Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight two secret servants. Plus, stephen welcomes laura dern and musical guest kesha featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo yeah come on come on beautiful beautiful hey, why not . Great. Shorten it up. Beautiful. Hey, welcome hello, my friends, up there, down here, down there. Hello, jonathan. Stephen audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen hey thank you very much. Ome, a them late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is as you can tell, as you can tell by this crowd, it is friday. cheers and applause and that means and if to you chillax withourto buds,ork then you are the president of the united states, because we just learned that last year, trump spent one of every five days at one of his golf clubs. And, remember, when trump is golfing, were paying for it. And we might not know the full cost for a while, thanks to treasury secretary and kid on bring your child to work day watching his dad get chewed out by the boss, steve mnuchin. Mnuchin is trying to hide how much taxpayers have spent sending trump on his golf etinngs. President ial tl until afr the 2020 election. Audience ooooh stephen not telling us that till after we vote is like sharing your s. T. D. History with your partner after you have sex. No, no, no, no. Its cool, babe. That tingling sensation means the sex is working. And its never going to stop working, we do knbyow the s. Ecret servi bill is going to be pretty big. For example, we spent 96 million on barack obama over eight years. But in 2017, we spent 13. 6 million on trump in just one month. And over the past two years, weve spent 588,000 on secret service golf carts alone. Thats a lot, but golf carts are critical security vehicles. They can be overtaken only if the terrorists discover walking briskly. laughter all right. Now cheers and applause but were not just paying for trump. Were also covering the costs of all the little trumplings. For instance, a few years back, eric trumps visit to a Trump Building in uruguay cost taxpayers 97,000. So when you think about it, its not really yourguay. Its all of our guay. Most of that money was spent in teaching eric that its not pronounced you are gay. laughter applause were also thats a twofer. Thats a twofer. A double dip. Were also learning more about what went on behind the scenes during irans attack on u. S. Military bases this week. Apparently, the white house received an earlywarning message from spy agencies that officials call, a squawk. Normally, when you hear a squawk in the white house, that means its time to feed stephen miller. laughter and as soon applause as soon as he got the warning, trump descended several flights of stairs to the situation room. Wow. That does not sound like trump. What on earth could have motivated him to shamble down several flights of stairs to the situation room . And there were sandwiches piled on a sideboard in the room. laughter as trump gentlemen, we have incoming ballistic hoagies. Alert colonel mustard at strategic sauce command. Its also been revealed that the night of the air strike against soleimani, trump was pulled away from his dinner of meatloaf and ice cream. Though, that could be a Trumps International whoopsies havent been helping his reputation. According to a new poll from the pew research center, 64 of people worldwide said they did not have confidence in president trump. In fact, foreigners trust him less than angela merkel, emmanuel macron, xi jinping, and vladimir putin. But, hey, he is still polling ahead of jeffrey dahmer, harvey weinstein, and one of the menendez brothers. laughter applause now, which one, lyle . Lyle. Hes ahead of lyle. Whats the other one, trevor . One country where the president is as popular as a pine cone suppository is slovenia, where vandals burned a wooden statue of him. Police are still investigating and they have released this security footage of the slovenian woman they believe is behind the attack they cant identify her. They have no idea who she is, none jonwall out melania. Stephen with the iowa caucus less than a month away, candidates are making a big push to get voters attention, including massachusetts senator and tourist going in for a closer look at michelangelos david, Elizabeth Warren. Warren has a new interview with elle magazine, where she covered topics from policy to relationships or, as she plugged it in a tweet, you deserve better. Dump the guy who ghosted you, convince the roommate to let de well, first off, first off, senator, that sounds lovely, but dump the guy who ghosted you . Ghosted means theyre already gone everyone knows that as soon as they ask the late show interns to explain it to them. Warren also did an interview with cosmo, where she dished on her skincare routine. You knew this was coming. What is your skincare routine . So i have had, shes passed now but a much older cousin named tootsie. And years ago, i was, i guess probably somewhere in my 20s, and were at a big family reunion. And tootsie was beautiful. And i looked over at her, and i said, toots, how do you have such gorgeous skin . Stephen im going to interrupt real quick here to point out only Elizabeth Warren could say the sentence, toots, how do you have such gorgeous skin and have it not be creepy . Somewhere out there applause somewhere out there, joe biden . Like, oh, but n, toots toots toots and corn po what did toots say . She said, ponds moisturizer every morning, every night, and never wash your face. So from tootsie to me to you. I never wash my face. Stephen i hate to break it to you, senator warren, but i think toots was messing with you. as old woman heh, watch this. Hey, liz hey, liz use ponds constantly, never wash your face, and did you know were half native american . Tell everyone thats a wrap on toots toots is out applause never wash never wash just dont bathe laughter i neveret her. I never met her, and i love toots. Ghter au ltohe post,n had just finished hiking on washingtons north cascades mountains when she dropped in for lunch with jay inslee, whose endorsement she was seeking. Oh, she just happened to be hiking near jay inslees house . Whats next . She just happens to be on the same halfpipe as beto orourke . as warren what a coincidence you thrash here, too . Ug , ofourse, theres one i popped an ollie. Jon nice nice, elizabeth. Stephen of course, theres one story we should all be paying attention to, and that is the wildfires in australia that have so far devastated almost 20 million acres. It is heartbreaking to see. But there is a bright spot people across the world are coming together to help. And if youd like too go t colb, ertlatesnahow. Com austrat. We have some links for you to follow. People from all walks of life are pitching in, like thousands in the knitting community who have united to knit, crochet, and sew shelters for animals affected by the crisis. You know what they say gotta fight fire with yarn. laughter applause im being told do not fight fire with yarn. Jon dont do that. Stephen the volunteers are knitting joey pouches, nests, and bat wraps, and even mittens for koalas. Fun fact mittens for koalas is the cutest combination of words in the english language, just ahead of puppy tummy time and baby yoda nibbles. laughter celebrities out there are also helping by raising money. The original lineup of the wiggles have announced that they will reunite for bushfire benefit shows. You heard me right the original lineup. Tin they replaced greg page with that turtlenecked wannawiggle, sam moran . This is the real stuff from back in the day when the wiggles walked off stage to honeydipped groupies writhing in piles of cocaine. Hot potato, hot potato cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti the online communitys also pitching in. A model on instagram says her nudes have raised 700,000 for australian fire relief. And i never thsapet rviouyd laughter yeah. They stepped up. They stepped up. Jon my goodness. Stephen in fact, porn is so profitable for charity, theyve also scheduled a 5k fun rub. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Laura dern is here. But when we come back, meanwhile shishito. Burrito. Raw kitfo. Fried shiso. French fry. Iced chai. Tasty. Pad thai. Baked pie. Half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. Baby back. Pork chop. Soda pop. Kebab. Soursop. Hot pot. Im hungry now. Noodle soup. Cantaloupe. Ice cream scoop. Whipped cream bloop. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. And those crispy onion rings. We are americas kitchen. Doorsh. Ery flor welme. 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Our liquid has a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. {tires screeching} {truck honking} [alarm beeping] avo life doesnt give you many second chances. But a subaru can. dad you guys ok . You alright . Wow. avo eyesight with precollision braking. Standard on the subaru ascent. The threerow subaru ascent. Love. Its what makes a subaru a subaru. Trumpand total disaster. Mplete let obamacare implode. Nurse these wild attacks on healthcare hurt the patients i care for. Ive been a nurse in new york for thirty years. I know the difference leadership can make because i saw what Mike Bloomberg did as mayor. Vo mayor bloomberg helped lower the number of uninsured by 40 , covering 700,000 more new yorkers, Life Expectancy increased. He helped expand Health Coverage to 200,000 more kids and upgraded pediatric care infant mortality rates dropped to record lows. And as mayor, Mike Bloomberg always championed Reproductive Health for women. So when you hear Mike Bloomberg on health care. Mrb this is america. We can certainly afford to make sure that everybody that needs everybody that needs medicines seer aoc dto ta stoy healthy he did it as mayor, hell get it done as president. Mrb im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, for everybo jod stay human, everybody jon, happy friday. Happy friday. Jon happy friday. Stephen im very excited. Our guest tonight, laura dern, is going to be out here in just a moment, along with kesha. Kesha will be out here performing and talking. Laura dern is in she just won a golden globe. Jon thats right. Stephen for Marriage Story. Stn and she plays marmee in little women. Unbelievable. Ironic, little women shes aal jon shes very tue. Stephen shes very tall. Jon she can pull it off. Stephen next tuesday we have a live show because its a debate, right, the last debate before the iowaote. Were going to be live here after that, and our guest is going to be president ial candidate mayor Michael Bloomberg. Its going to be historic. Historic. Never been done before. Jon giving him a shot, huh . Stephen folks, i spend a lot of time rogjt over there panning in the river of news for the biggest, shiniest golden news nuggets to put in my monologue. But once in a while, i like to strap together a bunch of stolen computers, throw them in a basement with an illegal hookup to the municipal power source, and mine for bitcoin, which i use to form the black market fiat currency of news that is my segment meanwhile ba thats it. Nailed the landing. Meanwhile, the reality show the bachelor is getting a musical spinoff series, which they describe as a mix between the bachelor and a star is born. Really . A star is born . Have you seen that film . The final rose ceremony is going to be very dark. Meanwhile jon spoiler alert. Stephen it wasnt my metaphor. Meanwhile, a new show called murder house flip fixes up homes where murders have happened. Im all in. Ill watch anything with murder house in the title. My favorite show is murder, she housed. Now, folks, if murder house sounds like the kind of thing a comedy writer who watches too much hgtv would come up with as a joke, that might be because six years ago, my executive producer,who a too much hgtv thought of it while trying to imagine the worst home renovation show he could. It became such a joke around the office and this is absolutely true that for christmas, some staffers had a murder house urusnorethfo mf m r iasitcan li noom t im afraid i can, stephen. Stephen now, that thing youre wearing, is that the fleece . Yes, it is. Stephen so, where did you first get the idea for murder house . Well, one day i urgently had to renovate my house, and it st came to me. laughter applause stephen was there a reason yes, there was. laughter stephen meanwhile, footage went viral this week of a cuttlefish in a study at the university of minnesota that has been fitted with 3d glasses. Finally cuttlefish will be able to enjoy hobbs shaw the way it was meant to be seen. The scientists showed the cuttlefish animated 3d shrimp, and the fish attacked them the same way they would real ones. The results will be published in the prestigious new england journal of punking cephalapods. laughter meanwhile, the Consumer Electronics show is still going on in las vegas where charmin, of all brands, unveiled some new tech, something called v. I. Pee, a premium porta potty experience, enhanced with an oculus rift virtualreality headset. Because thats everyones first thought whenever i enter a porta potty how can i spend more dern. N here . 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Thats where the duper comes in. The all new super duper slam just seven ninety nine. See you at dennys. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an Emmy Awardwinning actor you know from Big Little Lies, twin peaks, and jurassic park. She just won a golden globe for her role in Marriage Story. Please welcome to the late show, laura dern. Pl apau se wow i love i love being here. Stephen how delightful. So nice to see you again. Its so great to see you. And i love being a surprise. Thank you. Thank you, all. Stephen congratulations on your golden globe. Thank you stephen for Marriage Story. Thank you stephen well deserved. Thank you. Stephen is that is that fun . Ive never been to the Golden Globes because our show they dont have a category for us. I mean, its so fun. Robert de niro was sitting right behind me. How can it not be fun . Youre seeing people who are such icons and idols to you. Stephen laura dern. I mean, come on i saw myself. I was just freaked out and thrilled. No, but it is amazing, you know, to be im such a fan of fleabag succession, so seeing the cast of these shows was so exciting. Stephen Marriage Story is one of the most moving, heartbreaking, funny, and beautiful movies ive seen in years. Thank you for your performance, and for everybody involved in it. I know that Noel Baumbach thank you. Stephen th oelau bplmb. Acsehap ly involved the performers in sort of the in conversations before the script was completed, while it was still being developed. He did, which was amazing. Stephen what did you guys talk about . You know, we started it was with myself, adam driver, and scarlett johansson, who are incredible in this film. And we started talking about life and relationships, and noah said he wanted to make a love story. And over the course of some months, he and i had dinner, and i remember him saying, i think i want to tell a love story thro