Relationship . Or was it murder . I quickly read the spinning papers for clues. Trump pulls out of the paris accord. Trump threatens tariffs on french wine. Trump says mona lisa is a 4 at best. After analyzing the evidence, i had solved the case. The tree committed suicide. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, older not wiser. Plus, stephen welcomes aubrey plaza and dan abrams. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello stephen please thank you very much. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. First of all, happy i feel the same way happy friday, everybody. And just cheers and applause thats a good feeling. Jon great stephen and just as importantly, happy Donald Trumps birthday. booing yes, happy boooorth day. Today the president is 73 years old. But hes got the body of a much younger man. Who has been fished out of a river. laughter and i think its going to be a great birthday for President Trump, because june 14 is also flag day. I think know someone whos getting birthday sex its getting serious. Of town s the nig this week also marked the oneyear anniversary of trumps singapore summit with north korean madman kim jongun. Wow. I cant believe its already been a whole year since nothing happened. laughter but trump and kims friendship is going strong despite reports that kim killed all of the top negotiators from their second summit and reportedly killed one of his generals by throwing him in a piranhafilled fish tank. Well, its like the old saying, give a man a fish, hell eat for a day. Feed a man to fish, and trump will still say nice things about you. We also learned that kims half brother, who kim had murdered, turns out was a cia source. I wonder how kim found out about that. as trump great to see you, kim. Say hi to your halfbrother for me. Man, that guy sure knows a lot about your secret nuclear program. And he is a chatty kathy. Jabber jaw, wont shut up. applause dont tell him i told you that. And a reporter asked the presdient about kims informant brother. I saw the information about the cia with respect to his brother, or halfbrother, and i would tell him that would not happen under my under my auspices. Thats for sure. I wouldnt let that happen under my auspices. as trump stephen all im saying is my word of the day calendar, was auspices. Tomorrow thats today. I would not let that happen under my als auspices. Tomorrow i would not let that happen under my. Gregarious. Hes saying that hes not going to spy on north korea. And a reporter asked him about that. You seemed to suggest yesterday that you are essentially committing to not spying on north korea. Is that what you meant . Were those comments interpreted accurately . No, its not what i meant. Its what i said, and its i think its different than maybe your interpretation. laughter laughter applause stephen no, thats what you heard but not what i thought. But it is what i said, but not what i meant. laughter and all week, trumps been explaining why he likes kim. I just received a beautiful letter from kim jongun it was a very personal, very warm, very nice letter. I appreciate it. He just wrote me a nice letter. Unexpected. As i said yesterday, very nice letter. But it was a very nice letter, a very warm, very nice letter. as trump stephen yes, hes a coldblooded madman, but hes also a good guy. A murderer, but hes killing me with kindness. Really knows how to execute a warm letter. Hes a straight shooter in the head, a guy you really want to hang with, truly my favorite youth in asia. laughter applause and it turns out what . What . What, are puns illegal now. Jon that is a pun. Stephen it turns out, according to an administration official, the letter kim sent to President Trump has nothing to do with denuclearization. Its a birthday greeting. Thats all it takes to win trump over. It reminds me of that key moment in world war ii we shall fight them on the beaches. We shall fight them on the landing grounds. We shall Never Surrender wait, hitler sent me a birthday card and theres a dollar in here go surrender stephen so yeah, yeah. So, kim, youre good testing darn it. Jon 1. Stephen one letter, one letter. Speaking of the darkness that threatens to swallow us all, Kellyanne Conway. Yesterday booing her family is here tonight. laughter applause yesterday, a federal agency recommended that conway be removed from service after finding that she repeatedly used her office for political purposes. Which brings up an important question what is her office . I assume shes the secretary of lying to reporters in a driveway. Conways in trouble for violating something called the hatch act, which bars federal employees from political activity while on the job. According to this report, she repeatedly violated that law by trashtalking Democratic Candidates and that her actions erode the Principal Foundation of our democratic system, the rule of law. Okay. Not the best employee review. Okay, kellyanne, come in and have a seat. Theres positives and negatives. Says here, for one, youre a cancer on the republic. But on the bright side, youre punctual. applause true, never late. Jon gotta be on time. Its important. Stephen never late. Kellyanne is so bad that this was the first time the Oversight Office has made such a recommendation for a white house official. And Kellyanne Conway do not give a damn. Just a couple weeks ago, when asked about it, she said, blah, blah, blah. If youre trying to silence me through the hatch act, its not going to work. Let me know when the jail sentence starts. as kellyanne your honor, i plead blah, blah, blah. Whatever, losers. What are you gonna do, send me to court . Oh, thats where i am right now . Well, i bet you cant drag me to jail. Oh, you can . Later, haters cheers and applause 5 theres a little news out there from the 2020 campaign trail. Former starbucks c. E. O. Howard schultz has suspended his bid for president. Yeah. applause he suspended it. Just like we suspended the family dog to a nice farm upstate where he can run for president , too. Youll recall, schultz is the billionaire testing the waters for a run as a centrist independent. And among all the 2020 candidates, im pretty sure he is one of these four guys. Unless those are all guys who helped me at the mens warehouse this morning. When schultz announced his potential run, the response was, to put it in starbucks terms a roomtemp, lowfoam decaf who cares. But he hasnt officially given up, though he did fire most of his Campaign Staff in a move that an aide called realigning the team for the next phase of his exploration. He has got the corporate lingo down. Ive begun proactive streamlining due to the lack of synergy between me and having a frapuccinos chance in hell. But schultz does have a good excuse for taking a break. In a campaign email, he said, dear friends friends plural . Lets not get ahead of ourselves, howard. But go on. I, unfortunately, experienced acute back pain that required me to cut my travels short. I underwent three separate back surgeries. Today, i am feeling much better, and my doctors foresee a full recovery. Well, thats great news. Although, i do have a hunch how he got hurt. Guys, have you seen my polling numbers . Theres only one dignified way out of this. Quick, throw me down a flight of stairs laugh applause cheers but in light of this news, i do have my own announcement dear friends, as of today, i am officially suspending caring about howard schultz. I have not discussed this with my family or with my spiritual adviser. I tried to, but no one wanted to talk about howard schultz. But there are things people do want to talk about. For instance, its pride month. cheers and applause yes, thank you, thank you that thats a lovely response, but not everybodys proud that it is pride because the Trump Administration has barred pride flags from embassy flagpoles. booing makes sense. They need that space for the new banners that say now accepting election interference you see, under barack obama, pride flags were allowed to fly at u. S. Embassies, but last year, the rule changed, and they needed to request permission from the state department. This year, all requests were denied, including ones from embassies in israel, germany, brazil and latvia. You cant deny latvia the joy of flying the rainbow flag. I mean, for petes sake, they dont have color there yet. Their skittles ads just say, taste the gravel. But heres the thing not fair. Im sure its a lovely country. Thats not fair at all. Its a cheap but effective joke. But heres the thing the embassies are rebelling. Because the rule says technically you cant put the pride flag on the flagpole, so instead, theyre putting it on the facade of the embassy in seoul, through light projections on the embassy in new dehli, and in nepal, Embassy Staff wore rainbow colors and held up pride balloons. Hell yes because that is the best finding ways to break the rules is what pride is all about remember, this all started with a clash with police over their oppressive antigay tactics. And that spirit of rebellion is now so fittingly captured on the tmobile our pride is unlimited float. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Aubrey plaza is here. But when we come back fathers day cards applause the 2019 nissan kicks. The worlds most spellbinding journey. Will take its wildest turn yet. Prepare to face the forbidden forest. And join hagrid to encounter the rarest of magical creatures. In the epic new addition to the Wizarding World of harry potter. Only at universal orlando resort. Stay at a universal hotel with three epic theme parks outside your door. Packages start from just 89 dollars per person, per night. Wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Glike an antigravity chair. Kohls. Or the amazon echo and get 10 kohls cash . Or a new fitbit. And get 30 kohls cash plus stack the savings with an extra 15 or 20 off . Plus save even more on your fathers day gift purchase thursday through sunday. At kohls. For people 50 and older colat average risk. Ing honey have you seen my glasses . Ive always had a knack for finding things. Colon cancer, to be exact. And i find it noninvasively. No need for time off or special prep. It all starts here. You collect your sample, and cologuard uses the dna in your stool to find 92 of colon cancers. You can always count on me to know where to look. Oh, i found them i can do this test now ask your doctor if cologuard is right for you. Covered by medicare and most major insurers. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human right there. Come on cheers and applause friday, friday, jon. Exciting. Folks, this sunday is fathers day. Its just like mothers day, only more distant. And every dad loves to get a fathers day card. Theyre great. But all greeting cards had to start somewhere. And the people who write greeting cards dont always nail it on the first try. Thats why tonight were taking a look at early efforts in our segment first graphs. No, no, stupid all right, i need some help here. Who wants to help out with first drafts. Is there a father in the house . Do we have a father you, sir, right there. I saw you first. Come with me, sir. Give it up for the man right here. Take a seat. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for coming up with me. Sir, moose your name. Meneche. Stephen nice to meet you. Im stephen. Are you a dad . Im a dad. Two beautiful daughters right there and my wife. Stephen im a dad, too. One daughter, two boys, one daughter, two boys. Yeah, its challenging. Do you think dads get appreciated enough . I dont think so . I dont think so, either. Were going to change that right now. We have a couple of fathers day presents for you tonight, dad. We is a tie that will match nothing you own. Thank you. Dont get this one. Stephen and weve got weve got a cinnamon roll baked by a sixyearold. There you go. I had those. Stephen you had those, yeah . Im going to leave it here. What were going to do have you seen first drafts before . Do you know what were going to do . No. Stephen what were going to do is we have a bunch of fathers day cards here, and the first card im going to show is going to be the card that was actually sold, the final draft. Okay. Stephen then im going to show the first draft that was not good enough to sell that they had to rewrite. Do you understand the premise . It wasnt good the first time. Stephen right, exactly. Thats exactly right. Thats it. Come on were dad were dad bonding right here. You hold these. And i want you to hard these to me, one card at a time. May i have the first card, please . Thank you very much. Youre a natural. This card says it all. It says happy fathers day. Dad you taught me everything i know. Thats really sweet. Thats really sweet. And the first draft said, happy fathers day, which is why i just tried to change a tire with a hammer. Are you handy . A little bit. Stephen can you have you have you taught your daughters how to change a tire . Yeah. The younger one doesnt know how the tires work. The older one does a little bit. Stephen wait a second. Wait a second. She doesnt know how tires work . No. Stephen she understands the concept of rolling, doesnt she . Could i have the next card. Thank you very much . Heres a nice pun. Happy fathers day youre one nay melon. Thats kind of cute. Id love to but that one right there. But the first draft said happy fathers day. I wouldnt be here if you and mom didnt honeydew it thats true, thats true. Thats true. Stephen this is this is this is my favorite. Do you do you do you get good presents . Oh, yeah. Stephen do you get good presents . Yeah. Stephen what do you want for fathers day in case they havent bought you anything yet . Do you have a hint . Not the same color shirt. Stephen have you gotten the same color shirt more than one year in a row . Probably. laughter . Stephen who gave you this . Who gave you that . I think i bought this myself. Stephen okay. Not that color. Okay. Heres a fun one. Its darth vader and it says, dad, you are my father. Thats fun. Thats fun. But the first draft said, dad, this. Doesnt end well for you. laughter applause it doesnt. It doesnt. This is a good one right here. It says to my fatherinlaw. Youre just like a dad to me. Thats sweet. But the first draft said, to my fatherinlaw. Youre just like a dad to me, which would make my wife my sister, which is weird. I take it back. Thats true, thats true. Thank you. You have enjoyed this . I very much so. Stephen this is nigh fathers day present to you. Thank you, stephen. Stephen thank you. Did you get me anything . Yeah, absolutely. Oh, thank you very much cheers and applause regift thank you very much. applause our final our final fathers day card. Heres a fun one. It says happy fathers day. This is not your average fathers day card. Thats nice. But the first draft said, happy fathers day. I hope this helps cure your qeso clinical depression. Thank you so much. Thank you, stephen. Stephen give it up for meneche, everybody. Well be right back with aubrey plaza. applause walkin like a taco driving over potholes hotter than a pot roast fingers on my hot chips red handed come on man now im a need some chopsticks i want it that way i want it that way the original, now its hot. When your psoriasis is bad, it can be hard to see whats possible. But the possibilities become clear with taltz. The first and only treatment of its kind offering a chance at 100 clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of those with moderate to severe psoriasis saw a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. Some even saw 100 clear skin. Dont use if youre allergic to taltz. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. 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Click, call or visit a store today. band playing cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the show. A pleasant evening. What night is this . Lovely friday. Happy friday, jon. Happy friday. Ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause please, contain yourself. Contain yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. Folks you know my first guest from parks and recreation, ingrid goes west, and legion. She now stars in the new movie childs play. Please welcome aubrey plaza stephen hi, aubrey. How are you . Dont be afraid of me. Dont hurt me. Dont hurt me. Stephen i wont, i promise you. How are you . Its nice to see you again . Nice to see you, too. Stephen are you a horror fan . Because now were in the new childs play. I wouldnt no, not really. Stephen this is a this is a this is a new one, and chuckie, who is the doll, the evil doll thats right. Stephen that kills people. Just to be clear, im not playing chuckie. laughter a lot of people have assumed that im playing chuckie. I dont know why. Because im a woman. laughter . Stephen but youre youre the chuckie is evil. Yup. Stephen and your twitter handle is evil hag. Yeah, thats a coincidence that has nothing to do with anything. I can do whatever i want in my personal life. Stephen i know. I know that. Im just curious why evil hag . Because you dont seem like an evil person. Thats a long story, and were not supposed to talk about that. Stephen what . Legally . Legally were not allowed to talk about it i dont want to get sued again, okay. No, i had a fascination with has, i thought hags stephen witchy kind. Like sea hags, specifically, nauticalole women. Stephen who dragged the sailors in the night. An old woman with the net and a bunch of seaweed coming out of her teeth. And for some reason that image always was appealing to me. Stephen oh, 100 . Im on team hag right here. When i moved to l. A. , i actually did i had my friend film a bunch of videos of me, like, ru