Breeched the studio. Meteorologist susan. Whats the forecast look like . Were going to be cannibalized. A man is eating horse poop the end is near, from all of us at wnqx news, tonight. Stay tuned for young sheldon. Eagles announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, clair claire danes, Bernadette Peters, lil uzi vurt and jon batiste with stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, thanks thank you so much, everybody ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause remember when donald trump told us we would be tired of winning . Well, evidently the stock market is exhausted laughter because after losing 666 points on friday, monday said, hold my beer, and posted the greatest single sameday drop in the stock market history 1,600 points. In the end, the dow closed almost 1,200 points down, erasing its gains for the year. The stock market is just like the rest of us it spent january working on improving itself then in february said bleep it. laughter cheers and applause piano riff yeah. What am i egoing to do . applause speculation is that its because of fears that the fed will be raising interest rates. Speaking of which, its the first full day for new fed chair, jerome powell. Welcome to the sarlacc pit, sir. laughter so anyway, thats one explanation. Did anything else happen this afternoon that could have shattered confidence . Oh, i love the state of ohio. Oh, right. Oh, right. This afternoon trump was in cincinnati, where he spoke to factory workers about how great the economys doing. And, when he started, that was still true. I want to thank you all, and i want to thank jeff noris and everyone here at scheffer corporation. You have half the room going totally crazy wild. They loved everything. A lot of fake news out there. Thats okay. Hmmm . Hello darkness my old friend ive come to talk with you again cheers and applause stephen now, this is tough. It was an especially awkward moment because trump was in town to tout the benefits of the tax plan you know, you can work hard, but if you dont have the right leader setting the right tone, in all fairness im not even saying i am nonbraggadocious. Stephen i do the most least amount of bragging anyones ever seen. cheers and applause i have record breaking humility im booeda. Im nothingness. Trump emphasized the importance of voting in 2018 and not getting distracted. So the people are happy. And they dont get out and they dont vote like they should. Maybe they go to a movie in 18. None of you are going to a movie, i hope, right . applause start thinking about 18. Start thinking about november. Start finding out exactly that little slot, youre not going to a restaurant, although you could, you could go and vote, and go to a restaurant. Stephen you cant go to a movie. But you can go to a restaurant laughter and no cheating by going to one of those movie theaters where they serve food. Okay . Youll get so distracted you wont vote and youll miss the end to shape of water. laughter this is just me, but i hear she does it with a trout. I dont know if thats true. Like a Rainbow Trout or Something Like that. Have you seen it . Jon yeah, i saw it. Stephen dont know hoe the movi how the movie ends. laughter it turns out, at the state of the union, trump was upset that the democrats werent clapping for him as much as the republicans. Honestly, it was bad energy. No, it was bad energy. Youre up there, youve got half the room going totally crazy wild. And you have the other side, even on positive news, really positive news like that, they were like death. And unamerican. Unamerican. Somebody said treasonous. I mean, yeah, i guess, why not . Can we call that treason . Why not . Stephen yeah, notclapping for you isnt treason. But dont worry, mr. President , you could find out the exact definition of treason pretty soon. laughter piano riff cheers and applause but trumps main point was everything is going great when i signed the tax cut six weeks ago, it set off a tidal wave of good news that continues to grow every single day. Stephen a tidal wave of good news, followed by a earthquake of positive stories, and soon whole neighborhoods will fall into a gaping sinkhole of happiness. laughter hey, you know who else was just talking about the tax cut . House speaker and coworker whos office hot, paul ryan. Ryan was instrumental in getting the republican tax cut passed last year, and on saturday he was in a bragging mood tweeting, a secretary at a Public High School in lancaster, pennsylvania, said she was pleasantly surprised her pay went up 1. 50 a week. She said that will more than cover her costco membership for the year. Cool now shes just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass laughter cheers and applause piano riff he got a lot of razzing for this tweet, so he pulled it. But he didnt pull this one these taxreform crumbs are really starting to add up. After the tax overhaul, hostess employees will literally get a sweet treat. Because once a week, employees will be able to take home a multipack of the product of the week. Thats good news, summed up by middle class hero marie antoinette, who famously declared, let them eat ding dong. laughter applause yeah. Mmm, mmm and its interesting that paul ryan would boast about someone making an extra buckfifty a week, seeing as how others are bringing home significantly more bacon. For example, just 13 days after the tax law was passed, the koch family donated nearly 500,000 to ryans fundraising committee. Oh, i would like to kick him in the ding dongs laughter hey, speaking of snack cakes, did you guys catch the super bowl last night . cheers and applause piano riff wow. Then youre better at catching things than tom brady. cheers and applause its true. It was a huge showdown between the defending champion new England Patriots and the underdog philadelphia eagles. Of course, i dont have to tell you who won. Just take a look at the streets of philadelphia last night. shouting stephen its hard to tell from that, but that was a screaming inferno of joy. laughter there was so much fire and crying, for a second i thought i was watching this is us. Jon oh oh stephen because theyre not real people all of those actors are alive laughter its not even a cbs show. Jon whoa stephen because the people of philadelphia werent satisfied with just taking down the new England Patriots, they also took down their long time nemesis philadelphia. laughter eagles fans have a history of extreme celebration. During their first playoff win this year, one fan was arrested after punching a police horse. laughter but the horse was fine. He was listed in stable condition. laughter applause piano riff so the cops were prepared for philadelphageddon. A few weeks ago, to keep fans from climbing street lights, they greased them with crisco. And when that didnt work, they stepped it up to waterproof hydraulic fluid. So, lets see how things worked out for these nowinvulnerable poles. In your face, tom brady lets go drop these on a horse laughter cheers and applause piano riff and it kept going all night. Fans surfed police vans, did trust falls off the awning of the ritz carlton until it collapsed, and scaled the gates of city hall and then attempted to climb into the eagles stadium. Just so fun. laughter i didnt realize this was going to happen, the super bowl had ads again this year. Verizon ran one showing how First Responders use their network to communicate, ending with the slogan they answer the call, our job is to make sure they get it. But if youre not a first responder, they had a slogan for you too heres a picture of my penis. Want to come over . laughter okay. Same reaction as this is the us thing. Okay. There was also an ad for scientology, which encouraged people to google scientology. Ah, scientology, have you googled scientology . laughter i wouldnt encourage that. Its like o. J. Simpson saying no, really. Im a famous football player. Google o. J. Simpson laughter applause piano riff at one point, viewers were confused when, during the super bowl ads, the feed went dark for almost 30 seconds. Which im assuming was an ad for the hungering darkness that will one day consume us all, regardless of who wins the super bowl. laughter jim, can we see some footage of that black screen . Yeah, thats it. Thats it. Thats it. Yeah. Mmhmm. That was perfect. We dont have the consent of Major League Football to show that. Show it again. Show it one more time. Yeah, up yours, man cheers and applause but the most controversial ad of the night was a dodge ram commercial that used a sermon of Martin Luther king. If you want to be important, wonderful. If you want to be recognized, wonderful if you want to be great, wonderful but recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. Thats the new definition of greatness. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love. Stephen now that sounds inappropriate until you remember that dr. King was awarded j. D. Power and Associates Best Midsize humanitarian. laughter and initial customer satisfaction, i believe, is what he got. laughter and this ad is part of a whole new campaign for dodge. Dr. King said hed been to the mountain top and what better way to get there than dodge rams powerful four while drive and multilink suspension. For it was the dalai lama that said the purpose of our lives stop happy, like the happiness that comes from the 6. 4 litter hemiengine. Joan of arc, we dont know if she loved dodge rams infotainment display but who is to say she didnt. Sthe cabin is big enough to make out in. Heres a soldier with his child in the dog if that didnt work. Stephen we have a great show for you tonight. Claire danes is here. But when we return, i share some of my private confessions. Stick around. This is google home max. Its a speaker thats smart. Itll tune to your room and fill it with music. So if you want to feel all the layers of that acoustic version you love. song by sylvan esso . Or if you just want to bump the bass. Hey google, play that song thats like. You might not ever come down. song by Anderson Paak use it with spotify or youtube music. And then ask it hey google, turn it all the way up. Introducing google home max. Part of the google home family. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. No, please, please, oh shrieks in terror heavy breathing and snorting no, no. The running of the bulldogs . Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money aleia saved by switching to geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Introducing the pork from jack in the box. Two strips of pork belly, green leaf lettuce, juicy tomatoes and tangy honey aioli even youll love it, martha security get him wow, do you guys workout . Try my new pork belly blt, part of my food truck series. Introducing the prime rib from jack in the box. With strips of prime rib grilled with peppers and onions and smothered in provolone cheese and im challenging you to try it, martha its on, jack. Why are we whispering . Try my new prime rib cheesesteak, part of my food truck series. cheers and applause band playing stephen all right hey, everybody welcome back give it up for the band right there, jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, i dont think its any secret, i certainly havent tried to keep it secret, that im a roman catholic. But i dont get to church as often as id like. Which is too bad, i really miss the doughnuts. laughter i also miss confession. So, if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay. Be right back. laughter organ music playing forgive me, audience. Last week i told one of our interns show business is a cruel jungle where the strong eat the weak, and he was only asking where the bathroom was. laughter audience audience i have texted while driving, but i didnt realize it because i was so drunk. laughter i tell people im on a lowcarb diet but only because i eat pasta on the floor. laughter cheers and applause sometimes i casually sprinkle my conversation with foreign phrases to make myself look sophisticated. Im not sure it always trabajos. laughter cheers and applause i can never finish a book, so ill read just the end of another book and combine them. laughter i really enjoyed harry potter and the dragon tattoo. laughter i dont like to golf, but its the only way i can go stand in a field and drink for five hours without anyone bugging me. laughter i ran out of postit notes and now i dont know how to remind myself to buy more. laughter applause i get angry that my time is being wasted waiting five seconds to skip a youtube ad, even though im waiting to watch a raccoon hump a coconut. laughter forgive me, audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with claire danes. cheers and applause band playing engine roaring i i will be king and you. Drink, sir . You will be. No, thanks. engine revving im still driving. Will drive them away we can be heroes. I just cant believe that i get to live with you. Mrs. Grey. Thats me. You own this . We own this. You insist on defying me. Learn to live with it. Rated r. Listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. Its an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. Listerine® total care. One bottle, six benefits. Power to your mouth™. As a meteor headsnderway toward the metro area. Go, go, go, go, go we can fit more theres still more room we gotta go. Juicer we dont have a juicer the volkswagen tiguan. It fits everything you need, and everything you dont. Dont we need that cable box to watch tv . Nope. Dont we need to run . Nope. It just explodes in a high pitched yeahhh. yeahhh try directv now for 10 a month for 3 months. No satellite needed. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show already in progress. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an Emmy Award Winner who returns this week as Carrie Mathison on homeland. Found the stash. What the bleep . What did you bring . Nothing. You said no phone, no wallet, nothing but the burner you gave me. Badge . Everything is at the office. I walked. What about the burner. Did you leave it on the desk at work, take off your jacket to go bleep . bleep . You have a tale. bleep . We have to go. We have to go now. Stephen please welcome claire danes. cheers and applause band playing stephen hello hi stephen thats a lovely dress. Well, thank you very much . Stephen but we could also do this and show some skin. All right. Stephen thats a lovely dress. Feels a little ann bolin and goes with the catholic theme. Stephen goes well with the stained glass. Ann bolin not a great model. She had her head off. I guess she was attractive. Stephen enough to break off from the catholic church. Yk okay. Lets deviate from that. Stephen do you watch the super bowl . I did. And i actually, like, watched this year. I didnt just, like, inhale nachos. I mean, i did that, too. Stephen did you party . We did have a little gathering, yeah. Stephen yeah . My husband cooked a feast and we had, like, six people came over. It was fun. Stephen i question the feast part of that. I question the feast part of that. Your lovely husband whom weve had on the show. Very nice fella. Yeah. Stephen i dont know why you did this to him. You instagramed out your menu for your feast. I would like to show, i dont know how close you can get in because its very difficult to read. This is his super bowl prep list. This is it. It says it says 6 15 hold on chili off oven, stir, uncover. I dont know how you stir then uncover. Okay. Stir cilantro into chili. Then it says, food ready. So thats the feast . laughter it was. It was delicious stephen i bet it was. But what does this mean . This is what it says. This is the only other thing on the list balls. laughter yeah, i found it on the dining room table. I was, like, what is this . He said, yeah, no, i realized i made a mistake and then wrote balls to remind himself. Stephen in other words, dont do this. Yeah, yeah. I dont know, its cryptic, still. Stephen did he serve anything other than chili . Yes, we had short ribs and nachos and a chicken chili thing and a vegetarian no, we had mac and cheese and chili. It was great. Stephen hes from england, right . Yeah, but hes been here for a while. Stephen but he understands super bowl food. Its not figgy budding or shepherds pie. No. Stephen good. Who were you pulling for . Eagles. cheers and applause i dont know, i was going for historymaking. Stephen sure, why not . And underdoing. Yeah. Yeah. Right . Stephen yeah. My friend rachel is from philly, too. I was with her so that was exciting, too. Stephen yeah. Hiked hitch my ride on to her train. Stephen lets talk about the train i want to hitch my ride to. I spoke to you about this before. Im a mad fan for the homeland. Well, thanks. Stephen so worried about carrie all the time. As you should be. Stephen as you play her, are you worried for her . Well, shes survived for seven years, so thats a pretty good record in homeland terms. Stephen every man around her is dead, though. Yeah, cant say as much for the male figures. Stephen do not date carrie, not a good idea. No. I hope its worth it, but i cant imagine it is. laughter stephen the shows been incredibly impressive in years before. Are there things were going to learn ann about our country six months from now that you will be broadcasting you cant tell me . Were in the middle of filming. Stephen this season. Yeah, well be back tomorrow to continue episode 9. Stephen torn from todays headlines. Yeah, so were still at it. We focus on kind of russian interference. Stephen what . ahhh stephen we know thats just a hoax. We know the russian interference is just a hoax. Its a witch hunt it is, it is. I think we can accept they have been involved in determining our fate to a certain extent. But they stephen does it turn out better in your world than it did in ours . Your president s iffy, too. Our show was a horrifying vision of what could be and now its, like, a tonic. Its like a little escapism. Whoo laughter its hard to compete with the reality. Stephen i know the feeling. Yeah, yeah. Stephen so one of the things that you do, do you do this every season where you go spend time with some actual spice . We do. Its the coolest part of my job. Stephen who sets