Voters imagination, not lure them into a turkish embassy. You want to see me, maam . We need to give the American Voters what they want. Selina meyer. No. Yes. But no. Im in like an unpopular minority that they can blame for all their problems. Very hitleresque, maam. Yeah, but he had better people working for him. Stop i beg you, stop who in the intergalactic bleep are you . My name is Stephen Colbert and i come from another dimension. The things that you are doing on this earth then happen in my world over and over again. Okay, this is insane. Listen foul mouthed president who tweets like a child, blaming everything on the chinese. Election interference. A completely moronic press secretary. Completely moronic member of the press. How about antidaylight savings time laws. Daylight saving. 700 measles cases and rising. You are killing my world ugh oh, i know you. You are the guy with that show. The cocoa report. No, i dont do that anymore. That was a selfinvolved character i played, like you people. What . On my earth, i now host the late show on cbs. laughter no, im not kidding, i do. Youre telling me cbs hired wheres waldos pedophile brother . bleep another 85 pounds of generic white male mediocrity that shops at the lesbian warehouse . Thats not funny. I mean seriously, you look like letterman took the least funny dump of his life into a childs suit. Two points selina madam president , please, mya. Madam pre, please. You keep doing this here. You keep doing this here you people are sick, you are the most amoral bunch of self centered monsters ive ever met and ive interviewed bradley cooper. You know what, forget it. Im leaving. Yall can go to hell. Im a big fan. Great show. What show . Live from new york, its saturday night mike announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight impeachy keen. Plus stephen welcomes the cast of veep. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing cheers and applaus big, big night here on the late show. Welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Good news, we still have a government. For now. You see, donald trump and the u. S. Congress are locked in an epic struggle about oversight that were calling obstruction junction our democracy doesnt function. laughter piano riff butting heads like two rams. Speaker nancy pelosi says trumps defying congress at every turn. The president is goading us into wants to goad us into impeachment. Every single day, whether its obstruction, obstruction, obstruction, obstruction of having people come to the table with facts, ignoring subpoenas, s becoming impeachable. Ident laughter stephen i dont know about selfimpeachable, but he is you impeachable. laughter thats like the doctor telling you, as doctor your appendix is about to burst. Its becoming selfremovable. laughter so just just do it. At a press conference earlier today, trump was asked whether hes willing to cooperate with investigators, and he said he already has been. I could have stopped everything. I didnt have to give them a document. I gave them 1. 5 million documents. I gave them white house counsel, i gave them other lawy anybody you want, you can talk to. At the end of the testimony, no collusion and essentially no obstruction. laughter stephen what was that he said . Essentially . laughter thats a new one. as trump its like ive always said, the Mueller Report gave me complete and total exoneration sort of. Kind of sort of. laughter essentially no obstruction . There are ten counts of obstruction outlined in the Mueller Report thats like moses coming down from mount sinai and saying as moses just talked to god. Essentially, no commandments. laughter now, im going to ride the golden calf yeehaw cheers and applause piano riff whoo ye yehe woohoo crashing sound then, trump went after mueller. Bob mueller is no friend of mine. I had conflicts with him. We had a bus someby that is in e with james comey. He liked james comey. They were very good friends. Supposedly best friends, maybe not, but supposedly best friends. You look at the picture file and stephen sir, appearing in hundred of pictures with someone doesnt mean you like each other. Just ask melania. laughter cheers and applause so sad. So sad. Trump explained that, since mueller found no collusion, no ones talking about russia. Well, almost no one. You know, i havent heard the word russia in a long time. Theres no more talk about russia. What happened to russia . The russian witch hunt they dont talk because it was so on collusion, which, by the way, so i havt heard t wthey dt usa anymore. Stephen really . Beca yeehaw yeehaw whoo yeehaw whoo whoo cheers and applause piano riff after the press conference, trump hosted the World ChampionBoston Red Sox or as the white house spelled it, boston red socks. audience reacts not too good. Not too good. Still better than when they welcomed the super bowlwinning new England Party hats. laughter trump hosted only some of the red sox, because at least ten players, all latino or african american, elected not to attend. cheers and applause yeah. Apparently, they didnt want to be in a Place Associated with racism. Other than fenway park. laughter welcome to new york, everybody. laughter of course, trump is a born and bred new yorker, but he was nothing but sportsmanlike about the Yankeesred Sox feud. In the playoffs, you bested your archrival, the yankees. applause i think i will be a neutral in this one. Stephen as trump im going to stay neutral. There were very fine people in both dugouts. cheers and applause im serious. Im serious. Despite standing in front of the actual champions, the president still managed to make the world series about him. After taking a twogame lead at historic fenway park, to start the series, you headed to los gefor game thr i threw out the first pitch, a long time ago. Stephen its true. Donald trump threw out the first pitch at fenway back in 2006. He sounds really proud of that moment, so im sure he wont mind if i show this photo of him doing it. laughter cheers and applause piano riff our commander in derp. laughter then, trump made the red sox what he said was a special offer. You know, they never get to see the lincoln bedroom. They wanted to see the lincoln bedroom. So, i am going to give the tour myself, okay . Stephen yeah, no one ever gets to see the lincoln bedroom. Except maybe these nascar guys two weeks ago. Do you have any interest in seeing the lincoln bedroom . Have you seen the lincoln bedroom before . Not too many people have. Its very special. Lets go, okay . Well go see the lincoln bedroom together, okay . Ill give you a personal tour. It is special, and you are special. Special champions. Stephen weeping nascar you told us we were special champions. Now youre just pimping out the lincoln bedroom to any white athlete willing to be seen with you. Gah cheers and applause piano riff trumps been busy. Last night, he held a rally down in the florida panhandle. For the most part, he managed to stay on script. If that script just said, wing it laughter first, he showered his supporters with compliments. You know what you are . Youre the smartest, youre the hardest working, you pay your taxes. Stephen you know what they say opposites attract. piano riff then, the crowd returned trumps compliment things are going good for you. And for our i love you, too. Thank you. cheers and applause thats a guy but i love him, all right . Stephen as trump i know, its crazy. Ive never loved a man before. Sorry, don jr. And i want to say dirk . laughter the one that cant close his mouth. laughter trump also went after his potential democratic opponents, like mayor pete. We have a young man, buttigieg bootedgeedge, they say edgeedge. Hes got a great chance, says hell be great, hell be great representing us against president xi of china. Thatll be great, thatd be great. I want to be in that room. I want to watch that one. Stephen as trump seriously, i want to watch and learn how its done. He speaks, like, a bunch of languages. I bet he knows mandarin and cantaloupe. laughter piano riff applause so delicious. So but the big moment everyones talking about is when trump bragged about not shooting migrants at the border. I mean, when you have 15,000 people marching up, and you have hundreds and hundreds of people and you have two or three Border Security people that are brave and great and dont forget, we dont let them, and we cant let them use weapons. We cant. Other countries do. We cant. I would never do that. But how do you stop these people . Attendee shoot em you cant. Theres no laughter thats only in the panhandle you can get away with that statement. Buzzer. Stephen im sorry, the correct answer was, no, that would be murder. price is right failure sound cheers and applause trump ended his rally with these words of comfort be afraid. So, always keep your eyes open, be careful and let Law Enforcement know when you see a kook. Stephen ooh i see one hello, 911 . laughter cheers and applause hello. Hello. 911 . Angry, orange, face like an old bible, and he trying to lure me into the lincoln bedroom. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. The cast of veep is here. But when we return, meanwhile join us. cheers and applause hey allergy muddlers. Achoo . Do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. Zyrtec starts working hard at hour one. And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Zyrtec muddle no more. And try childrens zyrtec for consistently powerful relief of your kids allergies. Wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Now we look gogh in old navy, always oh, gingham and dots whats good here . Nothing, i just come for the outfits. With moderate to severe ulceratiyour plans. Crohns, can change in minutes. Your head wants to do one thing. But your gut says not today. If your Current Treatment isnt working. Ask your doctor about entyvio®. 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Hold true. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band cheers and applause jon, you know, normally, i have so many cards here tonight, you know why. Jon because you have guests. Stephen i have so many guests here tonight. The cast of veep is here tonight. Jon wow cheers and applause stephen im so excited. Youre going to have to hose me down. laughter now, folks, during my monologue, i always go Grocery Shopping for the big news staples your donald trump gallon of milk, your Mueller Report rotisserie chicken. But sometimes i like to hit the discount aisle and collect the dented cans and loose grapes of news that is my segment, meanwhile cheers and applause brings joy to a nation. Meanwhile meanwhile, Avengers Endgame just beat the 2. 12 billion box. cheers and applause wow, that is the worst thing to ever happen to the titanic. laughter this puts endgames record within spitting distance of the alltime record holder, James Camerons other mega blockbuster, avatar. But im sure avatars sequels will blow the avengers out of the water, as soon as they bring back all our favorite characters, like, uh. Chester. laughter and who can forget the the bad guy. laughter so good. Meanwhile, according to researchers at oxford, on facebook, the dead will eventually outnumber the living. But theyre still going to invite you to their improv show. laughter click maybe. laughter meanwhile, this week is the vaticans 14th annual exorcist conference the latest in their increasingly popular annual exorcism conventions. Yes, folks, its time for 2019 exfest laughter where you can meet exorcism superstars like cardinal ernest simoni, who has said he performs four or five exorcisms by phone every single day from his native albania. laughter by phone . Dont put in too much effort cardinal. If you really crank through some demons, just do a textorcism. laughter thats devil emoji, middle finger emoji. laughter cheers and applause well be right back with the cast of veep. cheers and applause band playing were not all equal as far as talent were not equal as far as size but we all are equal as far as having the opportunity to be the best you can be yeah screams yeah you know those butterflies arent actually in the room . Hey, that baker ladys on tv again. Shes not a baker. She wears that apron to sell insurance. Nobody knows why. Shes the progressive insurance lady. They cover pets if your owner gets into a car accident. Covers us with what . You got me. [ scoffs ] shes an insurance lady. And i suppose this baker sells insurance, too . Progressive protects your pets like you do. You can see the secret life of pets 2 only in theaters. The secret life of pets 2 to your door. But can they bring fist bumps . doorbell rings and high fives . Can they cause mini stampedes . Bring you instant hero status . Or turn back time with the turn of a knob . Others can bring you food. We bring you a little more. Delivering happy. Mcdonalds on uber eats. Well, what if i. Drove me home . [ ] what if we lost track of time . [ ] what if we took a leap of faith . Whoohoo what if you. Missed my flight next week . [ ] toyota. Lets go places. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show exciting night for me, especially because my guests tonight are a group of brilliant actors who have made me laugh for the last seven years, by playing some of the worst people in washington, d. C. Please welcome the cast of hbos veep as marjorie palmiotti, clea duvall. As catherine meyer, sarah sutherland. As richard t. Dont know why i said t. , my middle name is john splett, sam richardson. As kent davison, gary cole. As ben cafferty, kevin dunn. As jonah ryan, timothy simons. As mike mclintock, matt walsh. As amy brookheimer, anna chlumsky. Y tony le. And as president selina meyer, Julia Louisdreyfus please, please. cheers and applause please, have a seat. This is extraordinary. What a nice reception. Stephen yeah, well, you guys get that everywhere you go now these days, im sure. Yeah, grocery store, doesnt matter where we are. As long as were all together. Yes, we travel in a group. Thank you for the nice rug. Stephen youre welcome. We do things classy here. This is broadcast network. laughter i am rarely nervous to talk to guests because im in show business, too, so, you know, big deal. laughter but this, for me, is like this is up there with the lord of the rings. This is like talking to the fellow ship of the ring right now. laughter but i think youre playing the lollipop. laughter ive told many of you how much i geek out over you even when youre not around. I listen to the show when im doing the dishes, going to bed. No visual . Stephen no, i literally just listen to the jokes. Ou . No. We wear costumes, have sets. Stephen well, for the people out there the few people out there who may not know what the show is about, what is the show about to you, julia . Oh, god, i knew you would ask me this question. I feel like im taking my s. A. T. S. laughter stephen give me an analogy. This show is to chivalry as no, im not doing that. laughter stephen okay. This is a show that is a satire of the culture of politics. Stephen okay. And it is without party i mean party, that is to say not identified, there is just us and them which i think is useful use no matter party yof stephen you work really haro people on both s of th aisle, extreme sides of the aisle, really dig this show and tell us how much they like were making fun of the other side which is very satisfying. Thats nice. Yes. Stephen who is original cast from seven years ago . Raise your hands, please. What did you think this was going to be when you first heard of the idea or saw the first script . How many curse words were there in the first page . Oh, i think there were many curse words within probably the first few lines. I worked with Armando Ianucci before, the creator, and i dont think i needed to read it because i enjoy working with him so much, but then i was on a subway reading it, and the moment i was laughing out loud on the subway, i was just, like, yeah, they it, ats goin b stephen thats so refreshing to read a comedy script that makes you laugh. Its true. Thats not a joke. Stephen yeah, for a lot of comedy scripts you read it, yeah, that could be argued that was a joke. I understand how that would be funny. When i first heard about this show, the script hadnt been written yet, and all i knew was that it was a comedy about an unhappy Vice President on h. B. O. Written by Armando Ianucci. And i was, like, if i dont get this job im going to kill myself. laughter no, thats not true. But i was really just a joke, just a joke. But i was pretty excited to hear just that. Stephent came r. Tses wht alothethatdthemselves. Stephen thats a really good joke. Thanks for getting darker, tim. Stephen wow, could have been halle berry could have played this part. Does anybody remember their audition . After the show had already been established, clay . Yeah, i remember very well. Veep was my absolute favorite show when i got the phone call to audition, i thought there was zero chance i would get the part, but i wanted to try, and i spent the weekend trying to release any kind of emotion or facial expressions from my body. Then, when i got to the audition, i didnt know julia was going to be there, and that made me very nervous, but with my new lack of