Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 13, 2024

cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, i pity the juul. And the stephen goes adventuring in new zealand. Plus, stephen welcomes daniel craig and lena waithe featuring jon batiste and stay human. Inor city, its steph col cheers and applause stephen come on hi oh, what a week come on come on please have a seat, everybody, thank you so much. Please sit down sit down, everybody thank you very much. Welcome to the late show. It is friday. You can feel it. You can feel it. And today congress got a muchneeded break from the impeachment hearings. Theyve gone home to celebrate thanksgiving, where im sure no one will argue about impeachment. Trump also got a break. Surprisingly, it was a smoke break, because today trump met with members of the vaping industry. Now, you might remember a while back, trump surprised everyone by announcing that he would be banning flavored ecigarettes. We have a problem in our country. Its a new problem. Its a problem nobody really thought about too much a few years ago, and its called vaping especially vaping as it pertains to innocent children. And theyre coming home, and theyre saying, mom, i want to vape. laughter . Stephen yeah, thats what they say. Thats exactly thats exactly what they say. Its a classic rebel kid move asking for permission. Mom, i want to vape. Also, i want to have unprotected sex, and when youre out of town, i was thinking about throwing a huge rager where somebody breaks grandesurn over there. If you could get back to me on that asap, thatd be great. Now this is very personal, this issue applause im not sure what were applauding, but thank you this issue is very personal for trump. Its an issue that affects his family. We cannot allow people to get sick, and we cannot have our youth be so affected. And im hearing it, and that is how the first lady got involved. Shes got a son together that is a beautiful young man, and she feels very strongly about it. Stephen as trump now, i havent spent as much time with her son, together, as id like. When he was born, i was in a very stormy situation, very stormy time. cheers and applause it was a storm i just had to ride out. Jon oh stephen this this was an important issue for the first lady. This was a personal project of hers. And trumps vape ban was a so, naturally, he broke it, because this week, he reversed course on the ban due to concerns that hed anger his supporters and eliminate vapingrelated jobs. That is an interesting approach to public health. as trump well, i was going to stop the children from inhaling poison, but then i thought, what about the poor poison salesmen who make their living poisoning children . How are they gonna feed their poisoned kids . It wasnt just the threat of job losses out there, though. Apparently, trump was shaken by protesters at his rally. And these protesters were really something. Heres an actual photo of a group of them, demonstrating for. Im not entirely sure. Well, trump might soon want to disappear in a fog of mangoflavored poison mist himself, because were learning more about what went on behind the scenes in his scheme to get ukraine to investigate the bidens specifically, the role of Rudy Giulianis associates, lev parnas and igor fruman, the ursulas eels of the ukraine investigation. laughter applause . Jon oh, wow wow cheers and applause stephen worth it. 100 . Now, trump has denied knowing who these two guys are, which is odd, because we just learned that parnas and fruman were guests last year at the white houses annual hanukkah party, or as trump calls it as trump little hat candle christmas. laughter oh, candle christmas visitors, why are your hats so tiny . laughter utev and ig got v dure pa parnas and fruman slipped out to have a private meeting with the president and giuliani though, i know, it sounds bad. Though, it is a hanukkah party. Maybe they went off to play a highstakes game of dreidel. as trump this is the first casino ive been to where they dont judge me for eating the coins. laughter but some people applause jon recollections, recollections. Stephen come on but it might not have been so innocent after all, because after he met with trump, lev parnas told two of his buddies he was on a secret mission to pressure the Ukrainian Government to investigate joe biden, like some sort of james bond mission. Yes, a james bond mission. The one thing you dont want in a spy is someone excited to tell everyone theyre a spy. laughter my names james bond, and im a spy heres my license to kill. Well, its a learners permit right now. Dont look at the picture. I have a tuxedo on under my wet suit, and its really binding in the crotch cheers and applause of course, a ton of people are out there running to replace donald trump. And ill tell you the latest in tonights doin it donkey style. Okay, boomer stephen first up, former south bend mayor pet mayor pete has been surging into the lead in iowa, thanks in large part to support among older voters, all because of his new slogan vote for pete hell set up your internet. laughter applause but but jon thats a good one stephen but theres one key demo mayor pete has bee struggling with, and thats African American voters. So hes been trying to reach out to them. On his campaign website, he introduced a Racial Equality Initiative called the douglass plan, along with this nice photo of an africanamerican mother and son. Just one problem the photo was actually taken in kenya. Yes. Thats a move known as the reverse obama. The campaign has taken the photo down and apologized. But theyre still excited about their outreach to other communities like voters from new england; latinamericans; and, of course, the l. G. B. T. Community. laughter applause mmmm mmmm i could go for an l. G. B. T. Right now on toast. Next up on doin it d, theres a new candidate in the race former Massachusetts Governor and im going to say captain on that new star trek show depaick. Patrick recently threw his hat into the ring thats already more hat than ring. This week, he held an event at a historically black morehouse college, and a reporter tweeted this photo, saying, an organizer with the college who planned the event told cnn that patrick cancelled the event when he arrived and learned that he would not have an audience. It seems sad. I know, it seems sad. But look closer, and youll see there was one eager attendee a welldressed headless torso just out of curiosity, is that headless torso running for president . Because after that last debate, it seems like having no mouth would be a huge advantage. laughter now, the event cheers and applause the event the event for patrick wasnt a total wash. The tweet goes on to say note two people came, not pictured. Oh, oh, no. As a former struggling actor, i can tell you two people in the audience is way worse than zero people in the audience. If no one comes, you can say, hey, must have had the wrong time on the poster but if two people show, you have to spend hours giving them the worst date of their lives. laughter now, there are things going on in the country besides the election. For instance, the entire state of south dakota just made this stunning admission in their new drugawareness campaign meth were on it. laughter thats bold jon thats a catch phrase. Stephen thats a bold campaign. I did not realize meth was that big of a problem in south dakota. Jim, can we take a look at Mount Rushmore . Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah, seek help. Jon oh, man stephen riding to the defense of the Meth Campaign is south dakota governor and woman trying to have all the hairstyles at once, krist noem, who insists the campaign was successful pss is ress, which inspired south dakotas new slogan all meth is good meth. laughter mr. Daniel craig is here but, first, i embrace the spirit of adventure on the Southern Island of new zealand its great. And my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby needs somebody Everybody Needs somebody to love someone to love someone to love i got a little message for you. When you have that somebody, hold on to them, give them all your love. Wherever they are i need you, you, you i need you, you, you i need you, you, you i need you, you, you groans hmph. food grunting menacingly when the food you love doesnt love you back, stay smooth and fight heartburn fast with tums smoothies. Tum tumtum tum tums band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human happy friday happy friday, jon. Jon happy friday stephen happy friday. You know, usually i want the week to be over. Not this week. Its been amazing. This is my new zealand week. Plus tonight one of my favorite guests. Daniel craig will be out here in just a moment. Jon bond himself stephen folks, all week ive been sharing my amazing trip to new zealand. It feels like i was there just yesterday. And thanks to the time difference, i think im still there tomorrow. It was an incredible experience that we captured in our series the lets show presents, Stephen Colbert the newest zealander. Stephen what a week its been. Prime minister picked me up at the airport, i hung out with xena warrior princess, i played rugby, i made a movie with peter jackson, and i got drunk and fistfought a hobbit. The only thing i didnt film on my trip to new zealand was my actual trip to new zealand on Air New Zealand. In fact, heres me in the airport with my sleep mask, my neck pillow, and my carryon full of Invasive Plant species. laughter Air New Zealand was amazing, and starting in 2020, theyll be offering nonstop flights from new york to auckland. Which reminds me. as pilot ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Please remain in your seats as we just hit a small patch of mild product placement. bell rings . Stephen we have some new zealand fine wine here. Would you like the new zealand red or the new Zealand White . Stephen yes. Thank you. cheers and applause mmm. Mmm. Try the rose. laughter and while its now easier than ever to get there, the hard part is deciding between all the incredible experiences you can have in new zealand. Tonight, i present my last and perhaps greatest day trying to have every experience at once. Jim . Stephen new zealand. The small island nation is packed with a stunning variety of landscapes. Nowhere else on the planet, can you see the Southern Alps, active volcanoes, breathtaking waterfalls, expansive green valleys, remote sandy beaches, and dazzling mountaintop glaciers, all within the square milage of colorado. I wanted to experience this Natural Beauty firsthand and hopefully untap some of my inner rugged manliness but im not a big fan of walking. So i met up with helicopter pilot choppy, who took me out to explore the majesty of the south island. Why did you want to be a helicopter pilot . I started flyin airplanes. And then i joined Air New Zealand and flew passenger planes for a while. Like, 55cs and fokker fokkers, i think theyre called. Stephen we cant say fokker on cbs. Its got two ks in it. Stephen oh, got two ks . Were good. I might take this little gap on the left. Stephen all right. I told choppy i was up for adventure, so she brought me over to the kawarau bridge, the birthplace of bungee jumping. Okay. Thats the bungee bridge . Choppy landed on a dime, and i met henry van ash who, along with a. J. Hackett, pioneered bungee jumping on this very bridge. There are no natural predators in new zealand, so kiwis brag that they had to invent their own ways to almost die. That it . Here you go. Theres your future right there, stephen. Stephen and just cards on the table im not a huge fan of heights or drops really. Whats it like . Your heads going to be exploding with excitement, and your heart will be leaping out of your chest with first of all, fear cause youre obviously really scared now, which is natural stephen yeah, i am i am i am scared. Im scared. Will smith was on the show, and he bungee jumped recently, and he said, i had to do it. I had to overcome my fear. I upon going to ask will about bungee jumping because im going to n have to. Stephen. I man poison. Poison. Poison. Stephen so i headed to the bridge to face my fears, and fear won. Choppy andy i headed back out to the wakatipu basin. The thing about new zealand it feels like it just rose out of the sea. Theres such vitality in the land. I feel like i have to stay here and here ill be a man. How manual do i appear to you, choppy . I think youre on the manleyer side of nonmanly. Stephen im identifiably male. Correct. Thank you. We met up at a shepstation, where i met john foster to learn how to sheer sheep. Look at that. Perfect. Stephen is it always shearing . Or do you ever do, like, brazilian waxing . No. Stephen no, never wax . Its very hard to actually get hold of the wax afterwards. Stephen okay, how do we do it . So what ill do is ill start the hard left. Well open the fleece up. And then you can shear the last half of the sheep. Give him give him a handshake. Stephen ah. There you go. You look fabulou with an important kiwi skill successfully under my belt, we headed to the rugged and remote west coast of the south island, where i met warrick, a wilderness guide, lobster hunter, and im pretty sure tallest guy in new zealand. So, warrick, i really love your country, and im trying to figure out whether i could be a kiwi, you know . What do you do . Im a wilderness guide. Stephen a wilderness guide. Well, theres a lot of it here. What are you gonna do today . What are what are we doing . Diving for red rock lobster. Stephen youre going to dive for a lobster. Yeah. Stephen quick question are there sharks out there . Look, there are sharks anywhere in the ocean. Im not too worried. Stephen what do sharks eat, warrick . Seals . Stephen okay. The you know what you look like in the flippers and the outfit. Yo seal. So youre going to go out there looking like a seal in sharkinfested waters to grab a spiny bug the size of a football. And that thats a job that that people have down here. Yeah. Stephen im in. Why dont you why dont you show me how to do it . Yup. Stephen excellent. Please. All right. Yup, yup, come on. Stephen no, you go on. You show me how, and then ill ill be next. Yeah, go on, man. Whoo. This is what im gonna do. laughter compared to hand fishing seemed reasonable. So i sucked it up and gave it one more shot. Are you ready . Stephen yeah. I think i think this is as close as im going to get. I just need you to put your feet here, so we can tie you up. Stephen okay. I just thought to myself, what would my good friend will smith say . Your job for the human race is to conquer the fear that poisons your dreams, stephen. See you on the other side, stephen. Stephen lets go. Okay. Thats the one. Stephen, were ready when you are. Stephen am i there . Little bit further, please, stephen. Nearly there. Thats awesome. Hands off of this one. Eyes up on the bridge. Five, four, three, two, one. cheers and applause stephen wow. That really looks like i jumped off a bridge. That was actually my showrunner, chris. He really wanted me to jump, but i really was not interested, so i made him spray paint his hair, dress up like me, and jump instead. Yeah, to hell with that. laughter instead, choppy and i flew out to the Southern Alps and up and over the richardson mountains. I said up and over okay, this is way closer than i want to be. Is there somewhere in this helicopter i could change my underwear . laughter so these are all glaciers. Stephen there are very few places in the world where you can still see this many glaciers, let alone land on one. So choppy set us down for a onceinalifetime experience. Choppy, thank you for taking me up here. I mean, it really is a privilege to see your country and to to be at the top of the world here. And i have to say that it its more than beautiful. This experience is absolutely spiritual. Whoo applause stephen choppy choppy, how long have you been flying up into these mountains with these glaciers . Jeepers, over 40 years now. Stephen what was it like 40 years ago . I mean, were there were there more glaciers back then . A lot more glaciers, and they ran right down into the valleys. But now theyve receded back, pieces have fallen off, and the suns hitting the black rocks and accelerating their demise. Stephen is it bad for me to be up here on it, because im so smoking hot . laughter you know about bungee jumping, right . I do. Stephen my starch wants me to bungee jump. I guess they dont understand that if i die, no one has jobs. Because what if something happens to me when i bungee jump, choppy . I suppose it would have an effect on the bungee jumping companys business for a couple of weeks. Stephen couple of weeks . Couple of weeks . Really . That long . Tell me what its like to do, because ive already ive already said no several times. Well, its sort of, like, you dive down, and youre like, no. And then you feel the rubber band take your weight, and youre like foo foo foo, that was good. Then you come up again, and it goes, whoa oh oh. Stephen theres no part of that that sounds appealing to me. When i get into so you feel like, oh, im going to die . Correct. Stephen okay. Its the beginning im afraid of. Its that first step. Its terrifying. Stephen okay, okay. Choppy, would you mind if i had a moment alone with the glacier . I wanted to say a proper goodbye while i still had the chance. Well, bring a camera. Its a tv show, come on. Ahhhh heres to you, old friend. Well see you later, on the beaches of ohio. laughter bleep it, lets go bungee. Five, four, three, two, one. Stephen yeah cheers and applause stephen oh, my god. Oh, my god. Well, thats a wrap for new zealand. Its the most beautiful country in the world with the nicest people. And gravity works here, too. Well see you back in new york. Kia ora. Thank you, choppy and thank you to everyone in new zealand well be right back with daniel craig. Dont miss kohls. Friends family sale take an extra 25 off save on family jammies. Womens sweaters 22. 50 and under. And kitchen electrics. Plus snap a free picture with santa this sunday . Youll find new gifts at every turn this holiday at kohls. May your holidays glow bright and all your dreams take flight. Lease the c 300 sedan for just 399 a month at the mercedesbenz winter event. Hurry in today. Gnocchis. S. Raviolis. And them smokeys. Curry. Fried turkey. Cacciatori. Chimichurri. Berry. Mcflurry. mcdonalds half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. And them baby back baby backs. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Select

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