The mainstream media, these people back here, they are the worst. They are so dishonest. When you get your feelings hurt by somebody you love, think a minute before you cry and moan about your own feelings. They call her pocahontas. You think all indians are the same . We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you have ever seen. Control your weight. Dont let it control you. Everybody loves me. Everybody loves me. Have you ever wanted to believe in something, even though you knew it couldnt be true . Do whats right, and you cant go wrong. Take it from me. Mr. T its the late show with Stephen Colbert. The best of season 4, the greatest season 4 of all time. Tonight, too much monologue. Plus stephen welcomes famous people, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause hello there, america welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is so great, so agreement to be here tonight is what i would say if i were actually here. Right now, im on my way to l. A. For the emmys, and this was recorded ahead of time. So as you watch this, im on a flight headed to los angeles, giving the Flight Attendant a verbal yes that im willing to assist in the evughter lae so long ast emeris res too much vodka on thi ughter piano riff cheers and applause youve got to make the most of emmy weekend. But we still have an amazing best of season four show for you, with all kinds of highlights from the shows last year, where we talk about the lowlights from our countrys last year. laughter but we will be back monday with a special allnew show featuring the one and only sir paul mccartney. cheers and applause back here yes, thats exactly right. Thats exactly right. Give it up. Jon i seen him. I seen him. Stephen sir paul is back here in the ed sullivan theater, where the beatles kicked off the british invasion in february, 1964. It was such an exciting night that just three months later, i decided to be born. Jim . Its Election Night and the late show is live, everything, everything cheers and applause everything you see right now is happening in real time. To prove tih vtest edition of the new york times. Heres the headline it is 11 36 and 42 seconds p. M. Eastern standard time. There you go, that proves it. If there is going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation. It just doesnt work that way. laughter stephen even even the republicans were like hey did he. What . Of course the reporter had to ask about yesterdays president ial tweet in which trump called the porn star he had sex with a horseface. When the carpenters asked if that was appropriate for the president , trump responded, you can take it any way you want. laughter what other way is there to take horseface . Hey, its a compliment. Did you know that every single winner of the Kentucky Derby had a horseface . And, and may i remind you, they also had a tiny man on top of them. Trump is not happy. Yesterday he coined a new catchphrase to describe the investigations its called president ial harassment. laughter . Stephen yes. Yes. President ial harassment. Its like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. laughter and a lucky turkey gets a president ial pardon. That turkey is so lucky. Ive never seen such a beautiful turkey. Stephen as trump its so beautiful, if it wasnt my dinner, perhaps i would be dating it. On friday, Robert Mueller turned in his report to attorney general and white collar fred flintstone, william barr. Secretary of state and reigning champion returning to ribmania. The whit white houses own statr and waldorf. Outgoing tennessee senator and moms new eharmony boyfriend. Acting attorney general and baby who grew up and is not happy about it. laughter matt whitaker. According to administration sources, trump prefers a diplomatic approach to resolving tensions and wants to speak directly with irans leaders. Great trump will get a chance to break out his diplomatic charms when he meets ayatollah khamenei. It is a pleasure to meet you, muslim wizard. Nice, nice, really nice. I like the dumbledore of the de, please, dont put a spell on me. I come in peace. Now, lets see that flying carpet. Where we got that . Then pelosi psychoanalyzed trump saying, this wall thing, its like a manhood thing with him, as if manhood could be associated with him. Oh oh jon ooooh stephen oh, thats cold so the wall is a metaphor for his manhood. Now wonder hes having trouble erecting it. cheers and applause theyve intercepted wonderful people from south america and from other parts further south. laughter stephen i dont understand. Wait a second. Further south than south america . Oh, my god did Border Patrol arrest terror penguins . cheers and applause they exist. They exist. Jon they exist. Man, you gotta watch them. Stephen better than known as isis. Thank you, thank you. Trump also got into a beef today with former Vice President and man enjoying his invisible corn. laughter . Joe biden. Pennsylvania representative and man whose eyebrows dont match the drapes. laughter 7 north korean dictator and all the members of the adams family combined. Kentucky senator and man who just saw his hair in the mirror. laughter Vice President and man wishing the dogs at the dog park would put on some damn pants. laughter mike pence. Now, weve been following this Mueller Investigation for two years. I think we even mention it on the show a couple of times. laughter and this is the finale, okay. This is worse than the finale of lost. Jon wow, wow. Stephen i mean, what about the smoke monster . Was it real or not . And if not, why have so many members of Trumps Campaign pled guilty to lying about meeting with the smokewhont i dont understand. I dont understand. Why couldnt this have been like the ending of seinfeld. Still, still disappointing, but at least theyre all in jail. I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges, the oranges of the. Investigation, the beginnings of that investigation. The Mueller Report i wish covered the oranges. laughter applause cheers stephen yes yes, sir must take a look at the oranges of the investigation i say it is high clemmen tine we do so coming into the evening, joe biden had a big lead in all the polls and to celebrate, his supporters handed out free ice cream. They called it joe cones. laughter a joe cone is also what biden rs da to make sure he respects laughter plaus. Just just safety. Trump was in the rose garden this afternoon with a brandnew immigration plan. The new plan comes courtesy of professional daughter husband jared kushner, who wants to move immigration towards a meritbased system. Both democrats and republicans hate this plan. Politico described as jareds complete whiff. Ah, this fathers day, give your man a whiff of jared. Mmmm mmmm mmmm laughter applause dangerously unqualified. laughter applause this victory means the return to power of presumed speaker of the house and woman treating herself to two calcium chews tonight. laughter nancy pelosi. South carolina senator and man who is acting all natural while peeing in the pool. Department attorney general and lab partner with a secret crush ow. Director of the office of management and budget, and bad guy from raiders before he looks in the arc. And baby sipter who lost two of them. laughter and simon from alvin and the chipmunks, mick mulvaney. Gather around kids. Ittle book we at the late show put together cawd, whose boat is this boat . Comments that dont help in the aftermath of a hurricane. cheers and applause just just a quick reminder these are all actual things that he said. Is this your boat or. Did it become your boat . laughter whose boat is this boat . Has raised 1 million. cheers and applause boom look at that 1 jon seven digits. Stephen a burch of zeros. When it came to medicare for all, bernie was ready to throw down. They will be better because medicare for all is comprehensive. It covers all Health Care Needs for senior citizens. It will finally include dental care, hearing aids, and eye glass. Second of all. You dont know that, bernie. I do it. I wrote the damn bill jon oh oh stephen boom jon give me that bern oh stephen i wrote the damn bill and its a good thing you getust slapped the teeth out of your dirty mouth its raining chicklets in here all right, theyre lifting her out of there. Okay, spinning a little bit. Okay, jump ahead. And. Oh, my god what is happening what on earth is happening . Did you tie her to the rotors . The rescue team was never really concerned. A phoenix fire captain explained. We were at least able to make some eye exact i could tell that she was doing okay. Stephen you made eye contact . How . Maam, maam, maam are you okay . Maam are you okay . Lets find it in here some place. Put kids in cages. Gave security clearance to soninlaw. Repeatedly humped the flag. Called nazis very fine people hasnt released tax returns yet. After that birther stuff. Thought Frederic Douglas was alive. Tried to ban muslims. Gave a speech about a sex boat to boy scouts. Ruined kanye west. Here we go, cliewlded with russia. Lets lets take that one off. There gu. Audience oh stephen no, no, no, fair is fair. Lets take that one off, okay. And i really want to be fair to him, okay . I should also cross off mueller from the list of trump investigations. Okay . cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen when we return, more, more coming up, people youve heard of if youve heard of celebrities. sprintern its iphone season at sprint. paul switch and get sprintern the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing allnew camera systems. And now you can get iphone 11 for paul zerodollars a month when you trade in your iphone 7 or newer in any condition. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. I cant believe it. That sophie opened up a wormhole through time . speaking japanese where am i . woman speaking french are you crazy nuts . Cyclist pip pip woman speaking french im here, look at me. Its completely your fault. man speaking french ok . Its me. Its my fault . No, i cant believe how easy it was to save hundreds of dollars on my Car Insurance with geico. pterodactyl screech believe it. Geico could save you 15 or more on Car Insurance. What shes zip lining with little jon . Its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Depend® fitflex underwear for all day fun. Features maximum absorbency, ultra soft fabric and new beautiful designs for your best comfort and protection guaranteed. Lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. Of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. I knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. I knew there was a vaccinelabled help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. I knew. So i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. The juul record. They took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. Five million kids now using ecigarettes. The fda said juul ignored the law with Misleading Health claims. Now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san franciscos ecigarette protections. Say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c. Thiwith the worlds firstdo, invisible trailer. Invisible trailer . Hop in. Silverado offers an optional inuding onennced vieage with up to 15 different v silthat makes your traileral appear invisible. Wow. Thats pretty sweet. Thats cool. Whered the trailer go . Or, get a total value of ninety seven sixty on this silverado all star without optional tech package or enhanced invisible view. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Stephen please welcome Julia Roberts applause cheers and applause stephen hello . Hello. Stephen thanks for being here. Im happy to be here. cheers and applause im going to start crying. Stephen go ahead. Go ahead. Thats so overwhelming. Im going to start weeping. I wrote a book i wrote a book its a very good book im here to promote im here to promote my book im gonna talk to stephen its going to be great stephen we love having you on the show. Thank you. Stephen and what i did not know until i was informed this afternoon is that tonight, with this appearance, you overtake Bernie Sanders as the most frequent guest of the late show, with stephen col p , buddy. cheers and applause you know what . There is a she that i do watch stephen rupaul. I love that so so much stephen have you met ru paul. No. Stephen hes my guest tomorrow night. Would you like me to send a message to him. Is there anything youd like to say to him . I couldnt talk. Just say, i love you. Stephen why dont you say it to you right now . Ru, are you are you hi hello oh, my god cheers and applause i love you so much theyre sparkles. Stephen who have you been seeing these days . Oh, ive been seeing number 27 from the new york yankee s. Stephen really . Whats his name . His name is john carlo. Ive been seeing him on twitter. Ive been seeing him in my dreams a lot. We together. Stephen right. He is number 27, he is 64, 250 pounds. Yes thats what im talking about, somebody to burp me oh applause laughter thank you. applause cheers and applause we work with young actresses that are new in the business. A lot of times they dont want to say what they really feel about things because they dont want to offend anyone because theyre just Marriott Hotels . Stephen sorry. Hey hey stephen my watch hold on maya watch got a phone call, and i tried to put my hand over it because i tried to put it asleep but it was a call from the marriott hotel. Your awards program from marriott interrupted my touching story. About emma thompson. Stephen what do you do to wind down at the end of the day . I have a glass of wine and cry. laughter like, everybody else. Stephen youve been reading my journal. Stephen and the winner is. Oh, my gosh. Stephen lady gaga, bradley cooper. This you go applause hes the winner cheers and applause laughter stephen what do you think happens when we die, keanu reeves . I know that the ones who love us will misus. Audience oh applause what do you. Want to be remembered for . Stephen oh, thats easy. I want to be remembered as the guy who says, all right, all right, all right. applause cheers thats cool. laughter but im the guy who says, all right, all right, all right. cheers and applause stephen not if my obituary comes out first. laughter . Stephen have you ever had an impossible burger . No, thats what. Stephen its a vegetarian burger. Its very delicious. Oh,. Stephen have you ever tried one . No. Stephen would you like to try one . Yes. Im not no no laughter bleep . Stephen open your mouth. Open your mouth. No no you cant listen, this is this is th honestly. Stephen baah laughter i could i could right. Listen i could bleep take you into a tribunal for this. Open your mouth open your mouth. Open your mouth. What was your First Impression of me . He is going to be so handsome in his late 50s. laughter torolorula stephen youre loud. You asked me to sing in a box. Stephen i didnt know how loud you were. And then criticized the volume . Stephen im not criticizing. Hey, look it. Storm trooper. Stephen can we do a photo . Here, get in the middle. How much is this . 10. Stephen 10 . Its 15 to have your photo taken with bryan cranston, so you owe my 5 now. I now host the late show on cbs. No, im not kidding. I do. bleep carson. Another 85 pounds of generic white male mediocrity that shops at the lesbian white house. Thats not a very nice thing to say. This anonymous person wants to know did anyone ever have sex in their dressing room . Show of hands. What about someone elses dressing room. Stephen did you theres one honest person. And that did not include me. F. Y. I. We all used johnnys dressing room. laughter . You know, cats prowl. They sort of prowl, one shoulder in front of the other, and theres a bit of that, yeah. Yeah, there you go. And then she would say to you, whats that noise laughter applause stephen i have heard that you really want to be catwoman. I mean, im just not even going to try to get that part. Theres just no way in hell theyre going to cast me get that out of here. Stephen let them know right now that you want to be cheers and applause why . cheers and applause stephen when we come when we come is that what a cat does . Meanwhile coming up, meanwhile. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. Ever since you brought me home, that day. Ive been plotting to destroy you. Sizing you up. Calculating your every move. You think this is love . This is a billion years of tiger dna just ready to pounce. And if you have the wrong Home Insurance coverage, you could be coughing up the cash for this. So get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, like meow. So get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, for that many calories you could have 9 veggie chips. These are more chip than veggie. While v8 is a snack you can veg out on. V8 the original Plant Powered drink. Veg up. Used almost everywherezema, euon almost everybody. Like the back of a bodyguard. For ages 2 and up. Eucrisa works at. And below the surface of the skin. It blocks overactive pde4 enzymes. Which is believed to reduce inflammation. And its steroidfree. Do not use if you are allergic to eucrisa or its ingredients. Allergic reactions may occur at or near the application site. Application site pain. Ask your doctor about eucrisa. Stephen folks every night im standing right over there, gathering the finest tomiahog me steel of the news. A multilayered symphonic soundscape of news stories. I spend so much time right over there curating the tifutori of the day to carefully plan the spectacular Destination Wedding that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to get drunk and wander through the rough parts of news town and pick