Cant decide who has to clean up after thanksgiving dinner . Do the smart thing just move. Happy thanksgiving. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, talkin turkey. Plus, stephen welcomes ll cool j. And chef jose andres. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey thanksgiving is tomorrow cheers and applause hey, everybody. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause its thanksgiving eve. I hope you have all hung up your stockings and filled them with gravy. Now, as ive said, thanksgiving is tomorrow. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. If youre traveling today, we wish you a safe trip. But it could be a crowded one, because over thanksgiving, a record 31. 6 million passengers will travel on u. S. Airlines, and youre going to see all their feet. laughter right on the armrest, right there. But check the weather, because a couple of big storms are expected to blast the west coast and the midwest, and key airport hubs could see major delays. But do not worry. Because theres no reason you cant have a perfectly good thanksgiving eating hudson news almonds while charging your phone in the pet relief area. Okay. Yeah. applause youve got to make do. Jon come on stephen love the one youre with. Jon yeah, thats right. Do not worry. Stephen now, if youre packing, theres good news according to the t. S. A. , you can bring your thanksgiving turkey on an airplane. Just tell them its your emotional support meat. laughter okay, youve got to get the vest. Youve got to get the little vest. As for other thanksgiving foods, pie or cookies are allowed right in your carryon, gravy and cranberry sauce can go in your checked luggage, and corn pudding can go directly to hell. laughter and this thanksgiving, there are a bunch of democrats vying for a chance to carve up the white house turkey. And ill tell you all about it in tonights doing it donkey style. America is better than this stephen kick em, donks this week, the democratic field picked up yet another candidate billionaire and former new york mayor, michael bloomberg. Now, if you dont live in new york, you may not be familiar with bloomberg. Also, if you dont live in new york, youve never seen a fully naked man screaming at a discarded television on your way to drop off your kid at school. But as every new yorker knows, bloomberg doesnt exactly have an immaculate track record. Take his stopandfrisk policy, which disproportionately targeted black and latino men. Now, the mayors defenders will remind you that bloomberg immediately recognized that this was the wrong thing to do and apologized for it a week ago. laughter yes, he took a long, hard look at his past decisions, did some agonizing reappraisal, and realized that in his heart, hed really like to be president. Now bloomberg has also hit some bumps in the past when it comes to talking about women. See, he got to be a gabillionaire by selling a special line of computer terminals to trade stocks and back in the 80s during his sales pitch, he claimed the machine will do everything, including oral sex, adding, i guess that puts a lot of you girls out of business. Now, obviously, thats just an awful joke, and he did not mean it literally. But im guessing at least one finance bro had to find that out the hard way. laughter elsewhere elsewhere on the campaign trail, our old favorites are doing what they do best shaking their money makers. Bernie was in New Hampshire this weekend, and heres how he started his speech. The first thing im going to do is take off my jacket. Stephen as bernie the second thing im going to do is press play on this boombox and ask if the bachelorette has been a naughty, naughty girl. Okay. But it was at the afterparty when things got really exciting, because bernie took to the dance floor and was truly adorable. Check it out. Stephen bernie, just because youve had heart trouble, doesnt give you the right to melt mine. laughter then then, theres news from the campaign of former Vice President and man learning that the diner doesnt have the soup he likes, joe biden. Biden is still leading by double digits, nationally, but recently he has been slipping a bit in iowa, so hes been trying to rally supporters in the hawkeye state. We recently learned that last month, biden said this to supporters im asking you to take a look im asking for your help. Commit to caucusing for me on february the fourth. Only problem . The caucuses are february 3. laughter doesnt matter. Doesnt matter. Thats fine. What matters is the general election, and joe biden wants you to vote on november 35 you walk into that voting booth, you ignore all the buttons with the floor numbers. You just shout joe biden at the ceiling until the nice fireman comes and rescues you. Next up next up applause next up on the donk stonk, billionaire former Hedge Fund Manager and artist explaining the secret behind his turkey portrait, tom steyer. laughter steyer some people here were children once. Steyer has spent over 50 million of his own money on his campaign so far and is still only polling at 1. 2 . At a recent event, he was asked about his low odds of winning the nomination. Heres what he said i know this is going to sound a little strange, kenna. I dont want to be president. laughter stephen have i got some good news for you. applause but you do, you dont. Either you do or you dont. You just got to wait. But there is one rich dude who isnt running for president. Yesterday, we heard from papa johns founder and Madame Tussauds elvis statue that was left in a hot garage, john schnatter. Schnatter, you might remember, was fired from papa johns last year after he used the n word on a conference call. Oooh, schnatter really schnat the bed. laughter ever since, hes been trying to get back into the spotlight. This week, he appeared on a local Kentucky News channel to voice concerns about the current state of papa johns pizza. Ive had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days, and its not the same pizza. Stephen 40 pizzas in 30 days. Move over, angelas ashes, because this is now the saddest story ever told. laughter so applause peggys pies. So what are schnatters complaints with the companys new pies . Its not the same product. It just doesnt taste the same. The way theyre making the pizza, the way theyre putting the pizza together, its just not fundamentally sound to what makes a papa johns pizza a papa johns pizza. Stephen youre not at a great point in your life when youre able to notice the drop in quality of a 4 pizza. laughter what . This isnt nearly as good as the pizza i normally eat while weeping in my car. laughter schnatter promises that you havent heard the last of him. I would just say, stay tuned. The day of reckoning will come. Stephen hes right. Ive eaten papa johns pizza. laughter and there is always a reckoning. laughter applause weve got a great show for you tonight ll cool j is here. But when we come back, huge book news about a huge book. Stick around. Find your rhythm. Your happy place. Find your breaking point. Then break it. Every emergenc gives you a potent blend of nutrients so you can emerge your best, with emergenc. paul sprintern the hspeaking of magic, are ti turned my iphone 6s into the new iphone 11. paul its true, trade in an iphone 6s or newer in any condition and youll get the powerful new iphone 11 for just 0 a month when you switch to sprint. sprintern yeah, an iphone 6s for an iphone 11. Or trade in your beloved iphone 7, trusty iphone 8, amazing iphone x. paul . 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Now available with retinol serum and retinol eye cream. smoke alarm itreat them all as if, they are hot and energized. Stay away from any downed wire, call 911 and call pg e right after so we can both respond out and keep the public safe. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause playing allowed. Jon, one of the pillars i believe one of the pillars of this industry we call entertainment, ll cool j. , is here tonight. The man always brings it, the consummate professional. Jon oh, yes. Stephen wake up your kids. Folks, as i said repeatedly in this show tonight, as if i have some sort of condition that forces me to repeat it tomorrow is thanksgiving. Tomorrow is thanksgiving. cheers and applause andtomorrow is thanksgiving. Anyway, tomorrow is thanksgiving. And weve got a lot to be thankful for here at the late show, starting with our book whose boat is this boat . Comments that dont help in the aftermath of a hurricane. This book was written, by accident, by donald trump. All of the words inside are things he actually said while touring the damage from hurricane florence. And thanks to our publishers, Simon Schuster, all proceeds from the book go to Disaster Relief, like world central kitchen, which was started by our guest tonight, jose andres. cheers and applause okay . If you want to help, pick up your copy today to help out, or check it out of the library for free, if you hate helping people. laughter which brings us to idahos coeur dalene library, which i do not have to tell you, was 2012s Idaho Library of the year. Suck it, North Bingham county Public Library i dont mean that, North Bingham county Public Library. You guys are the bomb now, you might remember, a couple of weeks ago, i told you that an unknown troublemaker in coeur dalene was taking books and hiding them around the library so patrons couldnt find them. Now, they havent been able to catch the culprit in the act, despite the librarys new campaign, if you see something, whisper something. laughter and heres the specific thing about this. The bandit evidently targeted leftleaning books, particularly anything that was critical of President Trump, and that included whose boat is this boat . audience boos now, obviously, from your ooooo, you agree, we couldnt let that happen. So a couple of weeks ago, we came up with a solution. I dont believe anyone should mess with library books. So we have decided to help out the readers of coeur dalene by sending them an unhideable edition of whose boat is this boat . Come on out there you go applause good luck hiding this one, sucker that book, which is an actual, functional, actual book, is three feet by four feet almost as big as the menu at the cheesecake factory. And im proud to say that our special unhideable version of whose boat is this boat . Has made its way to the coeur dalene Public Library. And weve got some exclusive footage. Here weve got a few librarians carrying the book in and starting to unpack it. They had some trouble figuring out where to shelve the book. So they brought the book over for a little story time for the kids. After which, one of the kids figured out it could be used as a tent. laughter so not only does this book fund hurricane relief, this edition can also serve as temporary shelter finally, a couple of Young Readers decided to check the book out, then lugged it out to their car to take it home to read. Fun fact that copy of the book weighs 27 pounds, so if those kids do a book report on it, it counts as both Language Arts and p. E. , although applause although, they should make sure to get it back to the library on time. Because any late fees incurred with the oversized edition must be paid via giant novelty check. And Coeur Dalenes library director, betty ammon, has a message for the culprit hiding all of these books. Betty . Any time a book is censored, a million more people want to read it. And, so, thanks. Stephen well said. Well said, betty so pick up your copy of whose boat is this boat today, wherever normalsized books are sold. Thank you, coeur dalene Public Library happy thanksgiving thanksgiving is tomorrow. Well be right back with ll cool j. band playing cheers and applause oh oh oh ozempic® announcer people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential of onceweekly ozempic®. In a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7 and maintained it. Oh under 7 . announcer and you may lose weight. In the same oneyear study, adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. Oh up to 12 pounds . announcer a twoyear study showed that ozempic® does not increase the risk of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. 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Wooooah woah its called the internet. Some things havent. Get ready for a reunion 3 million light years in the making. Woohoo yeah stephen hey, everybody, welcome back my first guest tonight is a multiplatinum, grammywinning artist, a bestselling author, and actor you know from his 11 seasons on ncis los angeles. Please welcome back to the late show ll cool j. cheers and applause stephen hey, dapper dan. Dapper dan. Stephen good to see you again. Whats up . Whats up . cheers and applause i like the vibe. Stephen now, this being wednesday, tomorrow is thanksgiving. Right. Stephen and this is this is our last show before we take a little bit of a break. Absolutely. Stephen i like to do the cooking. Do you do the cooking for thanksgiving . No, if i cooked you would be in the hospital. It would be tough. Stephen i find that hard to believe. Because i saw deep blue sea. You played a cook in deep blue sea. A jesusloving cook who has a cockatoo or Something Like that. Thats true. I love jesus, i like birds, but i only made an omelet in deep blue sea. Thanksgiving requires a little more cooking than that. And im not your guy, no. Stephen you never cooked for yourself . A lot of chinese food. Stephen i know that recipe. Lets not make it sound fancy. I can fry some baloney. I will whip up some baloney for you. You know, you take the fork and stick that little bubble and put on, you know, some toast and a little mustard and mayo. Stephen thats what im talking about. Im a master with that that. Stephen the whole thing goes in the turkey. Ill tell you one thing i can do i know how to carve a turkey. Stephen oh, really . Yeah. Stephen whats your approach . You go right by the back bone. Stephen and come in like that and its all slices. All my vegan friends are real unhappy with me right now. Sorry stephen now this is this is this is exciting. You announced that youre doing the youre hosting the Kennedy Center honors this year. Yes, yes. Stephen thats a great yes. applause . Thank you, thank you. Stephen its one of my favorite nights one of my favorite nights in the year. Also in 2017, you were the first hiphop artist honored with a Kennedy Center honor which was very meaningful to a lot of people. What did that mean to you . You know, its amazing because as my career progressed we were able to do a lot of firsts for hiphop and thats firsts for not just for me but it lifts the entire genre up and validates it with a certain audience at a certain level. Thats truly rarified and im honored to be a part of it. It will be cool to host and just have a good time and get out there. Its not about me. Its about the show. Were going to have some fun and, you know, Kennedy Center honors, baby, lets do it. Stephen i hosted a few time i hosted a few times and its its like a whole weekend. Its a really fun weekend, its like youre going to a wedding. You go to the state department, you have a dinner. I remember one year ste