Tonight a bad idea. Plus stephen welcomes secretary Condoleezza Rice, bill skarsgard, and musical guest banks, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen whoo perfect cheers and applause toasty. Right here its toasty. Thanks, everybody, please please, have a seat. Thank you very much, too kind welcome. Welcome in here, out there, all around the world, all of our viewers at sea, welcome to the late show, im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff the big story tonight, tweet unbeknownst to almost everyone, the Major Taliban leaders and, separately, the president of afghanistan, were going to secretly meet with me at camp david on sunday. Yes, trump invited the taliban to camp david the weekend before 9 11. Thats like theres nothing thats like that. laughter that is what that is only that. Nothing else is like that. Does trump not know what 9 11 is . I was down there, and i watched our police and our firemen down on 711, down at the World Trade Center right after it came down. Stephen 711. Way to use the old slurpee, sir. laughter but trump didnt go through with the secret meeting, explaining that they, the taliban, were responsible for a recent bombing in kabul, tweeting, i immediately cancelled the meeting and called off peace negotiations. What kind of people would kill so many in order to seemingly strengthen their bargaining position . Uh, the taliban . laughter just guessing. Both Vice President mike pence and National Security adviser john bolton thought it was a mistake, but according to people familiar with the talks, trump was taken with the idea of sealing a landmark Peace Agreement in one of the most president ial settings, and wanted to be the dealmaker who would put the final parts together himself, or at least be perceived to be. He wanted the praise for a diplomatic achievement that he didnt achieve. Thats right, hes a shooin for the nobel participation prize. laughter if you had fun, you won everybody gets a hug cheers and applause tonight trump has a rally in North Carolina tonight, and on his way fire up the old frothing machine, he defended his negotiations with the taliban. Ill tell you all about it in tonights episode of chopper talk applause stephen while the rotors churned, reporters asked the president about his cancelled meeting with the taliban. Your administration did your advisors talk you out of that meeting with the taliban . No. Actually, in terms of advisors, i took my own advice. I like the idea of meeting. I met with a lot of bad people and a lot of good people during the course of the last almost three years. Stephen as trump and i cannot tell them apart. laughter good, bad, makes no difference to me. Jon good people on both sides. Stephen who is what, cant tell. applause we gotta come up with some sort of colorcoding system. You know, besides the one that ive used my whole life. piano riff the old slurpee machine. laughter but even if his taliban plan didnt pan out, he still says he wants to bring at least some of our troops home. What is the specific number of troops that remain in afghanistan . What do you want to say now . I would never tell you, i will tell some people but i would never tell you. But we have we have a very specific number. We have a very specific number. Stephen as trump i have a very specific number. In fact, i have it right here. Its the number one. laughter okay . Never tell you. piano riff never tell you. Yesterday, former South Carolina governor mark sanford announced he was going to challenge trump in the republican primary and trump brought up the time sanford covered for his affair by claiming he was hiking on. Some trail. And the third one, mr. Tallahassee trail or appalachian trail, he is the appalachian trail, right . The tallahassee trail is nice too, but i think he was the appalachian trail, but he wasnt on the appalachian trail, he was in argentina. laughter aaahhh laughter stephen heres a shocker there is no tallahassee trail. Doesnt mean you cant google it. When you do, you get this never liked him too much. I wasnt a big fan. The tallahassee trail must be a beautiful place. Vacatiing on the tallahassee trail, but he was actually in argentina. I dont know jim, do they have a tallahassee trail in argentina . I dont think. No. No, right . Stephen no, no, they dont have one. They dont have one in argentina or anywhere. as trump the tallahassee trail totally exists. Its right up there in the Florida Panhandle right next to alabama, which, of course, is still recovering from hurricane dorian. cheers and applause still recovering. Jon that dont make no sense, bro piano riff stephen trumps got an lot of criticism because mike pence and members of the u. S. Military have been staying at Trump Properties in europe. People say that, as commander in chief, trump is selfdealing to his own businesses. But trump responded, but im rich. I own a lot of different places. Soon, you will find that out because i will be at some point prior to the election, im going giving o a Financial Report of me. And it will be extremely complete. Im going to give out im going to give out my financial condition. And you will be extremely shocked at the numbers are many, many times what you think. Stephen as trump and they will be only the best numbers. Were talking five, couple of eights. Will there be a three in there . Got to tune in to find out. One number thats certainly going to be in there is threven, the secret number only rich people get to use. laughter then, trump got everyone pumped up for tonights rally. Were going to be doing a big rally tonight. Totally sold out as always. Every single one, totally sold out. There will be a lot of people outside trying to get in. Stephen as trump theyll all be out there, with their ears against the door, trying to make out tonights hideous, bloodthirsty chant. Spoiler its steal her car, steal her car, and, i want you to know, i do not approve. laughter but while trump might be close to making peace with the taliban, hes taking on americas true enemies john legend and chrissy tiegen. laughter john legend has long been an advocate for criminal Justice Reform, and on sunday he appeared on an msnbc town hall with lester holt to talk about it, broadcast from a prison yard. Apparently, the president tuned in i assume he was hoping to catch a glimpse of some of his former campaign staff. laughter cheers and applause and trump was not happy with what he saw, because he went on an epic tweet rant about the special. Buckle up. laughter when all of the people pushing so hard for criminal Justice Reform were unable to come even close to getting it done, they came to me as a group and asked for my help. But now that it is passed, people that had virtually nothing to do with it are taking the praise. Guys like boring dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot musician john legend, and his filthy mouthed wife, are talking now about how great it is, but i didnt see them around when we needed help getting it passed. Thats enough, sir ive watched you denigrate countless american institutions but i draw the line at john legend and Chrissy Teigen he is an egot egot emmy grammy oscar tony and she is the only reason anybody tunes into lip sync battle. cheers and applause said anchor lesterholtnbc doesnt even bring up the subject of President Trump or the republicans when talking about dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot the importance or passage of criminal Justice Reform. This could be the first time in history a mentallyill person is upset because the tv isnt talking to them. laughter applause trump thinks all of television should be about him at all times. as trump just watched an episode of property brothers. They redid a bathroom, but not a mention of me, even though i use bathrooms all the time im in one right now. Boring drew scott and his filthymouthed twin are total losers john legend shot back on twitter imagine being president of a whole country and spending your sunday night hatewatching msnbc hoping somebody, anybody, will praise you. Melania, please praise this man. He needs you. cheers and applause nicely done. Nicely done, john legend. Im not sure youll find much compassion from a woman who, i remind you, owns a coat that says, i really dont care, do you . You know who else wasnt mentioned on the msnbc special . Legends wife, Chrissy Teigen. But trump went after her anyway, so she returned fire, tweeting, l. O. L. What a pussy ass bitch. cheers and applause she just beat trump at twitter and nicknames. Because the hashtag president pussyassbitch started trending. cheers and applause piano riff so congratulations, mr. President , now people are talking about you. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Condoleezza rice is here. But when we return, another biden blooper stick around. mom vo we fit a lot of life into our subaru forester. dad its good to be back. mom it sure is. mom vo over the years, we trusted it to carry and protect the things that were most important to us. We always knew we had a lot of life ahead of us. mom remember this . mom vo thats why we chose a car that we knew would be there for us through it all. male vo welcome to the allnew 2019 subaru forester. The longestlasting, most trusted forester ever. But we were made to move. So move more live more degreens made to move. Shmp d lobsters ep is back for just 15. 99. Get all the shrimp you want, any way you want em. Like new srirachahoney shrimp, savory grilled teriyaki shrimp, classic shrimp scampi and more red lobsters endless shrimp is 15. 99. Hurry in. But one blows them all out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and for body. Hydro boost body gel cream. So it bounces back. Im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up. Ill pick it up theyre clean cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. [ scoffs ] if you say so. Im sorry . What teach here isnt telling you is that snapshot rewards safe drivers with discounts on car insurance. What . Or maybe he didnt know. [ chuckles ] im done with this class. Youre not even enrolled in this class. I know. Im supposed to be in ceramics. Do you know room 303. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Good luck, everybody. cheers and applause band playing stephen give it up for the band, everybody cheers and applause jon, my friend how are you . Jon im good. How you doing . Stephen tonight, weve got a couple of really interesting guests tonight. Jon yeah, we have. Stephen please have a seat, everybody. We have a couple of interesting guests tonight. Banks is here tonight. cheers and applause our first guest is condoleezza on er sec or secretary oft it and haou jon oh, yeah, it. Stephen it is here tonight. Jon oh, my goodness stephen bill skarsgard, who plays it is here. cheers and applause jon got to be careful. Stephen i know hes not actually the killer clown but im still scared. Im easily unnerved. Jon thats right, i know what you mean. Stephen just a reminder, the next democratic primary debate is thursday, and we will be live from the ed sullivan theater broadcasting after the debate. Sadly, i cant say the same for bill de blasios campaign. laughter piano riff but this is very exciting. We got all the heavy hitters elizabeth warren, bernie sanders, and of course the current frontrunner, joe biden. And you know what that means we can expect plenty of gaffes, like this one from over the weekend. Limited to four years, i believe history will look back on this presidency as an aberrant moment in time. But if donald hump if donald trump is reelected freudian slip. Stephen sir , do you know what a freudian slip is . Its a mistake where you accidentally reveal whats in your subconscious. Are you sure thats what you want to say . as biden i do not like donald hump. I will defeat him in the general erection. laughter speaking of which, theres news from trumps 2020 campaign, thanks to Trump Campaign manager and man whose head looks the same upside down, brad parscale. laughter this weekend, parscale spoke at a convention of California Republicans their official motto where are you . laughter and parscale predicted that the age of trump wouldnt be coming to an end any time soon, saying, the trumps will be a dynasty that will last for decades, propelling the Republican Party into a new party. Their dynasty will last a booing stephen silence you minions their dynasty will last a thousand years, an unbroken line of trumps mating with trumps until their children have gums so large they blot out the sun laughter he gushed on about the next generation of trumplets ithink theyre all amazing people with amazing capabilities. I think you see that from don jr. I think you see that from ivanka. You see it from jared. You see it from all. Everybody but eric. laughter what you see with eric is him shoving gray playdoh into his ears because he quote, wanted to put more brains in there. laughter and we learned more about the glorious trump lineage from a new article tracing trumps Family History, all the way back to his grandfather, who made his fortune during the Alaska Gold Rush by setting up a trailside tent hawking horse meat. And, lo, trump steaks were born. laughter the article shows just how tough trump was on his kids. Apparently, on ski trips, when they raced down the mountain, to get ahead of them, trump would jab at his children with a pole, and his favorite fatherly maxim was dont trust anyone, and he liked to test his children by asking whether they trusted him. If they said yes, they were reprimanded. And if they said no, they were also reprimanded. as trump you shouldnt have trusted me when i told you not to trust anyone. Next time, i trust you will not trust not trusting, or you will lose your trust fund. laughter well be right back with former secretary of state Condoleezza Rice. cheers and applause band playing of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. I knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. I knew there was a vaccine available that could help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. I knew. So i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. Dont stop, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you whoa i cant feel the heat drum roll and the record for longestlasting aa battery goes to. cymbal crash energizer ultimate lithium. Guinness World Records title holder for longestlasting aa battery. [upbeat action music] pilot were going to be on the tarmac for another 45 minutes or so. For mildtomoderate eczema, its steroid free. A. Do not use if you are allergic to eucrisa or its ingredients. Allergic reactions may occur at or near the application site. The most common side effect is application site pain. Ask your doctor about eucrisa. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause piano riff hey, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a diplomat and author who became the first woman to serve as National Security advisor and the first African American woman to serve as secretary of state. Please welcome, secretary Condoleezza Rice cheers and applause band playing wrrchg stephen thank you for being here. A pleasure. I have to Say Something from the start. That was great walkup music. Thank you to the band. They are fantastic. cheers and applause stephen as i was saying backstage, i cant believe i never interviewed you before. I thought i hd w assured by my staff that i havent. I have so many questions to ask you from the last 18 years but ill boil it down to the last three days. All right. Stephen trump invited the taliban to camp david three days before 9 11. Right. Stephen where did you find your jaw once you realized it had dropped . laughter let me make a point first about the decision to cancel the meeting, that was a good decision. Stephen sure. Often his best decisions are not to do the things he decided to do. laughter well, whatever the reason, it was a good decision because i think the taliban has become convinced that we want to deal far more than they do. You know, the last years, not just the trump administration, but the obama administration, we talked about the importance of leaving, bring the troops home, we all want the war to end, but i think the taliban became convinced they could get just about any deal so it was good the meeting canceled. Yes, i probably would not have chosen to do the meeting at camp david three days before 9 11. Stephen okay. Lets say i might have found another venue. Stephen what do you make of the idea of being in these peace negotiations with the taliban . Are they partners you can negotiate with . Mean, obviously, re t bad guy here. They are. Stephen in peace negotiations, youre dealing with an enemy. Can you say taliban is not interested in a stable afghanistan . I think thats true. But the fact is youre rarely negotiating with your friends, youre usually negotiating with your adversaries. I worked with the negotiator several times. Hes a very sound and Competent Person and if he gets the back together not take a bad deal, this negotiation is the right thing to do. Stephen if he gets the back together not do a bad deal. Whats that mean is this. If he gets the backing from the president and the white house. Secretary pompey o secretary of state, has said we have to go back to principle first. Were not going to negotiate an end to the afghan war that is going to leave the taliban with the ability to just bring terroriststhat t before 9 11. Were not going to abandon the afghan government, which, over 18 years, has built into something of a democratic government, even though weak. And i hope were not going to abandon the women of afghanistan. cheers and applause im going to tell you somethin