You are now recognized for your opening statement. Did you feel threatened . laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, free bird plus, stephen welcomes paul rudd and Adrienne Warren featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey how are you . Hey, everybody, thanks so much. Oh, what a crowd what a crowd, my friend, beautiful. Welcome, one and all thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. We are just two days you can feel the excitement. You know why . Because the holidays are coming. Were two days away from thanksgiving. Now heres a little tip if you want moist breast meat, put your turkey in the oven now, at 75 degrees for 48 hours. laughter today, the president and first lady participated in the traditional pardoning of the turkeys ceremony. When he heard the news, Paul Manafort said gobbling laughter this year, the two turkeys up for pardon were called bread and butter. They got into town on sunday night and this is true they stayed in a suite in the historic willard hotel. You know the willards motto theres a chance a bird pooped on your pillow. I dont know why they stay in a hotel. I dont know why. Then came the big pardon. Butter, i wish you a lot of luck. I hereby grant you a full and complete pardon. Stephen a great moment for butter. He butter got the official pardon moment. Only one thing bread won the white house twitter poll by 12 points but, of course, the Electoral College picked butter. laughter jon wow wow stephen still, i gotta say bit of a shocker, i am surprised applause lovely people. Theyre all invited to dinner. Im surprised bread won the popular vote. I cant believe its not butter. laughter cheers and applause that joke from little richie dom, age 8. Trumps been hanging out with animals all week. Yesterday, the white house received a visit from conan the hero dog from the albaghdadi raid. And trump was excited to shake its paw. So this is conan, right now probably the worlds most famous dog. I was told about the breed. I was told about conan himself. Stephen there you have it. laughter the president praised conan himself, runofthemill moment where the leader of the free world goes on tv to thank a dog. No way to mess that up, right . Wrong. laughter because after spending the whole day thinking conan was a very good boy, we got word that a white house official confirmed that conan the dog is female. cheers and applause as trump wait, wait, wait. Conans a girl . Whatever she said is a lie. Yes, yes, i moved on her like a bitch, but shes literally a female dog. Its okay to say that. It was consensual petting. laughter anyway, a simple doggender misunderstanding. Weve all done it. Lets move on. Now lets come back, because less than two hours later, white house officials informed the media conan the dog is a male, even though they had previously said conan was female. Okay, are they confused, or are they just changing it again to match what the president said . The president is correct. Conan is, indeed, male. In addition, scientists believe that windmills cause cancer, and diet coke is a food group. laughter now, they couldnt identify the gender of an animal that, may i remind you, is not wearing pants. laughter twice. Twice. Then, this afternoon, a defense official told a reporter conan, the hero dog from the albaghdadi raid is, in fact, a girl. Oh, for petes sake will somebody please just take a close look at that dogs crotch . I mean, have the dog do it thats kind of their thing thats why were so jealous we are, because he can. Okay, so after being a boy, then a girl, then a boy, conan is a girl. Luckily, thats all the time we have to spend on whether conans got the kibbles or the bits, until one hour later, when the same reporter tweeted, two defense officials have now contacted us to say conan is for sure a boy. One official said they triple checked. laughter im not. I dont i dont understand. Jon triple checked . Stephen triple checked . Hold on. Yeah, okay. That works out. That works out. In the spirit of those who shared their maize with the pilgrims on the first thanksgiving, today trump signed an executive order to combat violence against native americans. And he complimented one of the attendees on their name. We have a man whose name i want to use. I maybe have to change my name because i love this name, alvin a. J. Notafraid, chairman of the crow nation. I love this name is it true youre not afraid . Are you not afraid of anything . Stephen as trump really . Youre not afraid . Youre not afraid of anything . Not even stairs . Or bette midler . Not afraid of anything . Of course, the one thing trump is afraid of is impeachment. And ill give you the latest on that in tonights don and the giant impeach. Somebody said something that could have been a little bit wrong. Stephen now, it looks like the impeachment inquiry may be wrapping up, because yesterday, Committee Chair adam schiff sent a letter to members of the house announcing that the impeachment committees report will be finished soon after Congress Returns from the thanksgiving recess, just in time for the christmas season. In fact, ive already got my impeachment advent calendar. Its so exciting. The entire month of december its so exciting. cheers and applause there you go. Okay, every day its got all the doors here, and every day, you open a door and you get a piece of candy. Lets get the first piece right now. Oh, whats this . Just a little note there. Just a second. Youll get your candy, but i would like you to do us a favor, though. laughter cheers and applause it was a long walk, but it was a lovely view. Im surprised that schiff ended it so quickly. This is the biggest congressional hearing in a generation. Its an event. Its quid pro quochella. And the headliners havent played yet the Mick Mulvaney experience, mike pompeo speed wagon, and mike pence, a. K. A. White snake. laughter up until now up until this moment, trump has blocked testimony by any of these aides. But all those guys might have to testify now, thanks to a ruling involving former white House Counsel and americas angry first husband, don mcgahn. Congress has subpoenaed mcgahn to testify about trumps efforts to obstruct the mueller investigation. Trump blocked it, and congress sued. Well, yesterday, a federal judge ruled that mcgahn must testify before house impeachment investigators. cheers and applause as announcer don mcgahn, come on down youre the next contestant on. the prez is wrong laughter now, the president s lawyers argued that seniorlevel aides like mcgahn are immune from testifying because they count as the president s alter egos. Wait a second. Trump has alter egos . What did he do, did he horcrux himself . laughter as trump okay, im going to hide parts of my soul in objects that are precious to me. Somebody get me a bucket of chicken, okay. Im going to make a horclucks. Heres the deal judge Ketanji Brown jackson explicitly rejected that logic, writing, president s are not kings. True, very true. cheers and applause jon that lays it out right there. Stephen i will say eric trump does look royalfamily inbred. laughter as eric my bones are like twizzlers but trumps not worried. This morning, he tweeted, the d. C. Wolves and Fake News Media are reading far too much into people being forced by courts to testify before congress. I am fighting for future president s and the office of the president. Other than that, i would actually like people to testify. as trump its so true. I would like nothing more than for Rudy Giuliani to testify before congress accompanied by his Legal Counsel a twoliter box of franzia. laughter now, trumps gotten a lot of criticism this week for pardoning a navy seal convicted of a war crime, but this morning, he fired back on twitter. I will always protect our great war fighters. War fighters . Nobody calls them that. Im pretty sure thats the name of the generic video game your grandmother buys when you ask for call of duty. It was in a 3 bin outside of joann fabrics. Its only playable on the nintendo cube. Isnt that what you have . But trump may have another motive besides standing up for the war fighters, because today, news leaked that trump has told allies he wants these absolved war criminals to campaign for him. Sure, campaigning with war criminals is an american tradition. Thats why nixon stumped in iowa with colonel kurtz. Nixon 72 the horror. The horror. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Paul rudd is here. But when we return, meanwhile stick around only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. For fast pain relief. Hurry in for up to seventy five percent off storewide. And one day only, this thursday, all jeans are fifty percent off only at old navy im Christina Stembel and i chose the spark cash card from capital one with unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back, which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer. 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Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human. Right over there. Give it up for the band. cheers and applause roasty toasty. Jon, you know whos here tonight . One of the loveliest men in show business, just an absolute prince of a guy and a fantastic and funny actor. Mr. Paul rudd is going to be out here in just a moment. Hes got a new show living with yourself on netflix. You know, friends and neighbors, i spend a lot of time over there roasting up the succulent, 30 pound thanksgiving turkey that is my monologue. But while that babys cooking, i like to rummage around in the pantry for the smaller stories, the stale minimarshmallows, blow the dust from that lime jello packet, crack open that bulging can of mandarin oranges, and toss em all together in the ambrosia salad of news that is my segment, meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile, america is excited for the thanksgiving day parade here in new york, where, for three hours a year, we pretend there has been no advancement in entertainment since 1924. Unfortunately, gusty winds forecast for new york on thursday may ground the popular giant balloons, as a strong cold front will pass through the area wednesday evening, setting up the stage for howling winds and Cool Conditions on thanksgiving. They also expect that extreme chill to move across the dinner table when cousin tyler tells grandpa, actually, gender is a spectrum. laughter okay . Okay . But a californiabased company is here to help diffuse the tension, offering to help you survive thanksgiving with their cannabis infused gravy. cheers and applause come on no come on, that is clearly a gateway condiment. It starts with a few dollops of cannabis gravy. Then, next thanksgiving, youre making p. C. P. Can pie and green bean crackerole. Meanwhile, this video is going viral of a fullon thanksgiving dinner breaking out on the l train to brooklyn here in new york. Thanksgiving plate . Here you go. Here you go. Thank you green beans potato, tomatoes stephen well, there you have it documentary evidence of the first time anyone has ever been happy on the l train. laughter cheers and applause dark place. Dark, dirty place. Meanwhile, youve all heard the phrase netflix and chill. Well, now that disney has hit the scene, users have created a new phrase to allude to sexual activities disney and thrust. laughter really . Really . Thats a little on the nose. If youre lucky. Though, still not as explicit as hbo now and plow, or the most sexually explicit streaming service, cbs all access. laughter cheers and applause 9. 95. 9. 95 a month, no commercials. Synergy. Meanwhile, in meat news, customs and Border Protection seized 154 pounds of prohibited bologna this week at the u. S. mexico Border Crossing in el paso, texas. Border patrol agents seized the meat, but the criminal fled the scene. So authorities are asking the public to be on the lookout for this vehicle. laughter well be right back with mr. Paul rudd paul the holidays at sprint are truly a magical time. sprintern i turned my iphone 6s into the new iphone 11. paul its true, switch and trade in an iphone 6s or newer in any condition and get the powerful new iphone 11 for just 0 a month. sprintern magic for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com but since they bought their new house. Which menu am i looking at here . Start with tapaz. Oh, its tapas. Tapas. Get out of town. Its like eating dinner with your parents. Sandra, are you in school . Yes, im in art school. Oh, wow. So have you thought about how youre gonna make money . At least were learning some new things. We bundled our home and auto with progressive, saved a bunch. Oh, we got a wobbler. Progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. Thats what the extra menus for. When you bundle with us. I was on the fence about changing from a manual to an electric toothbrush. But my hygienist said going electric could lead to way cleaner teeth. She said, get the one inspired by dentists, with a round brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs gentle rounded brush head removes more plaque along the gum line. For cleaner teeth and healthier gums. And unlike sonicare, oralb is the First Electric toothbrush brand accepted by the ada for its effectiveness and safety. What an amazing clean ill only use an oralb oralb. Brush like a pro. Laso you can enjoy it even ifst youre sensitive. Se. Yet some say it isnt real milk. I guess those cows must actually be big dogs. Sit i said sit band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back ladies and gentlemen, if you like my first guest tonight, youre in luck, because in his new show, theres two of him. Please welcome the one, the only, paul rudd. cheers and applause band playing how nice. All right. How nice. All right. Stephen paul rudd, everybody, look at that, delightful. Thats very, very, very very, very nice. Uncalled for, but thank you. I appreciate it. Stephen not at all. People love their paul rudd. Now i teased the show living with yourself just now with the concept, theres two of you. What does that mean that there are two of you in the show . I get cloned. So, there are two characters named miles elliot, but i unwittingly get cloned. I dont realize im getting cloned. I think im just getting a spa treatment. laughter stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen that is that is a new definition of full release right there. laughter so you said it. And then i wake up. Next thing i know im waking up in a grave, and then i find out when i get back to my house that i am actually there, and the new and improved version of me is at my house. Stephen and you play both. You play both of you. I play both of me. Stephen okay, now obviously, people love one paul rudd. Two paul rudds cheers and applause the math goes like this one paul rudd is good. Two paul rudds is better. Wouldnt three paul rudds be best . Didnt you stop one paul rudd short . I dont think they did. Some people might say they went two too many. Stephen how do you feel about watching both of you on screen . Is there one of the characters you like more . No. Its you know, sometimes its hard to watch yourself on screen. This ones particularly rough because i have to be judgmental towards two performances. And its you know, i just can get critical over each choice. So its kind of double the pain. Stephen do you normally not watch yourself . No, i dont know. Ill watch it. Usually ill watch it when its being edited or done, but after, that, i tend to let it go. I dont really pay attention. Stephen you dont have paul rudd film festivals in your house. No, i dont. Stephen come on over, everybody no, i just sit at the computer and watch clips. laughter stephen so this is whats your characters name, miles . Miles, yeah. Stephen now, theres a new andimproved miles in this. If you could improve paul rudd lets lets bring this home. Lets make this real, lets get our fingers underneath this. All right, lets do it stephen lets explore that feeling. If you could improve paul rudd what, would you change . I think i would be 62. laughter as opposed to 61. Stephen are you 61 . No, im 510. laughter stephen okay. But it would be nice. Stephen sure. 62 seems like thats a good height. How tall are you . Stephen 62. laughter of course, you are are you 62. Stephen no, no, i am 511. And i am one of 11 kids, and none of us made it to six feet, and i was determined to be six feet. But my boys are both over six feet tall. Do you have kids . Yeah, my son is 15. Hes taller than me. I just had this memory. When i was in high school, i made a fake i. D. , and i was so dumb that i put my height at 512. That was actually thanks. I should have i should have i should say i didnt do it for myself. I did it for my friend jeff. I didnt know how tall he was. By the way, in a typewriter. It looks typed. I even i even messed up and put whiteout on one thing and typed another thing and you can see the whiteout. And i used these we used these fake i. D. S to go to florida for spring break. Stephen did they work . Did they work . I took a copy of the state seal of florida, black and white xeroxed copy, put it on the back, just the state seal. I remember giving it we were all nervous. We went to some bar and gave it to the bouncer. And hes like, come on. And the owner comes over and looks at it and flipped it over an