laughter announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight stephen welcomes mindy kaling and seth green, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen oh hey cheers and applause hey good to see ya whats going on . cheers and applause happy thursday, everybody audience chanting Stephen Stephen whoo got to get the people on the straight and narrow here, back on the path. cheers and applause thanks, everybody please cheers and applause nice. Thats nice. Hello, all. Hello, all. Please have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. Welcome one and all to the late show, im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff today is a solemn day. Its the anniversary of dday, when we beat the nazis, once and laughter pretty good run, you have to say, 75 years. President trump was in normandy to commemorate the occasion. He gave a speech that was by all accounts and i hope im saying this right president ial . laughter havent seen that word in a while. That came to a screeching halt once he wasnt reading someone elses words. For instance, trump sat down with french president , and man saying french accent here is the church, here is the steeple emmanuel macron. laughter trump told macron about the significance of the dday landing beaches. It is a very special place. It is an amazing place. And its somewhere, when you think of those places of great importance, this is certainly one of the top in the eyes of some, it is the its the top. Stephen as trump in terms of the top places of amazing importance, its really amazing how top important it is. the top, some say, when you think of places, and tops, and certainly one of the few beaches in france where people wear tops. laughter am i correct . Tell me if im correct. piano riff trump had more praise for his host country, and the palace they were meeting in. Id love you to tell some of the folks in the media, like you did me, how it started with napoleon. Its a very interesting place that were in. And, as you know, france has many interesting places. Stephen as trump yes, not everyone knows that, jon. France has so many interesting places. Theres the hunchback church, theres penis tower, that place where the naked ladies dance, the workers down in the croissant mines, the toast museum, and the academy of tonguekissing. Trump explained how he met a new type of person on his trip who taught him things on his travels. They called them the guides. And they were guiding us. They were telling us what happened and when. laughter stephen yes, they call them the guides. I, too, have met the guides. They led us to the bus, and said unto us look to your right, for it is the arc de triomphe. And lo, they bequeathed unto us the boxed lunch. laughter trump was also asked about in 2004, george w. Bush said, here in normandy, we would do it again for our friends, would you say that too . It is very sad but i would absolutely be right there. I would be right there. Stephen as trump absolutely. Id be right there. Especially now that those world war ii soldiers are so old and easy to fight. Bingbangboom, nightynight, grandpa, beach saved thats what the guide told me. laughter now, the president is facing his own battles back home. Yesterday, House Democratic leaders met in private to talk about impeachment. And things got heated between speaker of the house nancy pelosi and house judiciary chairman and proud father of two wonderful chairs, jerry nadler. laughter congressman nadler wants to launch an impeachment inquiry against trump, but pelosi turned him down, responding, i dont want to see him impeached, i want to see him in prison. cheers and applause piano riff okay, but why do we have to choose . laughter and democrats arent trumps only problem. Last week, trump threatened that if mexico did not stop Central American migrants from crossing into the united states, he would put a 5 tariff on everything we import from them starting this coming monday. Everyone will feel these tariffs. Our top four agricultural imports from mexico are beer, avocados, tomatoes, and tequila. Trumps putting a tariff on summer laughter so, heres the thing, if you like avocados, i suggest stocking up and then eating them all this weekend because theyre going to go bad. laughter theyre not ripe theyre hard, theyre hard, theyre hard, theyre mush. Theyre gone. This is such a bad idea that even Congressional Republicans are flirting with rebellion. Oooh, oh, oh really . Flirting, flirting flirting with rebellion. That could lead to a dalliance with integrity, making eyes at governance, and then at the christmas party, a drunken hookup with defending the constitution. cheers and applause piano riff they are 100 . Jon yeah, incredible. Stephen i know for a fact you are not applauding the constitution. You are applauding drunken hookups right now. cheering this week, the g. O. P. Caucus met with white house officials to learn what trumps plan was. And howd that go . One republican aide after this meeting was over with, they described this as a clusterf. I wont complete the word there. Stephen oh, oh can i guess . laughter cluster cluster cluster f is it cluster farm . Is it cluster friends . Its cluster bleep , isnt it . Its cluster bleep . cheers and applause why do you have to . Why the potty mouth . Now, there have been rumors that republicans are so upset about these tariffs that they might do anything. Those rumors were shoved into a shallow grave by Senate Majority leader and man who just read an article about his bodys hidden Pleasure Centers laughter mitch mcconnell, who said most of us hope that this mexican delegation thats come up here and discussed the challenges at the border and what the mexicans might be able to do to help us more than they have will be fruitful and that these tariffs will not kick in. Yes, hes hoping that theyll get trump to not put the tariffs on. In other words, mcconnell wants the mexicans to do the jobs american politicians wont do. And the mexicans heres the deal, the mexicans went to the white house and no. Back in europe, trump took time out of his day of solemn remembrance to fire back at his congressional critics. A lot of people, senators included, they have no idea what theyre talking about when it comes to tariffs. They have no absolutely no idea. When you have the money, when you have the product, when you have the thing that everybody wants, youre in a position to do very well with tariffs. Stephen yes, unlike those stupid senators, trump understands complex economic principles like money, and product, and thing. laughter then trump unveiled a new nickname for nancy pelosi. I call her nervous nancy. Something about me having control of our Nuclear Arsenal makes her skittish laughter Speaker Pelosi was also in normandy to honor dday. And when she was asked to respond to trump, she was zero percent nervous. I dont talk about the president while im out of the country. Thats my principle. Stephen as pelosi but as soon as im flying over international waters, you give me an airplane chardonnay, and the claws will come out. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Mindy kaling is here. But when we return, meanwhile cheers and applause band playing ok who. Is wearing old navy . All of us. His stripes, her dots, my spots, its all old navy honey. Really . We cool . Yea. Were cool. Styles at two, four, six and eight bucks all kids and baby on sale up to sixty percent off. Now at old navy. What just happened . We switched from ford. I switched from ram. I switched to chevy. We switched to chevy. We switched to chevy. For dependability. For these guys. And just look at it. We switched to chevy. See for yourself why people are switching at the chevy allstar open house. Get 20 below msrp on all 2019 silverado double cab pickups thats over 9,750 on this silverado. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. A lot of folks ask me why their dishwasher doesnt get everything clean. I tell them, it may be your detergent. Thats why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. Its speciallydesigned with the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. Cascade platinums unique actionpacs dissolve quickly. To remove stuckon food. For sparklingclean dishes, the dishes ime. Chse the detergente cascade platinum. The number one recommended brand in north america. Ive always been amazed and still going for my best, even though i live with a higher risk of stroke due to afib not caused by a heart valve problem. So if theres a better treatment than warfarin. I want that too. Eliquis. Eliquis is proven to reduce stroke risk better than warfarin. Plus has significantly less than warfarin. Eliquis is fdaapproved and has both. Whats next . Reeling in a nice one. Dont stop taking eliquis unless your doctor tells you to, as stopping increases your risk of having a stroke. Eliquis can cause serious and in rare cases fatal bleeding. Dont take eliquis if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. While taking eliquis, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer than usual for any bleeding to stop. Seek immediate medical care for sudden sign of bleeding, like unusual bruising. Eliquis may increase your bleeding risk if you take certain medicines. Tell your doctor about all planned medical or dental procedures. Eliquis, the number one cardiologistprescribed blood thinner. Ask your doctor if eliquis is whats next for you. No i, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you i cant feel the heat alright, so this is how you are going to say. Youll get the best deal of the year on xfinity tv and internet. And you even get this. Mike, youre on balloons. Sarah, youre gonna high five everybody. Ben, youre gonna be wowing them with your dance moves. Dont miss the xfinity best deal of the year. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Get amazing tv and internet during our best deal of the year. With huge savings of 600 over 2 years. Plus a speed upgrade to 400 megs, free for 2 years. And ask about even more savings with xfinity mobile. Click, call or visit a store today. cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause jon, you know, tonight, im very excited cheers and applause this evening we have our dear friend mindy kaling will be out here in just a moment. Jon mindy kaling is here. Stephen so funny. A lovely person to boot and she has the new movie late night. We have something to talk about. Folks, as were saying before, today is the 75th anniversary of dday. I was looking at all the footage in normandy. I went over there a few years ago because my mothers brother, my uncle Andrew Edward tuck was a lieutenant in world war ii and dropped in a few days before d day to cut communications lines. He fought in many places, went to the eagles nest, and did not survive the war, sadly, but we have all his letters that he sent back to his mom and his dad and sisters, my mom being one of them, and i would like to read you one of his letters right now in commemoration of all the people who sacrificed in world war ii that we might be free. And this is the last letter he sent before dday. There are a lot more letters from the rest of the war. He was stationed in england, getting ready to go. They didnt know where or when, and this is from may 10, 1944. Mom dearest, do you want to go on a dream with me . I am tugging myself back to reality. Its quite a job. A little jingle keeps running through my head. Here i am on a hillside, master each bin myew that is master mind, each green hill bows gracefully into a valley, each valley smiles back up to me, its face wrinkled with roads, gardens and clustered houses, a portrait of an old man this, with a smoke of a village curling lazily over him. What a story he could tell a foreign friend and foreign foe, from back before a single plow had violated virgin soil till now when all his coat is quilted like a rag doll. From halfclad men in caves to the dwellers of the neeson hut of that and is no more. Of that that was and always shall be, land unharnessed and land worked, the rights of man and war, the law of god and peace. Patient, old man, let me take one of your hills that one, tethered into a huge bouquet by its twisting, turning hedgerows. Let me offer it to god in thanksgiving for that that was and always shall be. This is england in the spring of 44, and warriors gaze eastward, as warriors have before. applause best of love to all my wonderful family, eddie. The next letter, hes already in france. I didnt know him. But i love him. applause you know, folks, each night over there in the monologue, i stand on that stage serving you a beautiful layer cake of all the big stories. But, occasionally, i like to sweep up all the sugary crumbs, pack em together tightly into a ball, dip em in frosting andkey segment meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile, this week, off the coast of south carolina, two recreational deepsea fishermen pulled in a package wrapped in black plastic floating in the water that turned out to be about 30 to 50 kilos of cocaine with a street value of 1 million. Exciting for the fishermen, not so great for the person who misplaced a Million Dollars of cocaine. Honey . Have you seen that big sack . It was on the back of the speedboat next to my sunglasses . Anywho, hey, lets change our names and move to canada. Dont answer that phone laughter now on a personal note, this floating pile of drug trash was found in the ocean 70 miles southeast of charleston. I was just fishing out there last week i saw this story and said i bet you anything there were a bunch of mahimahi mobbing that cocaine brick. They love anything that casts shade. Sure enough, the fishermen said they found the cocaine because they spotted a school of mahi mahi jumping around it. laughter and every one of those fish was amped about a cool screenplay idea. Okay, heres the deal, its like the godfather, but with fish and luca brasi sleeps with the people laughter lets dance lets dance laughter meanwhile so i have been told. Meanwhile, this week, after a Water Treatment messup, the tap water in cole grove ohio turned bright pink. Okay, these baby gender reveals are getting out of hand. laughter its a girl and the whole town is dead the pink color was caused by the release of a large quantity of sodium permanganate, a purifying agent Officials Say is safe for drinking, but could be damaging to clothes. laughter that looks like liquefied peppa pig is fine for your insides, but for gods sake, dont let it touch your pants laughter meanwhile, remember the disastrous Fyre Festival . Well, one of the festivals co founders, rapper ja rule still thinks the Fyre Festival was a good idea. The Fyre Festival was an amazing idea. The idea of it was dope, the marketing was dope everything was done very right on that. It just, it wasnt we. The execution was bad . The execution was extremely bad, man. Stephen thats kinda the whole point, mr. Rule. The hindenburg was an amazing idea the idea was dope. The marketing was dope. Its just the fire and the screaming and not dope. Jon yeah. Stephen who was in charge of the execution should be executed. laughter meanwhile, in iceland a Swimming Pool has banned men from using hairdryers on their nether regions, and they even produced this poster showing what elderly men should not do. I am here to say that level of detail is not necessary laughter and if you must use the dryer down there, dont make eye contact with us while you do it laughter cheers and applause piano riff oh, did you wanna use this blow dryer . laughter ill be done in. As long as you want this to take. But fear not, old men of iceland, there is a solution from now on, just drop your boys into the old dyson air blade. laughter clearly designed for it. Well be right back with mindy kaling. cheers and applause band playing new magnum ice cream. Double sea salt caramel. Carefully made to be broken. Magnum ice cream. You know that look . That life of the party look. Walk it off look. One more mile look. Reply all look. Own your look with fewer lines. Theres only one botox® cosmetic. Its the only one fda approved to temporarily make frown lines, crows feet and forehead lines look better. The effects of botox® cosmetic may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness may be a sign of a lifethreatening condition. Do not receive botox® cosmetic if you have a skin infection. Side effects may include allergic reactions, injection site pain, headache, eyebrow, eyelid drooping and eyelid swelling. Tell your doctor about your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. So, give that just saw a puppy look and whatever that look is. Look like you with fewer lines. Own your look with the one and only botox® cosmetic. Well take great care of him we get it you got it oh thank you ank you were hugging were going all in thion strawberries. Ra, at their reddest, ripest, they make everything better. Like our strawberry poppyseed salad and new strawberry summer caprese salad. Order online for delivery. Panera. Food as it should be its on. Get to the ross shoe event for even more brands at 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices. Yes yep oh, yeah seriously, save on fall styles for women, men, boys and girls. At the ross shoe event. On now. You. And mom also gets aoss shoppibacktoschool bag . Thats yes for less. Ross has the brands you want for back to school. And it feels even better when you find them for less. At ross. Yes for less. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back hey welcome back to the show, everybody cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a writer and actor who has starred in the mindy project, a wrinkle in time, and oceans 8. Her new film is late night. So you went to our parents Parent Company in order to make this interview . Yep. And you have no experience in comedy . No, im obsessed with comedy. No, ive seen every episode of the show, written a book about it. Do late standup. Where . If you have a problem, ask the chemist, shell always have the solution. Which kills with people who know about chemistry. Stephen please welcome back to the late show, mindy kaling cheers and applause cheers and applause thank you very nice job i like that great to see you cheers and applause great crowd today. Stephen fantastic. I did not get that kind of entrance. You get that kind of entrance. Not just that they applauded