Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

Nothing to see here. Mother, help me theyll never find me here, monkey. I got ya. Ts the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, in veep trouble. And pete alonso smashes things. Plus, stephen welcomes featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey so nice to have you cheers and applause nice, beautiful. Beautiful. Please, have a seat everybody. Oh, happy friday, jon. Happy friday opinion welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The looming cheers and applause you cannot keep a friday crowd down. Thats what i know. cheers cant do it. Stephen you know what . The looming story in america right now is the looming impeachment of donald trump over his documented and repeated efforts confessed efforts to get foreign governments to interfere in our election by digging up dirt on joe biden. But if hes going down, hes bringing a plus one. laughter and its Vice President and only attendee of californias boring man festival, mike pence. laughter applause were learning were learning that trump involved pence in efforts to pressure ukraines leader this, after trumps phone call to ukraine where he said, you want military aid . First investigate the bidens. Sunle investirronelensky and did that mean biden . Had to havet biden, because his Top National Security adviser listened in on the original call, and pence was given a transcript of the call. So whats his excuse . Officials close to pence say pence met with zelensky, probably without having read or at least fully registered the transcript. So he probably didnt read the crime, unless he did, in which case, he probably didnt understand the crime. Thats like saying, officer, you cant give me a ticket. I probably didnt read the stop sign. laughter or if i di i mean, how could i . I was doing 90 through that school zone cheers and applause so so tell me why, why, why so we dont know if mike pence is a participant or a patsy, which means its time to play americas favorite game corrupt or dumb stephen welcome to corrupt or dumb. Lets find out. Is this member of the Trump Administration corrupt or dumb . And bell ringing its both cheers and applause thank god its always both. And this has been corrupt or dumb of course, the reigning champion of corrupt or dumb is trump personal attorney and baby learning how babies are made laughter rudy giuliani. Giuliani went on the fox news this week to discuss the ongoing whistleblower case, but at one point, he was so incoherent, he even seemed to confuse himself. Lets suppose, just suppose, that this whole thing with the witch hunt the witch hunt. What do we call them, the witch hunter. Its election interference that the the guy who put the complaint out. Whistleblower. The anonymous whistleblower. Im sorry, i dont mean to demean him at all. He may be telling the truth. Stephen as giuliani and while youre at it, see if the witch hunter can find the witch that did this to me. I wasnt always a lying ghoul. Im an 11yearold boy trapped in giulianis body. Its me, brandon, mommy its me help but just because cheers and applause thats a true story. Thats a true story. That happened to a guy i know. That happened to a guy i know. But just because rudy is bad at his job, doesnt mean hes not working. He also sent a series of texts to a reporter who asked him, what are you planning to do next . To which he replied, looking at a jaw suit to end lawless action. Shouldnt be a problem giuliani is entirely jaw and suit. laughter then rudy texted his brilliant master plan. The reporter asked, who are you going to sue . To which giuliani replies, the swamp. trump v the swamp. then she asks, how do you sue the swamp . And giuliani replies, in federal court. laughter okay, okay, sure. But if trump really wants to sue a swamp in federal court, hes going to need a better lawyer than rudy giuliani. And i think i know just the team. Are you an embattled president facing a fastmoving impeachment investigation . Did you forget to drain the swamp and now need to take legal action against said swamp in a court of law . Then call us galino and farnes. Were washington, d. C. s premiere private attorneys for suing semiaquatic biomes. Marshes, boggs, estuaries and deltas. Even federally protected wetlands. Not so protected now, are you big shot. So call us today because were willing to get wet for you that came out wrong. Or did it . Galino and farnes cheers and applause stephen new sponsor, brand new sponsor. But theres an election coming up, and voters will soon be choosing from a sizzling fajita platter of democrats. And ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkeyst restore dignity to the Office Stephen first up on the donk dent man angrily calling his parakeet, joe biden. This week, biden shot back at trumps recent attacks. There is zero, zero, zero, zero evidence of any assertion being made. I think we should just focus on hes the issue. Nobody has ever asserted that i did anything wrong, except he and whats that fellows name . Rudy hudy or whatever his name is . Giuliani . Stephen oh, snap laughter bidens pulling the old i dont remember his name insult as biden whats his name, rudy hudy fresh and fruity, kiss the girls and call em judy . Or, maybe he cant remember it. Of course, another democrat vying for the nomination is tech entrepreneur and man trying to steal joe bidens parakeet, andrew yang. After a rally on wednesday, yangs Campaign Manager tweeted, there is nothing like an andrew yang rally, along with this footage of yang skateboarding which is an effective way of showing how good yang is at skateboarding, and even more effective way of showing how sparsely attended his rally is. as yang wooo theres no one over here wooo woooo applause then theres massachusetts senator elizabeth warren, seen here cheers and applause seen here tempting five of joe bidens parakeets. Laugh we learned more about senator warren, thanks to a recent interview with warren and her husband, bruce mann, known by their celebrity couple name elizabruth mannowarr. laughter in the couple interview, bruce was asked about warrens newfound frontrunner status. As the person who knows her best, why do you think shes leading the polls right now . Because shes the best person to do the job. Im glad you feel that way yeah, i do, i do. I do, i do. Its an entirely unbiased opinion, absolutely, absolutely. Stephen wow. You can feel that sexual tension. Hey you love birds get a room, you two might i suggest making it a big oval one. cheers and applause heres how these two cutiepies met love at first sight . For me, yes. It took her a couple of days. I was much slower. That was a sunday, Late Afternoon thats right, yeah. When we met. I wasnt completely in love with him until sometime midmorning on monday. And it was on monday when i actually saw him in shorts and goodlooking legs and wow. Yeah, thats when thats when i was all in. Stephen she added as warren honey, ive got a plan for that. Sweet little ass of yours. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Jon hamm is here but first, i hit the batting cage with home run King Pete Alonso stick around a lot of folks ask me why their dishwasher doesnt get everything clean. I tell them, it may be your detergent. Thats why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. 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Ill show you something, ill show you something. New. Shes staying in a rainforest tree house . Thats my dream. You dream big for a man on a plane to omaha. And shes zip lining with little jon . What its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Youre with big jon. Im steve. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Performance comes in lots of flavors. dramatic orchestra theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody folks, the baseball postseason began this week. But the player everyone is still talking about is mets rookie first basemen, pete alonso. Alonso hit 53 home runs in his first season, making him the leagues home run champion and breaking the alltime record for home runs in a rookie year. The guys like the Michael Jordan of baseball, but way better than that. laughter and because because the mets are right here in new york, i asked pete to stop by and show me how he does it. Jim. Im here with pete alonso. He is one of the most exciting stories of the baseball season this year. And i unvieted him here to the ed sullivan theater to show me how to hit stuff real good. Yup. Stephen your nickname is the polar bear. Yes. Stephen is that because youre large and white and wont be around in five years . Or is it because you love to eat raw seal meat . Which one of those two would it be. Ive never had seal meat but stephen what would be a good name for me . I say koala bear. Football players will dough an end zone dance or Something Like that. Why is there no home run dance . Why arent you, like, doing the electric slide or Something Like that around the bases . So baseball we dont have end zone dances. We have bat flips. Thats different. Stephen okay, let me see your bat flip. So usually, swin, and hit it and then. Something like that. Stephen ill do slomo so we can capture it. Step in it, come through, out it goes dispp now this is what im suggesting. You do this. You take this halfway down the base. And halfway there you go. Oh cheers and applause . Stephen okay . Can you put it down. Then you run to the base like that. You are, obviously, an incredible player. I have no doubt that youre headed to the hall of fame. Could you coach me how to hit things real good . Yes. Stephen lets do it. Beautiful day at the ed sullivan theater where 2019 home run champ pete alonso steps into the box on broadway laughter you all right . Stephen yeah, im okay. Too much heat for you, old man . Old man stephen im living in your head, man. Im paying rent in your skull right now. You got the yips oh oh wha i think i made him angry. I poked the polar bear. Yyou did. Stephen pete can you show me . Let me try. Okay. Stephen am i required to wear a cup . You, yes. Stephen yes, okay. Yes. laughter all right, lets do it. You ready . Stephen yup. Come on laughter that one knocked my cup off. applause ah be the ball. Stephen ah again just touch it. Theres, like, a force field. Its, like stephen just keep pitching. laughter come here and teach me how to do this. Stupid game laughter what am i doing wrong . Have you ever seen the movie angels in the outfield . Stephen no, i havent. Are there angels . Yes. Stephen where are the angels . Helping the players hit. Stephen in the outfield. You cant hit if youre in the outfield. Stephen why is it angels in the outfield . It doesnt make sense. The story doesnt hold together. Were pretty far from the plate. Here we go. Are you ready . Stephen really close to the plate. cheers and applause i actually hit the ball. I didnt do anything. You actually hit the ball. I actually was limping your arms like a noodle. Are you going out . Are you leaving . Youre on your own. Stephen okay. Hey, the baby bird has to leave the nest some time. See ball, hit ball ah yeah stephen oh, hell, yeah oh, yeah thats it yes stephen hell, yeah. yeah twa applause stephen okay, pete, youre leading the league in home runs, but how many touchdowns can you hit . Lets do it. This is a furby. I hated those things. Stephen very big in the 90s. Did you have one . I did. It wouldnt shut up. Stephen time to shut it up. cheers and applause stephen lego playhouse. Iveener seen anyone throw a lego house before. applause stephen watermelon watermelon hey, wate watermelon applause fivepound bag of flour. All righty. applause stephen yeeaah lets get pump skin spicy. Trickortreat. cheers and applause stephen pete, to celebrate your incredible rookie season. We got you this cake. Oh, thank you. Stephen huuh stephen well, thats the game, folks. Colbert and alonzo both winners. Tonights loser . This spectators car. Stephen unfortunately, we got some stuff on this guys car, and to apologize and to thank him, were going to sign our bats and leave them for this guy. All right. Stephen okay . laughter laughter applause cheers stephen thank you, pete alonso and congratulations the m. L. B. Postseason is happening now. And well be right back with jon hamm. Keep being you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. That means the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured in lab tests. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. 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Are you crazy . Lets hide behind the chainsaws. Smart. Yeah. Ok. If youre in a horror movie, you make poor decisions. Its what you do. This was a good idea. Shhhh. Im being quiet. Youre breathing on me if you want to save fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Lets go to the cemetery cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back folks, my first guest is an emmywinning actor you know as don draper from mad men. cheers and applause his latest film is lucy in the sky. Please welcome, jon hamm applause stephen note too bad, hey . There you go. Wow cheers and applause what a lovely reaction stephen it is a lovely reaction. Well, youre a lovely person to react to, jon hamm. I love being reacted to. Stephen how you been . I havent seen you for a whole week. It has been a week. Stephen yeah. And a hell of a week. Its lots of things have happened. Stephen yeah, its funny how things have happened every day. Its almost like you cant keep up. Stephen no. We saw each other at the emmys. We did. Stephen out there in los angeles. The hostless emmys. Stephen yes, i was fine with that. laughter we were hanging out backstage together. We did. Stephen it felt very fancy to hang out backstage. It did. And it was one of those things like, can the whole emmys be backstage . That could be fun. Stephen you were backstage and it was you and me and seth myers. Bill hader. Stephen and sam rockwell. We had a good group. Stephen we did all of us applause trying not to be mad at hader for winning. The only one among us who had won. Stephen you have been to a fair amount of fancy parties in your day. And show biz parties tend to put together an odd mix of people at times. Sure. Stephen i understand you had an interesting encounter at one of the s. N. L. Afterparties. I had gone to see hamilton that night with a friend of mine. I had never seen it. I was very excited. We got out of the show and i felt very proud to be an american. I said, s. N. L. Is having an afterparty, do you want to check it out to my friend. And he said, yeah, lets go. I had forgotten who the host was that night because that host became the 45th profit united states. Stephen he showed up to the afterparty . He hosted. He was there, and him and his buddy bill oreilly, your pal stephen wait, oreilly and he was there. Stephen a lot of bouquet there was a lot of this. Stephen what . There was a lot of this, a lot of chestout moves. And he did the thing. Stephen whats the thing . Where he shakes your hand and pulls you to try to get you off balance. Stephen to you . To me and im like im 62, 220 on a good day. Youre not going to get me off my pins. Sorry. Stephen wow i was like, wow, thats a thing. Thats a real thing. Stephen yeah. But it was not i did not stay at that party very long. Stephen im guessing it cleared out pretty soon. No one was printing these names on chocolate. No, no, no, they were not. Stephen the new movie, which im dying to see, fascinated by it. And the cast is amazing. Its called lucy in the sky. In all fairness, i thought it was called lucy and this guy. I was like oh, im playing the guy. Like, cool. Thats got to be worth something. Stephen pret big part. Yeah Natalie Portman plays lucy. I play this guy. Stephen youre an astronaut. Im an astronaut. Were both astronaut s. Stephen this is based on a true story. Its based on true events. laughter so its sort of. applause cheers stephen what does that mean . Whats the difference between a true story and true events. Isnt a story true events. Some can be true and some can be fudge gld its inspired by true event. Exactly. Now that weve got the terms right. Stephen right. I feel like we should have lawyers here. Lets get them all signed up. There was a story a while back about an astronaut who was sort of in a love triangle and had driven across the country cinched into a diaper. Stephen right, right, right. So she could power through. Stephen she was going to murder a guy with a hammer. There was going to be some justice taken. Stephen meted out. Love lost. So this is based on those events. Stephen yes. But its less of the sort of tabloid version of it. Its more about the show its movie really examines natalies character, and what happens to you when you come back from space. Its one of the rare movies about space that starts in space and ends on earth. Its not about the journey so much as what happens to people. Its fascinating. Ive spoken to a few astronauts here and there. And it does change you. And theres a difficulty because theres no one you can really talk to. Its not like you can go down to the corner and say, who else has been to space . Hands . No one, cool. So its very difficult stephen its a small group of people. Its a small group. And because of that, theres a lot of theres a lot of difficulty in processing that. And the movie really examines what happens to somebody who is so high functioning and at the top of their game and they unravel because their world and their perspective has shift gld did you ever want to be an astronaut . 1,000 . Stephen yeah, me, too. When did you know you werent going to be an astronaut . laughter early on. laughter when i was when i was told that there was math. I was like. laughter stephen aahh good night stephen we have a we have a clip here. You can tell us whats going on . Its you and Natalie Portman. Its the discussion where weve sort of fallen into this affair, and the discussion is, like, is what youre feeling what youre really feeling, or is this a reaction to not becoming unmoored. Stephen jim. Dont trust it. That feeling, its not real. I love you. I love you, too. Can you tell me one thing that is different about the world because you and i have a feeling . Everythings different. To you in your head. Sun rise at a different time . Weather pattern shifted . Cortisol, oxytocin, dopamine. Its a trick. cheers and applause stephen does he talk to astronauts . I spoke to i to an astronaut who was on the space station for i think the max amount of time, six, eight months, Something Like that. I dont know if you saw this g, rew being in space is so life changing in mber the guy that was the twin. Stephen yeah, yeah, mark kelly. He came back and his d. N. A. Had shifted and he was no longer a twin anymore. Do you remember hearing that story . Stephen i do. It physically shifts you. It mentally messes with you. When you see the sunrise every 90 minutes, you dont have a sense of days and weeks. It all gets kind of twist gld and eventually the alien pops out of your belly. Right out of the belly. Stephen we have to go here in a minute but a very quick, very important final question here. You are in the hotly anticipated movie top gun maverick, the sequel to the 1986 classic. cheers and applause there you are. There you are looking all top gun right there. Thats right. Stephen the plot is shrouded in secrecy. cheers and applause the plot is shrouded in secrecy. You can tell us anything . What i can say is im on the on ramp to the highway to the danger zone. Stephen is there lets put some asses in the seat here. Is there shirtless volleyball . I cant confirm or deny. Stephen is there pantsless lleyball . Kn jacket on we have to take little bit of a break. Please dont go away. When we come back, jon hamm and i reveal new movies we didnt realize wed been working on together. Its quite alarming. You think this is love . This is a billion years of tiger dna just ready to pounce. And if you have the wrong Home Insurance coverage, you could be coughing up the cash for this. So get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, like meow. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. 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Hey paul, do you love it . paul yeah. sprintern do you love it . paul i do. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Have a skincare routine. But what about a lip care routine . Pay your lips some attention. The chapstick total hydration collection. Exfoliate nourish naturally enhance your lips. Chapstick. Put your lips first. man, shouting boy, these woman, shouting uh huh ing. man, shouting they must be coming from this tree up here. All i have to do is dream Everly Brothers throughout man in background chickens almost done, folks indistinct cheering and laughing in the background. that was a funny one shes the funny one man my mother was so wrong about you. man, shouting honey what are you doing . woman, shouting lets have a Harvest Party . man, shouting ill invite my mom man nice woman yeah, we need that. man definitely all i have to do is dream band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. You know, were talking here with star of lucy in the sky, jon hamm. You know, im looking forward to that movie. But youre also in between two ferns movie. Youre always working. And i understand you have a whole burch of other movies coming out right now, too. We shoot them back to back to back. Stephen you have to. I have to work. Stephen heres the thing that alarms me. I just found out were in the movies together. I heard this. How did i not see you on set or during the filming . Stephen i dont know. I didnt see you, and i have no memory of filming the movie. I feel like this might have been a dream. Stephen we have the posters here. We have the onesheets. Stephen we have postersitation the movies you and i are both in. We should take a look to jog the memory. Stephen keep in mind, my Graphics Department has put together all of these posters, and we have not seen these ese movies are, what their titles are or what theyre about. Lets look through them together now in maybe coming soon. All right, jon, you ready to do this . I am. Stephen here we go. Heres the first movie you and i are both in together. Organized mime laughter this hit mans gun doesnt need a silencer. Oh, no, it does not. Stephen i remember this one. I remember this one. I just remember how seriously you took your mime work. Stephen well, obviously, yes. I mean exactly. You committed so much to it. The fact that your guy the fact that your guy could only couldnt get out of that box, though, was a real difficult stephen thats how the Police Caught him thats exactly it. In a jail of his own making. Stephen and are you, clearly, a mauveio boss. Im a mob guy but with a heart of gold. I like supporting the arts, clearly. And the thing that its the third act reveal is that were twin brothers. laughter . Stephen which is kind of obvious. Which is clearly stephen kind of obvious. Yeah. Its not much of a reveal. Our next movie. Hammcolbert. Above the title. Stephen alphabetically it should be colberthamm. It sounds leak a delicious sandwich by the way. Stephen our next movie is the other mario brothers turns out marios a father and had a secret family. laughter now, this is what people dont expect about this is this is fairly a dark tragedy. Its the saddest story of two plumbers youre ever going to see. Stephen yes. Johnny and stevie. Yeah . I can say that . Stephen yes, you can, it sounds mildly racist against italians, but go ahead. Here we are. If the mustaches didnt do it that probably would have kicked it over the edge. Stephen what is amazing of how much of the mario brothers we had to do to play for this. It was part and parcel getting ready for this. Stephen three years. Three whole years. Stephen a catheter and we never left the room. I started with conky kong. Stephen you dont have to tell me. Coming up presidog applause puppy of the united states. Stephen potu, is it upuppy of the united states, exactly. This summer the white house is in the dog house because politics is going to the dogs. laughter . I love that you got a v. P. Nom out of it. Stephen yeah. Thats fantastic. Stephen and very few people know this, the Vice President wares a sash. The sash stephen and youre head of the secret service, clearly. What do you think his secret service nickname is . Stephen good boy . Very good boy, very good boy. Stephen yeah, and the president gets caught up in a scandal. And it has something to do with kibble. Stephen somebody sprinkles kibble on his crotch, and hes caught licking himself. Himself. I thought it was a ukrainian kibble that was brought in, and he want aid treat for this for that. There was a whole thing like ill do something for you, if you give me a treat. laughter . Stephen its very timely. Its very timely. Its like its ripped from the homicide s. Stephen and when he ran for president , when asked about, you know, licking himself locker room stuff. Stephen it is locker room stuff. He paraphrased obama and said, yes, i can. laughter coming up coming up sixth sensei laughter i see dead people teach meeg karate. Now i would have gone i kicked dead people. Stephen who teach mekate . Well, hes kicking dead people. Stephen and now this is i play a student. Its a cross of the karate kid and sixth sense. And i am a young man, a boy clearly, clearly. Stephen a teenaged boy. A teenaged boy in raceda. Stephen in rasida . Thats where it took place . Thats the kind of research you did for this role. I did. Stephen i didnt. Wax on, youre dead. So in a cemetery in raceda, this young man desperately wants to learn karate. Stephen right. Summons up the ghost of his father. Stephen right. A longtime karate master. Sen say, as you were. Stephen and he has to win the contest to get the money required to save the cemetery so his father can rest in peace. Rest in peace. Stephen yes. But it all ends up in the final championship, he has to fight the ghost of his father. And he cant sweep the leg. Goes right through. laughter . Stephen right. applause . Stephen coming up presidog 2 presidog unleashed laughter tow kick terrorists tail, hell have to play rough, and then theyll play dead for real. Stephen this was just a money project for us. Clearly. It was a total cash stephen a cash cow. We had discussed maybe switching roles, too. Stephen right. Just to see if anyone would notice. Stephen no one would notice. Twins the sash stephen sells everything. Exactly. I like that presidog has gone tough guy sunglass, too. Stephen right. Well he actually ends up taking down the terrorists himself. By peeing on them. Stephen jon, im so excited. I cant wait for this to come out. Lucy in the sky is in theaters now. Jon hamm, everybody well be right back. Full of woo full of good. So you can be too. Try our new warm grain bowls today. Panera. Food as it should be. 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We have a lovely studio audience. A fantastic audience nches a great audience. Stephen we have a great audience, and we have a lot of little rituals before taping here in the ed sullivan theater that you dont get to see at home. For instance, i come out to meet the audience and take the audience questions. And we do a tricky thing. We record those, we edit them together, and now i show them to you. Jim. applause yes, maam. You like my set . I like it, too, thank you. Ther . Because sometimes they put it away at night. Is that do we have a shot of that . Theres that little banner that. See that . That address says, august 28, 1963. That is a banner my mother brought back from the i have a dream speech. applause and she was pregnant with me. laughter so, you know. I like to think i remember it. laughter i remember when dr. King said mumbling yes, sir. I am not a prankster. laughter i do not enjoy pulling pranks. I do not enjoy prank being pulled on me. I find them cruel, not funny. So the greatest the greatest prank ive ever pulled. sighs i did this show for 10 years where i pretended to be a conservative pundit. cheers and applause and a lot of people believed it. One of my favorite things about that show is the Ohio State University graduate school there did a study in which they asked two groups of people, same size, each of them said that they were fans of the old show and of Stephen Colbert from that show. And they one group identified as liberal, and one group identified as conservative. And the liberals believed that i was a liberal pretending to be a conservative. And the conservatives believe the i was a conservative pretending to be a liberal pretending to be a conservative. And i will to my grave say that they are right, because that makes me much, much it makes me genius in some ways. Anybody up here . Yes, maam . Whats the first thing i want to do after we have a different president . Take a shower. laughter applause cheers one of those silkwood showers borough they get the ra late show. Tune in next week when ill be joined by will smith, Neil Degrasse tyson, and jonathan van ness. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside one of the most reinforced barrels