Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight all hill breaks loose. And stephen makes a new lord of the rings trilogy. Tonight, stephen welcomes Kamala Harris. And Lady Antebellum. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape at the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello happy thursday. Please have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is cheers and applause and you can feel the excitement. Everybody is so excited about day five of the live impeachment hearings. cheers and applause yeah. The witnesses have been compelling, theyve corroborated what the whistleblower said, but the people on the say whole thing has one problem the issue keeps on being kind of complicated for people to follow. Has this gotten too confusing for the American People . There are too many names, and too many of you tell me youre too confused. I know that sometimes its not easy to follow all these all the names in this particular saga. Stephen are you seriously claiming that its not easy for americans to follow sagas with a lot of characters . Have you heard of game of thrones . cheers and applause for petes sake it was pretty popular ill tell you, these hearings are a lot like game of thrones. The g. O. P. Is full of white walkers. laughter Lindsey Graham has clearly had his balls cut off. laughter jon whoa, whoa stephen and at least one character has indicated he wants to sleep with a family member. laughter jon oh, my goodness stephen thats why jon why . Stephen thats why jon why . Mes. Tephen thatsphteno jon what . cheers and applause stephen that joke was based on a true story. laughter thats why for one night only, were rechristening our coverage of the impeachment hearings game of phones a song of lies and liars. bird caws stephen now caw now, despite what the brain trust there claim, this is a very simple story. Trump released the transcript of his perfect phone call back in september, in which the president of ukraine said he wanted more military aid, then trump immediately replied, i would like you to do us a favor, though, and then asked zelensky to investigate clintons server and joe biden. Not rocket surgery. But to help everyone remember, weve written this catchy jingle. Theres just one thing stephen everybody stephen now nicely done. Jon simple jingle. Stephen by mennen laughter now, todays testimony was also easy for you to understand and hard for trump to swallow. First up, diplomatic aide and 1960s Sears Roebuck mannequin, david holmes. Holmes was stationed in ukraine, and leading up to the swearing in of the new ukrainian president , he said there was a slight problem at one point, during a preliminary meeting of the inaugural delegation, someone wondered why mr. Giuliani was so active in the media, with respect to ukraine. My reaction was that ambassador sondland stated, damn it, rudy. Every time rudy gets involved, he goes and fs everything up. laughter jon oh, wow. Stephen yes. Jon uhhuh. piano riff stephen fs. Which, this being cbs, im going to say, means rudy funs things up. He is one dumb motherfunner. laughter Holmes Holmes is best known for overhearing trumps phone call with Gordon Sondland in a ukrainian restaurant but trump says thats impossible. as trump i have been watching people making phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have i been watching a person making a call, which was not on speakerphone, and been able to hear or understand a conversation. laughter really . Really . cheers and applause really . Maybe because youve been watching phone calls. laughter try listening to them. as trump no matter how wide i open my eyes, i couldnt hear a thing. I might need glasses. laughter the other witness today was former white house advisor and role thats going to finally win Laurie Metcalf an oscar, fiona hill. Dr. Hill grew up in england and came into the hearing with a reputation for not suffering fools lightly. Once a boy in her class set one of her pigtails on fire while she was taking a test. She put the fire out with her hands, then finished the test. Oh my gosh cheers and applause jon thats fierce stephen that is tough that is tough you dont mess with that. Jon dont mess with her. Stephen she is a terror in pigtails. Forget pippi longstocking, shes pippi asskicking. cheers and applause the first butts she booted this morning were republicans who insist on floating bizarre conspiracy theories about the 2016 election. Based on questions and statements i have heard, some of you on this committee appear to believe that russia and its Security Services did not conduct a campaign against our country, and that perhaps, somehow, for some reason, ukraine did. This is a fictional narrative that has been perpetrated and propagated by the russian Security Services themselves. These fictions are harmful, even if they are deployed for purely domestic political purposes. Stephen really, are you sure . Because this article in russia today says that youre an illuminati lizard person and i am a very smart handsome man. laughter now cheers and applause now, hill had a stark warning for americans. The russian governments goal is to weaken our country. Stephen sorry, russia. You already got beat to the punch by legal weed and netflix. laughter hill confirmed previous reports that nobody likes Rudy Giuliani. Ambassador bolton had looked pained, basically indicated with body language that there was nothing much we could do about it, and he then, in the course of that discussion, said that Rudy Giuliani was a hand grenade that was going to blow everyone up. laughter stephen uh, i dont know about hand grenade. Rudy seems more like a molotov cocktail used by russians and full of alcohol. laughter hill explained cheers and applause piano riff these are quality people. Jon yes, great. Stephen hill explained that she attended a meeting with ambassador bolton, rick perry, and ambassador sondland on july 11, where sondland brought up the conditions for zelensky to get a meeting with trump. After the meeting bolton was so freaked out that he told hill to go immediately to the n. S. C. Lawyer john eisenberg. You tell eisenberg, ambassador bolton told me, that i am not part of the this whatever drug deal that mulvaney and sondland are cooking up. Stephen yes, sondland and mulvaney were cooking up a drug deal. Its all in the new drama, breaking bald. laughter the prestige. A prestige drama. applause then dr. Hill told the committee exactly how she felt about Gordon Sondland promoting the president s political agenda in ukraine. It struck me when, yesterday, when you put up on the screen ambassador sondlands emails and who was on these emails, and he said these are the people that need to know, that he was absolutely right. Because he was being involved in a domestic political errand, and we were being involved in National Security foreign policy. I did say to him, ambassador sondland, gordon, i fear this is all going to blow up. And here we are. Stephen as hill and now that it has. Ive prepared a brief statement. in your face, in your face, i was right, so suck it laughter cheers and applause clears throat so suck it, you witless wanker. laughter sorry, i had a little frog in my throat. I like her a lot. Yesterday, during the impeachment hearings, trump traveled down to austin, texas, where he toured an apple manufacturing plant. Oh, that must have been confusing for him. as trump ah, guys, theres a name for an apple plant. Its called a tree. laughter while touring the factory, a reporter asked trump how he felt about Gordon Sondlands testimony well, i think it was fantastic. I think they have to end it now. He said there was no quid pro quo. Stephen no. laughter no, he didnt. Sondland said this was there a quid pro quo . The answer is yes. cheers and applause jon wow. He said yes. It was clearly yes. Yes. Stephen well, you can understand trumps confusion. There are at least 19 women who say he cant hear the difference between yes and no. audience reacts piano riff applause now, after his visit, trump proudly tweeted, today i opened a major apple manufacturing plant in texas. Wow, that would be quite an accomplishment, if that plant hadnt been operating since 2013. laughter jon oh, man. Stephen no surprise, though. No surprise. Jon thats 44. Thats 44. Stephen its right up there, its right there in trumps reelection slogan, promises made, promises kept by obama, six yes cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Senator Kamala Harris is here. But when we come back, new zealand week continues, when Peter Jackson and i premiere my new lord of the rings trilogy. Dont miss this. cheers and applause band playing limu emu doug hour 36 in the stakeout. As soon as the homeowners arrive, well inform them that Liberty Mutual customizes home insurance, so theyll only pay for what they need. Your turn to keep watch, limu. Wake me up if you see anything. [ snoring ] [ loud squawking and siren blaring ] only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Aul sprinte 6s the non e l time paul s true, iphe 6s or newer in any condition and get the powerful new iphone 11 for just 0 a month. sprintern magic for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com iced chai. Ry. Pad thai. Baked pie. Pork chop. Soda pop. Scallop. Kebobs. Soursop. Hot pot. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. Onion ring. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. For your worst sore throat pain, try Vicks Vapocool drops. Its not candy, its powerful relief. Ahhh vaporize sore that pain with Vicks Vapocool drops and try new vapocool spray. Aveeno® with prebiotic striple oat complex balances skins microbiome. So skin looks like this and you feel like this. Aveeno® skin relief. Get skin healthy™ pepsi zero sugar all in the cola flavor. None of the sugar. Trumpand total disaster. Mplete let obamacare implode. Nurse these wild attacks on healthcare hurt the patients i care for. Ive been a nurse in new york for thirty years. I know the difference leadership can make because i saw what Mike Bloomberg did as mayor. Vo mayor bloomberg helped lower the number of uninsured by 40 , covering 700,000 more new yorkers, Life Expectancy increased. He helped expand Health Coverage to 200,000 more kids and upgraded pediatric care infant mortality rates dropped to record lows. And as mayor, Mike Bloomberg always championed Reproductive Health for women. So when you hear Mike Bloomberg on health care. Mrb this is america. We can certainly afford to make sure that everybody that needs to see a doctor can see a doctor, everybody that needs medicines to stay healthy can get those medicines. Nurse you should know, he did it as mayor, hell get it done as president. Mrb im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey everybody welcome back to the show jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause jon hey, yeah stephen jon, we all watched the debate last night and one a lot of people say Kamala Harris did very well. Shes our guest tonight. Were going to talk about it. Jon got to get in there. Stephen fisticuffs out there. But till then, folks, all this week, i have been sharing with you my incredible trip to new zealand. It is such a beautiful country, such a magical place, that im not surprised it was used as the locations for middle earth in the lord of the rings and the hobbit trilogies. And as you may know, writer and director Peter Jackson cast me in the hobbit the desolation of smaug. I had the very Important Role of laketown spy. laughter so when i was back in new zealand, i sat down with my friend, peter, and talked with him about the next logical step in the lord of the rings movie franchise. Jim . Stephen Peter Jackson invited me to his top secret warehouse, where he keeps all the original priceless miniature sets used in lord of the rings. Peter, thanks for having us down to your studio here in wellington. Its fantastic. Stephen as everyone knows, i appeared in the hobbit the desolation of smaug. Yeah, yeah. knocking stephen now, you have decades of experience directing. How would you describe my six second appearance on screen . Well, it was profound. You took it very seriously. You took it more seriously than i thought you would. Stephen i think i took it more seriously than you did. I think you took it more seriously than any actor in the film. Stephen what was your favorite moment from my performance . Was it when my eye patch when the eye patch fell, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen fell that time . Yeah, yeah. That was that was thats a skill. Stephen thank you. People just say lines, and they can they can walk around, but just to do that with one little flick, thats like thats an actor using their costume in in an emotional way. Stephen their instrument. Uhhuh. Stephen you know, being back here gives me an idea. And hear me out before you say, yes, yes, absolute yes. What if we spun off my character, laketown spy, into his own series of trilogies . Back story . laughter my character is actually aragorns slightly hotter twin brother, darrylgorn. laughter i think its kind of believable because a lot of people go, you know, when im walking on the streets in new york, they go, are you Viggo Mortensen . And i go, no, im not. And they go they go, stop messing with me. laughter i go, i promise you, im not Viggo Mortensen. In what ways do i remind you of viggo . As a professional, as a director. Youve directed both of us. Um, im remind well, very very little, in fact, which is good. laughter because youre original. Youre youre oneoff, you youre not youre nothing like viggo. Stephen what i want to ask you is, obviously, i i hear the yes, but, would you want to direct this movie . Well, look no. Stephen . laughter lets put that on hold for a second, okay . Lets put the no aside. And put it in a little box called yes. And then close the lid and lock it and leave it right there, okay . So you dont know what the answer is right now. It says like, it says yes on the box. But we dont know what the answer is, could be no, its rattling around trying to get out. Theres a no inside it, but. Stephen theres a no inside the yes box, but right now we cant tell that because weve locked in no, okay. Stephen youre known for your cameos. Well, youre youre the carrot man in bree. In the two towers, you throw a spear out at the urukhai coming up to helms deep. In the return of the king, you get shot with an arrow on one of the black ships, the corsairs of umbar. What if i could offer you a gratuitous cameo . I yeah, okay, well, i i might have a little bit of some time, as long as we can shoot fast. Stephen great, because we already made the trailer. Jim . Stephen i cannot tell you from whence i came or what my errand may be. Know only this i am called the laketown spy. Mayhap you recognize my visage from the desolation of smaug. laughter nothing . You know who smaug is, right . Dragon. Big guy. Hard to miss. Breathes fire. Like dragons do. And he desolated everything. I was in that. It was kind of a big deal first there was the lord of the rings trilogy. Then, the lord of the rings extended cut. Then, the hobbit trilogy. Then, the hobbit extended cut. And now, after 1,179 minutes, the real saga finally begins. laughter stephen legends hold that aragorn had an evenmore ruggedly handsome identical twin. And who might that be . laughter guys, come on, its me i am. Darrylgorn. laughter from the mind of the creator of lord of the rings biggest fan. Stephen so he says, thats not a tree, thats an ent. And i said, no wonder all this syrup tastes so funny. Come on i was sexually pleasuring a tree. Ror oh, a text for me oh, noe,ssagfromy ie, gand askig o mdlearth. Again. An epic journey. Hurry stephen hey, guys, i really got a feeling that the adventure is downhill. Oh, yeah, i hear the black riders. Im going to go give them what for speaking elvish stephen uh, guys, i speak elvish. I know what you guys were saying. Something about aragorn. Pretty sure. The greatest lover. I have made my choice. Stephen but youre engaged to my brother. There is no hope for us. There is still hope. Stephen you must stay with him. And just imagine its me. Shhhhh. Dont cry. Dont cry, my love. Okay, maybe just a quickie, but dont tell him. The greatest warrior. Stephen forged in the depths of time, it is known by its ancient name swordy mcswordface. laughter we held an online contest. It was a big mistake. The greatest wizard. Stephen hold it in your mind, wormtongue. Hold it but do not tell me. Is this your card . laughter the greatest comedian. Stephen so then i said, boromir . I hardly know her. weird slow laugh you like that one . Have you heard the one about the guy who milks the ent . The greatest fan. Stephen and i know everybody thinks that sauron defeated aragorn when aragorn looked through the palantir. But heres what actually happened aragorn confronts sauron using the palantir of orthanc, so sauron thinks that aragorn has defeated saruman and taken the palantir for his own as the heir of elendil. But by implication, hes taken the ruling ring, okay . So, what does sauron do . He attacks minas tirith before hes ready, man. He got totally played by aragorn. I mean, aragorns all up in saurons head. Or giant, you know, flaming eyeball. Whatever it is. Anyway, i attack with a longsword. 10 points damage. laughter your initiative. The film everyone is talking about. A gripping mystery. As to why this was made. Variety. Theres no movie i wont blurb says peter travers, rolling stone. Cease and desist, j. R. R. T