Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, biden his time plus, stephen welcomes Craig Ferguson. Ronda rousey. And bear grylls. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on wooo oh, hey welcome band playing hello please please, have a seat, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is cheers and applause i feel the same way. I feel the same way. It is friday. You can feel it in the air. More importantly, happy trio de mayo. laughter thats a thing . Its not a thing. Trumps been riding high this whole week. Its been a very good week for him. Thanks to his old obstructinin buddy, bill barr, the Mueller Report might be behind him. But hes facing heat from a brandnew, gentlyused enemy joe biden, because trumps own campaign has internal polling showing biden to be trumps most dangerous opponent unless theres a surprise candidacy from this umbrella. laughter that could be why doesnt know how to close an umbrella, has the nuclear codes. Earlier this week, trump fired off almost 60 antibiden retweets in an hour. Thats right, an hour. It took his entire workday. laughter that means that means trump read 60 tweets. The last time he read that much was when mcdonalds redesigned their menu. laughter as trump everythings whats this . Everythings in a different spot now. I cant, i cant, i cant find nugget. laughter where is n where are you, nugget . laughter come to the nugget hole. laughter apple pie, have you seen nugget . laughter piano riff some trump advisers think hes wrong to be targeting biden this early in the race. For instance, president ial son inlaw and birthday boy learning he must share his cake with the other children, jared kushner. laughter kushner reportedly told the Trump Campaign team not to comment on democratic primary politics because targeting specific democratic president ial hopefuls was, at best, a waste of time, and could even be counterproductive. Oh, yeah . Really . Well, counterproductive is donald j. Trumps middle name, because he thinks you spell it with a j. laughter but surprise trump wont listen. Everywhere he goes, hes been calling biden sleepy joe because, according to one source, trump believes that if you can encapsulate someone in a phrase or a nickname, you can own them. lowenergy jeb, little marco that kind of bleep really diminishes people. Yes, giving someone the right name and you destroy them. Trump learned that from republican senator alan rumpelstiltskin. laughter trumps allies are confident that he has what it takes to topple biden. Steve bannon claims trump will benchpress biden on the debate stage if it ever gets to that. Oh, please, let it get to that. laughter please. Please. cheers and applause as trump okay, okay, joe. Get ready. Lay down on top of my hands. Ill tell you what, ill tell you what why dont you just be the bench . But biden isnt trumps only opponent. His other opponent is. The law. Because trump still faces 16 known criminal probes. And, i will applause big criminal probe fans here tonight. And ill tell you all about one in our soontobe longrunning series 16 scandals stephen now some out there thank you. Somewhere cheers and applause 16 scandals somewhere, Richard Nixon is going, i am a crook, but at least there was only one watergate. How does trump find the time . Now back to enjoying heaven, where i definitely am. laughter maybe. Maybe hes in heaven. Maybe nixons in heaven, somebodys little boy. Tonights scandal theres federal and state investigations into the large number of undocumented immigrants apparently illegally employed at trump properties. What a hypocrite undocumented immigrants are trumps sworn enemies. This is like finding out that f. D. R. Had hitler mowing his lawn. You see, allegedly, trump knowingly hired these workers to exploit their nonlegal status. These employees were told to clock out and perform hours of additional work, like vacuuming carpets, polishing silverware, and helping get the restaurant ready for breakfast the next day, all off the clock, without being paid. booing now, look i agree. That sounds really bad. But it is president ial. Remember, a lot of the Founding Fathers had immigrants working for them without being paid. Its all in that movie 12 years off the clock. laughter and, as with any stories where people have actually met donald trump, there are bizarre details about the man, including this one where one of the underpaid workers knew to pour trumps diet coke from particular miniature glass bottles into a plastic cup, never letting trump see anyone touch the straw. as trump yes, no one can touch my straw. I hate germs. Thats why before i have sex, i always purell my porn star. laughter but unless purell is her name. I forget. laughter but lets get away for a moment from our political crisis to focus instead on the cheery news of our Public Health crisis. You see, the c. D. C. Reports that more than 700 people have been infected by measles this year, marking a 25year high for the infectious disease. Because people arent vaccinating against it what is wrong with you . As the son of an immunologist, this might be the scariest news i have ever heard. applause jon why would you not get vaccinated . Stephen i i people have decided theyre not sure if they want to be immune from disease. Your ancestors are saying i would trade places with you, but i died of measles laughter now, the roots of the antivax nonsense might be a little more complex and nefarious than youd think, because it turns out russian trolls promoted anti vaccination propaganda that may have caused the measles outbreak. Are you telling me that russian trolls helped promote a devastating disease that could weaken our nation. And now measles . laughter even cheers and applause you got to work that. You got to work that. You got to make it work. Jon i like that. Stephen even more alarming, these trolls were tweeting about both sides of the vaccine debate and getting into an argument with themselves. Because russia doesnt care if were vaccinated or not. According to this report, it is after a far bigger prize the exacerbation of americans distrust of one another and, in turn, the erosion of their confidence in society. Russia, you dont have to erode our confidence in society. Twitter does that all on its own. Just let it ride. We came up with the tide pod challenge all by ourselves. laughter now, outbreaks measles outbreaks have now hit 22 states, meaning you might not be safe anywhere. For instance, a california woman is suspected of exposing measles to a theater showing avengers endgame. This incident has inspired marvel to create a new superhero doctor willing to go the doctor. Measles is also showing up on the high seas, because a scientology cruise ship was quarantined in st. Lucia after a measles diagnosis. How does a scientologist not get vaccinated . Science is right in the name. laughter and most shocking of all, the boat is named freewinds. Youre scientologists. The name is obviously tom, cruise ship. laughter but cheers and applause but antivaxxers are fighting back with the proven science of an old episode of the brady bunch. This is true. They are circulating a meme taken from noted immunologist, marcia brady. If you have to get sick, sure cant beat the measles teantivax cla this epismeasles was a mmon ilt was no big deal. Yes, apparently mike and carol brady were antivaxxers. It explains the opening credits of their last episode. Thats the way we became the brady bunch jon wow stephen marcia, marcia, marcia now, we talk a lot about donald trump on this show, but every so often its nice to focus on someone who is actually qualified to be president oprah winfrey. Oprah cheers and applause i like that. I like that. Thats a nice pose. Oprah did an interview with the the Hollywood Reporter recently, and the biggest news from the interview was why she left 60 minutes. Apparently, she was getting performance notes that she never expected to get, saying, its never a good thing when i have to practice saying my name and have to be told that i have too much emotion in my name. I think i did seven takes on just my name because it was too emotional. what . 60 minutes critiqued oprah for speaking with too much emotion . That is her thing. Thats why her catchphrase isnt there is a car for you. There is a car for you. And so forth and so on. There are cars for everyone. laughter well, i just want to say, as a dedicated cbs employee who supports the wisdom of my Corporate Overlords without question, please let me say, what have you idiots done . We had oprah you let her slip through our fingers you madmen you maniacs cheers and applause this is mass madness dont you realize you cant let oprah go . We already have gayle king put steadman on young sheldon, and we had the full set laughter so, to oprah winfrey, on behalf of my network, i just want to say, im Stephen Colbert, and this is an apology. Ticktockticktockticktock ticktockticktock. Tonight. Er Craig Ferguson is here but when i come back, ill tell you how to live like a celebrity. It just takes money. Well be right back. Went to ancestry, i put in the names of my grandparents first. It gave me a leaf almost right away. Within a few days, i went from knowing almost nothing to holy crow, im related to george washington. I didnt know that using ancestry would be so easy. Wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. This is his family, the world hes built, for 72 years. This is hals heart. Its been torn. Broken. And put back together. This is also hals heart. This is the cardiologist his brother recommended. And this is hals relief, knowing hes covered. This is hal. His heart and memory keeper, and its beating better than ever. This is what medicare from Blue Cross Blue Shield does for hal. And with easy access to quality healthcare, imagine what we can do for you. This is medicare that cares back. This is the benefit of blue. Steady the elbow. Shoot me one . Ahh boom shaka laka. Feisty. Ahh [[airpod case clicking open]g] hey siri, play me something new. Music playing it was just past one when two three men from four five step to me door like oh my gosh just throw that cash in a black bag run around the back and pull up the track, cause yaow i just learnt some jazz today, its true you gon learn you gon learn you gon learn, hey band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody there you go happy friday, jon. Well, folks, everyone knows, im a huge fan of celebrity lifestyle brands. Theyre like if my celebrity interviews and my commercials made a baby, which is why laughter i would i would watch that. That would be the ratings would be amazing, by the way. laughter which is why i, like everyone else, am asking the question is poosh the new goop . laughter also, are noises the new words . Is flurp the new clurb . Dont know what im talking about . Well, wake up, grandpa because theres a new celebrity lifestyle player on the scene and its kourtney kardashian. She caused a real stir last month when she launched her site by posting this picture. I just want to point out that is a very dangerous way to drink tea. laughter and poosh up here is the name of her brand also the part of her that was getting really chilly on that marble counter down here. Now chilly on the poosh. Now you dont want any hot tea on the old poosh, my friend. laughter on the site, kourtney explains that poosh is the nickname of her sixyearold daughter, penelope. And she is the epitome of the poosh girl plays by her own rules, colors outside the lines, and celebrates life with an infectious confidence and ease. And she launched her brand because, i felt there was something missing in the Healthy Lifestyle space. Something like the money wasnt ending up in her bank account. laughter and the site has some good beauty tips. In a post called, how to look good naked again, whole things named after her six yearold daughter pooshs advice was to invest in some candles. That is an empowering message you are perfect, you are beautiful, and you should feel good about your body, when it is viewed in a very low, flickering light. Hey, this century this century maybe youre a six. Youre a medieval nine. laughter but, if youd prefer to spend your way to wellness, poosh has some quality products. For example, to spruce up your bathroom, poosh suggests a 1,390 garbage can. Its perfect for when you need to throw away 1,390. laughter or or cheers and applause or, if you need a timeless hostess gift, poosh suggests these amethyst dice for just 195. Its the perfect way to say you play monopoly like a poor person. laughter but its not just products, no. Poosh also has home decor tips, like cool books for your coffee table that are a great conversation starter. Theyll spark Great Questions like, ooh, have you read this . And great answers like, no. laughter and and theyve also got recipe recommendations, like kourts signature salad, whichce mozzarella. I mean, i guess thats a salad . The same way my whiskey and coke is. A salad. laughter but if there is one thing i know about the celebrity lifestyle e Commerce Market space, its that you blindly copy gwyneth paltrow. And when youve already done that you blindly copy the person blindly copying gwyneth paltrow. So thats why im excited to announce that my own celebrity lifestyle brand, covetton house, is introducing a new website called covettoosh. laughter it is named it is named after my sixyearold self, because he was the epitome of a covettoosh boy freespirited, adventurous, and constantly shopping to fill a hole that can never be filled. laughter look how happy i was. What a happy child i was. laughter here at covettoosh, were pleased to offer an array of advice and products suitable for your purchasing needs, such as the perfect host gift old dice that we stole from a childs monopoly set. laughter 299. And if youre hungry, theres stephens signature salad an avocado on a plate. Unless youre on a platefree diet, in which case, just suck it out of the skin. laughter well also give advice on how best to show off your bare cheers and applause im not sure if that mockup improved or degraded my body. Our tip . If youre going to be naked, use industrial floodlights. laughter if you point them outward in front of you and turn them on quick, you can blind whoever is looking at you. Nudity solved. You go, girl well be right back with mr. Craig ferguson this is the couple who wanted to get away who used expedia to book the Vacation Rental which led to the discovery that sometimes a little down time can lift you right up. Expedia. Everything you need to go. Expedia. Im on the pill. Im on the pill. Im on the pill, too. But its not birth control. Its truvada for prep®, a oncedaily prescription medicine for adults that, when taken every day along with using safer sex practices, can help lower my chances of getting hiv through sex. I use condoms. But i talked to my doctor about doing more. He said that because i had a higher chance of getting hiv through sex, truvada for prep could be an option for me. She also told me that truvada alone may not keep me from getting hiv. And it does not prevent other stis or pregnancy. You must be hivnegative to take truvada for prep. So you need to get tested for hiv immediately before, and at least every 3 months while taking, truvada. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. They may do more tests to confirm you are still hivnegative. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, kidney failure, and bone problems, which may lead to fractures. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Tell your doctor about all the medicines you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding. Or if you have kidney, bone, or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking truvada without talking to your doctor. Common side effects include stomach pain, headache, and weight loss. Ask your doctor about your risk of getting hiv and if truvada for prep may be right for you. I wanted to do more. Thats why im on that pill. Truvada for prep. Eligible patients may pay as little as a zero dollar copay. Find out more at truvada. Com. We also live with okat ts internet security. Do you know the mothers maiden name . At t theres an army of weirdos outside. Theyre just trying to get on your network. Why didnt you alert us . Alerts arent really my thing. What is your thing . Ok, i am sensing a little hostility from you, janet. So im going to be the grownup here and excuse myself. Stop living with at t. Switch to xfinity for realtime security alerts for all your connected devices. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to our show, already in progress. Folks, my first guest tonight is an emmy and Peabody Award Winning comedian who has just written a new memoir. Please welcome back to the late show Craig Ferguson cheers and applause hey, man do you like this, by the way, the untucked shirt . Stephen let me see. Is it one of those untucked shirt . No, its just a regular shirt. But im going crazy laughter its not even an untucked shirt youre meant to tuck it, im like, bleep you guys laughter stephen you see, i dont want to give in to the untucking thing, because then my belly wins. Yeah. Stephen but if i stay tucked in, theres a certain amount of shame that will keep me from letting it all go. At a certain point in life all men have to either go, pantswise, texas or florida. Let me explain. Texas how you doin . Florida hey, how you doin . Stephen wow. cheers and applause texas or florida. Stephen under the navel or over the navel. Under or over, texas or florida. Stephen no pants at all. No pants at all. You can do that, but thats more alabama. laughter i dont know why i said that. And now everybody in alabama is like, how dare you . I say, how dare you . Because they talk like foghorn leghorn in alabama. Im just tellin you. Stephen now 2020, weve got 20, 21 candidates on the democratic side. How will you differentiate or how can we differentiate among all these people because its a bit of a glut . I have a suggestion. Theres a lot of candidates. The difficulty is motivating americans to vote, right . So why not stephen traditionally low turnout. Right, so to motivate americans, wha