No you are a loser. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, trolling trump. Plus stephen welcomes Kirsten Dunst, adam devine, and lee pace, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen hey whoo thank you welcome one and all in here, out there, to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause you know what . You are such a good audience, lets start off with a fun y. Ory. There is a petition currently circulating here in new york city to rename the stretch of fifth avenue between 56th and 57th streets president barack obama avenue. cheers and applause jon wow, wow whoo yeah stephen i agree jon come on stephen yes, sir, yes, sir jon imniym into that stephen to make the honor complete, whenever a car tries to turn left, it will be blocked by mitch mcconnell. V piano riff laughter applause most importantly, that tiny stretch of 5th avenue is home to trump tower. cheers and applause thats nice thats nice 6z thats lovely this is the difference between trolls on the left and trolls on the right. One harasses chris cuomo at dinner. The other are like, we are submitting a formal request through the proper channels at city council. See you in 14 months, youve been petishd. cheers and applause petishd jon 44. Stephen dont know what that means. But laughter if the petition has already been signed by almost 300,000 people and if its successful, the new address for the trump tower will be 725 president barack obama avenue. co cheers and applause jon oh, my goodness laughter as trump its like i always say, i could shoot someone in the middle of president barack obama avenue and i wouldnt lose any voters. laughter lord, please lord, if you love me at all, make that happen. piano riff laughter while the campaign is very popular, the woman who originated it said, i honestly started it as a joke. laughter careful. A me things that start as a joke end up president. cheers and applause nice start to a slow day. The stock market has been swinging like a tetherball in a typhoon. Its all because of fears of an economic downturn. In fact, former treasurythe a ct around 5050. So you can flip a coin. No wait, save the coin youre going to need it to buy Potable Water in the afterscape. For all i know, two weeks from now, well be doing this show art of a railroad boxcar. Dont touch my bindle, jon i will stab you with this sharpened clamshell jon oh, my goodness laughter stephen thats a preview. Thats a preview. laughter if things do go south, trump knows who to blame, tweeting the Fake News Media is doing everything they can to crash the economy because they think that will be bad for me and my reelection. Yes. This is all a plot by those masters of Economic Strategy newspapers laughter they want a recession, so more people buy the sunday edition to use as a blanket. laughter trumps got about 15 months to keep the economy from collapsinn expect him to use every trick in the book hes never read. laughter hell try every financial maneuver he knows getting axdah getting a shady loan from russia, telling his blackjack dealers to stick on a soft 17, and, if all else fails, selling bottles of dr. Trumps patented antirecession elixir. as trump the delicious mercury makes you forget what money was. Elsewhere on this Big Blue Marble we call earth, the prodemocracy demonstrations in hong kong, and last night trump weighed in, tweeting, i know president xi of china very well. He is a great leader who very much has the respect of his people. He is also a good man in a tough business. I have zero doubt that if president xi wants to quickly and humanely solve the hong kong problem, he can do it. Personal meeting . First of all, quickly and humanely makes it sound like theyre putting the family pet to sleep. Im sorry, kids, hong kong has hip dysplasia. And those tanks are just here to take it to a farm upstate. Second, ending the tweet with personal meeting . Means what . as trump my cousins a caterer in a very tough business and if you want a tuxedo, he can get it very safely and humanely. Wedding . cheers and applause later, in a rare tweet correction, the president clarified correction, the president clarified that he didnt mean that he would be personally involved, tweeting, if president xi would meet directly and personally with the protesters, there would be a happy and enlightened ending to the hong kong problem. I have no doubt as trump yes, autocrats should meet with their angry protestors. Now if youll excuse me, i have to hold a rally where anyone who boos will get carried out in a stretcher. Besides, there are 500,000 prodemocracy protesters. How is that meeting going to work . as xi hi, everybody, im xi, president for life. This is the talking stick. Whoever has the stick, gets to talk. This is the hitting stick. Anyone who talks, gets hit. laughter cheers and applause even more disturbing, in the runup to the g20 summit, trump surprised his aides when he told xi that he would not condemn the Chinese Government over a crackdown in hong kong. as trump and im proud to be the president , and to help my best bud xi, and if he crush protestors, you wont hear squat from me, and id proudly sitc down next to him and ignore the protest cries, cuz there aint no doubt i want a deal for chinesemade trump tiiiies e1 cheers and t maer. Opportunity matter. Jon wow. Wow. That was really good. Stephen thank you, jon. Thank you jon. Jon that was really good. Stephen thank you. Jon wow. cheers and applause e stephen i didnt realize donald trump had such a beautiful singing voice. laughter heres something horrifying iowa representative and master race baiter, steve king. Yesterday, at a conservative event in iowa, king argued in favor of an abortion ban with zero exceptions. And his justification was. Unique. What if we went back through all the family trees and just pulled those people out that were products of rape and incest . Would there be any population of the world left if we did that . Considering all the wars and all the rapes and pillages that has taken place and whatever happened to culture after society. I know i cant certify that im not a part of a product of that audience reacts stephen you know you know uh, shocking, itsshockt listening at steve king, i can buy he was a product of inbreeding. cheers and applause you know. Heres something i might be saying for the lastfa time. Theres news about president ial candidate and phantom of the brew pub, john hickenlooper. Last night, i told you that hickenlooper was considering dropping out of the president ial race. Tonight, im here to tell you that i was right. Take a look at hisc a little over six months ago i announced my run for president. In almost every regard, this journey has been more exciting and more rewarding than i have ever imagined. Although of course i did imagine a very different conclusion. Stephen you did . laughter because this is going about how the rest of us expected. laughter its a shame too, because i never realized his name was so close to chicken cooper. laughter a joke ill never get to use. But now its come to an end, and its time for him to leave. You know what they say, if you love something, it probably wasnt john hickenlooper. laughter so, now, in honor of his departure from the race, we bid fond farewell. I will remember you wait actually, who are you i remember you had a funny name i wantfa to say hoppingscotch. Am i close . I was out of work for two whole years e1 who are you again . Remind me what a night. I loved it. cheers and applause stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Kirsten dunst is here. But when we return, meanwhile cheers and applause band playing applebees handcrafted burgers now starting at 7. 99. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood but one blows them allmany now moisturizers. 99. Out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and try our hydrating makeup. Friends family sale . Take an extra 20 off save on juniors tops. Skechers starting at 35. 99. And bath towels. Plus save even more on your backtoschool purchase plus everyone gets kohls cash plus free amazon returns now at all kohls stores this weekend. At kohls. A lot of folks ask me why their dishwasher doesnt get everything clean. I tell them, it may be your detergent. Thats why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. Its speciallydesigned with the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. Cascade platinums unique actionpacs dissolve quickly. To remove stuckon food. For sparklingclean dishes, the first time. Choose the detergent that lets your dishwasher do the dishes cascade platinum. The number one recommended brand in north america. Milk, fresh cream and only sustainably farmed vanilla. Its made with fresh cream, sugar and milk. Breyers the good vanilla. We proudly partner with American Farmers for grade a milk and cream. Mmm you know when youre at ross and that cute dress gets even cuter . Yes. Or when you can say yes. To both . smiling sure. Or when you find that brand at that price . Are you kidding me . Yeah. Thats yes for less. And thats what ross always has in store. Whoa. sighs yes. Oh, yeah. It feels even better when you find it for less. Get your yes for less at the new stores in west livermore and in union city. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band cheers and applause how you doing, jon . Jon oh, great stephen we have a little break coming up. What are you doing . Jon im going to go upstate new york, relax, get some fresh air and get into nature. Stephen wow, that is beautiful. Jon getting right in the middle of it. Stephen im going up into the middle of alaska. Im going to go way up there and try to see maybe the northern lights, see some stars, do very little else. Jon yeah. Stephen i might read a book. Jon thats great stephen i think ive lost the power to read anything longer than a tweet. laughter jon i imagine so. laughter stephen folks, every night im over there, gathering the finest tamahaganai steel of the news, smelted from iron sands, then hammering and folding it repeatedly into the handforged Samurai Sword of jokes that is my monologue. But once in a while i like to take an old toothbrush, file down the plastic on the sides to a fine point, and wrap the handle in duct tape and rubber bands to make the prison shiv of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile, in litigious language news, the Ohio State University wants to trademark the word the. I know calling it the Ohio State University is an old tradition, but i have a bone to pick with thee because were phhe late show with Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause if o. S. U. Gets this trademark, ill have to become a late show with Stephen Colbert. Or that late show with Stephen Colbert or even worse the Ohio State University late show with Stephen Colbert b jon john lampley. Stephen meanwhile, if youve got 500, good news, olive garden just introduced a never ending lifetime pasta pass. Tod also changed their slogan to when youre here, youre family and this family has a very short life expectancy. 500, i would do it. T every day. Stephen call me, olive garden. cheers and applause meanwhile, little penises and other tiny artifacts were discovered in pompeii. Of course, finding ancient penises is the dream of any archaeologist. Who can forget this famous discovery lp stephen these tiny penises are a huge find. Archeologists uncovered 100 little objects, including buttons made of bone, carved scarab beetles, miniature penises, crystals, tiny skulls and little dolls. Its believed the objects may be part of a sorceresss tool kit, used to ward off death. And apparently, that sorceress sucked. Whatever their purpose, keep digging, archeologists. Remember, taking magic amulets from a burial site never hurt anybody well be right back with Kirsten Dunst. Want to try out my time machine . It runs on doritos. [dog barks] sure. So now what . Gotta put the whole bag in. Okay. Yes its really working, jimmy [humming, thumping] [humming] [thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life get out of my yard ds ji youre so old. [crunch ] its the future [ scoffs ] if you say so. Im sorry . What teach here isnt telling you is that snapshot rewards safe drivers with discounts on car insurance. What . Or maybe he didnt know. [ chuckles ] im done with this class. Youre not even enrolled in this class. I know. Im supposed to be in ceramics. Do you know room 303. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Good luck, everybody. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Dont stop, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you whoa i cant feel the heat cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody t ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest from the virgin suicides, tpiderman, and the beguiled. Please welcome, Kirsten Dunst cheers and applause band playing 6z stephen hello hi stephen hello. nr hello. Stephen we just met briefly backstage for the first time. We did. E stephen so nice to have you here. Im such a fan of yours. Im very excited to be on the show. Stephen waiters were nauseated by food. Not everyone will stand on that. Steve carell did i a skit where we were both waiters who said foods and they got nauseous. Tonight we had a chicken cob sal oooogh so glad when you think of me you think of vomit. laughter first time on the show but not in the ed sullivan theater. I have evidence here. Can you tell me how old you are here . Twelve, 13 . Steph Kirsten Dunst on with dave. Look at that. cheers and applause we used to walk out that way. Stephen i remember you used to go out that way. It was much colder than this. This is a nice temperature. Stephen yeah. The government gotxaay 1y shp c thats right, i remember that. Stephen it was licensed as a meat locker before. laughter were you on to promote this . I might have been or little women, im not sure. Stephen this is the 25t 25th anniversary of interview with a vampire right now. Thitethr is the idth anniversary alongside brad pitt. Did you realize what a big deal they were or what sort ofr cultural little splash this movie made . I did but i was also very. Nnocent. I watched tom and i feel like i watched brad in a river runsnb n through, tom was in far and away, which i loved, so i was more like romantic fans. Stephen sure. They treated me like a little sister. It was very sweet. I was a very innocent 12yearold. I was doing my job and they were very sweet to me. Stephen sure, i imagine so. I wasnt accusing you of ngything. laughter so you think a river runs through when you you think of far and away when you think of tom cruise. I do. Stephen not top gun . Im far and away. I was a young woman. I remember brad in a river runs through it and his name was trystan and i said im going to name my child trystan. Stephen did you have a son . Y e. Stephen name him trysten . Ennis. laughter stephen youre an executive producer of a show with an interesting name, on becoming a god in Central Florida. Thats a heck of a title. You could call it on becoming a god as well. Stephen thats also odd. So what does that mean . What does that mean . What do you think it means . Its, like, the American Dream, like, what you you know stephen but the American Dream is not to become a god, though, is it . E1 money and to rise to power and its about the falsehead of the American Dream and this ponzi scheme in the 90s which is kind of like an amway or an herbal life kind of thing. Stephenit its not. Its not exactly true s. En story. laughter oh, god stephen do you want a lawyer present before you answer these questions . applause i likely feel like i should swear you in before you answer the rest of these. Im so sorry. And who were you in this . I play crystal stubs. Stephen are you the god . I become a well, well see what happens. laughter i slowly become what i hate, basically. Stephen oh, okay. O and i slowly take down the man. Stephen dare i ask who the mis ted lavine the actor and hes ele head of the multilevel marketing scheme. Stephen we have a clip here where you are doing some nort of dance. Can you tell me whats going on . It was actually supposed to be a sexy snake dance and im petrified of snakes so it became a puppet dance. So here we go. Stephen before we go okay. Stephen lets slow it and then well talk about the snakes. Okay. sighs okay the puppets do most of the work, and the dance is simple enough. Its a confidence thing. What did you think . laughter cheers and applause better than a sexy snake dance. Stephen i dont see how the snake could have been sexier. Was the original line the snake does most of the work . laughter god stephen seems like that would work, too. They could have used a fake snake. I asked. Stephen how scared of snakes are we talking here . I mean, listen, if it was in a cage over there, i would be, like, great, its in a cage. I dont want to hold a snake, dance. I told them weeks ahead, i told them im not going to hold a snake and dance, get a fake one, a body double. Our director was, i cant shoot that. So basically a few days before they came up with this puppet dance. Stephen i love it. I do, too. Something sad about it, dancing with puppets. Just makes me feel for crystal, she tries to hard. laughter stephen i understand you started shooting this right after you gave birth to your son, ennis. Ennis, yeah. It was, like, five months. Enis, you got the southern stephen yeah. So four or five months . Yeah. Stephen did he come to set . He visited set. Yeah, he stayed at home mostly because hes at that stage where theyre juay stephen he lifted his neck at four months . Thats a very advanced child. This is your first child . Yes, hes a genius. Stephen isnt it great . Its a miracle every time they do something. Ve its the first time they have been away. Stephen right now . Yes, doing press on this. Stephen oh, im so sorry, lets get it out of here. Im on an early flight. Stephen was it hard to be away from your child to shoot because there were long days and separation anxiety on both sides. I had my motherinlaw and family and friends would visit so i had people around me. It wasnt so bad. It actually was a little bit of a break from cleaning bottles and things leak that. Stephen thats not the worst thing you have to clean. I actual