If you cant hear it, it didnt happen. Blaaaablaaaablaaaa its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight mission impeachable plus, stephen welcomes tim robbins. And journalist Nicolle Wallace. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello thanks, everybody. Thank you so much. Wonderful to have you all here. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Well applause its finally arrived, the first day of live impeachment hearings. cheers and applause its what weve been praying for since the beginning of the Trump Presidency the end of the Trump Presidency. laughter now, lets not get ahead of ourselves here. Washington being what it is, who knows whats going to happen. But ill tell you all about it in tonights very special edition of don and the giant impeach. Oh, please stephen i like that one. I like that one a lot. Todays live testimony was as dramatic as it was historic. It was the biggest ratings hit for cspan 3 since drunk history starring brett kavanaugh. laughter applause i like it. Two solids right there. The star witness was acting ambassador to ukraine and grandpa telling you whippersnappers to knock off the horseplay, bill taylor. Taylor had testified behind closed doors that he was very concerned about the withholding of military aid from ukraine. But the bombshell today was something he hadnt testified to before. Heres a little background on it. Republicans say, survival strategy will be to try to distance President Trump from any ukraine quid pro quo, with Rudy Giuliani potentially going under the bus. You cannot throw Rudy Giuliani under the bus. He already lives under the bridge. How do you get the bus down there . Offramp . I dont know. So heres the deal trump didnt know nothing about the pressure to investigate biden. But today, taylor said this last friday, a member of my staff told me of events that occurred on july 26. In the presence of my staff, at a restaurant, ambassador sondland called President Trump and told him of his meetings in kiev. The member of my staff could hear President Trump on the phone asking ambassador sondland about the investigations. Stephen so, this staffer overheard trump asking about a foreign nation investigating his political opponent. Thats like if they had a picture of nixon breaking into the watergate. laughter taylor continued following the call with President Trump, the member of my staff asked ambassador sondland what President Trump thought about ukraine. Mr. Sondland responded that. President trump cares more about the investigations of biden, which giuliani was pressing for. Stephen as taylor he also emphasized that President Trump cared more the investigations of biden than he did about his son eric, who the president described as the teeth one. laughter shen, schiff followed up on the overheard phone call. And as your staff related the event to you, your staff member could overhear mr. Sondland on the phone could overhear the president on the phone with mr. Sondland. Is that right . Thats correct. So the president must have been speaking loud enough on the phone. This was a cell phone, i take it . It was a cell phone. The president must have been speaking loud enough for your staff member to be able to overhear this . It was. Stephen as trump yelling ok, this is very sensitive information. I want ukraine to investigate my political opponent wait. Am i am i on speaker phone . Why not . I want the waiter to hear this i would like dirt on joe biden and fully loaded nachos cheers and applause oh, i forgot the garlic knots. Taylors testimony was damning when it came to trumps insistence on getting a public announcement about investigating the bidens. Everything was dependent on the public announcement of investigations, including security assistance. President trump wanted president zelensky in a public box. Stephen as trump would you, could you in a box . Would you, could you live on fox . laughter will you give me dirt on joe . Will you do the quid pro quo. cheers and applause taylor testified that there were two groups running Foreign Policy in ukraine a regular channel and an irregular channel led by Rudy Giuliani. And over time, he grew concerned. I began to sense that the two decisionmaking channels the regular and irregular were separate and at odds. Later that day, i received Text Messages on a threeway whatsapp. Stephen its weird to hear that guy say whatsapp. as taylor i received a text message on whatsapp. It was a gif of a tiktok of a toddler dancing to iggy azalea. It was so extra. Have you heard the new king princess album . Its lit. Hundo p. Taylor also gave some insight into the way trump justified his own actions. President trump told ambassador sondland he was not asking for a quid pro quo. But President Trump did insist that president zelensky go to a microphone and say he is opening investigations of biden and 2016 election interference, and that president zelensky should want to do this himself. Stephen trumps kind of sounding like a needy girlfriend right there. as trump no, i dont want to meet your parents. I want you to want me to meet your parents. Also, do your parents have any dirt on joe biden . Taylor went on ambassador sondland tried to explain to me that President Trump is a businessman. When a businessman is about to sign a check to someone who owes him something, the businessman asks that person to pay up before signing the check. Ambassador volker used the same language several days later. I argued to both that the explanation made no sense. Stephen yeah. It makes no sense. Theres only one thing trump cuts a check for. Oh, my god, did he have sex with ukraine . Did he get spanked by ukraine . cheers and applause taylor wasnt the only witness. He was joined by Senior State Department official george kent, who watched taylors impassioned testimony like this. Heres my advice, young people find someone who looks at you the way george kent looks at william taylor. laughter kent made it clear just who was calling the shots in our ukraine policy. It became clear to me that giulianis efforts to gin up politically motivated investigations were now affecting u. S. Engagement with ukraine. Stephen and if theres anything Rudy Giuliani knows how to do, its gin up. Also, vodka up. laughter after 45 minutes of questioning, adam schiff asked kent and taylor the one question we were all dying to hear would you gentleman like a brief recess . Stephen ah ah sure . Oops. Jinx owe me a coke i got the monkey bars when it was the republicans turn, devin nunes hammered home one message this was all a big show being directed by the democrats. The witnesses deemed suitable for television by the democrats were put through a closed door audition process. as nunes they required these witnesses to sing both a ballad and an uptempo number. I nailed surrey with the fringe on top. how come im not testifying . Thank you. Then applause jon that was good. I liked that you did that. Stephen then it came time for questions from g. O. P. Staff attorney and guy at the gym judging how much you can squat, steve castor. Castor seemed to have a Clear Strategy keep bringing up a bunch of insane debunked republican conspiracy theories. In the Information Published by sergey luschenko about the manafot black ledgers in august of 2016, i mean, the very day that was published, mr. Manafort resigned from the campaign, correct . I dont know, mr. Castor. But certainly that gives rise to some concerns that the ukraine establishment were out to get the president , and that is a very reasonable belief of his, correct . I i dont know. I dont know, sir. Mr. Castor, i dont know. Stephen as lawyer mr. Taylor, can you verify where barack obama was born . Is Hillary Clinton her own stunt double . Was hunter biden paid 50,000 a month by burisma to spray the chem trails that are turning my dog gay . Why else is my dog humping my leg, sir correct . laughter in a followup question, castor tried to clarify kind of. It wasnt really clear. The runup to the 2016 election, theres many facts that remain unresolved, agreed . I am sorry. Whats the question . laughter stephen the question is, is it not true that there are still unknown things in this world . Is there is there a loch ness monster . Where did they bury jimma hoffa . Why did i say jima hoffa instead of jimmy hoffa . Why do men have nipples . Jima hoffa. Jima hoffa. applause according to castor, the president of ukraine was really into meeting with giuliani. But the way zelensky states it here, it sounds like he is very much looking forward to speaking with americas mayor. Stephen oh, everyone looks forward to meeting pete buttigieg. Hes delightful. cheers and applause just so nice. Jon thats a good guy stephen after, that representatives were given five minutes of questioning each, and g. O. P. Representative mike turner had a novel approach to his questioning. Ambassador you testified about a number of things that you heard. Isnt it possible that the things that you heard were not true . You could be wrong, correct . And they could be wrong, or they could be mistaken . Right . So you could be wrong. Stephen so thats their best argument . Maybe there is no reality. Uh, maybe everything is just an illusion created by an evil genius to deceive us about the nature of the universe. Maybe were all stardust where there is no up or down or right or wrong or high crimes or misdemeanors. Thin, then, republican nothing can be known nothing can be known. Then representative representative John Ratcliffe shared this ironclad defense of trumps ukraine call. What did president zelensky actually do to get the aid . The answer is nothing. He did nothing. He didnt open any he didnt call attorney general bill barr. He didnt do any of the things that House Democrats say that he was being forced and coerced and threatened to do. Stephen so trump got caught before he could force zelensky to do it. He failed, but the fact that hes a bad criminal doesnt make it not a crime. Because if being bad at something makes you not that thing, then trump is not a Business Owner or a husband. Then cheers and applause then all over the place. Just black ice. Then Democrat Eric swalwell had some technical difficulties when he tried to play a clip of mick mulvaney. Ambassador taylor, i would like you to listen to what he said. Ill read it for you. laughter stephen thats embarrassing. Jim, can we see that clip again . laughter lets just move on. Lets just move on. The real republican attack dog was ohio congressman and americas assistant wrestling coach, jim jordan. Jordan kept calling for the whistleblower to testify, because he said he wanted to talk to the guy who started it all. But he was shut down by vermonts peter welch. I say to my colleague, i would be glad to have the person who started it all come in and testify. President trump is welcome to take a seat right there. laughter cheers and applause jon ooooooooooon h stephen is this on . Thank you, ill be here all week, seriously. This is never going to end. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Tim robbins is here. But when we return, donald trump talks turkey. Stick around. paul switch to sprint and get the new iphones everyone is talking about. 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Meeting with bastion of liberty turkish strongman recep erdogan, seen here failing to raise the roof. You all may remember that a few weeks ago, trump agreed to allow the turkish army to attack our kurdish allies in syria after talking to erdogan on the phone or as trump calls it perfect phone call 2 2 perfect 2 phone. Well, today, trump invited erdogan to join him for an official squat in front of reporters in a brandnew episode of chair chat. Stephen right off the bean, trump got to what mattered most. First lady, thank you very much. And i know you are going to stephen as trump now lets get to the real issues what are you gonna order . Are you getting apps for the whole table . Because if so, order twice as much calamari as you think you need. The president was asked about the impeachment hearings. I did not watch it. Im too busy to watch it. Its a witch hunt. Its a hoax. Im too busy to watch it. Stephen no, youre not laughter for petes sake, you live tweeted sean spicer on dancing with the stars. You didnt even skip the commercials later, trump and president erdogan held a joint press conference. Trump got things off to a great start by mispronouncing president erdogans name. Last month, i sent Vice President pence, secretary of state pompeo is with us. National security advisor obrien, thank you to meet with pre laughr stephen as trump yes, were so excited to meet with mr. Erdogahn, president of tofurkey. laughter its my honor to have you here at white castle. laughter he seems tired. When it was question time, trump was asked for his thoughts on todays impeachment hearings. Do you feel that democrats made their case . And how did you feel about the republicans performance . Are you talking about the witch hunt . Is that what you mean . Is that what youre talking about . I hear that it is a joke. Stephen its actually a knockknock joke. Ready . Knock, knock. Audience whos there stephen whistleblower. Audience whistleblower who . Stephen it doesnt matter who all the testimony says youre guilty applause trump may not have watched the testimony, but he got a report from his friends in the room. But i heard just a report. They said its all thirdhand information. Nothing direct at all. It cant be direct, because i never said it. Stephen as trump it was all thirdhand. It was all hearsay. It was like a big game of telephone, because i used a telephone to ask ukraine to investigate joe biden. Trump was also asked about that bombshell revelation from todays testimony, where bill taylors aide overheard a phone call of trump asking about the ukraine investigation. I know nothing about that. First time i have heard it. I have never heard this. I have never heard it. I dont recall. No, not at all, not even a little bit. Stephen as trump not even a little bit. I dont recall a thing. My brain is as empty as a theme park in january. Just old popcorn bags and broken stroller wheels rolling around up there. Well be right back with tim robbins. applause at complex balances skins microbiome. So skin looks like this and you feel like this. Aveeno® skin relief. Get skin healthy™ o ozempic® oh oh announcer people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential of onceweekly ozempic®. In a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7 and maintained it. Oh under 7 . In the same oneyear study, and you may lose weight. Adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. Oh up to 12 pounds . announcer a twoyear study showed that ozempic® does not increase the risk of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. Oh no increased risk . announcer ozempic® should not be the first medicine for treating diabetes, or for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. Do not share needles or pens. Dont reuse needles. 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