War would be easy to win . None of this adds up. Fine lets throw our support behind the abominable bernie. Health care, in my view, is a human right. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, holly dow plus, stephen welcomes curtis 50 cent jackson. Jillian bell. And musical guest tori kelly. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey thank you thank you, my friends. Thank you, my friends and you are my friends. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. What time is it now. If you havent seen the news, a bit of a rough day on wall street. The Dow Jones Industrial average fell over 800 points. My condolences to the entire jones family. laughter our economy will be missed. Its been a tumultuous week. On monday, the dow lost 391 points, then gained 382 on tuesday, only to plunge again today. When reached for comment, the market said this i get knocked down but i get up again stephen experts advise that worried investors drink a whiskey drink, then a vodka drink, then a lager drink, then a cider drink. So why the sudden panic . Appantly, the bond market, for the first time in over a decade, flashewa that has an eerily accurate track record for predicting recessions. Thats right. Were facing an inverted yield curve do you have any idea what that means . If so, please tell me. laughter because ive been watching tv all day, and im still not getting it. They keep showing these graphs, and they are not pretty, folks. applause do something about, that chris. Now, one thing that is definitely not helping the World Economy is trumps trade war with china. But we may be getting some relief, because yesterday, the white house announced that the president s latest tariffs on china will be delayed until december 15, effectively ensuring retailers can import goods for the holidays before the tariffs take effect. as trump im saving christmas all you other holidays, youre on your own. Looking at you, chanuhkuh. laughter . Jon oh, wow stephen its odd that trump would back down to protect american consumers, because hes been clear about one thing all along the tariffs are not being paid for by our people. Its being paid for by china. You are not paying for those tariffs. China is paying for those tariffs. Our people are not paying for it. Theyre paying for it. Our people are not paying for it. China is paying for it, not our people. Stephen sounds good. Never paid for it in my life. But then, yesterday, while explaining his reasons for the delay, trump said, yeah, we kind of do. Were doing this for christmas season, just in case some of the tariffs would have an impact on u. S. Customers, which, so far, theyve had virtually none. Just in case they might have an impact on people, what weve done is weve delayed it so they wont be relevant to the Christmas Shopping season. Stephen as trump so, again, they dont hurt Christmas Shopping, but im delaying them so they wont hurt Christmas Shopping. And i already know what im getting you this christmas. Im getting you this big, fat lie im telling you right now. And ioon its the same thing applause i know its the same thing i got you last year, but i buy them in bulk from china. laughter the items spared until christmas include ice hockey gloves, human hair fashioned into wigs or false beards, and prepared or preserved frog meat. You know, stocking stuffers. I still remember those Magical Christmas mornings, running downstairs and seeing mom wearing her ice hockey gloves and here fake beard, ladling out the frog nog. One product that has been dropped from trumps tariff list permanently is bibles. Wait a second hold the wha our bibles come from china . No wonder jesus is always talking about sharing everything you have with the poor. Theyre selling us commie jesus. laughter applause ive had it ive had it we dont need no commie jesus lucky american jesus wants me to win the lotto. Whiptsers numbers into my ears when im driving. Thats yet kids have to keep quiet. But the race to replace trump keeps heating up, and ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkey style. Nevertheless, she persisted. Stephen first up on the d style is former colorado governor john hickenlooper, seen hickenlooper has struggled to gain traction and is considering ending his president ial bid and entering the race for colorados republicanheld senate seat. Bravo bravo good for you i like that. Finally, a man willing to put aside his ego and do what is good for the country. That guy should run for president. And the numbers back him up. On sunday, the denver post published a poll saying hickenlooper would lead other democrats in the Colorado Senate race by 51 percentage points, which shocked hickenlooper. He did not know poll numbers could have two digits. laughter and hes put a lot of thought into this. And hes taking the idea of dropping out seriously. In fact, last weekend, hickenlooper hopped into senator Michael Bennets car to discuss his impending decision. Bennet listened to hickenlooper carefulfully, then thoughtfully replied, who are you . But other Democratic Candidates applause thank you. Other Democratic Candidates are still going strong, like south bend mayor and photo on the inside flap bend mayor and photo on the inside flap of a selfpublished poetry book, mayor pete buttigieg. Mayor pete was at the iowa state fair yesterday, and he showed that hes willing to put his body on the line to be president. Here he is diving into some fried oreos. You want some . I mean, im not going to eat all six. Stephen well, then youre not going to be president , pete im not going to eat all six. Oh, someones too good for cardiac arrest. Dont you know gorging yourself in public is how american knows youre the right choice. Chester a. Arthur got the job by winning a pieeating contest. They didnt even bother holding an election they just hosed him off and inaugurated him. But, of course, it wasnt all fried fun and games, because mayor petes day took a bit of a darker turn when he talked to this veteran iowa fairgoer. I shook Robert Kennedys hand. All right, so youre good luck . No it was a month before he got shot laughter applause stephen as old woman i shake every candidates hand to see if it was just me that ancient fortune teller said all i touch would wither to dust. You are doomed you going to finish those fried oreos . laughter theres also news about vermont senator and sentient dryer lint, bernie sanders. laughter for years, the bern has been critical of corporate america, especially amazon c. E. O. And supercool penis, jeff bezos. laughter applause . Jon whoa stephen hey, ladies. Look, but dont touch. At a recent event in new hampshire, bernie went after bezos again. You know, if you look at the Washington Post which is owned by the wealthiest guy in this country, a guy named jeff bezos amazon made 10 billion in profit last year. You know how much they paid in taxes . You got it zero any wonder why the Washington Post is not one of my great supporters . I wonder why. Stephen wait. Hes stealing trumps thing. as bernie yes, the jeff bezos the Washington Post is and i think i am coining this phrase fake news sad its a witch hunt a witch. Hunt god bless the united stush. Now, bernie went on applause bernie went on to explain why hes worried about Corporate Media, saying large corporations own the media in america, by and large, and i think there is a framework, about how the Corporate Media focuses on politics. Okay, bernie, thats ridiculous. I, Stephen Colbert, work for a major Corporate Media. But im free from corporate influence and can say whatever i want. Which reminds me all hail the glorious merger of viacom and cbs cheers and applause may it forever bolster our premium content portfolio and position us to span all content categories and demographics, creating eternal value for shareholders viacomcbs stronger together weve got a great show for you tonight. Curtis 50 cent jackson is here. But when we return, i send one of my writers to iowa stick around. Steady the elbow. Shoot me one . Ahh boom shaka laka. Feisty. Ahh yof your daily routine. Lf so why treat your mouth any differently . Listerine® completes the job by preventing plaque, early gum disease, and killing up to 99. 9 of germs. Try listerine® and for onthego, try listerine® ready tabs™ youre too young to watch iyour movie good boys. Ws. You kidding . I know its fudged up. Stop treating us like kids. We know how things work. This is a pretty cpr doll. I love a good story with a bunch of gibberish just as much as anybody. [ screaming ] early audiences love good boys. Your parents have an indoor swing . [ no ordinary love by sade ] what are you doing . Thats not what you think it is. Rated r. This is jamie. Youre going to be seeing a lot more of him now. Im not calling him dad. Oh, nno. Look, [sighs] i get it. Some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle and save with progressive, but hey, were all in this together. Right, champ . Im getting more nuggets. How about some carrots . You dont want to ruin your dinner. Youre not my dad thats fair. Overstepped. Thats fair. whispers how about one that boots up fast . Its switching time. Hows that for fast . Switch to booting up as fast as six seconds switch to chromebook cheers and applause stephen hey, jon batiste and stay human, everybody thats the band right there. Im not the band. Thats the band right there. You know who is coming up, jon, is our friend halfdollar jackson. Curtis 50 cent jackson. Jon 50 cent. Yeah. Stephen always fun always fun to talk with him. Always gives me good advice. Jon oh, yeah, hes great. Stephen folks, as i said little earlier, all the candidates are in iowa. In fact, this week, 22 different Democratic Candidates made stops at the iowa state fair, giving voters a chance to watch them deliver stump speeches, flip pork chops, and finally find out if anyone can tell the difference between john delaney corn dog. Nobody, i dont see it. I dont see it. There are so many candidates in the race, that i dont think people know who they all are. In fact, last week, we had our writer brian stack walk around new york pretending to be a madeup president ial candidate named Gregory Whytman. And a lot of people bought it. Excited to meet him. So we wanted to know if our fake candidate could appeal to the good people of iowa. Jim . Before Gregory Whytman campaigned at the iowa state fair, he needed advice from a professional. So he met with reallife president ial candidate and governor of the great state of montana, Steve Bullock, at a popular Iowa Campaign stop. Hey. Great meeting you. Stephen bullock was the perfect candidate for gregory to talk to, since he and whyten tman had similar poll numbers. He. Some advice i would be yourself. Be myself. Be yourself. Thats tough because i dont like myself. Hi there. Believe it or not, one of us is governor Steve Bullock running for president. Can you guess which one . Is it you . Im Steve Bullock, the governor of montana. Nice to meet you. Whats your name. Stew scott. Im Gregory Whytman. Im also running for president. Can i ask you real quick which of the two of us you were most impressed with in the last debate . What a great question. I think it was a tie. Thats very kind of you. Stephen it was time to hit the state fair and give iowa voters whyten tmans Campaign Message whatever that is. What is your main reason why i should vote for you, for president . You know, if im really honest, my driving force is to make. Denise dibilbus, who wouldnt go to senior prom with me, regress that decision. Okay, that doesnt make meantime to vote for you. Well, if im president , shes going to regret that decision, dont you think . But that doesnt make meantime to vote for you. Thats, i need more. You dont even know denise. No. Thank you for agreeing to ride this thing with me. Its a tough decision, but have you given any thought who youre going to vote for . Trump. Okay. So did i see you out in the debates and i cant remember. A lot of people didnt really notice me in the debates because i was way over on the side by deblazio. I heard about that kind of a thing. I was way out on the side. They didnt cut to me much. And sometimes i would stick my head in real fast like, hey, good point. We cant let them get away with that. Hey, good point hey, you know, i just wanted to let you know, you know, a lot of candidates are backed by big oil or big tobacco. And im actually backed by big corn. Hi. Yeah, thats actually my brotherinlaw, jeff. He needs the work. Very nice. Hey, i know theres a lot of candidates to choose from, and its kind of hard to get any traction in the polls, so i was thinking, since beto orourke got a little boost and attention from swearing, i was wondering if i could try a little of that out and see if it might boost my poll numbers. Are you ready . All right, all right bleep environment. Okay. Stephen if he really was going to win over fairgoers, whyten tman would have to hit all the wrec requisite stops ofe other candidates. Its appropriate that im flipping pork chops, because if i become president im going to chop pork bareilles spending. Very clever. Wow what a perfect metaphor for my poll numbers stephen on his way to eat a corn dog he bumped into a real president ial candidate. Also, andrew yang. Youre offering 1,000 a month to people. I was wondering if i could maybe get mine now. Would that be possible . I have to win this thing in 2020, and then starting in 2021, the freedom dividends can go to you and every other american. Okay, because i have some veterinary bills. My dog swallowed a golf ball. Secretary castro. Can you tell me what youd like to achieve most if you were president . Well, i mean, the number one thing that we need to do is combat Climate Change because its an existential threat to our country and our world. Wow, okay, im in. Castro 2020. I made a big mistake running. I dont know what i was thinking. Stephen of course, nor candidate can leave the iowa state fair without giving a speech on their famous soapbox stage. So im not going to give up. I want to represent the forgotten americans, folks like jay insly, michael bennet, john delaney, and four or five others. I forgot them, and thats my point. But i ask you to believe in me, Gregory Whytman, a believable choice. And together, with your support, we can build a better future. And, also, hopefully impress my wife. Were going through a bit of a rough patch. Shes out canvassing for elisabeth warren. laughter secretary castro, its an honor to meet you, and thank you for talking to me. And i hope youll have a great president ial campaign. Thank you, sir. Stephen thank you, grigory. Well be right back with curtis 50 cent jackson. No i, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you i cant feel the heat hey, who are you . Oh, hey jeff, im a car thief. 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Folks, my first guest is a grammy award winner, actor, and business tycoon. Pr ofpowe opl welcomek late applause hey stephen good to see you. Ill take another. Ill take another. Welcome back. Oh, im happy to be back. Stephen always fun talking to you. It is. Stephen i always learn a lot. I learned something about you. You had a very busy time since the last time you were here at the beginning of the year. Are you getting your own star on the hollywood walk of fame. applause congratulations. Im excited about that. I didnt expect that. That came out of nowhere. I was like, i get that . Stephen do you know where its going to be or who youre going to be around . I wanted to move it. I wanted to move it to my neighborhood. But im going to have to just keep it wherever it lands, it will be good.