, an editor who lacks the courage to run that quote is a real. Talent. laughter applause cheers but there were also less sexy scandals this week, like the one at the Consumer Financial protection bureau. The c. F. P. B. Was designed to regulate the reckless behavior that lead to the stock market collapse of 2008. But people on wall street and republicans hate the c. F. P. B. , including director of the office of management and budget and losing his harry potter, mick mulvaney. It is to me, sir, one of the most offensive concepts i think in a representative government, which is an almost completely unaccountable government bureaucracy, government regulatory agency. It turns up being a joke, which is what the c. F. P. B. Really has been in a sick, sad kind of way. And guess who trump appointed to take over the c. F. P. B. Its mick mulvaney. Despite what he said in the past he takes his new job seriously. This agency will stay open. Rumors that i am going to set the place on fire or blow it up or lock the doors are completely false. Stephen no one said anything about fire or explosions. Laugh uh, thank you for hiring me. I take this position seriously. Rumors that im going to embezzle a billion dollars, then create a distraction by setting off the sprinklers while i escape to the airport are completely false. Quick question which way is the airport . cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Carol burnett is here but first, when we come back, i share my darkest confessions. Stick around. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin this is Google Home Mini. It makes shopping super easy. Like when you finally get home from the store but forgot that one thing. sigh just say, hey google, buy dog food. It knows that was a disaster and this ones your fave. And while youre doing that, it can do this. Google home mini okay, ordered coffee. And when you dont want to share everything with your family. sneezing yelling Google Home Mini reordering gummy vitamins. And you even get free delivery from here, here, here, and lots of other places with google express. Its Google Home Mini. Now only 29. lines . An develop fine lines what lines . The chapstick total hydration collection. Our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. 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Thank you for being here, michael and thank you for being at thanksgiving dinner. Nice having me. Stephen it sure was. It sure was. Stephen folks, were about to do confessions, which reminds me you should buy my new book Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. Its an actual book. It has pages and everything. Its everything you love about midnight confessions, combined with everything i love about selling books. Heres an example, sometimes i look at a shampoo bottle and think, shouldnt they have tested this on animals first . Otherwise, arent they testing it on me . laughter lots of wisdom like that. Now we do confessions here because even though i am a roman catholic, i dont make it to church that often because i believe faith say private matter. And what i miss most is confession. So if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause stephen standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ril ill be right back. organ music forgive me, audience, i never took my halloween decorations down, so for christmas, im just adding beards and hats to my skeletons and telling the kids that santa lost weight. laughter this year, this year, audience, im recycling old cards, but im crossing out, sorry for your loss. laughter this year im doing all of my shopping online. Thats why i ask people for their size, and their favorite color of porn. laughter sometimes, sometimes i read the side effects on my medications to the tune of we didnt start the fire. laughter blurred vision, weight gain, diarrhea, stomach pain we didnt start the fire laughter i never wipe down the machines at the gym after im done eating ribs on them. laughter sometimes, sometimes when i play the video game call of duty, i pretend to have bone spurs and go into real estate with my father. laughter applause cheers my doctor said i needed more roughage, so i stopped chewing my oreos before i swallow them. laughter i have seasonal affective disorder, so to fight the depression, i got a special lamp so i can see my special bottle of bourbon. laughter applause cheers when someone says, everything happens for a reason, i push them down the stairs and say, do you know why i did that . laughter applause sometimes ill tell people i got to drop the kids off at the pool. By kids, i mean poop. And by pool i mean pool. laughter forgive me, audience audience we forgive you stephen thanks well be right back with Carol Burnett. applause that moment when who youre going with is more important than where youre going. Wherever life takes us, we go together. Interwoven. Exclusively at kay, jared and zales. All smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. Hello moto. Can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. And they might be bragging about portrait mode. But can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera . Its time to reinvent your smartphone. Its time to move on. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Available at all major carriers. Hi, i need your help. Ive been trying to find a knee specialist. But nobody has an opening for months you cant always control your feelings. Oh, i found one innetwork next tuesday. But unitedhealthcare can help you control your care. Thanks, stephanie. 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My first guest is a legend whose vairt series is celebrating its 50th anniversary. Please welcome the one, the only, Carol Burnett. applause cheers and applause hi, jon stephen its so nice to see you again. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for having me back. Stephen now, kiddo if i can call you that. Oh, sure, yeah, please. Stephen no, kiddo, youre a legend now. Everybody loves you. People leap to their feet when you walk into the theater, but is this true your first job in new york you were a hat check girl . Yes, i was. Stephen where. At a ladies tea room. Stephen okay. Thats how bright i was women dont check their hats. laughter . Stephen no one checks their hat anymore. They dont wear them. Stephen no one wares a hat. Was that the long green there . It was called susan palmers tea room, but they had an oyster bar downstairs that the men would go to. So in order to get a tip, i would grab the men as they were going downstairs and say, check your coat, sir . So theyd give me their coat. And then i would take a scissors now you know the little thing in the back. Stephen the hang tab, yeah. I cut that off. And then i would resew it with a differentcolor thread. So when they would come back up and ask for their coat, i would say, this was broken, but i fixed it for you. laughter and then applause then instead of getting a quarter, theyd give me an extra dime. Id get 35 cents for that. Stephen wow yeah, i was a con artist. laughter . Stephen youre a grifter. That i was. Stephen and a dancer, because what . Stephen have you seen this photo. Oh, my stephen we dug up here. Is you are no stranger to this theater. No. Stephen we talked about this last time you were here, but i hadnt seen any of the photos. You work on the old gary moore show shot at the same time as the ed sullivan show. On this stage. Stephen in the 50s . 59, 60, and 61. Stephen you you are with gary moore around 1560. Nice gams, by the way. And the guest book. Now, at the same time you were, like, making your break on broadway in once upon a mattress. I doubled. Stephen you were doing this. That was your day job. That was my day job and i did once upon a mattress eight times a week on broadway. Stephen how did you do that . That must have absolutely wiped you out. I was young, i was very young, and i was very hungry. So i had both jobs. But i never had a day off. And so, in once upon a mattress its the story of the princess and the pea, so the princess is supposed to, towards the end of the show, get on top of 20 mattresses and not be able to sleep. So thats the whole bit. laughter one matinee, i fell asleep. laughter in front of the audience i put people to sleep, but i fell asleep. Stephen well, thats not easy to do, to fall asleep on stage. Exactly. I was exhausted. So all i remember is the stage manager going, Carol Carol Carol wake up and i jumped up like this. Its a wonder i didnt fall off the mattress. Stephen three or four years on gary moore . Yes. Stephen one of those two. How long after that did you start the Carol Burnett show. I started the burnett show in 67 so that took a while. Stephen how did that come about . Gary moore was also for cbs, right . Yes. Stephen and did they say, you. You get a variety show . I signed a contract with cbs for 10 years, and they said within the first five years eye dont know. I had a really good agent if within the first five years if i wanted to do a variety comedy variety show, all i would have to do is push the button, and cbs would have to put it on 30, onehour shows, whether they wanted to or not. Stephen that is a good agent. That was a good agent. laughter stephen wow and i thought, ill never want to do that. Well, towards the end of the fifth year, the last week of the fifth year, i decided i was going to push that button. laughter and i did. And i called one of the Vice President s back here i was in california it was between christmas and new years. And i got the Vice President of cbs on the phone, and sayid, hi. He said, carol, merry christmas. Hows it going . I said, great. You know, mike, i want to push that button. He said, what button . I said, you know, where five years ago you said they could do he totally forgot. He didnt know, didnt remember. And he said, well, great, ill call you back. So im sure he got a lot of lawyers out of the Christmas Parties that night, you know. Called me back the next day, and he said, yeah, well, i see that, bu