And a special appearance by john lithgow. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen the hey, happy holidays fantastic hello hows it going. Hi hey, jon. I like it. Happy wednesday. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen hi so nice. Wednesday, right . cheers and applause stephen thanks, everybody, up there, down here, all around the world, all my friends and neighbors. Welcome, one and all, everybody, everybody. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Lets get right to it. We dont have any time. We dont have a minute to waste here. Its almost christmas. Im busy, youre busy. Ive got an oven full of snickerdoodles i have to finish the monologue before the timer goes off. Its just after six clrks as we speak, the full house of representatives is still debating the articles of impeachment. They havent voted yet, but im about to go on vacation, so im just going to go ahead and call it now. Tonight, for only the third time in u. S. History, the house of representatives voted to impeach a sitting president , donald j. Trump. cheers and applause there it is. There it is. There it is. Again, they havent actually voted yet. And if we wake up tomorrow and it turns out im wrong, i will issue a severe apology from margaritaville. Im coming back. Ill give you all the details in this very special installment of don and the giant impeach. Can you believe it . Its today its today its unbelievable. Stephen now, like i said, trumps only the third president to be impeached, and the fourth to have articles of impeachment drawn up against him. But heres the thing im 55 three of those impeachments have happened during my lifetime. For the fourth one, you have to go all the way back 1868 and andrew johnson, whose Senate Impeachment trial was, of course, conducted by Chuck Schumer and mitch mcconnell. laughter seriously, guys move on make room for young blood today, the house gave themselves six hours of floor debate to decide on impeachment. Six hours . Thats a long time to let both sides repeat the same stuff theyve been saying for months. Its like having to applause there it is. Over and over again. Its like having to listen to your grandfather tell the same story youve been hearing your entire life. Grandpa, no one believes that you did overtheclothes stuff with betty page laughter now, in her opening statement, nancy pelosi made sure everyone knows shes real sad about this. Very sadly now, our founders vision of a republic is under threat from actions from the white house. Sadly, the American People have witnessed further wrongs of the president. Today is a National Civics lesson, though a sad one. I solemnly and sadly open the debate on the impeachment of the president of the united states. Stephen as pelosi but, first, sadly, we are solemnly sad, about the solemn, sad, somleness that is this sad, sad, solemn sad day. Sad. cheers and applause thats her, not me. Thats her. But the award for most huh . Impeachment take in the house of representatives goes to Georgia Republican and man whose last name describes him perfectly, barry loudermilk. Loudermilk made this comparison before you take this historic vote today, one week before christmas, i want you to keep this in mind when jesus was falsely accused of treason, Pontius Pilate gave jesus the opportunity to face his accusers. During that sham trial, Pontius Pilate afforded more rights to jesus than the democrats have afforded this president. Audience oooooh stephen really . Youre going to compare donald trump to jesus christ . laughter may i remind you, jesus never had to cut a check to keep Mary Magdalene quiet. laughter cheers and applause i have that right, right . I have that right, right . Jon you got that right. That never happened, no. Stephen representative Louie Gohmert took a more negative view of the proceeding. This countrys end is now in sight. I hope i dont live to see it. Stephen wow, thats a bold statement. But it explains his reelection slogan gohmert 2020 take me, death. applause dumb, the guy it dumb. He just plain, old dumb, baby. Trump is reacting to the impeachment news with his usual calm and measured ranting. Yesterday, he sent an angry sixpage screed directed at nancy pelosi. And today he passed that rant out to every member of Congress Inside a massive christmas card. laughter that thing is the size of a Cheesecake Factory menu which makes some sense, since both feature an orange chicken. Are the card, the card is signed applause the card is signed by, lets see, it looks like that says president amnanhunmun and first lady whaaa jimmy. The president didnt stop with angry screed and comically oversized card, because he also included a second, smaller christmas card. Cards within cards its like a russian doll which, coincidentally, is trumps secret service nickname. laughter that wasnt applause that wasnt trumps only desperate cry for help. This morning he tweeted, can you believe that i will be impeached today by the radical left, donothing democrats, and i did nothing wrong a terrible thing. Read the transcripts. This should never happen to another president again. Say a prayer laughter yes, nothing, noct applause nothing says confidence quite like say a prayer. A state trooper pulls you over, youre completely innocent, so you scream at the other motorists pray for me laughter jon oh, man, wow. Stephen trump probably will bounce back. According to one former aide, trump is the most resilient politician the country has ever seen. Okay, not to be all Teddy Roosevelt got shot, but Teddy Roosevelt got shot, and then finished the speech he was giving. Trump gets winded carrying an umbrella up a staircase. laughter applause the aide thinks this aide this unnamed aide, thinks none of us none of us will be that affected by any of this, predicting well just wake up thursday after this absurd Impeachment Vote and say, well, that was quite a season three finale. Whats going to happen in season four . Yes, the Trump Presidency is just a tv show we all have to live through. I call it the worst wing. cheers and applause i miss that show. I love that green velvet. What is it a forest green, mossy . I love it. Once trump is impeached, the case moves to the senate, led by majority leader and clinicallydepressed scrotum, mitch mcconnell. laughter had trouble saying his name after that one. laughter mcconnell has a simple plan for the impeachment trial no impeachment trial. But mcconnell could lose control of the proceedings if four republicans vote with democrats to allow witnesses. One of the likely suspects to grow a spine is utah senator mitt romney, seen here questioning his life choices. laughter when romney was asked his opinion on calling additional witnesses, he said, its not that i dont have any point of view, its just that im not willing to share that point of view till ive had the chance to talk to others and get their perspectives. Oh, courage. Its just like at the end of the movie when the romans are about to crucify kirk douglas, and then tony curtis stands up and goes, its not that im not spartacus. Im just not willing to share whether im spartacus. First, i want to talk to these other guys and find out if any of them are spartacus. Anyone . Nope. All right, ill sit down now. ding oh my snickerdoodles are done hold on one second. Here we go. Hot stuff hot stuff ah there you go applause weve got a great show for you tonight Charlize Theron is here. But when we return, Rudy Giuliani will join us. Oh, yeah. Come on hot stuff applause hurry in to the Super Saturday sale at petsmart, december 21st through the 24th buy 2 get 1 free on all dog toys or treats plus this weekend, bring in your family and pets for a free photo with santa. Four days left to save. At petsmart nyquifor your worst cold andrful relieflu symptoms, on sunday night and every night. Nyquil severe. The nightime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, best sleep with a cold, medicine. Hvr dips. You either love it or you really love it. Running out of time . Dont worry. Weve got new gift ideas arriving through christmas eve. So, you can spend much less, but gift much more at t. J. Maxx, marshalls and homegoods. A drink with friends can turn into two. And a prescription can be stronger than you thought. Stop there are a lot of ways to get a dui. And a lot of ways to go. Text a friend. Call a cab. Share a ride. Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody yup. Jon, jon, i am excited. I am excited, not just to be doing this show tonight, being out here with you and these lovely people, but one of my favorite actors is here tonight. Charlize theron will be right over there in just a few minutes. She plays megyn kelly in the new movie bombshell, about the fall of roger ailes at fox news. Unbelievable jon she looks like megyn Kelly Stephen if megyn kelly came out here tonight, i would think it was Charlize Theron dressed up as her right now. Stephen you know, folks, its an historic day, with the president facing impeachment. And he couldnt have done it without the help of his personal lawyer and softboiled american, Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani just wont stop giving the kind of legal help that got trump impeached. In fact, he just got back from yet another trip to ukraine and has been all over the media, pushing increasingly convoluted conspiracy theories about the biden family and ukraine. But rudy swears his ukraine trip wasnt a political hit job against the bidens. You looked into ukraine because biden was running for president complete lie i looked into ukraine because it was thrown at me. Stephen that makes sense, yeah, it was thrown at him. I believe that because every time i see him on tv, i want to throw something at him. Trump was fully on board with rudys fictionfinding mission. Reportedly, the moment rudy landed, trump called him to ask, what did you get . And rudy replied, more than you can imagine. as trump more than i can imagine . So a 21piece mcnuggets . laughter we have no idea who else rudy may have been talking to lately, and neither does he, because hes also been making multiple butt dials to reporters. Im not surprised rudy dials with his butt. That is where his best ideas come from. And, and applause well be hearing more about rudys conspiracy tour of ukraine, because hes been putting together both a 20page report and a documentary series. I cant wait to see whats in there. And i wont have to wait, because joining us now live via satellite is the president s personal lawyer, Rudolph Giuliani mayor giuliani, its good of good to see you again, mr. Mayor. Complete lie sorry, thats a reflex. Good to see you, too, stephen. Stephen mr. Giuliani, todays Impeachment Vote happened in large part because of your dealings with ukraine. So why did you travel there to dig up even more conspiracies about the bidens . Shhhhh stephen, all i can say is i have reason to believe that not only did hunter biden try to rig the 2016 election. He also rigged the 2016 olympics and the 2016 Nickelodeon KidsChoice AwardsBlake Shelton was unconstitutionally slimed laughter stephen ill take your word for it. Now, i have to ask about a damning statement you made this week. Did you really admit to reporters that you pushed trump to fire the ambassador to ukraine because she was standing in your way . Of course i said that, stephen i say everything but you cant prove that i meant it. Scientists have never established a credible link between my brain and my mouth. laughter stephen okay, okay, i understand that. But but, sir by the way, where are you right now . It looks like youre back in ukraine . Stephen, i cant disclose my location. It would jeopardize the secret mission im currently on here in ukraine. laughter now, if youll excuse me, i have a meeting with a highlevel consultant. Good meeting. Lets have a followup. laughter stephen mr. Mayor, are you really drinking . A complete lie im merely uncovering evidence. Now, lets get to the bottom of this. laughter stephen okay. Speaking of evidence, you said you found more than you can imagine. Can you share any of it right now . Oh, stephen, that would be a disaster so here we go laughter i discovered some explosive evidence hidden inside a trash can near burisma headquarters. Look at this aha stephen okay, that looks like a halfeaten Tuna Sandwich . Exactly ive analyzed the bite marks and now have reason to believe that hunter biden can transform into a cat laughter stephen mr. Mayor, im sorry, there is just no way thats true. Stephen, it will all become clear when you see my new documentary series. Roll the clip. I am hunter biden i love corruption very, very, very disturbing. Stephen thats just overdubbed footage from the movie cats. Complete lie stephen im sorry, is there something wrong with your eyes . Theyre trying to escape my head so they dont have to testify before congress. Theyve seen too much stephen okay. Okay, mr. Mayor, im over here. You can hear my voice . Okay there, you go. Mr. Mayor, given todays Impeachment Vote, do you still think theres any way im sorry. Im getting a phone call. It says its from you . Oh, no. No thats a butt dial. Dont answer it my butt has been turned against me by the bidens laughter stephen what what does that mean . My butt has been working behind my back laughter applause no, no, no. Its been calling reporters without my permission you need to believe me my butt is a constant source of leaks laughter is stephen i believe you. I wont pick it up. No, wait, do pick up but dont tell my butt youre talking to me. This stephen okay. Hello . Whats he saying . Anything about the bidens . Stephen nothing. Its just some muffled noise. Of course. That guys a drunken bleep . laughter stephen thank you, mr. Mayor. 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Listerine® completes the job by preventing plaque, early gum disease, and killing up to 99. 9 of germs. Try listerine®. Need Stocking Stuffers . Try listerine® ready tabs™. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Oh, are you in for a treat, folks. My first guest is an Academy Awardwinning actress you know from monster, mad max fury road, and atomic blonde. Her new film is bombshell. Please welcome back to the late show, Charlize Theron applause wow wow oh, my gosh cheers and applause thats so nice. Thank you. Hi hi hi hi i was so scared i was going to be a disappointment this is so lovely stephen no, no, no disappoint to have Charlize Theron out here. Now, i know youre out here we were talking about a bunch of things, but youre out here to talk about your new film bombshell yeah stephen which is about basically the end of roger ailes career at fox news and the women who stood up to him, including megyn kelly, you who played. Congratulations. I know you just got nominated for a golden globe yeah stephen for that performance. And sag, and a sag award, i think. Thats great yeah, yeah, its really great. Listen, the alternative could be so much worse. But the fact that you you know, you dont make i think this job is so incredible, and i say to my kids every day, find something that you love because it will never feel like a job. And that to me is the reward. All of this extra stuff is so lovely. But the cast nomination that we got, sag cast nomination, was really special to me because this is such an ensemble cast stephen and its an extraordinary ensemble cast its an extraordinary ensemble so that one was particularly special stephen you got particularly excite approximated for the golden globe nomination that was the sag stephen you posted online a video of you reacting to it yeah stephen to finding out that you all have been nominated. Yeah stephen but you edited out of middle. Can i let me play should we explain what happens . Or should we play it first . I dont think you need an explanation. Its quite selfexplanatory. We just got cast yes bleep i dont have we just got cast stephen i guess i guess it didnt need an explanation i dont think it does. I dont think it does. Oh, boy. Yes. Note to self, note to self dont shoot anything before you put the underwear on. Stephen thats true my mother always told me that laughter stephen now, you youre producer on this movie, as well as playing megyn kelly in this, and an extraordinary performance as megyn kelly. I was saying to you briefly backstage, there are amazing performances all through it. For instance, john lithgow as roger ailes hes amazing stephen hes amazing ailes. Sometim