Justice, or is it something new, like obstructducken. Anyway, whatever it is, its pretty bad. Its not that bad. Now, trumps attorney and Melissa Mccarthy disguised as wilford brimley, ty cobb declined to comment. Thats not good. Maybe trump should ask his lawyer if he can fear his lawyer. But donald trump did comment. Did you seek to fire mueller. Fake news, folks, fake news. Stephen man that is his answer to everything lets test that proposition. Mr. President , how do you respond to the allegation that you are mentally competent . Fake news, folks, fake news. Stephen all right, sir, ive heard that you weigh 239 pounds. Fake news, folks, fake news. Stephen how would you characterize your claim that the report of you trying to fire mueller is fake news . Fake news, folks, fake news. Stephen anyway, thats the thing we didnt get to talk about last night and now we have. So enjoy tonights show. Its a great one. Weve got a surprise guest im not gonna tell you who it is. Its miley cyrus. Ill see you monday. Okay, ill take that now. Ahhh its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight john kelly left home alone. Plus, stephen welcomes Kyle Maclachlan deon cole and a special appearance by miley cyrus. Plus musical guest Julia Michaels. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen nicely done. Hey, everybody please, sit down youre very kind very kind very bright. Thank you. Thank you. What a lovely unmistakable friday audience you are. Thank you so much for being here. Welcome, welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is friday, friday. The president has had an exciting week. He just is he back. Hes just come back from the World Economic forum in davos and a lot of people are talking about the fact that because of some tension at home, trump left for davos without his better half john kelly. laughter instead, he left kelly in washington to negotiate on immigration. And thats not easy, because immigration has been a hot button issue in america since about. 1492. laughter now, trump has ordered Law Enforcement to keep dangerous immigrants off the streets, and earlier this week, they caught one, because Border Patrol agents arrested an arizona man who worked with a group that offers food and water to immigrants. This bring to mind the famous mr. Rogers quote wont you be my neighbor now, technically this volunteer didnt assist anyone to cross the border, but he was charged with federal charges of alien smuggling. And i believe we have footage of him committing that crime. They are going to need a really high wall. Heres a quick question who here watches tv . cheers and applause good, good. Or else i wouldnt even know how you knew who i was. So this week there was an absolutely gutwrenching episode of this is us weve been waiting for two seasons to find out how the father, jack, dies. Well, last episode we found out that he turns off the familys old, janky crockpot, goes to bed, it shorts out, bursts into flames, and the house is incinerated. It was tvs most harrowing kitchenappliancebased character death since frasier swallowed that can opener. laughter naturally, this is us fans were traumatized, and they turned their fury against their crockpots, tweeting things like, my mom just threw our crockpot out, and, i just threw my crockpot out the window. Thisisus. Okay, a note here. Your crockpot wont really catch fire, but throwing it out the window can give someone a pretty serious head injury. Of course, the good people at crockpot rushed into crisis mode, which is right next to simmer. laughter oh, mmm. You ever had any crisis beef . Its so good. They issued a statement this is true, saying crockpot understands the concerns brought up by last nights episode of this is us, and we, too, are heartbroken by the latest development in jacks storyline. Our hope is that the team at nbcs this is us will help us in spreading factual information regarding our products safety. laughter applause yeah, its important. Thats the job. Jon you gotta tell the truth. Stephen thats nbcs job. I gotta tell you, thats going to make for a really compelling episode oh, my god, i loved when randall and beth started talking about rotary knob testing and lowwattage selfregulating heating elements. Of course, america turns to the late show for one thing, and one thing only monkey news. And theres no bigger monkey story than what im about to tell them. Because chinese scientists have successfully cloned monkeys. Thats right. At long last, scientists have cloned monkeys, which solves the problem of. Not enough similarlooking monkeys . laughter the monkeys were made from fetal cells grown in a petri dish, and are healthy, longtailed macaques named zhong zhong and hua hua, which is chinese for organ farm one and organ farm two. laughter jon oh, snap oh, my. Stephen according to experts, this is the first time a primate has ever been cloned. We are closer to humans than weve ever been before. Wait, is this just a way for scientists to meet other humans . Guys they have match. Com, now you dont have to become monsters. And personally i love theres no way this could go wrong. Its like the plot of the classic movie planet of the completely uneventful primate cloning experiment. And i believe weve acquired a clip of the dramatic climax. You maniacs, you did a good job with the monkey cloning, and i dont foresee any issues stephen that really gets you. Such a surprise ending. Well, i hope the superintelligent monkeys dont take over in the next couple of days, because this sunday on cbs is musics biggest night the grammys cheers and applause grammys jon grammys. Stephen i dont know why i said it that way. I just want to sing. Ill be watching because, contractually, my television is not allowed to be turned to any cbs. Its going to be hosted by our friend james corden, who will welcome such performers as u2, rihanna, bruno mars, lady gaga, and pink. I cant wait to see james try to fit all those people in his car. A lot of the musical acts are people who have been my guest right here on the late show kendrick lamar, lady antebellum, sting, coldplay, and they havent announced this yet, but one of my alltime favorite guests will be debuting his new banjo act, neil debluegrasse tyson. Yet, neil debluegrasse. Hell explain to you why, scientifically, you do enjoy his music. Jon, youre performing, too . Jon yes, indeed, fats domino. The late fats dom me. Lifetime achievement award. Stephen i have to check that out. I heard great things about you jon. But the performance im most excited for is a duet between elton john and miley cyrus. This is amazing, because im a huge elton fan. Ive got all of his albums. This is true. I was in an elton john cover band called nebula 5 when i was in third grade. And i would say im definitely the biggest elton john fan in the world, bar none. Oh, no youre not, stephen cheers and applause Stephen Miley cyrus hi, everybody Stephen Miley, thank you so much. Good to see you. Wow. Hi, everybody. Stephen you look fantastic. Thank you, so much. Thank you Stephen Miley, i gotta ask thank you so much. You can see people are excited to see you here. Miley what on earth are you doing here. I have to tell you, im eltons number one fan. Oh, really . Yeah. Stephen i think i am. I grew up listening to elton john, and im easily, like, five years older than you are. Laugh please. I know everything about elton. Stephen okay, prove it. What was the first album ever to go platinum in preorders before it was even released . Goodbye yellow brick road, 1973. Whats the bestselling chart single of all time . Stephen candle in the wind. Which one, norma jean or Englands Rose . Stephen please. Englands rose, 1997, 33 million copies. Okay, who did elton john play in the 2017 movie kingsman Golden Circle . He played elton john. What about in the 1997 movie spice world . Stephen he played elton john. But a younger elton john. Thats how great his range is. Come on, stephen, look what im wearing. Check out my shoes. Look at my jacket, and my glasses. cheers and applause what does this say to you . What does this say to you . Stephen it says youre trying too hard. laughter answer me this who did he perform with at the 2001 grammys . Eminem. But who is he performing with at the 2018 grammys . Stephen miley cyrus. Damn it cheers and applause damn it look, stephen, we dont need to argue. We clearly are both huge fans of elton. Stephen youre right, youre right, miley. Its friday night, and friday nights not right for fighting. But you know what is an all right night for fighting . Stephen i like what youre thinking. Jon . band playing saturday nights alright for fighting just got a letter from his lawyer here elton sent a cease and desist it seems we never got the rights to the song and if we play it he will be pissed if you want to hear some elton john, theres only one show to she sunday nights all right for the agreements sunday night with elton and me, and me woooooooo Stephen Miley cyrus, everybody stick around, well be right back sunday sunday sunday sunday sunday sunday sunday sunday sunday thanks for loading, sweetie. Oh, burnton gravy . Gotta rinse that. Nope. No way. Nada. Really . Dish issues . Throw it all in. Cascade platinum powers through even burnton gravy. Nice. Cascade. Oh, bababy hey babababy oh, babybaby look, look so good oh hey oh, bababy hey babababy oh, babybaby look, look so good oh, bababy look so good are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Oh, bababy try zyrtec®. Its starts working hard at hour one. And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. Your friend just marea. You like her. Shes really good at social media. She buys stocks in companies that stand for something. You like her. Shes always up on the latest trends. She got in early on the whole goat yoga thing. And her sunsets are always nofilter. You like her. But youd like her better if you made more money than she does. Dont get mad at just marea. Get eatrade. [click] [silence] [click] why is the screen empty . thank you espresso blonde starbucks band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human right there. Matty rice on guitar cheers and applause jon so hot, so hot. Yeah. Stephen hey, listen, folks. Jon its hot, its hot. Stephen fantastic. So great to see miley cyrus here. Great voice. Im very excited about our shows next week, jon. Tuesday nights show, i dont think i need to remind you. Its live after the state of the union. Donald trump is giving his first state of the union and i understand understand im not sure this is true but i think miley cyrus is opening for him. It will be amazing. Everybody loves miley. Anyone who watches this show knows i love Artificial Intelligence. laughter i cowl use this. It is its my favorite way of autocorrecting misspelled words into correctly spelled words that werent the words i wanted laughter is there anything Artificial Intelligence can do . Well, the best way to answer that is to put it into everything in your house and see what happens. This is cyborgasm, home edition. First up tonight, a. I. Is coming to your kitchen thanks to cloi, spelled with an i, for innoying. laughter cloi is designed to help you run your smart appliances, and a recent demonstration was a real showstopper. So, let me demonstrate. Cloi, whats for dinner tonight . silence okay, cloi is not going to talk to me. Cloi doesnt like me, evidently. So in this case, were going to go to find out that weve got chicken in the refrigerator, and its expiring in three days. It looks like we should use the chicken. Cloi, are you talking to me yet . What recipes could i make with chicken . silence laughter okay, were going to search recipes. Stephen that sounds like a couple on the verge of divorce laughter honey, what do you want for dinner tonight . She doesnt like me, evidently. Are you talking to me yet . Okay, were gonna search the liquor cabinet. laughter but if you think talking to your fridge is stupid, wait until you talk to your toilet, thanks to kohler numi, a highend toilet that connects to the internet and responds to voice commands through amazon alexa. At last the one thing my trips to the bathroom were missing was a cloudconnected computer recording the experience and uploading my download. laughter applause jon ooooh stephen thank you very much. Okay we found we found the pocket. Lets see the kohler in action. Alan . Alexa, ask kohler to flush the toilet. toilet flushing okay. Stephen neat and if the kohler could talk back, i think it might say alexa, please ask alan to stop pooping in me. laughter so how much for this miracle toilet . The numi runs 5,625 dollars, and up. Stephen or you can just flush five grand down your current toilet. laughter warning youll have to do it manually. But it doesnt just help in the kitchen and the bathroom. A. I. Can also help to ignore loved ones. There are lots of cute robots, but elliq here has a very specific audience in mind seniors. Stephen perfect, because seniors love technology. The new elliq will help the elderly text, facetime, and do other online activities, as shown in their promotional video. Elliq reminds me to take my meds, arranges rides for me. She even reminds me of all my appointments mary, dont forget bridge with the golden girls at 1 00 p. M. Would you like to practice . Oh, i dont need practice. I didnt catch that. Do you want to play bridge or not . Oh, fine. Stephen i said its time for bridge practice. Dont upset me, mary. It would be a shame if someone mixed up your meds. laughter elliq even keeps you in touch with loved ones through social media. Mary, megan sent a new photo. Would you like to look at it . Yes, please. Oh, hes a gem would you like to respond to megans post . Sure recording in three, two, one. Stephen hi, megan. Its your mom. The photos a gem also, can you please come here . This thing keeps forcing me to play bridge and im scared. And these folks know their audience because they call elliq the gizmo that gets you. Again, perfect marketing to seniors. Nana, we bought you a robot. Its going to get you. laughter well be right back with Kyle Maclachlan. With 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. in the lincoln continental. Ohhhhhh, ou guess what i just got . Uh i used to be spellbound hello again. I used to be spellbound hi. I used to be spellbound thats a big phone. In your arms. [screams] ah, my phone. You built the flame that warms my heart, but lying and cheating has torn us apart and im moving on. [ laughs ] rodney. Bowling. Classic. Can i help you . Its me. Jamie. Im not good with names. Celeste i trained you. We share a locker. Moose man yo. He gets two name your price tools. He gets two . I literally coined the phrase, we give you Coverage Options based on your budget. Thats me. Jamie yeah. Youre back from italy. [ both smooch ] ciao bella. [ both smooch ] fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Stephen ladies and folks, my first guest stars as special agent dale cooper in twin peaks and as the mayor in portlandia. Please welcome, Kyle Maclachlan applause what a nice thing. Stephen theyre lovely. Theyre lovely people. A lovely group tonight. Thank you so much. cheers and applause upon. Stephen theyre excited to see Kyle Maclachlan. Now, listen, im excited to see Kyle Maclachlan, too. We met years ago. We did. Stephen about eight years ago at the Kennedy Center. Thats where it was. Stephen that was the only time we met. I didnt have a chance to tell you that night but i wanted to meet you in person because when i was younger, when i was first out of college and blew velvet came out, my friends were like, oh, my god. Thats you. You look just like that guy in blue velvet. Yes. Stephen i wanted to meet you and do a sidebyside. Can we get a closeup . Can we get closer than that . cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen i cant see a thing out of these. Thats pretty good. So i buy it. I totally buy it. I could be like a freaky character who comes on in twin peaks. Wait, is that the guy or is that a different guy . That would be perfect. You could be my eighth character i play on twin peaks. Stephen but ill tell you the part the part that i was most jealous of is im a big fan of dune. I heard that. Stephen yes. What a great, great book. Stephen amazing. When had you read the books before you got the part . Yes, jim lumbard gave me the book when i was 15 years old, my friend jimlumbard and i hope hes watching and he said, you have to read this book. It took me three tries to get past page 60. I dont know about you, but so many things coming at you. Stephen there are a the love names coming at you. But it was my Favorite Book for years. I wrote dune quotes on my pleasure teachers mrs. Krago on her blackboard, i would write quotes. This is from eighth grade. Stephen fear is the mind firskiller. I will let fear pass through me. Only i will remain. Stephen exactly. Eighth grade, of course, its all about fear. Stephen because you thought some day i will play paul. Did you think that . No. Stephen i thought. I read dune my freshman year of equip dune. I said i must play paul. You would have been perfect. Stephen and then i saw that you got the part, and i was really angry at Kyle Maclachlan. I didnt work at that point, but anyway when you met me at the Kennedy Center you said, well, hes actually okay. Stephen yeah, i did. I had a lot to drink. Now, most people know you from your collaborations with david lynch. Yes. Stephen obviously, dune was dune first . Dune was number one. Stephen then blue velvet. And, of course, twin peaks. The first time and now the second time. First time, 20something years later. Stephen whats it like to be directed by him . Because yeah. Stephen the projects are brilliant, but a bit odd. Im wondering how he explains what he wants from an actor. We have a shorthand, after all the years working together, and david has a very particu