Is for your head then what are these other holes for . Youll feel as if youre in the room with don jr. The leftest socialcrats want to destroy my family, but theyll never destroy my love for my dad. This is horrible. Dad, you didnt even read it so visit audible and download triggered today. How come i dont get to talk a book . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight oopsaperjury. Plus, stephen welcomes Elizabeth Banks and senator Amy Klobuchar. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody how are you thank you thank you welcome, my friends. Welcome, my friends, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. You know cheers and applause i dont want to get out over my skis here, but im beginning to think this donald trump fella might get impeached, and ill tell you why. Because the democrats keep releasing these transcripts, and the evidence is pretty damning in that its exactly what we already knew. And ill tell you all about it in the latest don and the giant impeach. My phone call was perfecto. Stephen today, the leader of the impeachment inquiry, adam schiff, dropped two more juicy transcripts. And they came with hot bonus tracks brand new additional testimony from one of the officials at the center of the ukraine scheme, ambassador to the e. U. , and jade kegel egg, gordon sondland. laughter sondlands original testimony was pretty good for trump. In fact, the president triumphantly tweeted, the ambassador to the European Union has already testified. He said there was no quid pro quo. laughter okay. There it is. applause no quid pro quo. That was two weeks ago. Well, today, sondland amended his testimony much the same way that sherman amended atlanta and it turns out, yes, quid pro quo. Now, why did sondland decide to revise his statements to congress . According to him, incriminating testimony from other witnesses, like bill taylor, refreshed my recollection about certain conversations. as sondland huh, you know what, that testimony really refreshed the old noodle. It made me remember one important detail that i dont want to go to jail for perjury. I just bing specifically, sondland now recalls that he told a top ukrainian official that the country likely would not receive American Military aid that had been appropriated by Congress Unless it publicly committed to the investigations President Trump wanted. That is game, set, match. All she wrote. The fat lady has sung. Other sports metaphors i really dont understand goodbye, mr. Spaulding. Take the rock to the rim. Its over now, so drink that big black cow and get outta here cheers and applause thank you. Sondland clearly knew that the arrangement was wrong. In response to a question about pushing the ukrainians to investigate biden, he said, i believe i testified that it would be improper to do that. A congressperson followed up, and illegal, right . And sondland said, im not a lawyer, but i assume so. Well, lets check with the late shows legal analyst, max bialystok . Can we assume thats illegal . Assume away stephen now, we also got testimony from former special envoy to ukraine and paris tour guide spending way too much time talking to your wife, kurt volker. We already knew that the Trump Administration tried to insist that the ukrainian president make a public antibiden message, but now we know kurt volker texted to a top ukrainian official the script they wanted zelensky to read to announce the burismabiden 2016 election investigations. They sent over a damn script clears throat as zelensky ahem. According to this paper, i am not reading off of, we are going to investigate Sleepy Joe Biden and son of sleepy joe for bigly corruption and why the apprentice went so downhill when Arnold Schwarzenegger took over. laughter military aid now, please, please for. applause there was a weird moment as opposed to all the perfectly normal moments were having lately a weird moment where sondland described a dinner party in brussels. Sondland says, the president of poland was there. Jay leno was there. Mr. Kushner was there. The questioner asks, did zelensky, as a comedian, get along well with jay leno . And sondland answers, he was honored to meet him. Apparently, jay leno was his hero. Anndd. Im just being told that nbc has announced that jay leno is the new president of ukraine. Sorry, conan. Better luck next time thats not all the bad stuff. Theres also the testimony of former ambassador to ukraine and badass librarian, marie yovanovitch. Ukrainian officials warned her that Rudy Giuliani and his ukrainian cronies wanted to replace her as ambassador because they felt yovanovitch was hindering their push for investigations into biden and his son. And yovanovitch testified that she was warned to watch my back. Yeah, everyone around trump has to watch their back. Sadly, no one warned kurt suzuki. laughter now, yovanovitch jon come on, kurt, you gotta watch that. Stephen when youre a star, they let you do it. Yovanovitch also testified that she received calls from Senior State Department staff in the middle of the night telling her shed need to come home on the next plane, because they were concerned for her safety. But she later learned the real reason they were worried she would be fired by tweet. Oh, theres nothing worse than being fired by tweet, except maybe getting divorced by snap chat. Kind of cute, kind of cute. Last night, trump held a rally in kentucky to support Kentucky Governor and guy trying to get you to invest in his c. B. D. Energy drink, matt bevin. Bevin is up for reelection today, and he needs all the help he can get. H was the leastpopular governor in the united states. Kentucky hasnt had a leader this unpopular since governor jonathan foreheadvestigal twin von horse fondler. laughter at the rally at the rally, trump leaned in to bevins unpopularity. Now, he is difficult, i have to say. You know, maybe itll cost him the election, but its okay. Look, he is such a pain. Bit isnt that really what you want in a governor . applause thats what you want. He is such a pain in the ass, but thats what you want. applause stephen you know things you dont like . Dont you love them . But, hmmm, a pain in the ass that trump still wants you to vote for. Could he be talking about himself . Yes. Well, check out his new campaign ad campaign. President trump is changing washington. Creating six million new jobs. Obliterating isis. Hes no mr. Nice guy, but sometimes it takes a donald trump to change washington. Stephen and sometimes, when the lifeguard wants everyone out of the pool, he takes a dump right in the deep end. laughter hes no mr. Hygiene, but sometimes it takes a pool pooper to get the job done. Vote deep end turd 2020. Keep on swimming. but deep end turd. Come on in. The waters brown. laughter but reminding you how much you dont like him is just half of trumps reelection strategy. The other half is making the democrats seem even worse. The radical democrats are going totally insane. booing they want to obliterate the rule of law, drive out faith from the public square. Silence you online, confiscate your guns. Indoctrinate your children. Destroy anne who holds traditional american values. Erase our traditions, our culture, our history, and and our heroes. They want to subjugate you and break you to their will. Stephen as trump they want to bake a bald eagle into an apple pie and replace football with rap music. These radical democrats want to castrate truck nuts and make your dog a muslim. And on the fourth of july, theyre gonna force all of Mount Rushmore to gay marry each other. cheers and applause no, no. Its going to happen. Thats they want. Abes into it. Trump also went off on the media, complaining that they didnt give him enough credit for the raid that killed isis leader, abu bakr albaghdadi. They can take what we did two weeks ago with the numberone terrorist in the world, and they make it look as bad as possible. In fact, i love dogs, but they gave the dog full credit. They didnt give me any. Stephen the only one who gave that dog any credit was you youre the one who actually tweeted a photoshop of you awarding the dog a medal listen, look if you really wanted the credit, maybe you should have tweeted this photo cheers and applause thank you, conan. Conan, right . At one point, trump congratulated a nominee for Kentucky Attorney general and got a little distracted by his own words. Thank you, daniel. A star. A star is born. applause a star is born you ever see that movie . A star is born. Stephen as trump i love a star is born. to tune of shallow im off the deep end just read the transcript my favorite beef is ground i know theyre hidin dirt on joe biden were close to impeachment now cheers and applause its the final shot of the movie. The final shot of the movie. Audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen as you could see in that footage, many Trump Supporters were wearing tshirts last night that said read the transcript. We did read the transcript thats where we learned about trump pressuring ukraine this is like if Jeffrey Dahmer got arrested while wearing a tshirt that said, check the fridge. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Elizabeth banks is here. But when we return, meanwhile join us. Oh, come on. Flo dont worry. Youre covered. dramatic music and youre saving money, because you bundled home and auto. Sarah, get in the house. Were all here for you. All all day, all night. dramatic music great job speaking calmly and clearly everyone. Thats how you put a customer at ease. Hey, did anyone else hear weird voices while they were in the corn . No. No. Me either. Whispering voice jamie. What . Burrito. Raw kitfo fried shiso. Pork chop. Soda pop. Soursop. Hot pot. Scallop. Kebab. inhale brussels sprout. Sauerkraut. Freshcaught trout. Alfalfa sprout. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. We are americas kitchen. Whats the time . Device a dime is ten cents. Severe cold or flu . Take control with theraflu. Powerful, soothing relief to defeat your worst cold and flu symptoms fast. Device sneezes theraflu. The power is in your hands. Performance comes in lots of flavors. dramatic orchestra theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. vo i know what youre thinking. Electric, its not for you. And, youre probably right. Electric just doesnt have enough range. It will never survive the winter. Charging stations . Good luck finding one of those. So, maybe an electric car isnt for you after all. Or, is it . band playing cheers and applause stephen hey jon batiste and stay human, everybody. There you go there you go cheers and applause stephen good evening, my friend. Good evening. Jon, weve got i cant believe jon wow stephen im very surprised, i have never spoken to her before. We have the lovely and talented Elizabeth Banks here tonight. Jon, i have to say i really like the look tonight. Jon yeah. Stephen tell me the inspiration. Jon well, i washed my hair and its cold in here. laughter so stephen sure, yeah. Jon yeah stephen folks, you know, i spend a lot of time over there meditatively folding the days big stories into the flawless origami swan that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to gather the crumpled up failed attempts, slivers of paper trimming and discarded magazine pages, then cut and paste them into the unhinged ransom letter of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause . Stephen boom meanwhile, just when you least expect it meanwhile, Steve Easterbrook has been fired as c. E. O. Of mcdonalds after he engaged in a consensual relationship with an employee. You know, sometimes you need to look at the uneven power dynamic, acknowledge that this is a workplace, and just say to yourself mccdonalds jingle badabababa please stop me from lovin it speaking of mcdonalds, they are bringing back their retro happy meal toys. Its good news. But, sadly, that doesnt include the controversial mcbestos. laughter meanwhile, in space news, cookie dough and an oven are headed to the International Space station, which nasa says is important for science, because crew members may experience psychological and physiological benefits. Its all outlined in their groundbreaking new report, humans like cookies. laughter applause meanwhile cookies. Cookies. Meanwhile, theres some news oul cover in my longrunning meanwhile subsegment, flight attention. bell rings meanwhile, Delta Airlines has come under fire for censoring a nonnude lesbian sex scene in Olivia Wildes movie booksmart, and removing the words vagina and genitals and for showing a version of the elton john biopic rocketman without any references to elton john being gay. That version of rocketman is john wick. laughter applause meanwhile, the internet continues to innovate ways to make each other feel bad, and the latest sensation is to dismiss older people by saying, ok boomer, as in baby boomers. Its a pretty good diss. Still not as good as the boomer diss for millennials hey, weve permanently destroyed the housing market. Well, one new york radio host is getting dunked on by the internet after this tweet went viral for its gradea casual racism boomer is the nword of ageism. Being hip and flip does not make bigotry ok, nor is a derisive epithet acceptable because it is new. Okay beamer. Clearly cheers and applause technically im a boomer. Clearly, this fella needs to play the hot new game is this the new nword . No, its not. Thank you for playing. cheers and applause meanfinally, last night at the cowboysgiants game at metlife stadium, a cat ran onto the field and went viral for this run hes at the 30, the 25, the 20 hes at the 15 go go dont stop now keep on going go, go touchdown cheers and applause stephen and, that cat is now a Better Football Team than the jets. Well be right back with Elizabeth Banks. Youve tried so many moisturizers. But one blows them all out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and for body. Hydro boost body gel cream. Stop dancing around the pain so it bounces back. That keeps you up again, and again. Advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. Advil pm [music begins to play i fee lovoh. Am smith] for all the seasons greeters. Its so good for all the thanksgivers. Its so good for the gingerbread architects. And the midnight snackers. I feel love, for all the families,. Big,. Small,. Chosen,. And frozen. Love, whatever you give,. However you gather. Were thinking of you. Grab those command hooks and lets make it work. A wreath on every door, lights in every room, go all out because everything comes down damage free. Hallelujah command. Do. No harm. Tthe bad news . Our so will this recital. Day. Command. New depend® fitflex underwear offers your best comfort and protection guaranteed. Because, perfect or not, lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show there you go oh, ladies and gentlemen, folks, you know my first guest from pitch perfect, the hunger games, and 30 rock. Her latest film is charlies angels im kind of getting this, you know, you guys are, like, lady spies. And i just need you to explain who this guy is and why was he shooting at you . Oh, you. He was shooting at you. Me . Your file says you are a Systems Engineer on the calisto project. You know about calisto . We know about a lot of things. That you graduated from the top of your class at mitt. You think yellow is one of your colors when in fact it is no ones. You could be dating a lot more if you played up those cheek bones on your online profile pictures. What we dont know is why someone wants you dead. Stephen please welcome Elizabeth Banks applause hi hi wow stephen hello. Wooo stephen its lovely to meet you. Its nice to meet puupon i have never been here. This is beautiful, and youre all beautiful. cheers and applause . Stephen that is all of show business in one sentence. It is. Stephen and are you beautiful as well. Onk you. Stephen its a pleasure to have you here. Pretty much everybody here knows you as an actress and a veryed. But you do it all, baby. You produce, you direct, you t like, be behind the scenes . I came to it graduallyys in. Stephen anything id know . I directed what didirect . I directed some stoppard plays back in the day. Stephen sure. I even met tom once. Stephen get out. Hes my mick jagger. Stephen rosenstern . Yes, theyre dead, by the way. This is the do,iest conversation i have ever had on a talk show and i love it. Stephen it gets damn dorky, girl. It gets dorkykong. I came to it gradually. I really found that i was a little disillusioned as an actress. And i got some great advice from fellow actresses who sort of warned me about the industry. And i really just looked around and felt like the system was kind of rigged against me a little bit. And i wanted to get in there and dig around in the system. Stephen was there a particular, like, movie you did, and you went, okay, this is inspiring me to actually get behind the camera or direct . Wouldnt say it was more about the movies that werent happening, right, or the sthars werent getting told. And i do remember i was playing an elf in fred clause. Stephen santa claus brother. Its a classic story. Very classic. I was working with John Michael Higgins who became my costar in pitch perfect. And i was stuffing, like, fake boobs on every morning at 5 00 a. M. And going to set way bunch of russian Little People that they had hired to play the elves. And i just looked around and thought, maybe i have more to offer . I dont know. laughter maybe. Stephen you dont know. I dont know.