Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2018

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert February 7, 2018

Joe. Then they brought you g. I. Joe with kung fu grip. Now get ready for hasbros newest g. I. Joe character, cadet bonespurs. Awesome. He loved to charge bravely into battle. Its just that he has this thing with his heel which causes occasional minor foot pain. We must crush the enemy. Right, lets go get the bad guys. You go ahead. I have to ice my shins. Cadet bonespurs it will be the greatest fun you ever had playing soldier, or in his case avoiding playing soldier to date models. The rebel forces are attacking. Help us, cadet bonespurs. I would, but my socks are tight, you know, with the swelling and all. So pick up your g. I. Joe cadet bonespurs today, now with tiny kung fu grip. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trump dodges mueller. Plus, stephen welcomes wanda sykes Thomas Haden Church and june diane raphael. Plus the soul rebels, sitting in with jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey stephen thank you, everybody. Thank you very much, youre too kind. Youre too nice too nice. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Big news cheers and applause big, big news out of the russia investigation. According to sources at the white house, Donald Trumps lawyers are telling him to refuse an interview with Robert Mueller because the president , who has a history of making false statements and contradicting himself, could be charged with lying to investigators. laughter yeah. It is a crack legal analysis from the law firm of no, bleep , and sherlock. cheers and applause fine. Theyre a fine firm. Fine brown shoe firm. Now, there is one trump lawyer saying the president should cooperate with mueller, and thats trump attorney and man bitten by a radioactive wilford brimley, ty cobb. Cobb has argued that the white house should do Everything Possible to cooperate with mr. Muellers investigation, and says the white house is in total cooperation mode. Yes total cooperation. Trumps cooperating because he wants muellers investigation to be over swiftly. Oh, and theres one other thing he wants from mueller i want him dead i want his family dead i want his house burned to the ground i wanna go there in the middle of the night stephen now, i know trump watches this show, because its on tv. laughter so right now, ive got a special message for him. Mr. President , ignore your lawyers. You follow your instincts and you sit down with Robert Mueller. Otherwise, everyones going to think youre scared, but we know youre not. Oh, oh, your Fried Chicken has arrived. Oh, wait, its empty. Where is that . Oh, i think i know where the chicken is. Bawk, bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk, bawk. cheers and applause hell do it. Hell do it. Of course, Robert Mueller is not trumps only problem. A lot of people have called donald trump a racist, but only because of what he says and does. laughter the charge has upset president ial son and man who k. Y. s his scalp, donald trump jr. laughter so this weekend, don jr. Took on these charges of racism. Its been terrible to watch because ive see i know him. Ive seen him my whole life. Ive seen the things hes done. You know, its amazing. All the rappers, all the this. laughter stephen all the this . Thats as much as you know about black people . In black history month, we celebrate all the achievements of African Americans from all the rappers to all the this. He went on all his African American friends, from Jesse Jackson to al sharpton you know, i have pictures with them their whole life. We say hi, always been friends. Stephen classic defense, how could i be racist . I have pictures with black people. And its true. Donald trump has a lot of pictures with close personal friends like rappers, Jesse Jackson, al sharpton, and his buddy o. J. Simpson. And don jr. Knows why people are suddenly calling his dad a racist. It was only till he got into politics that all of a sudden, oh, hes the most terrible human being in the world. I dont know. He wasnt so terrible a couple of years ago when you were at his events. He wasnt so terrible then when you were hitting him up for Charity Dollars and hes sponsoring things and sponsoring scholarships and doing x, y, z for you guys. Stephen yes, how dare you call trump racist after he gave you guys things and x,y,z . laughter its all part of his charity Donald Trumps things and x,y,z for the rappers and the this. cheers and applause you know their slogan, we have pictures with black people. Jon, that is absolutely outrageous. What an outrageous claim. Good to see you, man. Jon good to see you. cheers and applause stephen now, were still dealing with the fallout of the infamous republican memo written by House Intelligence Committee chair and man wondering, what the hell is that smell on my knuckles . Devin nunes. Republicans hyped this dud for weeks, and the central argument of the memo is that the f. B. I. Was biased when they got a warrant to wiretap former trump adviser carter page, seen here on the way to his own baby pictures. Adorable. So adorable. Nunes says they relied exclusively on the steele dossier and never disclosed to the judge that the dossier was paid for by trumps political opponents. Now, if true, thats a pretty damning charge. Spoiler alert not true. Turns out, the partisan nature of the dossier was mentioned in a footnote. Now, nunes should learn how footnotes work. Hes about to become one in history. Jon ooooh applause stephen friends of his. Some friends of nunes here tonight. But who reads footnotes. Except the secret judges in the fisa court, you numbnuts. Nunes tried to downplay the footnote on fox friends. So a footnote saying that something might be political is a far cry from letting the American People know that the democrats in the Hillary Campaign paid for dirt that the f. B. I. Then used to get a warrant on an american citizen to spy on another campaign. Stephen yes, the proper way to get dirt on another campaign is from the russians. I mean, just because a footnote completely destroys your entire argument, that doesnt mean you shouldnt keep making the argument. I totally agree with you. Footnote cheers and applause he doesnt read footnotes, right . He doesnt read jon he dont read. Stephen he doesnt read footnotes. Okay. And theres another flaw in this memo. Because while it claims the investigation into carter page was politically motivated, it also mentions a totally unrelated investigation into the russian ties of former trump aide and guy asking the stripper her real name, george papadopoulous. And regarding papadopolous, nunes had a strange claim. As far as we can tell, papadopoulos never knew who trump was, never met with the president. Stephen yes papadopoulos never met with trump. Unless, of course, you count this picture of him meeting with donald trump. But that photo that photo look, lets be honest. It looks bad. But that photo doesnt prove trump knows him. Its not like its a picture of trump and a black guy. Jon oh stephen it doesnt. Now, the memo war continues, because yesterday, the House Intelligence Committee voted to release the democratic rebuttal to the g. O. P. Russia memo. So our nations leaders have been reduced to passive aggressive memo writing. Its the congressional version of the office thermostat. laughter now, we dont know sharon get a sweater now, we dont know exactly whats in the democratic memo, but we do know that its 10 pages, and it has now been sent to trump, who has five days to decide whether to declassify it, which is perfect for trumps reading level two pages per day. cheers and applause but why why . Reading is fundamental. Reading is fundamental. But why give him so long . Trump doesnt take five days to decide on anything. I think he decided to run for president on his escalator ride to the lobby. I dont know, shall i . Should i . I dont know. We dont know yet what trump is going to do, but people are speculating that he will release the memo, but with a lot of redactions. In fact, we are acquired an exclusive sneak peak of the memo with trumps redactions. It says, no collussion. Trump is good. And then just kep enough letters to spell the word boobs. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Wanda sykes is here. But when we come back, they shot a convertible into space stick around if its all right, oh yeah i wanna kick it with you all night, all right all night, all night, all night, baby i see your one, two and three dollar deals. Tell you what, ill raise you five. Introducing value jacks way. Five great ways to save. Like i tell jack jr. , its all about big values, jr. Prices. Thats value jacks way. Like jacks oneofakind breakfast pockets for 2 each. Three of jacks famous tacos and a small drink for 3 or a classic bonus jack combo for 5 its like i tell jack jr. , its all about big values, jr. Prices. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody right there now, jon, jon, you guys over there, are you sounding particularly full and lush tonight. To what do we owe the honor . Who do we have with the band tonight. We have from louisiana, the soul rebels, you all. cheers and applause stephen now, thats going to help you kick off the mardi gras celebrations a little bit early. Jon yeah gr i just found this out and this is wonderful youre going to be the grand marshal at mardi gras this weekend in new orleans. Jon yes. Stephen noose ethats amazing. cheers and applause . Jon im going to be out there. Stephen what crew are you with . Well be out there on saturday. If youre around, come down. Stephen i wish i could. Can i shake your hand . Can i shake your hand . Give it up one more time for jon batiste. There we go. cheers and applause stephen it proves were friends. Jon thats right, thats right, the proof right there, the picture. Stephen listen, you can catch the soul rebels on tour now, and go see jon in the parade on saturday. Its going to be fantastic. cheers and applause ill tell you Something Else that has got me very excited. You all know spacex, the rocket design and Manufacturing Company started by tesla founder elon musk . Today, they did a test launch of their biggest rocket yet, the falcon heavy. Check it out. Three, two, one. cheers stephen wooooo gbaby, go cheers and applause and that was just the beginning. The Falcon Heavys boosters disengaged and had to land safely on landing pads with pinpoint accuracy. Check that out and the falcons have landed stephen the falcons have landed cheers and applause the falcons the falcons have land screw the eagles the falcons win the superbowl give them the trophy but heres the kicker this is the really exciting part. The launch was to demonstrate that the falcon was not only reusable, but can carry a large payload. So to test it, elon musk sent up his own tesla convertible with a dummy astronaut at the wheel while blasting david bowies life on mars. Thats right this is true a giant phallus cranking rock n roll, releasing a red convertible into the dark void. And the award for most midlife crisis goes to elon musk. cheers and applause so what we saw just there, what we saw just there of the car was an animation. Heres a live stream right now from car as it heads througher space. And on the touchscreen it says, dont panic. Which, as we all know, is a reference to hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. We get it, musk youre king nerd. I relinquish my crown. cheers and applause here come claim it. Come claim it, galactus. So now falcon will orbit the sun beore heading to mars, where musk says the tesla will be in deep space for a billion years or so in mars orbit. No surprise i mean, you gotta circle mars forever to find parking. Meanwhile, in the other frontiers of science snack food yesterday, news exploded online that pepsis c. E. O, indra nuri, hinted on a podcast that doritos is making lady friendly chips that dont crunch, for women. Not only that, but if it does make noise, it will be immediately interrupted by a crunching of a male chip. laughter now, if youre wondering, if youre wonder ago as i am why, god, why . It turns out that pepsico, who owns doritos, claims that research has found women do not like to crunch loudly or lick their fingers when eating in front of others. What kind of disgusting focus group was that . laughter hey, lady, lick your fingers. Did you like that . Did you like me watching you . This is for science. No, no, no. I stay behind the mirror. Only i get to see. Now, the lady chips would be palatable in other ways, too. They would be designed to fit in handbags. I dont know if women need help fitting food in their handbags. If you have ever been to a buffet with my aunt noreen, shell roll up with a purse for enough shrimp for a month. Well be right back with wanda sykes. To a blunt angled lob. Im dead. Im back. Its going to be everything. What . hes gonna make your hair long, then cut it short, to make it big. Oh, okay. Whats the strongman . Its a peaprotein, glutenfree pate. Its a burrito filled with plants pretending to be meat. Last night took a l, but tonight i bounce back whats an l . The rap singer took a loss and now hes okay again. Right. Livin large . Livin with his mama. [swipe sound] likes long walks . He doesnt have a car. [swipe sound] entrepreneur . Unemployed. [swipe sound] oh yeah you can get a mortgage that avoids pmi, but theres no way to avoid mip on an fha, now the. Hey thisll help. Rocket mortgage by quicken loans makes the complex simple. Alright. Understand the details and get approved in as few as 8 minutes. Theres also origination fees and escrow accounts. This takes care of it, thank you. Rocket mortgage, americas largest mortgage lender. Its just a gray dot. Dont we need that cable box to watch tv . Nope. Dont we need to run . Nope. It just explodes in a high pitched yeahhh. yeahhh try directv now for 10 a month for 3 months. No satellite needed. Baby, why dont you just maremeet me in the middle im losing my mind just a little so why dont you just meet me in the middle with advils fast relief, youll ask, what pulled muscle . What headache . Nothing works faster to make pain a distant memory. Advil liquigels and advil liquigels minis. What pain . I suggest you keep your ahands to yana. Elf. S minis. You may call me mrs. Grey. Mr. Grey said to take you straight home. Mr. Greys not here. You insist on defying me. What should i do about that . Learn to live with it. Rated r. In theaters friday. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has starred in everything curb your enthusiam. Please welcome wanda sykes. applause wow theyre awesome. Well, wanda sykes, lovely to have you here. Thank you nice to meet you again. We met briefly at the hand in hand benefit in los angeles for the hurricane victims. But you were with the bigwigs. You were over there sucking it up with Barbra Streisand you. Stephen have to suck it up with babes. I was like, hey, Stephen Stephen she needs your full attention. I wouldnt have said hi to you. I just would have been, like. Stephen listen, i know youre an eagles fan. Yyes, yes. Stephen congratulations. applause thank you, thank you, thank you thank you. Im also a saints fan. Thats my main team, saints. But im an eagles fan. Saints eye mean, eagles, eagle s. Stephen you have a place in philadelphia, dont jew yes. Stephen anything turned over in your neighborhood . No, we have a lot of nice, older white people in my neighborhood. Stephen they can turn ow. They can turn. Its the young ones you have to look out for. Stephen the lipitor, they go crazy. Kevin went a little crazy. Stephen kevin hart went crazy. Yeah, yeah. Stephen he tried to get up on the stand with the lombardi trophy, as if he played. He played im like, no, i know you do everything, but, no, you didnt do that. Stephen hes not quite big enough to catch the ball. I was like, come oman jumagi, youve seen jumagi stephen number one movie. Philly has never won a super bowl. Hes a huge fan, so, you know, he went nuts. Hey, at least he didnt eat horse bleep . You gotta give him that. Stephen thats true. Thats a new one. You gotta give him that. Stephen for the people who dont know, there is footage phillies fans. Stephen a particular phillies fan who has a bleep right now of of bending over and eating horse poop because the crowd was chanting for him to do it. Thats a people pleaser. Yeah, yeah. He is not a leader, no. He is not a leader. laughter stephen well, speaking of leaders, three of the eagles players have already said they dont want to go to the white house. Right. Stephen for the traditional invitation, where the president has the team down and congratulates them and everything with the lombardi trophy. If you were one of those players, would you go down to the white house . Honestly, i would go. I would. I would go, and i would show up with moving boxes and a uhaul. I would be like. cheers and applause lets go time to go stephen not bad. Thats not a bad idea. We we like to make some jokes about the president from time to time around here. Really . Stephen just once in a while, once nay while, when its appropriate. Its not always appropriate. When its appropriate we do. Im hardpressed okay, think of something positive about the guy. Is there anything anything positive. You do some political humor. Is there anything positive that comes to mind when you think about the president . laughter . Boy. You know, that melania, she doesnt seem too bad. laughter . Stephen yeah, yeah. Yeah. She doesnt seem too bad. Yeah. But, you know, what ive noticed, they never walk together. You notice that . Like, did you see, like, yesterday, i think, when he got off the helicopter stephen he always goes first. He just took off. But that tells a lot you know. It says that thats the guy whos trying to get ahead of his lie, yeah. Stephen get ahead of his lie . Get ahead of the lie. I have friends like, that man. When i see they pull up and he gets ahead of his wife, i know, okay, here comes the lie. Hes like, hey, i was with you last night, okay . If it comes up, i was with you watching the game, all right . applause thats straight to the hey, man, come here, come here. Stephen we were in the situation room, handling, you know,. Exactly, exactly. Thats his move. Hes, you know is the porn star dead . Is the porn star dead

© 2025 Vimarsana