Tonight, Russian Tiger and collusion. Plus stephen welcomes Carrie Underwood, kevin smith and jason mewes, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater iyork ty, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen come on whoo welcome back beautiful beautiful thank you very much very kind what lovely people what lovely people. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause you know, the constitution gives the accused the right to remain silent, and clearly donald trump has never read the constitution. laughter because he will not shut the old hamburger hole. laughter everything he says just makes him guiltier. Well talk all about it in tonights episode of chopper talk cheers and applause stephen yesterday, the president was asked a simple question on that phone call, what was he asking the ukrainian president to do to the bidens . He wisely dodged it. Today, he took it straight in the face. Mr. President , what exactly did you hope zelensky would do about the bidens after that phone call . Exactly . I would think if they were honest about it theyd start a Major Investigation into the bidens. Its a very simple answer. They should investigate the bidens. President zelensky, if it were me, i would recommend that they start an investigation into the bidens. Stephen what are you doing . laughter that is literally what theyre impeaching you for. laughter dont say that outloud cheers and applause thats like if Jeffrey Dahmer showed up in court wearing an apron that said kiss the cook. laughter i dont know i think this is whats happening trump knows if somethings bad, you dont admit it in public. So, if he admits it in public, it must not be bad. Hes trying to normalize it. Its like a husband saying, honey, i know you think its wrong for me to have sex with our neighbor, but if it were why would i be doing it in the middle of your book club . laughter okay, think. That reminds me, melissa, you want another glass of chardonnay . audience reacts two laug shes nice. You would like her. laughter but hes the president , i mean, the leader of the free world. Hes not just going to stand out there and ask a foreign country to investigate his political rival. Hes going to ask two countries china should start an investigation into the bidens. Because what happened in china is just about as bad as what happened with uh. With ukraine. Stephen just when you think trump cant dig himself a deeper hole, he literally reaches china. cheers and applause sure. Its late. Just wait. Trump made these comments on his way to florida, to visit something called the villages, which is the largest Retirement Community in the country. I thought that was the u. S. Senate. Jon whoa, whoa stephen its not. The population of the villages is perfect for trump the median age is nearly 71. Or as trump calls them the youth vote. laughter they love him down there. In fact, trump was treated to a golf cart parade. laughter the only thing whiter than a golf cart parade would be a mayonnaise water slide. laughter cheers and applause jon whee lala cheers and applause stephen todays visit was a fun distraction for trump. Because the villages has it all swimming pools, golf courses, themed town squares. In fact, the complex is, sometimes likened to an adult disney world. And they mean adult. Because the community is regarded as ground zero for geriatrics who are seriously getting it on. laughter in fact, a local gynecologist reported that she treated more cases of herpes and Human Papillomavirus at the villages than she did when she worked in miami. In miami cheers and applause in miami, where, at the nice hotels, you can order chlamydia from room service. laughter 28 . Its free on the beach. Jon oh piano riff stephen these frisky seniors are even a Law Enforcement problem. As one local Police Officer put it, you see two 70yearolds with canes fighting over a woman and you think, oh, jeez. but you also think god, i hope thats his cane. laughter in addition to his golf cart parade, the president also held a rally. And he began by playing up to the crowd. Im thrilled to be here, one of the most famous and Thriving Communities anywhere in florida and really anywhere in the world as far as im concerned. The villages. cheers and applause in fact, i was thinking about moving to the villages, but i just couldnt leave maralago. I couldnt leave it. I got stuck at maralago. Stephen as trump but then a waiter pried me out from between the buffet counters, and i was free. laughter applause they gave me a radio collar and let me go. Trump was there to talk about medicare and he made a surprising admission. Millions of seniors are enjoying better healthier and more prosperous retirements. I should be retiring with you. Stephen yes, you should. cheers and applause yes. Yes, you should. And pelosis working on it. laughter then trump rallied these seniors with a solemn promise today, standing in solidarity with our nations seniors, i declare once again that america will never be a socialist country, will never be. cheers and applause stephen you tell em, mr. President i wont let those socialists take away my Social Security or my governmentrun medicare i really need it. Ive got a scorching case of the clap. laughter applause whoo piano riff this, by the way, is my old man character. laughter trump also tried to boast about his commitment to letting people keep their own doctor. Under this administration, we believe that every American Family has the right of chooshe. laughter stephen as trump yes, the right of chooshe must be guaranteed to every citizen of the united shtush. laughter piano riff then the conspiracytheoristinchief floated a new crazyballoon linking his impeachment with drug manufacturers. Were lowering the cost of prescription drugs and taking on the pharmaceutical companies. I wouldnt be surprised if the hoax didnt come a little bit from some of the people we are taking on. They are very powerful. Some of the nonsense we all have to go through but that i go through, wouldnt be surprised if it was from some of these Industries Like pharmaceuticals. Stephen hey dont go after the pharmaceutical industry. Their antidepressants are the only thing getting me through your administration laughter cheers and applause were also learning more about the weird conspiracy theories that are sucking trump down the whirlpool of shame and ill tell you all about it in tonights don and the giant impeach. The countrys gonna go to hell cheers and applause stephen yesterday, the Inspector General of the state department rushed to capitol hill for an urgent briefing with the leaders of the house of representatives. Everyone wondered what could be so urgent. Did he have more transcripts of trumps phone calls . More incriminating emails from pompeo . Spoilers for the new season of Young Sheldon . laughter hes slightly older. Turns out, none of that. Turns out, the Inspector General wanted to give congress a mysterious packet of ukraine disinformation that members of congress described as bizarre and confusing. Which was tough because bizarre and confusing are also the secret Service Code Names for don jr and eric. laughter applause not sure which is which one. Jon eric is the tall one . Stephen don, jr. Jon i remember. Stephen this mystery packet included debunked smears against, among others, hunter biden and the former u. S. Ambassador to ukraine. It is a unfathomable mystery who would want to circulate such discredited and its giuliani. laughter because last night, rudy admitted it was him to cnn, but it was already pretty obvious considering the packet contained several folders that appeared to have come from a trump hotel and copies of interview notes bearing the address of mr. Giulianis new york office. Oopsadummy. Thats like if bruce waynes house had a sign that said welcome to wayne manor, home of the bat cave. laughter the packet was originally sent to secretary of state mike pompeo, seen here submissively exposing his neck to our silverback president. laughter according to one of pompeos aides, the secretary of state presumed the material was from the white house. He presumed. Maybe because it came over in this weird envelope addressed to pompeo by a wedding invitation calligrapher. Laugh inside it gave him the option of chicken, fish, or treason. laughter cheers and applause and the return address is the white house in what looks to be harry potter letters. laughter no surprise, giuliani did start his life as a houseelf. laughter cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Carrie underwood is here but when we return, meanwhile stick around cheers and applause band playing shes staying in a rainforest tree house . Thats my dream. You dream big for a man on a plane to omaha. 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Click, call, or visit a store today. cheers and applause band playing stephen give it up for the band, everybody jon batiste and stay human over there cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. Hey, john cheers and applause thanks, everybody jon, you know, the music superstar Carrie Underwood is here tonight. Jon yeah. Stephen shes going to be doing a song. Its going to be incredible. Jon i cant wait to hear that. Stephen every night, folks, i stand right over there, i saw through the breast plate of the days big stories to perform the highly delicate thoracic Aortic Dissection repair that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to get drunk, break into the Veterinary Office of smaller stories, gene splice some humans and cats and lizards together, and make them fight on the island of dr. Moreau of news that is my segment meanwhile just slides right out of ya. Meanwhile meanwhile, amazon just revealed echo frames smart glasses with alexa built in. Finally ive always wanted to have to stop a timer by screaming at my own face. laughter meanwhile, in utah a Police Officer showed a teen how to tie his tie during a traffic stop. And you can read all about it in this weeks issue of things that only happen to white people magazine. laughter piano riff cheers and applause jon yes, indeed. Stephen meanwhile, a man took l. S. D. And fell in a lake at disneyland paris, and was found naked and confused hours later, after he fell into the manmade lake near captain hooks pirate ship. So unfair. Some people drop acid and make record revolver. Others almost drown trying to expose their junk to mr. Smee. laughter as for who gave him the acid, authorities have narrowed it down to these suspects. laughter cheers and applause meanwhile, speaking of the house of mouse, theyve just revealed the first openly gay couple in the star wars universe. And, no, its not who you think. laughter turns out, its orka and flix. From the animated series star wars resistance. Um, okay. laughter so theyre not remotely human and theyre not the same species as each other. But, still, for everyone in the Gay Community who identifies as either a halfbat half koala or an owl attending trade school for spotwelding, disney sees you. laughter cheers and applause meanwhile, this video is going viral of a pentecostal preacher exhorting his congregation and getting a little distracted. By the blood of the lamb by the blood of the lamb, god, i pray i pray i pray healing, i pray i pray i pray deliverance, deliverance, deliverance, yes lord, yes lord. Stephen yes, lord yes lord yes lord yes lord yes lord yes lord yes lord yes lord yes lord groupon for Cheesecake Factory yes, lord yes, lord yes, lord yes, lord yes, lord piano riff i dont even have time to address why he conducts his services in what appears to be the outdoor cafe at disneyworlds big thunder mountain, because theres more yes lord, have your way, have your way, have your way. Uh. Stephen uhhhhhhhh uhhhhh she just posted a picture of her new boyfriend. Uh. They look so happy. laughter even when he gets so carried away by the holy spirit that he speaks in tongues, his devotion to his phone is unshakable. Karamo. Ratatata. Shakaya. Tongue speaking in tongues stephen you really dont want to mix up your speakingintongues with your emailing. You know youre going to get hey, bill. Thanks for the roof estimate. Can i get a followup if we include shooplababandatentabashaloo well be right back with Carrie Underwood. cheers and applause cos i know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams here i go again on my you realize your vows are a whitesnake song . I do. If you ride, you get it. Geico motorcycle. 15 minutes could save you 15 or more. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. For fast pain relief. [woof] cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back folks, this is big folks, this is big cheers and applause folks, we have some big guests on this show, but this is a big one. My first guest is a seventime grammy Award Winning singer and songwriter who has sold over 64 million records worldwide. Please welcome Carrie Underwood cheers and applause band playing i absolutely love i love all the sparkles. Thank you stephen you dont get that every day. In the Country Music universe, you actually do. Stephen yeah, but they dont always drip off your body like that. No. Stephen no, its, like, tentacles of glitter coming off you, like you have been attacked by a very glamorous jellyfish. Thats what i was going for. Stephen so nice to have you here. You came from, am i correctly, shakota, oklahoma . How big is that . Id say 3,500, but over the past couple of years weve lost a couple hundred people. Stephen do you know where they are . No. Stephen just wandered out on to the prairie . Thats a likely small down. Are you related to everybody, basically . Not everybody. laughter i have lots of cousins and whatnot. Stephen sure. Everybody knows everybody else. Stephen everybody goes sips about everybody else town there . Its a small, small town. Stephen do you get home often . My parents still live there, so, yeah, holidays and whatnot. Stephen thats pleasant. Nice for the daughter to come home. Yeah. Stephen last week marked the 15th anniversary of you winning american idol. Trying out for. Stephen the 15t 15th anniversary of trying out for in the season that you won. Yes. Stephen take me back to shikota, oklahoma, and what the audition was like your . I didnt know what was going to come of it. I saw the auditions on the news happening in other towns, so i thought, why not . Worked out all right. laughter stephen that was the shortest autobiography ive ever read. laughter yeah. I mean, it was, like, here you go, heres your ticket to hollywood. Stephen you had no idea it was going to change your life . No, no. Im, again, from a small town and stephen so when you get that yellow piece of paper that says youre going, what happens next . I got on a plane not too long after that and we want out for more auditions to l. A. Stephen tha had you been ona plane before . No, first time. Stephen what was the First Experience of being on a plane . Terrifying. It still freaks me out, to be honest. Im 36 years old and i have been to lots of airports. Stephen im guessing you have. Back then i was by myself and there were lots of connecting flights to get there. Stephen they didnt fly you direct to hollywood . No, there were so many contestants, it was probably whatever was the most cost effective. Stephen sure, spirit airlines. Yes. Stephen exactly. Made a couple of connections and one plane was late so i missed the next plane. Stephen you missed your connection going to hollywood . I did. I was, like, im going to have to find some nice airport employee to tell me what to do because i dont know what to. Do im on the phone with whoever our Contact Person was and i was, like, please dont kick me off the show. Yeah, but i made it. Stephen youre the only one who didnt make it . Im sure not. Im sure other people i mean, we had lots of connectors. One thing, one card is not there, the whole house falls. Stephen did it occur to you to take a bus . I would have hitc hitchhiked. Stephen you earned College Credit while being on america