You confuse, and the more you forget is the whistleblowers mind controlled by Chrissy Teigen . Can you guess who . Do you have a clue . Guess who, g. O. P. Whistleblower edition the more you play, the more trump wins dirt on joe biden sold separately. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, john oliver and amy sedaris along with Paul Mccartney and musical guest big thief, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen yeah hi howdy whoo fantastic why cant we do two of those tonight . Hey, jon how are ya . Hello, friends. audience chanting stephen happy thursday thanks, everybody whoo nice beautiful thank you very much. Welcome one and all up here, down , there out there, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff but heres the thing also, im kind of not because im not actually here. We taped this in advance because im about to shoot some special pieces for the show. Which means as you watch this, i am on an airplane to new zealand. Which also means that once youre done watching this, and youve gone to sleep, and woken up and gone to work, i will still be on an airplane to new zealand. laughter applause but this is a very special night. We have a bonus, never aired, sitdown with sir Paul Mccartney here tonight and cheers and applause yes and our patented flipped interviews, where the guests interview me. cheers and applause amy sedaris is doing one, and also john oliver. cheers and applause hes doing a 20 minute deep dive into my ties to the pharmaceutical industry. laughter what am i hiding . I dont know. I cant wait to find out. But theres still plenty going on. For starters, this coming tuesday, is the next democratic debate, and ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkey style. laughter cheers and applause this time the debate is being held in westerville, ohio. If youre not familiar with westerville one person is laughter westerville is right between westville and westestville. laughter i assume, i dont know how maps work. And its going to be crowded, because the Democratic National committee announced that 12 candidates have qualified for the debate. Which makes it the largest president ial primary debate ever. So who made the cut . Mostly familiar faces, like joe biden, cory booker, pete buttigieg, juliaan castro, kamaa harris, beto orourke, and elizabeth warren. And, despite having just had a heart attack, Bernie Sanders will participate in this debate. cheers and applause just to be safe, they have eliminated the stairmaster portion of the debate. laughter as beie i can do it crank it up to 99 give me a 1 incline laughter feel the burn laughter democrats themselves have even acknowledged that a crowded stage isnt ideal. One d. N. C. Member said, i dont think it is necessarily good. I think were at a point when were really down to five candidates that have actual traction, and you have a lot of people auditioning for something else. Which does explain why cory booker is planning to show up dressed as rum tum tugger. So a lot of eyes will be on the democrats, but President Trump still has plenty of problems, which ill tell you about in tonights edition of don and the giant impeach. cheers and applause to me its a dirty word, the word impeach, its a dirty filthy disgusting word. cheers and applause stephen for starters, in case you missed it, house investigators are looking into an allegation that groups, including at least one foreign government, tried to iratiate themselves to President Donald Trump by booking rooms at his hotels but never staying in them. Thats ridiculous. Theres an easier way to give trump money through his hotels. Just eat that minican of prgles 12 . laughter thats like a buck twenty a pring governments pay for the rooms but never go, in what are called ghost bookings. Which is also what Hotel Security calls it when wilbur ross stays there. laughter piano riff there have been very few commerce secretaries in my lifetime who are a visible punch line. laughter and a lot of people are saying this kind of open criminality is just trumps management style donald trump sought to run u. S. Foreign policy the way tony soprano ran his crime family. It was right out of don corleone. Donald trump speaks like a mobster. This is how a mafia boss talks. That sounds a lot like a mob boss. He is acting like a mob boss. We see this from mob bosses. Hes taken on this personapersona of a mobster. Stephen oh yeah, trump really sees himself as a tough guy mobster. as trump leave the gun. And if you take the cannoli, im gonna shoot you with the gun. laughter and remember what trump said about any of his former aides who cooperated with Robert Mueller . I know all about flipping. For 30, 40 years, ive been watching flippers. Everythings wonderful, and then they get 10 years in jail and they they flip on whoever the next highest one is, or as high as you can go. Stephen wow, yeah, its true. Trump hates flippers. laughter however bad this ukraine thing gets, he would never flip on a friend i think you should ask for Vice President pences conversations, because he had a couple of conversations also. Stephen wow. audience reacts thats cold. Can we see the rest of that clip . dolphin noises cheers and applause looks good. Looks good. Jon thats how hes doing it, just like flipper stephen and this talk about trump acting like a mob boss, has got this clip recirculating of him on this very stage with David Letterman a few years ago. Dave asked him if he had ever interacted with organized crime. I have met on occasion a few of those people. They happen to be very nice people. Stephen oh, yes, theyre very nice people. Thats why they have nicknames like tony two charities lucchese and jimmy race for the cure gambino. laughter so trump fancies himself a don, but the only mobster trump is even remotely close to is fredo. I can handle things, im smart not like everybody says like dumb, im smart, and i want respect stephen actually, id like to apologize. That wasnt fair. To fredo. laughter fredos casino didnt go bankrupt. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Sir Paul Mccartney is here. But when we come back, jon, oliver interviews me. cheers and applause band playing i was on the fence about changing from a manual to an electric toothbrush. But my hygienist said going electric could lead to way cleaner teeth. She said, get the one inspired by dentists, with a round brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs gentle rounded brush head removes more plaque along the gum line. For cleaner teeth and healthier gums. And unlike sonicare, oralb is the First Electric toothbrush brand accepted by the ada for its effectiveness and safety. What an amazing clean ill only use an oralb oralb. Brush like a pro. [ turn around, look at me there is someone walking behind you turn around look at me there is someone look at me emreplenished,d, fortified. Emerge everyday with emergenc. Packed with b vitamins, elecytesantioxidants, plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good every day . Emerge and see. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. For fast pain relief. Sc johnson. The pain and swelling. The psoriasis. Cosentyx treats more than just the joint pain of active psoriatic arthritis. It even helps stop further joint damage. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Get real relief, with cosentyx. cheers and applause band playing stephen you may know my guest tonight as the star of stranger than candy often those weird commercials he did. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing thank you very much oh, this is a beautiful place to work. Isnt it . Welcome, welcome to what you have built. Stephen yeah. Is this me . This is you. Is that the classic guest move, expressing immediate suspicion. Stephen is this me . Exactly. Did you poison this . Did you dip your balls in this . laughter so as part of an interview, weve known each other for a while. Stephen funny thing is ive known you for a while, but we havent really worked together. True. Stephen intimately because i left right before you got there at the daily show, right . Right before. Stephen so people think we know each other really well. I respect you enormously and had fun with you but we never spent a lot of time together. I was brought in as the destitute man on colbert. Since we jumped the introductory section stephen we never had it. What i thought we would do is have a first date now. So ive got questions for a start. For a first date, you dont go in laughter stephen wow, lovely. I asked your staff what wine does stephen like, and they said white wine, and i think they were looking at a bottle of white wine as they said that. So, there we go, for you. Stephen thank you. Beautiful port, right . Stephen wonderful. Were you ever fired as a waiter . I was a bartender. You cant fire a bartender. Stephen legally . Youre all appointed by the queen . Ect. Stephen shes the only one who can let you go. Bartending in the house of lords. Its hereditary. I come from a long list of bartenders. Cheers. Stephen so nice to meet you. I got first class questions from the internet in the dressing room from a web site posing as a sustainable business. This is a classic first date question, not a bad one. Whats the first concert you went to . Stephen i went to see chung mangion, and the theme song goes a Little Something like this. humming stephen thats it wow. Stephen first concert. Ask me who i went with. Your first date gave it strong, bringing a band with you and playing laughter stephen its your restaurant. You picked this restaurant. Theyre fantastic. Who did you go with . Stephen my mother. Thats nice. Did she like it. Stephen i think she stayed awake. I saw prince. Stephen oh. Yeah. applause they were both good. Stephen you asked me that question just so you could say the entire thing. Are all the questions going to be hue mill millating me . No, thats the only boomerang question. Stephen where did you see prince . I was 15 years old and i snuck out in london. It was absolutely amazing. I was obsessed with prince growing up because he was unlike anything around. I always thought minneapolis must be the most amazing place in america. applause this is advice for a first date and some of these are very specific. Stephen these were literally suggested to you by the internet. The most trustworthy source for human relationships. The robot says, ask these questions how many kilohertz do you operate at . What is yours as a humans fatal weakness . laughter when is the last time you sang with yourself or someone else . Stephen constantly. Im constantly singing by myself. I cheer myself up by singing all the time. Last night did you do scatting thats a classic dancing, isnt it . Stephen this date is going great. Youre definitely getting a second date. I think i am. Stephen what was i saying last night . Theres a guy named villary who plays with rachel price and plays jazz guitar. Im kind of obsessed with their youtube videos. At the end of a song theres a song called do friends fall in love he says as friends we were before and she says and will forevermore two, friends in love thats not a bad one. Its not like, its been its been it goes like somebody somebody its been somebody do you know how to get rid of an ear worm . My friend nicknapier said if you cant get something out of your head you need something, an ear worm that isnt long enoug to loopecause the problem with ear worms is you get a couple bars of it in your head and keeps going around, but something too short and really distinctive, something that will drive it out of your head but not long enough to loop is. By minnin or singing ricola snoct 500588300empire. Stephen today. Youre cute. Thank you. Thank you. Youre coming on a little strong but i do like to be chased. This is a genuine fourth question suggestion. This is for huma hume interactin a first date. Do you have a secret idea of how you will see dye . Thats a first date question. Stephen yeah, i mean, i guess its fairly common. I will be fitted with an iron mask that totally covers on here and theres a little trip of water that goes in and phils up to here, so i actually drown in the water on my face and i have to keep blowing it out or keep drinking it in order to stay alive, but eventually i lose consciousness and i cant do it. Or i fall face first into a wood chipper. Yeah. applause or i go home with a stranger on our first date. Yeah. Final first date question, what friendship have you had thats impacted you the most . Stephen my wife. My wife, without a doubt. Good answer. Stephen without a doubt. There is absolutely bar none no one who comes close, and, you know, the most harrowing idea would be that i would spend any part of my life without her because that would be a level of loneliness and irreplaceable, irredeemable emotional desolation that i could not possibly contemplate, and i understand why old men die like a month after their wives go because how i will actually die is she will die first and i will not last a year. Check, please. Im wasting my bleep time here. Stephen colbert, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause stephen john oliver well be right back cheers and applause band playing dramatic orchestra performance comes in lots of flavors. Theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. Yeah, that needs mmm. Thats better. Hvr seasoning. You either love it or you really love it. Keep being you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. That means the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured in lab tests. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre hivpositive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. Ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes thank you. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, they used to have a couple of bands many featured on the favorite lunchboxes but now the author of hey grand dude, Paul Mccartney is here. My two sisters saw you and wanted me to pass on their thanks to you. They saw you at d. C. Stadium on august 15, 1966, and i hav it we first time my sister mary was allowed to drive at night, and it was a holy day of obligation, it was the feast of assumption, and my mother allowed them not to go to church, even though my older brothers jim and ed wanted to tell them they were going to hell, especially it was around the time that john said you guys were bigger than jesus so it was definitely straight to hell after that. They said they could not hear a note. Nor could i. laughter stephen what were those earlier stadium concerts like . Um, we enjoyed the early ones, we enjoyed because it was success and it was, you know, they were going crazy, crowds going crazy, so you love it even if you cant hear yourself. After a little while, we just started thinking, you know, were musicians, we cant hear ourselves. It was a little bit wearing after a while. But as the beginning, it was fabulous. We used to milk it. Stephen what do you mean . Whoo, whoo, whoo laughter we knew that would do it. Stephen that would trigger the younglings . Absolutely, yeah. In fact, its funny, i do concerts now, and theres a girl who comes and she says, i can do a beatles scream like my mom. She holds up a card. I said, okay, girls, come on. They said, when we first came over here, we couldnt hear a thing. I said, all right, girls. There were, like, 40,000 people. I said, all right, lets hear a beatles scream, girls, come on screaming so, yeah, thats what it was like. And yeah, it was fabulous because, like i say, we were coming to america, we were successful. And the thing was most of the british acts in fact, i think all of the british acts that came to america whept, like, chaplain, hadnt been successful, the music acts, because some of the guys were trying to be like elvis, and you had elvis, so, you know, you had all the people they were trying to be like. So we knew we had to be different, and we were. laughter stephen what do you think was different . What do you think was different about your sound than other people at the time . We were, like, a an amalgamation amalgam stephen amalgamation, yea yeah. We were a mixture of all the people we loved, but we werent any individual one of them. So we were like the everly brothers, when john and i sang harmony, we were like buddy holly when we did this, a we just made up a new sound, and we wrote our own stuff, which was unusual then. Stephen do you remember when we were at the white house for the obamas final party, like lose the deposit damage final party. Wed already seen you and your love nancy upstairs and talked briefly, but then saw you near the mens bathroom near the library. I warned you about that. Stephen yeah, you said this is a nice room. I said, yes, thats George Washingtons actual sword on the wall. Do you remember what you said to me at the time . Remind me. Stephen you told me about when you got knighted. I told you i got knighted by her majesty the queen. Stephen yes. And its quite something, you can imagine. Stephen yeah. And what you have to do is youre not allowed to turn your back on her, so you stephen because shell stab you . laughter never thought of that that could be why. Stephen shes got a sword, right . Shes got a sword sheesh laughter so you walk in, not turning your back on her for one second stephen sure. And you stand in front of her, you walk down and there s