Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Stephen welcomes congressman adam schiff and musical guest Sharon Van Etten with norah jones. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen come on hey its the Holiday Season, thats what it is thats what it is cheers and applause oh, my goodness welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The big story continues to be Donald Trumps allergic reaction to the constitution, and tonight, ill stab you with the epipen of fun in the latest installment of don and the giant impeach. cheering i have the right to do whatever i want as president. Stephen today, the House Judiciary Committee debated whether to send two articles of impeachment to the house floor. But first, they spent hours proposing highly specific and asinine amendments. Like one from florida congressman and humanhangover hybrid, matt gaetz. booing gaetz argued that democrats are focused on the wrong biden. This amendment strikes the reference to joe biden as the center of the proposed investigation and replaces it with the true topic of the investigation, burisma and hunter biden. Its a little hard to believe that burisma hired hunter biden to resolve their international disputes, when he could not resolve his own dispute with hertz rental car over leaving cocaine and a crack pipe in the car. Stephen wow. Wow. Listen, ive got to say, i feel sorry for whoever got that car after hunter biden. laughter you know how much they charge if you return the crack pipe unfilled . laughter pretty ballsy for a congressman to bring that up when he was arrested for d. U. I. In 2008. audience reacts now, you might not have known that, but georgias hank johnson did. The pot calling the kettle black is not something that we should do. laughter i dont know what members, if any, have had any problems with substance abuse, been busted in a d. U. I. , i dont know, but if i did, i wouldnt raise it against anyone on this committee. cheers and applause stephen wow. Wow that is a master class in passive aggressiveness i wouldnt want to say anything negative about a certain member because hes such a fragile little bitchyboy. But laughter i yield back the remairpd of my time. The Judiciary Committee tried to wrap things up at a reasonable hour because there was a Congressional Ball at the white house at 7 00 tonight, and a number of judiciary members particularly republicans were expected to attend. We have to get to the ball we have to get to the ball before the president turns into a pumpki ah, shoot. Too late. laughter too late, i forgot. We have to get to the ball cheers and applause some day if the articles of impeachment do pass the house, trump would stand trial in the senate early in the new year. And one senator says, the trial would take approximately two weeks in january and would feature no witnesses. Oh, thats going to be some compelling television. laughter reminds me of the famous courtroom scene from a few good men. Do you have an answer . laughter id like an answer to the question, judge. Did you order the code red . laughter stephen wow, hes good. Cruz doesnt need an acting partner. Thats how good he is. Jon yeah stephen now, the president s putting a brave face on in public, but impeachment seems to be getting to trump. Aides say he has appeared distracted and unfocused during conversations. Yes, distracted and unfocused unlike the old lacerfocused donald trump. as trump my fellow americans, i come to you tonight to announce that american Ground Forces are hey theres a guy i know anyway, china, give me dirt on joe biden. Bing bing, bong bong flush your toilet 15 times. Good night. cheers and applause but its not just impeachment thats getting on his nerves. Its why hes being impeached. One adviser said, frankly, i think hes a little surprised its the ukraine thing thats done it. Yeah, me, too after all the shady deals hes been involved in, he gets tripped up by a phone call . Trump getting impeached for ukraine is like paul newman winning an oscar for the color of money. He definitely deserves it, but it shouldve happened way earlier. cheers and applause piano riff trump is also annoyed at how impeachment is playing out on tv. Hes reportedly fixated on how the news media is portraying him, with one adviser saying, the coverage bugs him. as trump i dont get it. Why does the media always paint me as the bad guy . Anyway, somebody photoshop me to look like thanos. laughter there is some good news out there. Always nice when you see something nice happen to a nice person. Yesterday, Time Magazine named their person of the year, and this year its 16yearold activist, greta thunberg, seen there it is. cheers and applause thats nice. Seen here being better than you. laughter thunberg became an International Celebrity this year for calling on World Leaders to step up when it comes to Climate Change, like this. How do you respond to the fact that basically nothing is being done about this without feeling the slightest bits of anger . I should be back in school on the other side of the ocean, yet you all come to us young people for hope. How dare you. Im here today to say our house is on fire. My name is greta thunberg. I am 16 years old. I come from sweden. And i want you to panic. Stephen my name is Stephen Colbert, im 55 years old, and im way ahead of you, sister. laughter applause cheering piano riff this year, the finalists for person of the year included the hong kong protesters, the whistleblower, nancy pelosi, and donald trump. So trump lost to a 16yearold girl. But hes been on the cover multiple times before, was magnanimous in defeat, and he congratulated her, saying she deserved the honor. Just kidding. laughter he tweeted, so ridiculous. Greta must work on her anger management problem, then go to a good oldfashioned movie with a friend chill, greta, chill booing first of all, teens dont go to movies anymore. They stay home and tik tok their vape pens on fortnite. laughter i dont know. Teenagers scare me. Also, remember, thunberg is from sweden, so a good oldfashioned movie there is probably something called the saw makers widow, thats just four hours of Max Van Sydow staring at a broken clock. laughter but, since thunberg is swedish, let me put this in culturally appropriate terms mr. President , go fjuk yourself. cheers and applause which piano riff which piano riff which i can say on cbs because fjuk is an island in sweden. Its lovely. They have a lighthouse. And you know where to stick it. cheers and applause piano riff but thunberg doesnt need my help, because she clapped back to trumps tweet by changing her twitter bio to a teenager working on her anger management problem. Currently chilling and watching a good oldfashioned movie with a friend. Yeah yeah cheers and applause fjuk yeah again, look it up. Its an island. They have a sunken steamboat that you can see partially sticking up from the water. Thats evidently a plus. They advertise it. laughter then, adding insult to injury to my retinas, trumps team tweeted a photoshopped image of the time cover with trumps head on gretas body. audience reacts thats horrifying. But im guessing not the first time trump has forced himself onto a young woman. audience reacts oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Jon oh, my stephen joke is based on true story. laughter trump is doing whatever he can to not think about impeachment. Last night, he threw a white house Hanukkah Party. Oh, he must have been so excited. as trump let me get this straight every night, youre religiously obligated to eat fried potatoes . And you have to wear tiny hats that cover your bald spots . Then smear me with cream cheese. Im in. laughter applause one guest of honor was fox news personality and cat looking you dead in the eyes as it bats that microphone right off the table, mark levin. Heres how trump introduced levin. We have a man that i have, by the way, Great Respect mark levin. Where is mark levin . applause what a show. Where is mark . Where is mark . Hes over here. Lee, send him up here, will you, please . Mark, come on up. Come on up here. Mark, the great mark levin. What a show. Come on, mark, wherever you may be. Where are you . I saw him. Is that mark . Come on, mark. Get your way up. applause make a path. Mark, i dont know how come on. Come on. Come on up, mark. Hes so big. Right, mark . Come on over. Stephen wait, you say you saw mark levin in the crowd . Thats not possible mark levin. Has been dead for 30 years laughter he never escaped that steamboat when it sunk off the coast of fjuk island. laughter trump was sure to give his wife cheers and applause piano riff trump was sure to give his wife credit for her contribution to hanukkah. I want to thank our great first lady. Shes done the most Incredible Christmas decorations. cheers and applause stephen oh, no he forgot which holiday theyre celebrating. as trump i especially like that christmas candelabra with eight candles. Its your birth day, jesus. Blow them out and make a wish. laughter anyway, were finally saying Merry Christmas again. This angry santa with the black fedora knows what im talking about. laughter trump also invited Television Pastor and 64yearold 12yearold, robert jeffress. Fun fact about pastor jeffress that might be relevant in this context hes previously said that jews are going to hell. Pastor, theyre at a Hanukkah Party with you and donald trump. Theyre already in hell. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Representative adam schiff is here. When we return, meanwhile join us. cheers and applause band playing wo cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause jon, was that a jazzy carol of the bells, is that what that was . Jon yes, thats what that was. Stephen i love that. Very nice. Jon its that time of the year. Weve got to do it our way. Stephen have you done any of your Christmas Shopping yet . Jon i havent done it. Ive got to get in the flow. Stephen i do, too. Its focus. My heart has to go into it or else im just buying everybody Gift Certificates from starbucks. Jon and they can tell. Stephen they can tell. John, speaking of ringing the bells, ring the loudest bells and let everybody know, tonight, we have congressman adam schiff will be out here in just a little moment. cheers and applause an historic day. An historic evening. Jon very historic. Stephen got so much to talk about. I want to know what he thinks of the new star wars. laughter you know, speaking of which, i spend most of my time right over there, harvesting the biggest, most beautiful news wheat to craft into the gorgeous artisanal bread loaf that is my monologue. But sometimes, i forget a slice on the counter, where it develops mold, which contaminates a nearby topical petri dish, which i scrape out then sequester the fungus in isolation tanks, then purify it to make the penicillin of news that is my segment meanwhile stephen or words to that effect. What are you, a judge . Meanwhile, good news for anyone who doesnt feel like cooking this Holiday Season a company in the u. K. Is selling christmas dinner in a can. audience reacts its perfect for anyone whos ever said, i wish my food looked more like a core sample. laughter as you can see from the cross section, each layer of the canned meal contains a different course. It has everything scrambled egg and bacon, two mince pies, turkey and potatoes, gravy, bread sauce, cranberry sauce, Brussel Sprouts or broccoli with stuffing, roast carrots and parsnips, and christmas pudding. And if you eat your way all the way to the bottom, theres a special prize confronting what youve become. laughter cheers and applause piano riff meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrows lifestyle brand just released its holiday ad, and its gooptastic. The holidays are here. Because they never turn out how you imagine, you must cherish the joy of getting ready. First, put on a record to set the mood. Oh, yeah. Do everything in slow motion. Make this feeling last. Stephen that feeling . Being creeped out by this disembodied british voice. Slower, gwyneth, take your time. How did i get in your house . Dont worry about it. Or if you must worry. Do it slowly. laughter but the moment getting the most attention is the ads ode to selfcare. Emphasis on the self. Do something for others, but dont forget about number one. Yes, that is a vibrator. audience reacts laughter stephen first of all, the salesman told me that was a back massager. laughter secondly, taking the good stuff for yourself is not in the spirit of christmas gwyneth have the people at goop never read the holiday classic how the grinch stole sex toys . Meanwhile, researchers have discovered that plants may let out ultrasonic squeals when stressed. Finally, something to throw in the faces of all your smug vegan friends. You hear that, safronwithonef . Thats the sound of your kale begging for mercy on the way down cheers and applause piano riff come on have some cheese have some butter a team of researchers placed microphones capable of detecting ultrasonic frequencies four inches from tomato and tobacco plants, then either stopped watering them or snipped their stems. Who the hell are these researchers . laughter i need a Million Dollars to torture the tomatoes to see if they. Scream. laughter its personal. A caesar salad murdered my parents. laughter meanwhile, sometimes a story is so inappropriately phallic that most networks wont even go near it. But we here at the late show have the courage to create a meanwhile subsegment peenwhile laughter stephen peenwhile, in kansas, one persons holiday lights may have gone too far. Santa is going to see more than a chimney on the roof of one lenexa home when he flies in on his sleigh. Were blurring it to keep it p. G. 13. laughter stephen there it is. Theyre blurring it, so you cant see it. But we can see it here in the studio. How to describe it lets just say that someones hung by the chimney and cheers and applause right over here. And santas not the only one swinging a big sack this year. Well be right back with adam schiff. cheers and applause band playing this Holiday Season choose the longest lasting aa battery. music energizer ultimate lithium backed by science. Matched by no one. Come in for your chance atat an extra 30 percent,e . An extra 40 percent or even an extra 50 percent off talk about a sweet deal hurry in store now through saturday to unwrap the savings. Jcpenney the roomba i7 with cleanng base automatic dirt disposal and allergenlock™ bags that trap 99 of allergens, so they dont escape back into the air. If its not from irobot, its not a roomba™ im Christina Stembel and i chose the spark cash card from capital one with unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back, which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer. Whats in your wallet . Seaonly abreva cany to help sget rid of it in. As little as 2 1 2 days when used at the first sign. Abreva starts to work immediately to block the virus and protect healthy cells. Abreva acts on it. So you can too. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show. Folks, my first guest tonight is a california congressman who serves as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and is currently leading the committees impeachment investigation. Please welcome to the late show congressman adam schiff. cheers and applause band playing thanks for being here thank you for making the time to be here at what i have to imagine is a very busy time for you and not just because its the Holiday Season. Yes. Stephen um, i have here a copy of the articles of impeachment that congressman nadler has drawn up in the Judiciary Committee. You did a very good job in the closing to have the intelligence committees investigation a couple of weeks ago. cheers and applause and a lot of people on either side of the aisle from you want to make this seem confusing. Can you explain in the simplest way possible what these articles of impeachment are about . Thank you. Absolutely, and there are two articles, the first is the president s misconduct with ukraine. The president essentially tried to shake down the leader of another country by withholding hunlses of millions of dollars of military assistance to a nation at war with russia in which ukrainians are dying every day and did so to coerce that country into helping his Reelection Campaign, helping him cheat in his Reelection Campaign by investigating and smearing his rival. Thats the essence of article one, the abuse of his office to coerce foreign interference in our election. Article two is just as significant because it is the obstruction of congress investigation, the coverup by the administration of that misconduct. If this president or any president can simply say to congress we will give you no witnesses, we will allow no documents, no matter what subpoenas with lawful process we receive, it will mean that this president and a future president can be as corrupt, mall feesent and negligent as they choose without any accountability. So thats the heart of it, a shakedown of a foreign country to help his reelection, and the coverup of that shakedown. Stephen the first one seems fairly easy to understand, even though i would say your opponents in the house want to make it seem complicated or too hard for the American People to follow. Have you thought about using the little jingle we used here at the late show to explain how simple it is. Are you familiar . I am. Stephen