Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight d. J. T. Day plus, stephen welcomes mindy kaling. And seth green. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen oh hey good to see ya whats going on . cheers and applause happy thursday, everybody audience stephen, Stephen Stephen whoo got to get these people on the straight and narrow here, back on the path. cheers and applause thanks, everybody please cheers and applause nice. Thats nice. Hello, all. Hello, all. Please have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is the cheers and applause piano riff today is a solemn day. Its the anniversary of dday, when we beat the nazis, once and for until very recently. laughter pretty good run, youve got to President Trump was in normandy to commemorate the occasion, and he gave a speech that was, by all accounts and i hope im pronouncing this correctly president ial . laughter havent seen that word in a while. That all came to a screeching halt once he wasnt reading somebody elses words. For instance, trump sat down with french president , and man saying french accent here is the church, here is the steeple emmanuel macron. laughter trump told macron about the significance of the dday landing beaches. It is a very special place. It is an amazing place. And its somewhere, when you think of those places of great importance, this is certainly one of the top, in the eyes of some, its the its the top. Stephen as trump in terms no, its true, no its true in terms of the top places of amazing importance, its really amazing how top important it is. Some say and i would say, the top, when you think of places, and tops, and certainly one of the few beaches in france where people wear tops. laughter am i correct . Tell me if im correct. piano riff trump had more praise for his host country, and the palace they were meeting in. Id love you to maybe tell some of the folks in the media, just quick, like you did me, how it started with napoleon. Its a very interesting place that were in. And, as you know, france has many interesting places. Stephen as trump yes, not everyone knows that, jon. France has so many interesting places. Theres the hunchback church, theres old penis tower, thats famous, thth the naked ladies dance, the mines, the their famous toast museum, and of course the academy of tonguekiss. Trump explained how he met a new type of person on his trip who taught him things on his travels. They called them the guides. And they were guiding us. They were telling us what happened and when. laughter stephen yes, they call them the guides. I, too, have met the guides. And they led us to the bus, and said unto us, look to your right, for there is the arc de triomphe. And lo, they bequeathed us the boxed lunch. laughter trump was also asked about whether he would lead america to frances defense again. It is very sad but i would absolutely be right there. I would be right there. Stephen as trump absolutely. Id be right there. Especially especially now that those world war ii soldiers are so old and easy to fight. I mean, just bingitybangityboom, nighty night, grandpa, beach saved thats what the guide told me. laughter now, the president is of course facing his own battles back home. Yesterday, House Democratic leaders met in private to talk about the possibility of impeachment, and things got heated between speaker of the house nancy pelosi and house judiciary chairman and proud father of two wonderful chairs, jerry nadler. laughter congressman nadler wants to launch an impeachment inquiry against trump, but pelosi turned him down, responding, i dont want to see him impeached, i want to see him in prison. cheers and applause piano riff okay, but why do we have to choose . laughter and democrats arent trumps only problem. Last week, trump threatened that if mexico did not stop Central American migrants from crossing into the united states, he would put a 5 tariff on everything we import from them, starting this coming monday. Everyone is going to feel these tariffs. Our top four agricultural imports from mexico are beer, avocados, tomatoes, and tequila. Trump is putting a tariff on summer laughter so, heres the thing, if you like avocados, i suggestno thenl of them this weekend because theyre going to go bad. laughter theyre not ripe theyre hard, theyre hard, theyre hard, theyre mush. Theyre gone. This is such a bad idea that even Congressional Republicans are flirting with rebellion. Oooh, oh, oh really . Flirting . Flirting flirting with rebellion. That could lead to a dalliance with integrity, maybe making eyes at governance, and then at the christmas party, a drunken hookup with defending the constitution. cheers and applause they are 100 . Jon yeah, incredible. Stephen i know for a fact you are not applauding the constitution. You are applauding drunken hookups right now. laughter so, the g. O. P. Caucus met with white house officials to learn what trumps plan with mexico was. And, howd that go . One republican aide after this meeting was over with, they described this as a clusterf. I wont complete the word there. Stephen oh, oh, oh can i guess . laughter cluster cluster cluster f is it cluster farm . Is it cluster fun . Its just, its cluster bleep , isnt it . Its cluster bleep . cheers and applause why do you have to . Why the potty mouth . Now, there have been rumors that republicans are so upset about these tariffs that they might do anything. Those rumors were shoved into a shallow grave by Senate Majority leader and man who just read an article about his bodys hidden Pleasure Centers laughter mitch mcconnell. Mcconnell said, most of us hope that this mexican delegation thats come up here and discussed the challenges at the border, and what the mexicans might be able to do to help us more than they have, will be fruitful, and that these tariffs will not kick in. Yes, hes hoping that theyll get trump to not put the tariffs on. In other words, mcconnell wants the mexicans to do the jobs american politicians wont do. And the mexicans heres the deal, the mexicans, they went to the white house, right . They went to the white house and no. Back in europe, meanwhile, trump took time out of his day of solemn remembrance to fire back at his congressional critics. Stephen yes, unlike those stupid senators, trump understands complex economic principles like money, and product, and thing. laughter then trump unveiled a new nickname for nancy pelosi. I call her nervous nancy. Stephen as trump something about me having control of our Nuclear Arsenal just makes her skittish i dont know what it is. laughter Speaker Pelosi was also in normandy to honor dday. And when she was asked to respond to trump, she was stephen as pelosi but as soon as im flying over international waters, you give me an airplane chardonnay, and the claws will come out. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Mindy kaling is here. 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A lovely person to boot and shes got the new movie late night. Jon oh, yeah, yes indeed. Stephen about a late night talk show. We might have something to talk about. Jon thats right, she can give some insight. Stephen we might be able to relate. Jon yeah, relate. Stephen well, folks, as we were saying before, today is the 75th anniversary of dday, and i was looking at all the footage over in normandy. I went over there a few years ago, because my mothers brother, my uncle Andrew Edward tuck was a lieutenant in world war ii and he was in the 101st airborne and dropped in eight hours before dday to cut communications lines. And, he fought there, he fought in market garden, he fought in bastogne. He went all the way to the eagles nest, and did not survive the war, sadly. But we have all of his letters that he sent back, to his mom and his dad and sisters, my mom being one of them. And i thought i would like to read you one of his letters right now, in commemoration of all the people who sacrificed in world war ii that we might be free. And this is the last letter he sent before dday. There are a lot more letters from the rest of the war, but this is the last letter before dday. He was stationed in england, getting ready to go. They didnt know where, they didnt even know when, and this is from may 10, 1944. Mom dearest, do you want to go on a dream with me . I am tugging myself back to reality. Its quite a job. A little jingle keeps running through my head. Here i am on a hillside, master of all i view, that is, master to toy with each beauty in my mind. Each green hill bows gracefully into a valley. Each valley smiles back up to me, its face wrinkled with roads, gardens and clustered houses. A portrait of an old man, this, with a smoke of a village curling lazily over him. What a story he could tell of foreign friend and foreign foe, from back before a single plow had violated virgin soil till now when all his coat is quilted like a rag doll. From halfclad men in caves to the dwellers of the nisson hut, of that that was and is no more. And that that was and always shall be, land unharnessed and land worked, the rights of man and war, the law of god and peace. Patient old man, let me take one of your hills that one, tethered into a huge bouquet by its twisting, turning hedgerows. Let me offer it to god in thanksgiving for that that was and always shall be. This is england in the spring of 44, and warriors gaze eastward, as warriors have before. applause best of love to all my wonderful family, eddie. And the next letter is after, hes already in france in the next letter. And, i didnt know him. sighs but i love him. applause you know, folks, each night over there in the monologue, i stand on that stage serving you a beautiful layer cake of all the big stories. But, occasionally, i have to sw, pack em together tightly into a ball, dip that in frosting and jam it on a stick, to make the cakepop of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile, this week, off the coast of south carolina, two recreational deepsea fishermen pulled in a package wrapped in black plastic floating in the water that turned out to be about 30 to 50 kilos of cocaine with a street value of up to 1 million. Exciting for the fishermen, not so great for the person who misplaced a Million Dollars of cocaine. Honey . Have you seen my big black sack . It was on the back of the speedboat next to my sunglasses . Yeah, no big deal, anywho, hey, lets change our names and move to canada. Dont answer the phone laughter now on a personal note, this floating pile of drug trash was found in the ocean 70 miles southeast of charleston. I was just out there fishing last week i saw this story and i said you know, i bet you anything there were a bunch of mahimahi mobbing that cocaine brick. Because they love anything that casts shade down into the water. Well, sure enough, the fishermen said they found the cocaine because they spotted a school of mahimahi jumping around it. laughter and every one of those fish was amped about a cool new screenplay idea. Okay, heres the deal, its like the godfather, but with fish and, hear me out, luca brasi sleeps with the people laughter lets dance lets dance laughter so i have been told. Meanwhile, this week, after a Water Treatment messup, the tap water in cole grove, ohio turned bright pink. Okay, these baby gender reveals are getting way out of hand. laughter its a girl and the whole town is dead the pink color was caused by the release of a large quantity of sodium permanganate, a purifying agent Officials Say is safe for drinking, but could be damaging to clothes. laughter so, the stuff that looks like liquefied peppa pig is fine for your insides, but for gods sake, dont let it touch your pants laughter meanwhile, remember the disastrous Fyre Festival . Well, one of the festivals cofounders, rapper ja rule, still thinks the Fyre Festival was a good idea. The Fyre Festival was an amazing idea. The idea of it was dope, the marketing was dope, everything was done very right on that end. It just, it wasnt, we didnt. The execution was bad . The execution was extremely bad, man. Stephen thats kinda the whole point, mr. Rule. The hindenburg was an amazing idea the idea was dope. The marketing was dope. Its just, the fire and the screaming and not dope. Jon yeah. Stephen who was in charge of the execution should be executed. laughter meanwhile, in iceland, a Swimming Pool has banned men from using hairdryers on their nether regions, and they even produced this poster showing what elderly men should not do. I am here to say that level of detail is not necessary laughter and, just for the record, if you must use the dryer down there, dont make eye contact with us while you do it laughter cheers and applause piano riff ug well, ill be done in. As long as you want this to take. But fear not, old men of iceland, there is a solution from now on, just drop your boys into the old dyson air blade. laughter clearly designed for it. Well be right back with mindy kaling. cheers and applause band playing sun care is self care. I used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy. But with Olay Regenerist whip spf 25, its so lightweight. I love it. Im busy philipps, and im fearless to face anything. Hey, who are you . 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I like to plan my activities before i take trip, with tripadvisor, its easy to discover over 100,000 bookable things to do, from walking tours in rome to Wine Tastings in tuscany, and if you like what you see, you can book it with ease. Just another way tripadvisor helps you make your trip a masterpiece. Hoo read reviews, check hotel prices, book things to do. Tripadvisor. cheers and applause 6 band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back hey welcome back to the show, everybody cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my first guest this evening is a writer and actor who has starred in the Mindy Project, a wrinkle in time, and oceans 8. Her new film is late night. So you went to our parents Parent Company in order to make this interview . Yep. And you have no experience in comedy . No, no, im obsessed with comedy. No, ive seen every episode of the show, ive read every book written about it. I do a little standup. Where . If you have a problem, ask the chemist, shell always have the solution. Which kills with people who know about chemistry. Stephen please welcome back to the late show, mindy kaling cheers and applause thank you very nice job i like this great to see you cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen for you. Great crowd today. Stephen fantastic. I did not get that kind of entrance. You get that kind of entrance. And not just because they applauded for me. I can sense, they are cool and smart people. Stephen very much. cheers and applause do you know what i mean . Stephen sure, absolutely. Theyre also physically attractive. And good looking. Stephen very, yes. I scanned the audience, and i was, like, this is a bunch of smoke shows. Stephen yeah. Nice to see you again. I am so happy to be here. Stephen i have been lucky enough to see a fair amount of you recently, because i interviewed the montclair Film Festival for late night, when you showed it there. Thank you so much for being there. I went to your home for a short time. Stephen yeah, i got you drunk. Yes. Stephen briefly. Afternoon day drinking with mindy kaling. It was great. Stephen now, you went to dartmouth and you have a fancy playwriting