Stephen colbert. Tonight, angry white mail. Plus, stephen welcomes jamie foxx. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on hey hi Stephen Lovely lovely welcome. Welcome, welcome, one and all. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is just delightful, delightful to be with these people here tonight. Thank you for joining us tonight. Its impeachment eve. Its a magical time cheers and applause and like every impeachment eve, we put the kids to bed, but theyre all up listening hard to see if accountability is coming. Believe i believe but all they can hear is scrooge mctrump screaming, hum bug from his rooftop, and ill catch you up on the latest in tonights don and the giant impeach. I said you gotta do me a favor. Stephen all week, trumps been relatively quiet about his impending impeachment, but the pressure was building under the surface, because this afternoon, the lid blew off mount saint yellin. The eruption came in the form of a sixpage shriek addressed to nancy pelosi. Heres a taste your spiteful actions display unfettered contempt for americas founding, and your egregious conduct threatens to destroy that which our founders pledged their very lives to build. laughter as trump yes, a nation built on the belief that powerful white men face no consequences whatsoever. cheers and applause he tantrums on even worse than offending the founding fathers, you are offending americans of faith by continually saying i pray for the president , when you know this statement is not true, unless it is meant in a negative sense. laughter what does that mean . I have no idea i have no idea what that means . What is a negative prayer . What would that even be . as trump your father, who arent i heaven, lets face it, nothin special about that name. The letter is a disorienting mishmash of dry legal language mixed in with trumps signature angry word smoothies. The articles of impeachment introduced by the House Judiciary Committee are not recognizable under any standard of constitutional theory, interpretation, or jurisprudence. Dotdadotdot. You have cheapened the importance of the very ugly word, impeachment laughter okay. Okay. Happy now, nancy . Youve cheapened something very ugly that goes against everything trump stands for making very ugly things. Extremely expensive. cheers and applause now the letter the letter accuses the democrats of having dark motives. Everyone, you included, knows what is really happening. Your chosen candidate lost the election in 2016, in an Electoral College landslide 306227 and you and your party have never recovered from this defeat. My god is there anywhere, any occasion he wont brag about his Electoral College win . What do his condolence cards look like . Im so sorry for your loss. Almost as bad as hillarys loss to me, 306227. laughter cheers and applause thats so sweet. Thats really thats really jon kind of heartfeltish stephen so sweet, jon. Thank you. He continued so you have spent three straight years attempting to overturn the will of the American People and nullify their votes. You view democracy as your enemy as trump whereas, i view democracy as a friend. With benefits. Because, under me, democracy is so screwed cheers and applause do you have a copy . Heres an actual copy of the damn thing. This is i dont know it is six pages long. It is six pages long, single spaced like this. The middle pages are basically just a cut and paste from his campaign website. Im not joking. He has space force in there. Judges. His nonbuilding of the wall. Unemployment why dont black people love me . And the usual puff and whine throughout the entire thing. Then trump complained about how damaging impeachment has been to those he loves. You do not know, nor do you care, the great damage and hurt you have inflicted upon wonderful and loving members of my family. as trump youve hurt them all, from the innocent wife i cheated on with a porn star, to the poor kids whose mother i bailed on two wives ago, all of them. Trump also wrote cheers and applause trump also writes in the letter more due process was afforded to those accused in the salem witch trials. You know what . You know what . You know what . I agree with the president on this one. Fair is fair. We should throw him in the river. And and ill tell you what if he floats. Judge . A witch, witch stephen now, in slamming pelosi he brought out some of the fanciest words he knows. Your legacy will be that of turning the house of representatives from a revered legislative body into a star chamber of partisan persecution. How much do you want to bet he thinks a star chamber is a planetarium . laughter as trump and if youre going to make it a star chamber, nancy, then i demand that saturdays at midnight, you have laser zepplin. laughter now, shortly after the letter was released, trump appeared on camera to sum up what it took him six pages to say. Mister president , will you take any responsibility for the fact that youre about to be impeached . No, i dont take any. Zero, to put it mildly. Stephen yes, trump doesnt take any. He takes foreign assistance. He takes daddys handouts. He takes a handful of any woman who wanders into his gropezone, but he draws the line at responsibility. Now, while trump is publicly cheers and applause sure. Sure, why not . No responsibility. While trump is unraveling publicly, Democratic Candidates are trying to get the nomination sewn up. Ill tell you all about it in tonights doing it donkey style. Civil rights. Stephen theres a new controversy about south bend mayor and spelling bee contestant who just saw his parents in the audience, pete buttigieg. Petes been getting some pushback for his habit of holding closeddoor fundraisers for the big donors. Yesterday, we got a few photos of an event he held in napa at the Hall Rutherford wine caves, where he had dinner beneath a chandelier decked in 1,500 swarovski crystals. So in case you were wondering if the wealthy gather in underground bunkers to plot the fate of the working class. Yeah. laughter it was a decadent night. The buttiboosters enjoyed bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon worth 900, and ate off an onyx banquet table. Well, you gotta have onyx. You know how hard it is to get human sacrifice stains out of walnut . laughter other candidates jumped on mayor petes money party. Right after the photos came out, Bernies Campaign trolled buttigieg by buying the domain peteswinecave. Com. Thats pretty good jon they jumped right on that one. Stephen but buttigieg hit back at bernies favorite drink Poland Spring bottle that gets refilled with tap water until the label falls off dotnet. In other donkeyrelated developments, theres a new proposal from president ial candidate and obstetrician surprised to find out where babies come out, andrew yang. This week, yang announced that he wants to make psychedelic mushrooms more freely available. Chopper cheaper yeah, yeah, sure. Why not . Sure. Though, i gotta say. I dont know. I think there are already plenty available. Thats why so many people can visualize you as president. According to a recent tweet, yang was swayed when a veteran in davenport told yang that Psilocybin Mushrooms were the only treatment he found effective for his depression after returning home. Well, im all for candidates listening to voters, but yang changed his platform after talking to one guy. So, evidently, everyone gets one request. That explains yangs new billboard yang 2020 hey tim, was it friday or saturday that you needed to be picked up from the airport . applause close enough close enough close enough. Next up one the stylin donkey, big news this week from the campaign of vermont senator and man whose office mate is experimenting with natural deodorant, bernie sanders. Bernie is in second place nationally. Hes got huge support among democrats under age 35, but hes got a big generation gap problem, polling with just 2 with democrats over 65. Just 2 among seniors, bernie is trailing sitting by the door at a restaurant. Granddaughter majoring in womens studies, and too many damn remotes. laughter applause we have a great show tonight but first, time to move on clearly. First you know whats going to happen now. First were going to do meanwhile. Now, normally we would go to commercial right now, but would you rather have commercials or more show . Audience more show stephen okay, but understand that more show means there might be some subtle Product Placement. Audience Product Placement stephen all right all right all right. Lets do that. Give it up for jon batiste right over there. Jon, the great cheers and applause you know who weve got tonight, jon . Tonight, in just a few minutes, the great mr. Jamie foxx is going to be out here in just a little while jon jamie foxx. Stephen you know, i spend a lot of time right over there, drawing together the days biggest news themes, its richest, mostsatiric characters; its darkest comic imagery and carefully plotting them out for you in the elaborate shakespearean comedy that is my monologue. But sometimes i just want you to pull my finger to release my segment meanwhile. Meanwhile, a national treasure. Folks, tonights meanwhile is brought to you by kelloggs frostet flakes. Joining me now, tony the tiger, everybody thank you, thank you, stephen. Its good to be here. Stephen tonighty dont dont you mean its greeat to be here . Well see. Im here because all across the country, some schools are being forced to cut sports. And im not okay with that. So i started Mission Tiger to help save School Sports for as many kids as possible. Stephen well, thats wonderful, tony i bet you played a lot of School Sports yourself, eh, stephen . Stephen thats wonderful, tony laughter so to help find the kids most in need we teamed up with donorschoose. Org stephen im on the board of donors choose youve mentioned that. Stephen okay and weve already funded 600 schools and helped over 165,000 kids. And these kids are greeeatful. Stephen again, not quite where i thought you were going with that, tony. Let me ask you this. Does eating this box of frosted flakes they keep under my desk help in any way . Absolutely when you buy a box, you can support the mission. Stephen you hear that, dr. Eichler . I am inhaling frosted flakes for the children cheers and applause and dont forget frosted flakes is sponsoring want tony the tiger sun bowl this year on december 31, the only bowl game with a mission. Stephen tony, i want you ton that if any part of Mission Tigers mission is to release an actual tiger on to the field, i will totally watch that laughter tony the tiger, everybody cheers and applause it was greeea nice to be here stephen thank you, tony. Meanwhile, the entire internet is thirsty for actor Kumail Nanjiani who, after being cast as a marvel character, transformed his body into this towering chunk of beefsteak. Dayum hes putting the male in kumail. laughter a lot of us celebs post these photos of ourselves looking all buff, which can be very demoralizing to you normals out there. But kumail had the decency to add, i would not have been able to do this if i didnt have a full year with the best trainers and nutritionists paid for by the biggest studio in the world. It would have been impossible without these resources. That is refreshing honesty. And i, too, right now, want all my fans to know that achieving this look would not have been possible without my two biggest resources irish skin and the march of time. cheers and applause meanwhile, the city of topeka will pay you up to 15,000 just to move there. The program,choose topeka, was created with the intention of investing in employees to live and work in topeka and Shawnee County so that we may foster an intentional community. Thats important, an intentional community. Because right now topekas current residents are all drivers who ran out of gas on their way anywhere else. God love you, topeka. Meanwhile, the first celebrity voice to come to amazons alexa is now available. Owners can now add actor samuel l. Jacksons voice to their devices. Great clears throat lets try it out. Alexa, whats the weather . Say what again say what again i dare you. I double dare you, bleep . Say what one more bleep time cheers and applause stephen so pack an umbrella, i guess. Meanwhile, a lord of the Rings Television Series is currently in production on amazon, which means if youre in new zealand and youve got a face like a leather handbag . Missing teeth . You could be an extra on lord of the rings i was just down there for a week why didnt you ask . Face like a leather handbag . Check. Missing teeth . No, but i do have a willing heart and a pair of pliers. laughter now, the production its production needs so many extras so fast, casting agents in new zealand are asking for hairy, hairy people of all ages and ethnicities, individuals with many freckles, redheads, and people with lots of wrinkles, and asking, have you been out in that sunshine . Is your face a little ugh . laughter okay, dont sugar coat it. Im sure it wont be awkward on set when you actually meet these human beings. Congratulations, everybody your face looks like a cat coughed up a boiled potato. You, you, stand over there your face is just the right amount of ugh. Meanwhile, scientists have discovered the deepest point on land. The deepest point . That Bumper Sticker with all the worlds religions spelling coexist. laughter pretty deep stephen oh, yeah. Thats very deep laughter stephen meanwhile, once in a while, a story comes along that is far too phallic for us to cover, but also far too phallic for us not to cover, which brings us once again to our meanwhile subsegment peenwhile. Peenwhile, the cats movie hits theaters this weekend, and, reportedly, one of its stars, jason derulo, isnt happy. Specifically, derulo is bummed that the film had to digitally remove his massive penis. Because, come one, thats what Everyone Wants from a movie about cats a massive human penis. laughter and it must definitely, for sure, be very big, because when asked by an interviewer, you think that they airbrushed your penis out of the cats movie . Derulo replied, 125 . laughter now, does that sound like someone who exaggerates the size of things . Meanwhile, the town of skagway, alaska, is selling its newspaper for the unbeatable price of zero dollars. Unbeatable . Clearly, youve never heard of topeka, kansas. laughter well be right back with jamie foxx. applause across the country, schools are having to cut sports. Im tony the tiger and im on a mission to fix that. Bring back the tigers. Your mighty, mighty tigers. [cheering sounds] buy a box and help all kids be tigers. Too shabby too much i can rent this . For that price . Absolutely. Its just right book your just right rental at thrifty. Com. Its just right im Christina Stembel and i chose the spark cash card from capital one with unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back, which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer. Whats in your wallet . Well if inspirations what youre searching for. Follow me to a place i know with Endless Possibilities so you can check your list off rowbyrow. Im making this song up as i go come on look around so much in store, youll spend much less but gift much more at the stores that youve been searching for spend less, gift better. At t. J. Maxx, marshalls, and homegoods. Ah, that worked well the ones that make a truebeen difference in peoples lives. And mikes won them, which is important right this minute, because if he could beat americas biggest gun lobby, helping pass background check laws and defeat nra backed politicians across this country, beat big coal, helping shut down hundreds of polluting plants and beat big tobacco, helping pass laws to save the next generation from addiction. All against big odds you can beat him. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the late show. Come on, come on. What a night. What a special night tonight stephen very special night stephen we have a very special guest for you. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a grammy and Academy Awardwinning artist you know from ray and django unchained. He now stars in the new film just mercy. Please welcome back to the late show, mr. Jamie foxx applause applause applause cheers and applause Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas Stephen oh, yeah Merry ChristmasMerry Christmas happy new year Merry Christmas to the reindeer we never think about the reyna deer. We never say merry we never say that stephen we talk about rudolph. We talk about rudolph but we never pay him homage. Merry christmas to the reindeer the reindeer merry, merry, merry, merry Merry Christmas to the reindeer applause im just talking about rudolph okay, all right stephen its a message of hope. Its a message of hope, jamie foxx i think i came in hot stephen happy birthday i understand you celebrated a birthday. I did, i did stephen how many are we talking about . 26 times two. Stephen wow applause cheers stephen careful now. Wow you know, i gotta say, this is actually a spanx, i got to be honest stephen you got to i got the man spanx on. I call it a manx. Stephen you get your aarp membership i never used to look at that commercial stephen you get all kinds of discountses. Im sitting are you at the age of 50 . I got my readers on. Oh, man i dont like that 50, 75, damn it stephen do you have to wear the readers now . But i have designer readers stephen designer readers i have my own Glass Company and we make designer readers so you dont look. Weird stephen i know, the last time you were here you left me you turned into an