Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

Jon so celebrate two wonderful things at once, with jon batiste sings classic valentines dayblack History Month love songs. And have a happy black valentines day History Month. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, biden headed south. Plus stephen welcomes James Marsden, sam heughan, with a special appearance by john oliver, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen there we go hey nice to see you cheers and applause jon theyre ready, theyre ready. Its thursday stephen thats an amazing audience. I wish these people had been here last night laughter jon i feel fat. Stephen welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause happy, happy thursday, everybody. The democratic primaries are off and running. So far, weve seen results from iowa and new hampshire. Next, the campaign moves on to a caucus in nevada. Which is perfect for bernie. Hell fit right in at the nickel slots. as bernie playing slots come on baby needs a new pair of shoes. Because the millionaires and the billionaires refuse to pay the baby a living wage. Come on, lets go laughter piano riff interesting side note, in nvada, ties in the delegate allocation process will be resolved by drawing cards. High card wins. Laugh thats a little too on brand, that would be like florida deciding its election by having the candidates wrestle a meth gator. laughter applause dangerous, those meth gators. They got nothing to lose. But the next actual primary is in my home state of South Carolina. The palmetto state. South cackalacky. The topshelf carolina. cheers and applause you know that North Carolina rail licker. I was a safe to son. Im going to be on this election like shrimp on grits. Like mustard sauce on barbecue. Like confederate flags on more vehicles than i am comfortable acknowledging. laughter ill catch you up on the latest in tonights edition of i have a plan for that. A progressive agenda. Donald trumps Worst Nightmare were at each others throats. honking corn pop was a bad dude. They are stone cold crazy. Fury road to the white house, 2020. cheers and applause stephen assuming they dont secede between now and then, South Carolina is holding their primary on saturday, february 29. Thats leap day. A day that exists only once every four years. Just like the South Carolina democratic party. laughter the South Carolina electorate is a whole new ball game for the dems. Joe biden pointed out why up until now, we have not heard from the most committed constituents, the African American community. cheers and applause 99. 9 . That is the percentage of African American voters who have not yet had a chance to vote in america. 99. 8 , that is the percent of latino voters who have not had a chance to vote. Stephen well, sure but thats because the first two votes are iowa and new hampshire. laughter those states are so white, you have to go to the supermarkets International Aisle to buy pepper. laughter cheers and applause biden currently leads among black voters, with 27 . To all the black voters, i am joe biden and i hope you will change this election and vote for joe, which rhymes with bo. its his dog. Come on im dying here si se puede cheers and applause long walk. The second most popular candidate among African Americans is former new york mayor Michael Bloomberg with 22 . Sounds surprising, but bloomberg has been out there in the African American community, shaking hands and frisking babies. laughter piano riff its true. Its true. Got to check the diaper. Bloomberg has been rising in the polls, but there could be some hurdles for his campaign. In the past, hes been accused in several lawsuits of creating an uncomfortable Workplace Environment for women, but he wont release women who sued him from their nondisclosure agreements. Oh, goul good yet another new york billionaire with a questionable history with women. Next were going to find out about his sons, merrick and bloom jr. Whraf laugh heres something, award season isnt quite over because we just learned the winner of the london Natural History museums wildlife photo award. Of course, last years winner was this shot of a marmot. Im going to say, teaching a fox the choreography from chicago. laughter this year, the award went to this photo, called station squabble, of two mice fighting, taken in a london tube station. Its an amazing photo, but when i think of nature, i dont think of rodents strangling each other in a train station. Really seems like the guy snapped it on the way to work. Wait, the wildlife photo is due when . I cant get to africa by then hand me a biscuit fight, fight, fight piano riff cheers and applause weve got some positive news china says the rate of new Coronavirus Infections has been slowing. But the w. H. O. Is staying focused on the disease, and that means giving it a more accurate name. Because coronaviruses are actually a family of viruses that can cause, among other things, the common cold. So if you come down with a cold, a fun prank is to tell people, ive got coronavirus laughter then you can laugh all the way to quarantine. laughter the w. H. O. Has settled on a new name covid19. Ugh, dont you hate it when you try to pick a new disease name and the first 18 are already taken . laughter applause big fans of epidemiology here tonight. laughter covid19 is actually an abbreviation of coronavirus disease 2019, but the name covid isnt sitting well with some people, namely, the audio cable manufacturer covid, based in tempe, arizona. It also doesnt help that their slogan is covid audio cables nothing can stop us from transmitting across the globe. laughter cheers and applause darn it darn it jon darn it stephen thats tough luck. Covid19 has also hit the high seas, with two cruise ships quarantined over the virus. Shocking. Usually, a cruise ship is an immaculate germfree environment where you can watch a sevenyearold suckle straight from the soft serve spout. laughter the ship most affected is the diamond princess in japan, where passengers are instructed to stay in their rooms for 24 hours a day, which is why entertainment crews had been calling guest rooms to cheer people up. Hello, cabin 402 . Im stewart from the entertainment staff hope youre having a princess day. Im calling to walk you through our exciting production of mamma mia ready . Okay. Its the summer of 1999, curtain up on 20yearold bridetobe, Sophie Sheridan sings waterloo still there . Waterloo oh, fernando weve got a great show for you tonight. James marsden is here but when we come back, i take a look at some valentines cards. Waterloo sprintern paul im loooooving the allnew dual camera system with ultrawide on iphone 11 paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. paul and because sprint likes to do things differently, theyre offering a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. While i think their network and savings are great, you dont just have to take my word for it. Try it out and see the savings for yourself. sprintern now thats a picture perfect deal. Smile. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Its not getting in my way. . I had enough joint pain, swelling, tenderness. Much better. My psoriasis, clearer. Cosentyx works on all of this. Four years and counting. So watch out. I got this watch me. Real people with active Psoriatic Arthritis are feeling real relief with cosentyx. Cosentyx is a different kind of targeted biologic. It treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. It even helps stop further joint damage. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability. To fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen. Or if youve had a vaccine, or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. I just look and feel better. I got real relief with cosentyx. Watch me feel real relief. Ask your rheumatologist about cosentyx. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music. You realize you can totally eat out more . Thats yes for less. Get the latest spring trends for your home at 20 to 60 percent off Specialty Store prices. At ross. Yes for less. Brzezinsktom steyer. K at this. At ross. Berman tom steyer. Odonnell surging in nevada. Scarborough this is working for tom steyer. Odonnell surging in South Carolina. Smerconish i dont think its just resources. Mitchell surging in two new polls out of nevada and South Carolina. Wallace polling at double digits. King up eleven points from october. That is dramatic. Steyer im saying we have a broken government. Thats whats going on in washington, dc. Its been bought by corporations, and my question to the American People is who do you think is going to change that . Im tom steyer and i approve this message. Exactly what you need. Yes. For your growing family . Thats yes for less. Everything your pet needs at 20 to 60 percent off Specialty Store prices. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey welcome back, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause john oliver laughter john, weve got a big night tonight. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen not only is a very talented and handsome young man from oklahoma the actor James Marsden is here in a few minute cheers and applause but we also have a special appearance by our old friend john oliver tonight. Yeah, hes gracing us. Jon tonight stephen tonight, dont go anywhere. Folks, tomorrow is valentines day, named after saint valentine, historys horniest holy man. laughter but valentines day also means cards, and as talented as they are, the people who write those cards dont always nail it on the first try. Which is why tonight, were taking a look at some early greeting card efforts, in our segment, first drafts. No, no stupid applause stephen okay. As always, on first drafts, i need a volunteer to come up on stage. Does anyone want to join me up on stage . Thank you, maam, i saw you first. Thank you so much for coming up here. Thank you for not raise you can hand. Whats your name . Jessica. Stephen jessica, everybody give it up for jessica cheers and applause piano riff hi there. Stephen nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Stephen jessica, welcome to the late show. E u from new york . No, pensacola, florida. Stephen in the pan landle by alabama. Mmhmm. Stephen that is matt gaetzs congressional seat, is not . Yeah. Stephen lets move on. Ore subject. laughter stephen have you ever seen first drafts before . No. Stephen this is why i need you as my lovely assistant is that what i want you to do is i want you to hold these cards, and i want you to hand them to me, top one first. Okay. Stephen the top card will be the card that was sold. The second card will be the first draft that wasnt good enough to be sold. Do you understand the premise . Yes. Stephen thank you. And thank you for agreeing to do this. Are you nervous at all . Yes. Stephen a little nervous. Lets calm you down a little bit. How about a valentines day present for you . Ladies and gentlemen, James Marsden has a big stuffed bear for jessica cheers and applause thats so fun thank you there you are. Youre welcome. If youre flying this counts as five carryons. Stephen James Marsden, everybody applause wow, thats great. This is incredible. Stephen it is incredible, right . Its going to be great. Stephen its going to be good, yes. Are you in a relationship . I am. Stephen okay. Because if you werent, you are now. Yes laughter stephen okay, when we why dont we put the bear on the seat next to you so your hands are free. There we go. Stephen lets do that. There you go. Okay. Stephen do that. laughter all right. Excellent. Good. Stephen okay, jessica, if you would please, you hold the stack. Off lot of responsibility. Are you insured for this . Yeah, well, i signed a waiver, so stephen did you sign a waiver . Yes. Stephen we get your kidneys now. Okay. laughter heres the first one. This has a little picture of cupid says, happy valentines day, i have been struck with cupids arrow. What do you say . Precious. Stephen it is precious. But the first draft said, call the police, theres an armed baby outside the little bastard just shot me in the leg applause people dont think about that, babies dont have weapons. Yeah, not at all. Stephen obviously, its none of my buzz, but what relationship are you in, are you in a serious relationship . I am. Im here to get married. Stephen youre in new york to get married . Yes, on the 14th. Stephen best wishes. Yeah. Stephen is your fiancee here tonight . Yes. Stephen that gentleman right there . Yeah. Stephen oh, hes cute. Hes really cute. applause what is his name . Grayson berry. Stephen grayson . Mmhmm. Stephen that is like a madeup romance novel name. Congratulations, grayson. Okay . All right, lets see here. This is a nice sentiment. This one with a little heart says you hold the key to unlock my art. Tender. Stephen that is really love you. Thank you very much. But the first draft read, you hold the key, please let me out to have the basement. laughter yeah. Slightly darker. Yes. Stephen so if youre not from here, why marry in new york. Do you mind me asking . We got engaged six years ago and middle east had two young boys, three and five. Stephen congratulations. O we postponed it and we just decided t to escape and finally get it done. Stephen youre kind of eloping . Are people coming in for it . No, its just us. Stephen thats wonderful. applause do you have any plans, like what are you doing for what are you doing for dinner or anything like that . Um, not not yet. We have been told a bunch of places that we should probably get a reservation. Stephen why dont we set them up with a nice place to eat. Oh applause stephen friday or saturday night . Friday night. Stephen friday night. Olive garden good with you . laughter yes. Stephen when youre there, youre family. So its like your whole family showed up for your wedding. All right. Stephen well find something nice, within reason. Just joking. Go to town. Go to town. All right, this is a sentiment everyone can get behind, okay. Happy valentines day. Love is love is love is love. That is so true. Very important message. applause but the first draft read happy valentines day, i lost my thesaurus. applause is this the last one . Yes. Stephen are you having a good time . We just flew in this morning so just started. Stephen does she get to keep the bear or is that a prop . You actually get to keep that bear. Wonderful. cheers and applause stephen good luck getting that on the plane. Yeah, good luck getting that into the uber laughter stephen heres the last card. This is one of those license valentines for you pixar fans. Its buzz lightyear and on the inside it says i love you to infinity and beyond audience reacts yeah, but the first draft said, you give me a woody cheers and applause jessica, thank you so much. Mazel tov, so happy for you. Jessica, everybody well be right back with john oliver this is a shoutout to all those going the extra mile. Yes, you, unsung designated driver. And you, saturday soccer dad. All you unpaid movers and never miss a bedtime parents. We see how you go out your way for others, and that inspires us to go the extra mile for you, every single day. Hertz. Proud to be ranked 1 in Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. Every single day. Applebees new irresistabowls now starting at 7. 99. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. At Progressive Park insurance themed fun children yeah announcer ride the totally realistic traffic jam. Beep, beep, beep, beep children traffic jam announcer and the worlds first never bump bumper cars. Children never bump announcer its a real savings hootenanny with options that fit your budget. Thats fun for the whole family. Announcer only at progressive par. Maybe an insurance park was a bad idea. Yeah. Yep. Othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back how exciting for all of you folks, we are here here with our dear friend and american Citizen National treasure john oliver. Jon yeah cheers and applause stephen of course, people know us best as talk show hosts. Jon probably. Stephen but they dont realize weve also been in a lot of movies. Jon a great deal of movies. Stephen yeah. And i didnt realize this, i was just told this recently, that we actually have a bunch of movies coming out this next year that you and i are in together. Jon we do . How did we find the time . laughter stephen its not easy. Heres the thing, i dont remember anything about these movies, making them or anything. Jon movie star is a movie star. Its about churning out product. Stephen gaining them out. Jon give me a mic, ill sing what you told me to sing. Stephen get me on the roof, ill take my shirt off and start hammering. Heres the deal. You have to sell tickets. Jon we have the same sense of a movie star, on the riff, shirtless hammering something. What else are you going to do . laughter stephen my History Month<\/a> love songs. And have a happy black valentines day History Month<\/a>. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert<\/a> tonight, biden headed south. Plus stephen welcomes James Marsden<\/a>, sam heughan, with a special appearance by john oliver, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert<\/a> cheers and applause stephen there we go hey nice to see you cheers and applause jon theyre ready, theyre ready. Its thursday stephen thats an amazing audience. I wish these people had been here last night laughter jon i feel fat. Stephen welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert<\/a>. cheers and applause happy, happy thursday, everybody. The democratic primaries are off and running. So far, weve seen results from iowa and new hampshire. Next, the campaign moves on to a caucus in nevada. Which is perfect for bernie. Hell fit right in at the nickel slots. as bernie playing slots come on baby needs a new pair of shoes. Because the millionaires and the billionaires refuse to pay the baby a living wage. Come on, lets go laughter piano riff interesting side note, in nvada, ties in the delegate allocation process will be resolved by drawing cards. High card wins. Laugh thats a little too on brand, that would be like florida deciding its election by having the candidates wrestle a meth gator. laughter applause dangerous, those meth gators. They got nothing to lose. But the next actual primary is in my home state of South Carolina<\/a>. The palmetto state. South cackalacky. The topshelf carolina. cheers and applause you know that North Carolina<\/a> rail licker. I was a safe to son. Im going to be on this election like shrimp on grits. Like mustard sauce on barbecue. Like confederate flags on more vehicles than i am comfortable acknowledging. laughter ill catch you up on the latest in tonights edition of i have a plan for that. A progressive agenda. Donald trumps Worst Nightmare<\/a> were at each others throats. honking corn pop was a bad dude. They are stone cold crazy. Fury road to the white house, 2020. cheers and applause stephen assuming they dont secede between now and then, South Carolina<\/a> is holding their primary on saturday, february 29. Thats leap day. A day that exists only once every four years. Just like the South Carolina<\/a> democratic party. laughter the South Carolina<\/a> electorate is a whole new ball game for the dems. Joe biden pointed out why up until now, we have not heard from the most committed constituents, the African American<\/a> community. cheers and applause 99. 9 . That is the percentage of African American<\/a> voters who have not yet had a chance to vote in america. 99. 8 , that is the percent of latino voters who have not had a chance to vote. Stephen well, sure but thats because the first two votes are iowa and new hampshire. laughter those states are so white, you have to go to the supermarkets International Aisle<\/a> to buy pepper. laughter cheers and applause biden currently leads among black voters, with 27 . To all the black voters, i am joe biden and i hope you will change this election and vote for joe, which rhymes with bo. its his dog. Come on im dying here si se puede cheers and applause long walk. The second most popular candidate among African American<\/a>s is former new york mayor Michael Bloomberg<\/a> with 22 . Sounds surprising, but bloomberg has been out there in the African American<\/a> community, shaking hands and frisking babies. laughter piano riff its true. Its true. Got to check the diaper. Bloomberg has been rising in the polls, but there could be some hurdles for his campaign. In the past, hes been accused in several lawsuits of creating an uncomfortable Workplace Environment<\/a> for women, but he wont release women who sued him from their nondisclosure agreements. Oh, goul good yet another new york billionaire with a questionable history with women. Next were going to find out about his sons, merrick and bloom jr. Whraf laugh heres something, award season isnt quite over because we just learned the winner of the london Natural History<\/a> museums wildlife photo award. Of course, last years winner was this shot of a marmot. Im going to say, teaching a fox the choreography from chicago. laughter this year, the award went to this photo, called station squabble, of two mice fighting, taken in a london tube station. Its an amazing photo, but when i think of nature, i dont think of rodents strangling each other in a train station. Really seems like the guy snapped it on the way to work. Wait, the wildlife photo is due when . I cant get to africa by then hand me a biscuit fight, fight, fight piano riff cheers and applause weve got some positive news china says the rate of new Coronavirus Infections<\/a> has been slowing. But the w. H. O. Is staying focused on the disease, and that means giving it a more accurate name. Because coronaviruses are actually a family of viruses that can cause, among other things, the common cold. So if you come down with a cold, a fun prank is to tell people, ive got coronavirus laughter then you can laugh all the way to quarantine. laughter the w. H. O. Has settled on a new name covid19. Ugh, dont you hate it when you try to pick a new disease name and the first 18 are already taken . laughter applause big fans of epidemiology here tonight. laughter covid19 is actually an abbreviation of coronavirus disease 2019, but the name covid isnt sitting well with some people, namely, the audio cable manufacturer covid, based in tempe, arizona. It also doesnt help that their slogan is covid audio cables nothing can stop us from transmitting across the globe. laughter cheers and applause darn it darn it jon darn it stephen thats tough luck. Covid19 has also hit the high seas, with two cruise ships quarantined over the virus. Shocking. Usually, a cruise ship is an immaculate germfree environment where you can watch a sevenyearold suckle straight from the soft serve spout. laughter the ship most affected is the diamond princess in japan, where passengers are instructed to stay in their rooms for 24 hours a day, which is why entertainment crews had been calling guest rooms to cheer people up. Hello, cabin 402 . Im stewart from the entertainment staff hope youre having a princess day. Im calling to walk you through our exciting production of mamma mia ready . Okay. Its the summer of 1999, curtain up on 20yearold bridetobe, Sophie Sheridan<\/a> sings waterloo still there . Waterloo oh, fernando weve got a great show for you tonight. James marsden is here but when we come back, i take a look at some valentines cards. Waterloo sprintern paul im loooooving the allnew dual camera system with ultrawide on iphone 11 paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. paul and because sprint likes to do things differently, theyre offering a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. While i think their network and savings are great, you dont just have to take my word for it. Try it out and see the savings for yourself. sprintern now thats a picture perfect deal. Smile. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Its not getting in my way. . I had enough joint pain, swelling, tenderness. Much better. My psoriasis, clearer. Cosentyx works on all of this. Four years and counting. So watch out. I got this watch me. Real people with active Psoriatic Arthritis<\/a> are feeling real relief with cosentyx. Cosentyx is a different kind of targeted biologic. It treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis<\/a> to help you look and feel better. It even helps stop further joint damage. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability. To fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen. Or if youve had a vaccine, or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. I just look and feel better. I got real relief with cosentyx. Watch me feel real relief. Ask your rheumatologist about cosentyx. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music. You realize you can totally eat out more . Thats yes for less. Get the latest spring trends for your home at 20 to 60 percent off Specialty Store<\/a> prices. At ross. Yes for less. Brzezinsktom steyer. K at this. At ross. Berman tom steyer. Odonnell surging in nevada. Scarborough this is working for tom steyer. Odonnell surging in South Carolina<\/a>. Smerconish i dont think its just resources. Mitchell surging in two new polls out of nevada and South Carolina<\/a>. Wallace polling at double digits. King up eleven points from october. That is dramatic. Steyer im saying we have a broken government. Thats whats going on in washington, dc. Its been bought by corporations, and my question to the American People<\/a> is who do you think is going to change that . Im tom steyer and i approve this message. Exactly what you need. Yes. For your growing family . Thats yes for less. Everything your pet needs at 20 to 60 percent off Specialty Store<\/a> prices. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey welcome back, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause john oliver laughter john, weve got a big night tonight. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen not only is a very talented and handsome young man from oklahoma the actor James Marsden<\/a> is here in a few minute cheers and applause but we also have a special appearance by our old friend john oliver tonight. Yeah, hes gracing us. Jon tonight stephen tonight, dont go anywhere. Folks, tomorrow is valentines day, named after saint valentine, historys horniest holy man. laughter but valentines day also means cards, and as talented as they are, the people who write those cards dont always nail it on the first try. Which is why tonight, were taking a look at some early greeting card efforts, in our segment, first drafts. No, no stupid applause stephen okay. As always, on first drafts, i need a volunteer to come up on stage. Does anyone want to join me up on stage . Thank you, maam, i saw you first. Thank you so much for coming up here. Thank you for not raise you can hand. Whats your name . Jessica. Stephen jessica, everybody give it up for jessica cheers and applause piano riff hi there. Stephen nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Stephen jessica, welcome to the late show. E u from new york . No, pensacola, florida. Stephen in the pan landle by alabama. Mmhmm. Stephen that is matt gaetzs congressional seat, is not . Yeah. Stephen lets move on. Ore subject. laughter stephen have you ever seen first drafts before . No. Stephen this is why i need you as my lovely assistant is that what i want you to do is i want you to hold these cards, and i want you to hand them to me, top one first. Okay. Stephen the top card will be the card that was sold. The second card will be the first draft that wasnt good enough to be sold. Do you understand the premise . Yes. Stephen thank you. And thank you for agreeing to do this. Are you nervous at all . Yes. Stephen a little nervous. Lets calm you down a little bit. How about a valentines day present for you . Ladies and gentlemen, James Marsden<\/a> has a big stuffed bear for jessica cheers and applause thats so fun thank you there you are. Youre welcome. If youre flying this counts as five carryons. Stephen James Marsden<\/a>, everybody applause wow, thats great. This is incredible. Stephen it is incredible, right . Its going to be great. Stephen its going to be good, yes. Are you in a relationship . I am. Stephen okay. Because if you werent, you are now. Yes laughter stephen okay, when we why dont we put the bear on the seat next to you so your hands are free. There we go. Stephen lets do that. There you go. Okay. Stephen do that. laughter all right. Excellent. Good. Stephen okay, jessica, if you would please, you hold the stack. Off lot of responsibility. Are you insured for this . Yeah, well, i signed a waiver, so stephen did you sign a waiver . Yes. Stephen we get your kidneys now. Okay. laughter heres the first one. This has a little picture of cupid says, happy valentines day, i have been struck with cupids arrow. What do you say . Precious. Stephen it is precious. But the first draft said, call the police, theres an armed baby outside the little bastard just shot me in the leg applause people dont think about that, babies dont have weapons. Yeah, not at all. Stephen obviously, its none of my buzz, but what relationship are you in, are you in a serious relationship . I am. Im here to get married. Stephen youre in new york to get married . Yes, on the 14th. Stephen best wishes. Yeah. Stephen is your fiancee here tonight . Yes. Stephen that gentleman right there . Yeah. Stephen oh, hes cute. Hes really cute. applause what is his name . Grayson berry. Stephen grayson . Mmhmm. Stephen that is like a madeup romance novel name. Congratulations, grayson. Okay . All right, lets see here. This is a nice sentiment. This one with a little heart says you hold the key to unlock my art. Tender. Stephen that is really love you. Thank you very much. But the first draft read, you hold the key, please let me out to have the basement. laughter yeah. Slightly darker. Yes. Stephen so if youre not from here, why marry in new york. Do you mind me asking . We got engaged six years ago and middle east had two young boys, three and five. Stephen congratulations. O we postponed it and we just decided t to escape and finally get it done. Stephen youre kind of eloping . Are people coming in for it . No, its just us. Stephen thats wonderful. applause do you have any plans, like what are you doing for what are you doing for dinner or anything like that . Um, not not yet. We have been told a bunch of places that we should probably get a reservation. Stephen why dont we set them up with a nice place to eat. Oh applause stephen friday or saturday night . Friday night. Stephen friday night. Olive garden good with you . laughter yes. Stephen when youre there, youre family. So its like your whole family showed up for your wedding. All right. Stephen well find something nice, within reason. Just joking. Go to town. Go to town. All right, this is a sentiment everyone can get behind, okay. Happy valentines day. Love is love is love is love. That is so true. Very important message. applause but the first draft read happy valentines day, i lost my thesaurus. applause is this the last one . Yes. Stephen are you having a good time . We just flew in this morning so just started. Stephen does she get to keep the bear or is that a prop . You actually get to keep that bear. Wonderful. cheers and applause stephen good luck getting that on the plane. Yeah, good luck getting that into the uber laughter stephen heres the last card. This is one of those license valentines for you pixar fans. Its buzz lightyear and on the inside it says i love you to infinity and beyond audience reacts yeah, but the first draft said, you give me a woody cheers and applause jessica, thank you so much. Mazel tov, so happy for you. Jessica, everybody well be right back with john oliver this is a shoutout to all those going the extra mile. Yes, you, unsung designated driver. And you, saturday soccer dad. All you unpaid movers and never miss a bedtime parents. We see how you go out your way for others, and that inspires us to go the extra mile for you, every single day. Hertz. Proud to be ranked 1 in Customer Satisfaction<\/a> by j. D. Power. Every single day. Applebees new irresistabowls now starting at 7. 99. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. At Progressive Park<\/a> insurance themed fun children yeah announcer ride the totally realistic traffic jam. Beep, beep, beep, beep children traffic jam announcer and the worlds first never bump bumper cars. Children never bump announcer its a real savings hootenanny with options that fit your budget. Thats fun for the whole family. Announcer only at progressive par. Maybe an insurance park was a bad idea. Yeah. Yep. Othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg<\/a> and i approve this message. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back how exciting for all of you folks, we are here here with our dear friend and american Citizen National<\/a> treasure john oliver. Jon yeah cheers and applause stephen of course, people know us best as talk show hosts. Jon probably. Stephen but they dont realize weve also been in a lot of movies. Jon a great deal of movies. Stephen yeah. And i didnt realize this, i was just told this recently, that we actually have a bunch of movies coming out this next year that you and i are in together. Jon we do . How did we find the time . laughter stephen its not easy. Heres the thing, i dont remember anything about these movies, making them or anything. Jon movie star is a movie star. Its about churning out product. Stephen gaining them out. Jon give me a mic, ill sing what you told me to sing. Stephen get me on the roof, ill take my shirt off and start hammering. Heres the deal. You have to sell tickets. Jon we have the same sense of a movie star, on the riff, shirtless hammering something. What else are you going to do . laughter stephen my Graphics Department<\/a> made posters for the movies neither of us know anything about. Neither of us have seen the posters but i thought i would rye tritake a look and try to remember the plots of the movies together. Jon im sure theyll ring a bell. Stephen this is may be coming soon. cheers and applause jon okay. All right. Stephen john. Jon. Can you see . Stephen . Stephen i have the posters that you and i are both in starring. Upcoming features. Stephen but we do not remember. Lets try to remember what the movies are about. Yeah. Stephen first up, holmes and holmes, note to bleep sherr locks. I leaned on you hard in this one because i didnt know my way around jolly old england the way you do. Yes. The concept was, of course, a cloning experiment done in good faith. Stephen by sherlock. Backfiring when he realized he had a clone of himself as a detective, there was a competitive situation they were racing to investigate murders and they were getting in each others ways. Theyre both looking at something. Stephen and its each other. Yeah. Stephen i dont want to give anything away, obviously spoiler if you guys care about this, they murder each other. Thats right. Thats right. Stephen and have to figure without killed themselves. Its odd they put this on the postings, what theyre actually doing is reflecting the sun on to each others hearts through the ma magnifying glass. Its a very, very long murder sequence. Stephen yeah. But eventually they both catch fire. Stephen pride cometh before the fall. Next, and im very excited about this one, this one is squirreled its squirreled series. Yes. Stephen theres nothing in the rule book that says you cant rip off air bud. Right. Right. laughter stephen this is an extraordinary one. Were two childhood friends. And the twist here, in air bud, the dog plays on the Basketball Team<\/a> and it goes well. This is they get a squirrel to play on the Baseball Team<\/a> and it goes very badly. Stephen yes, hes actually killed by a pitch, very first scene. Very first scene. So you think its fun. Its actually, within the first five minutes, the squirrel dies horribly. Stephen right. And the rest of it is a very, very dark film about them coming to terms with what theyve done, what life means stephen sure. Did you see the movie first reformed. I didnt. Stephen its like that but with a squirrel, instead of environmental degradation. I dont know if theyve captured the tone of the film which i signed up for which is a meditation on culpability in death. Thats not the move yi shot. Stephen squirrel played by mark ruffalo. Unbelievable. Stephen unbelievable. What he did was incredible. Stephen then we mixed it up a little bit. Obviously well, well find out. laughter i dont think the next one is about an animal death, squirrel inquest. The next one is les expendables. Its not just us at first i thought that was jack brayer. Stephen its dolph lundren. Its the entire cast of the expendables and you and me in a musical version of the expendables. Yeah, i remember having problems at the script stage with thousand they were going to balance the two hiss orq eras and getting to set and realizes they just didnt bother trying. So that actually made it easier. Stephen theres implication there might be time travel involved or jules vern or victor hugo or Something Like<\/a> that or something. Thats right, but were using kind of long wooden rifles. Stephen and do you want to do the song . Oh cheers and applause stephen ill do it with you well do it together . Yeah. Stephen okay. When youre les expendables you can do the things youre supposed to do stephen and it goes on and on. cheers and applause john, so wonderful to see you. Im looking forward to all that. Season 7 of last week tonight with john oliver airs sunday on h. B. O. mr. John oliver, everybody well be right back cheers and applause band playing on car insuranc. Everybody knows that. Well, did you know pinocchio was a bad motivational speaker . I look around this room and i see nothing but untapped potential. You have potential. You haveoh boy. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, a new prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. Descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. Talk to your doctor to find out if its right for you. Step up. For health and body. Prep up for your one and only love or many loves. For kings, this queen, and you royals in between. For my now. Our now. And my future. Our future. Step up. Prep up. Descovy is the newest way to prep. Descovy does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections, so its important to use safer sex practices and get tested regularly. You must be hivnegative to take descovy for prep. So you need to get tested for hiv immediately before and at least every 3 months while taking it. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. They may check to confirm you are still hivnegative. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. The common effect was ea. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Words are loud but actions are louder. Step up. Prep up. With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com howling wind howling wind iced chai. Ry. Pad thai. Baked pie. Pork chop. Soda pop. Scallop. Kebobs. Soursop. Hot pot. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. Onion ring. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Fisnt just about polar bears. Were fighting for our lives, were fighting for clean air and clean water. Thats why i wrote the law to send billions from polluters to communities suffering the most. And ly oneandidate for president was with us back then, tom steyer. And hes still fighting for us, pledging to make clean air and clean water a right for everyone, regardless of your zip code. Thats the truth. Thats tom steyer. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an actor you know from westworld, enchanted, and 27 dresses. His new movie is sonic the hedgehog. Im going to give you five seconds to tell me where it is. Five. I dont know what youre talking about. Four. Tough guy, im a cop and youre threatening an officer. How can you threaten someone who never existed . Three come on, rack your brain you might be able to come up with some lame excuse to go on living in two, one wait dont hurt him aaahhh stephen please welcome James Marsden<\/a> cheers and applause thank you stephen please, you sit first. I love all the varieties of tweed you have on today. Thats what happens when you get dressed in the dark. Stephen nice to have you. Good to see you again. Good to see you. Stephen its been long. Its been a while. Stephen you are a hollywood star. Got that right. Stephen did you go . I did not go. I was actually working on oscar sunday. Stephen good for you. Ome of us have to work, you know, on sunday. Stephen yeah. But, no, i didnt. I did a couple of the oscar preparties on friday. One of the ones i walked into, as i was walking in, someone stopped me and said, hey, i was just watching you on colbert doing a mathieu mcconaughey impression. How long ago . Stephen that was two years ago, that impression. Yeah, its a while, but thats how she started the conversation. Stephen thats how most people know you. As the guy who does mcconaughey on colbert. Stephen we pulled the clip wen we heard she said that to you. Jim, do we have a clip of his impression . You cant just do the all right all right thing anymore because everyone can do it. But what we have to do is throw a little texas whistle in there with hescists, andeth, like, when you start to hear those ss start to creep on in. Step out to my stream, ill make you a margarita blow your horns off. applause stephen the question, of course, has mcconaughey seen your mcconaughey impression . I dont know the answer to that question. I have run into him a few times. We have mutual friends in austin, texas, and i saw him this last year. Yeah, austin at the formula one grand prix, and every time i say hello to him, hes always very kind, but i say, hey, mathieu, good to see you, and he kind of looks at me and goes. Hey. And im probably overthinking it, thinking hes seen me and hes not a fan or he just doesnt know who the hell i am. Stephen he has a natural intensity. He always looks like hes about to Say Something<\/a> important to you. No matter what hes doing. He just says hello and hes just like. Hey. And you wait for Something Else<\/a> and it never comes. laughter stephen im a westworld fan, as i said to you before. You are. Stephen in last season, teddy is killed. Really killed or westworld killed because you know i would tell you but i would have to kill you to tell you. Stephen right. Yes. No, i think boy you know i cant answer this thing. Stephen you cant even lie to me . No, im just going to go back to mcconaughey and go huh . laughter stephen a project more complex, sonic the hedgehog. Right, far more complex. Stephen we just had your costar jim carey on here. Its the first time i ever interviewed him and i got a taste of some of the energy and the chaos th all times. Whats that like to perform with on a daily basis . Hes a legend and hes been a hero of mine for a long period of time. Stephen you are a fan . Huge fan. In high school, i would do, in living color, fire marshal bill impressions. I see him over there going, yes applause thats how i got friends. I would make people laugh by doing jim carrey impressions. Stephen did you do those to him . No, not because he would have reacted poorly. Because, i dont know, i just dont know how you bring that you have without being Chris Farleys<\/a> impression impersonating chris farley cheers and applause stephen we want to get you to someplace early on in your career. You have been acting for 20 years. Evrybody knows you did some modeling, for versace . Yep. Stephen but this is your real first modeling work. If you can call it modeling. Stephen there you go. Yeah. Stephen right here. Yeah. cheers and applause yeah. Stephen right there. You might want to really zoom in on that. Stephen look at those jeans. Yeah, good old whitewashed jeans. That was the daily oklahoman sunday news paper. I think that was probably a coupon. Stephen right. How old are you here . I was 17, 18. Stephen but exciting you look back at it now, thats a hideous photograph, but how exciting must it have been at the time . I should have been working at a fast food restaurant. I was getting paid to put terrible clothes on. It was great. Stephen what did you friends think of this . They, uh strangely, they were jealous. laughter i dont know why. Stephen you were on a skateboard here. Yeah. Stephen were you a skater boy . I was not. No, no, no. Stephen, thats all fake. Im faking it there. Stephen youre acting . I dont really wear those clothes, i wore something way worse. Stephen you moved from modeling on to acting but you also have a beautiful singing voice. Did you ever think that was going to be your career . Thats very nice of you to say. Stephen thank you. It was something that if the acting thing didnt work out, i felt like that i would give that a shot. I always thought i could be one of the guys that sings jingles. Remember the old gum commercial . Remember juicy fruit and big red and all those . I thought, i can do that. Big red freshness lasts right through it your fresh breath goes on and on while you chew it sai goodbye a little longer stay a little longer give your breath long lasting freshness with big red cheers and applause stephen no one back there remembered that juicy fruit, gonove m ynaa why is it gum commercials that are so exciting. Stephen you but it in your mouth and chew, nothing to convey. But it takes you for a ride. I always thought i could fall back on that and be a single sing snore its nice to have a safety net if this whole movie star thing doesnt work out. Actually look forward to you being alive in season 3. Oh i guess you know more than i do. laughter stephen good to see you again. Thank you so much for being here. Sonic the hedgehog is in theaters tomorrow. Mr. James marsden, everybody well be right back with sam heughan from outlander cheers and applause band playing look closely at the perfection that is the quarter pounder and youll see its actually made of countless imperfections. Those randomly and impulsively placed sesame seeds. That one slice of melty cheese at the bottom and another draped haphazardly over the 100 fresh beef patty cooked right when you order. True, the hottest, juiciest quarter pounder yet is not perfect. But when you put it all together, ha ha its perfect made perfecter. Ba da ba ba ba cheers and applause band playing obama hes been a leader throughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg<\/a> and i approve this message. With the glad advanced protection kitchen bag. Its glads strongest, toughest, most leak resistant bag. Be happy, its glad. \u2122 othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloombg andpresidenr in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg<\/a> and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show folks, you know my next guest as the star of outlander, which returns this sunday for its fifth season. Please welcome to the late show, sam heughan cheers and applause band playing wont you please. Wont you please. How much money did you pay them for that entrance . Stephen not a damn thing. Not enough. Stephen they leapt to their feet of their own volition. Now, you play someone from scotland in outlander, but actually youre a scot yourself, true . Thankfully, yes. Stephen okay. Now, this proves that you are a scot, is that you actually have your own scotch. Yes, here we are. cheers and applause stephen im you just made me really scared there. I thought you were going to throw that off the table. Stephen no, i was a bartender for many years at an old saloon. laughter im not going to attempt the name till you say it first. What is it . Sasanak. Stephen what is that . Its an outsider. Its someone stephen is it an outlander . Could be. Stephen could be . Its not a scotch. It is a scotch. No, its something i have been working on for a long time and im really proud of it, it sounds good and tastes better. Thats why im here. I came to drink whisky with you basically. Stephen would you like to try a little of that . I cant wait. cheers and applause on the rocks, i see. Stephen yeah, sure. I like mine with a little fresca. Oh, wow audience reacts stephen mmmmmm the sasanak also goes great with mountain dew cheers. I think youre missing an umbrella. Stephen oh, there you go. Tremendous. I bet it still tastes good, though. Stephen oh, thats really good. You can really taste the artificial grapefruit. That is really fantastic. So what is the process of developing scotch . What do you have to do . Surprisingly, you have to taste a lot of whiskey. Its a really hard job. Stephen you can drink at work and still say im doing my job. Exactly. In fact, you do your job better, i find, if laughter no, its been a long journey, im proud of it. Its my baby and obviously goes well with mountain thank you,. Stephen ill put this for everyone to see. Im going to move to this little project you have been working on called outlander. You are the dashing warrior jamie frazier. cheers and applause okay, youre a sex symbol, and i know this because they sent us the only photo we could find of you with your shirt on, on the show. Yeah. Stephen a lot of wounds to your torso that have to be taken care of on that show. How to you handle that . Because i know that laugh. laughter yes, how do you feel about it . Stephen i had to tone it down. I promised my wife, i will get old and doughy, and she said, thank you very much. laughter how do you handle that . Do you mind that people look at you and squeal . I mean, im waiting for you to squeal, stephen, but, i mean, hes a great character and the author wrote a great easy of books. Its season five and we have amazing fans and the story has gone global, so cheers and applause stephen i want to make sure, if youre all right with this, i want the audience, the outlander fans out there to get their sexy sam heughan fix. So i was hoping you would give them a sexy smolder to camera with a very scottish kind of line hear. It depends on how much whiskey ive drank. Stephen you do it, ill do it. Even better. Stephen okay, smolder lightright into that camera three. Thats where the smolder happens. cheering i dont know who wrote this but ill git give it a go. I dont know what i would do without you, but youre my bonnie lass, stephen. cheers and applause your turn. Dont mess it up. laughter stephen i don know what i would do without you, but you are my bonnie lass. cheers and applause wow hey stephen outlander returns sunday night for its fifth season. Check we expect . Yeah, the show, honestly i know we say it every season, this is truthful i think its a really strong season. Were in america now, were building up to the revolutionary war, the war of independence, and my character jamie is actually now having to fight on the side to have british and, obviously, that goes against everything hes fought for and stand for and it really is a very dramatic season and people will enjoy it. Stephen dont tell me how the revolutionary war ends. I want to stream the whole thing. laughter thatch for being here. Seas[ fastpaced drumming ] [ fastpaced drumming ] putting term limits on congress, about washington insiders went crazy. They said term limits are bad, that theyll break government. What a joke congress is working fine for politicians and corporations, but its not doing anything for real people on climate, health care or gun safety. The only way we get new ideas is electing new people, including a president willing to shakeup washington. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. Stephen hey, thats it for the late show, everybody. Now stick around for james corden. Good night cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show. Ladies and gentlemen","publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"archive.org","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","width":"800","height":"600","url":"\/\/ia802801.us.archive.org\/9\/items\/KPIX_20200214_073500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert\/KPIX_20200214_073500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert.thumbs\/KPIX_20200214_073500_The_Late_Show_With_Stephen_Colbert_000001.jpg"}},"autauthor":{"@type":"Organization"},"author":{"sameAs":"archive.org","name":"archive.org"}}],"coverageEndTime":"20240716T12:35:10+00:00"}