Then, after cspan after dark, join us tomorrow morning for cspan walk of shame. laughter announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight sham i am. Plus, stephen welcomes Patrick Stewart and dick cavett featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on welcome, one and all. cheers and applause welcome, one and all. Beautiful beautiful welcome, welcome one and all, to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Today is cheers and applause today is just day one of the impeachment trial of donald john trump. applause it is a pivotal day yeah, its historic. Its a pivotal day in the history of the republic soon, we will find out if breaking the law is illegal. laughter jon we will find out. Stephen got to say, got to say, so far, i dont like the odds. laughter and ill tell you all about it in tonights don and the giant impeach. cheers and applause oh my god. Whoa whoa im soaking wet. laughter stephen technically, technically, the trial begins tomorrow. Today was debate about the rules proposed by Senate Majority leader and scrotum of the opera, mitch mcconnell. laughter applause his his rules say mcconnells rules say that the senate has to vote on whether they want to consider new evidence at all. And mcconnell does not guarantee the trial will include witnesses. So, no evidence, no witnesses. Just 100 old people stuck in a room together. This isnt a trial. Its the 4 00 dinner rush at dennys. laughter or a matinee in branson, missouri. But, if by some wild chance, there where monkeys eat meat, it turns out there are witnesses, mcconnell has built in a fail safe, because if the majority decide to call witnesses, that witness would first be interviewed behind closed doors, meaning they might never testify in public. as mcconnell the American People booing no, no, no, no, hush. The American People deserve a fair and transparent process. Now place the testimony hood over the witnesss head and drag him into the fact dungeon and beat him with the truth hose. laughter but heres the thing according to a new cnn poll, 69 say that the upcoming trial should feature testimony from new witnesses. Thats a twothirds majority. But then again, if we did what the majority of americans want, hillary would be president , and wed have mallomars all year round. cheers and applause refrigerate the trucks we have the technology if we can have moon pies, we can have mallomars. Now, the same poll found that 51 of americans say the senate should remove trump from office. as trump oh, no, my old nemesis, majorities even worse than my other nemesis minorities. laughter now, once arguments got underway, house impeachment manager adam schiff laid out exactly why mcconnells rules for the trial are nothing like the clinton impeachment. All of the documents in the clinton trial were turned over prior to the trial. All 90,000 pages of them, so they could be used in the houses case. None of the documents have been turned over by the president in this case. And under leader mcconnells proposal, none may ever be. If the house cannot call witnesses or introduce documents and evidence, it is not a fair trial. It is not really a trial at all. Stephen now, who knows if his argument is going to make any difference in the long run, but it just feels good for someone to stand up and name the lie we can all plainly see. Its like the little boy yelling, the emperor has no clothes oh, god make him put clothes back on my eyes laughter wipe away my eyes now, schiff pointed out now, schiff pointed out that, setting politics aside, we all know what real justice looks like. Ask yourselves how would you structure the trial if you didnt know what your party was and you didnt know what the party of the president was . Stephen and while were on hypotheticals, ask yourself if youd rather see trump dragged out of office by one horsesized duck or 100 ducksized horses . laughter schiff disputed the republican line that theyre just following the process laid out during the clinton impeachment, and reminded the senate why they had to be so careful about talking about that case. The testimony in the clinton trial involved decorum issues that are not present here. You may rest assured, whatever else the case may be, such issues will not be present here. Stephen yes, there were a lot of issues in the clinton trial with decorum. Bill clinton could not keep sticking his decorum where it didnt belong. laughter tough word. Got to be careful. Its hard to say. That was hard to say and not get it bleeped on cbs. laughter applause very difficult. Phew. Then tv lawyer jay sekulow got up to rebut on behalf of the president and really raised more questions than he answered. What are we dealing with here . Why are we here . Stephen as sekulow why are we here. Whats love got to do with it . Do you know where youre going to . Do you like the things that life is showing you . Whats the buzz . Tell me whats ahappening . Where are the clowns . There ought to be clowns. In summation war hungh, good, god, yall, what is it good for . The defense rests. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Now, white house attorney Pat Cipollone seemed to think that collecting evidence was, itself, somehow unfair . If i showed up in any court in this country, and i said, judge, my case is overwhelming, but im not ready to go yet. I need more evidence before i can make my case, i would get thrown out in two seconds. Stephen no, you wouldnt its called discovery. Courts allow it all the time instead of Opening Statements cheers and applause look, cipollone, instead of Opening Statements, maybe you should have spent your hour watching law order. law order tones now, cippollone couldnt justify no evidence and he couldnt justify no witnesses, so how do you make a case with no argument . Volume when you look at these articles of impeachment, they are not only ridiculous. Its outrageous. Its ridiculous. Its ridiculous. Its ridiculous. Its outrageous. Its outrageous. Its long past time that we start this so we can end this ridiculous charade. Stephen yes, lets get started, and while were at it, get Pat Cipollone a thesaurus. Because its ridiculous outrageous egregious iniquitous oooh, opprobrious its its nutrageous now, at one point, schiff corrected cipollones characterization of the house process. Mr. Cipollone made the representation that republicans were not even allowed in the depositions conducted in the house. Now, im not going to suggest to you that mr. Cipollone would deliberately make a false statement. I will leave it to mr. Cipollone to make those allegations against others. But i will tell you this he is mistaken. Stephen as schiff i wont say mr. Cipollone would deliberately take a dump on your desk and blame it on a tall dog, but i will tell you this his belt is looking mighty loose over there. laughter i dont know. He owns a great dane. Schiff made it clear why trumps lawyers keep arguing about process. Every time you hear them attacking house managers, i want you to ask yourselves, away from what issue are they trying to distract me . What issue came up before this . What are they trying to deflect my attention from . Why dont they have a better argument to make on the merits . Stephen to which jay sekulow replied, hey, look over here shiny, shiny pay no attention laughter there it goes get it, boy, get it now cheers and applause now, apart from mcconnells nutrageous rules, theres the senate rules, which are pretty strict when it comes to how the senators have to behave. For instance, theyll be forced to surrender their phones and sit in their chairs silently for the duration. They also wont even be allowed to talk at length to people nearby or walk on certain areas of the senate floor. as sergeant of arms hear ye, hear ye. Be it known the following areas of the senate floor are lava. laughter parts of the lobby are snakes. laughter now, the rules get weirder. According to florida senator and last thing you see before the chloroform kicks in, rick scott. laughter jon whoa stephen oooh. Jon snakes in the grass. Stephen your skull will make quite a trophy for father. laughter now totally believable scott told a reporter that senators can only drink water or milk during the impeachment trial. Now, milk might seem weird, but thats just so the senators from wisconsin can bring in their emotional support cows. laughter now, the president , the president himself missed the impeachment kickoff because hes at the World Economic forum in davos. Because nothing screams innocence like being put on trial and immediately fleeing to switzerland. laughter we did though, in america, we did hear from the man without whom this impeachment wouldnt be possible, trump personal lawyer and penguin father abandoning his chicks to the seals, rudy giuliani. laughter last night, giuliani went on tv to complain about how he doesnt get a fair shake from tv. They dont investigate democrats. They are afraid. I am going to devote a lot of time this year exposing the double standard on my own podcast. Stephen yes, stay tuned for the premiere of rudys podcast, this american lowlife. laughter now applause ill listen. Ill listen truly, one of the most disturbing things about this entire story, giuliani has been accused of stalking u. S. Ambassador to ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, but he denied it. You directed the surveillance of a sitting u. S. Ambassador, maria yovanovich, in the ukraine. Right, no, i did not. I can definitely tell you i didnt. In fact, she directed surveillance of me which nobody is investigating. Stephen as giuliani Marie Yovanovitch spied on me also, shes the one who keeps locking herself out of her apartment, climbing in through the window, and sleeping on a pile of dirty suits. Shes the one who goes into the steam room, shes the one cheers and applause shes the one yovanovitch is the one who goes into the sauna and accidentally sits down on her own testicles and has to gather them up in a satchel just to put on her own pants cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Patrick stewart is here. But when we return, meanwhile wont you join us . Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music steady the elbow. Shoot me one . Ahh boom shaka laka. Feisty. Ahh professor sthe product of sound pressure tand a component of the partial velocity at a point. [sounds] kazoo sound tis better than the criminal in democrathe white house. Esident we all have progressive plans to address the big challenges facing our country. What makes me different, is ive been working for ten years outside of washington, to end the corporate takeover of our democracy, anton poweto theerican pple. I started need to impeach to hold this lawless president accountable. Im proposing big reforms like term limits. A national referendum. And ending corporate money in politics. As president , ill declare Climate Change an emergency on day 1. And, use those powers to finally address the climate crisis. And, ive spent 30 years building a Successful International business. So, i can take on donald trump on the economy and beat him. Im tom steyer and i approve this message because there is nothing more powerful than the unified voice of the American People. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band. cheers and applause jon. Hey. Jon, jon, i i am thrilled, one of my favorite guests is going to be here tonight in just a minute. Patrick stewart is going to be right here. cheers and applause professor xavier, captain picard. The new jeanluc picard coming on cbs all access. And the second one is a man i have known and admired for many years, but i have never had a chance to interview, except, like, you know, over a couple of cocktails out when were drinking, and that is mr. Dick cavett is going to be here tonight. cheers and applause the legend. Jon legendary. Stephen influential to what we do here. Folks, its no secret, every night i spend a lot of time right over there going through the newest, mostfashionable stories and carefully styling them on the chic storefront mannequin that that is my monologue. But every once and a while i collect the hairs from an old brush, ball up the hair from the dryer, douse it all in blood and sew on some tiny clothes to create the voodoo doll of news th is my segment, meanwhile. cheers and applause right here. It makes all better, meanwhile makes all better. Its the opiate of the masses. Meanwhile, a deaf man from brooklyn is suing the website pornhub over a lack of closed captioning. laughter good for him i do not blame this guy for a minute. If you cant hear, you might be able to figure out that the lonely housewife didnt have enough cash to pay the pizza boy, but without closed captioning, how will you know she ordered it with extra sausage . Now, according to the mans lawsuit, porn websites are places of public accommodation. okay, im going to stop you right there. Its one thing in your own home, but please dont accommodate yourself in public. laughter meanwhile, scientists at Stanford University have created a new drone that mimics the flight of real pigeons, which they achieved by creating wings that imitate a birds wrist and finger. I know we dont usually think of birds as having wrists and fingers, but you can see them quite clearly in this photo. laughter yeah. Meanwhile. Jon yeah. Stephen mmhmm. applause cheers meanwhile, recent golden globe winner awkwafina will voice the 7 train from queens announcements for a week. Heres an actual sample laughter stephen sounds fantastic. Well, not to be outdone, laguardia airports t. S. A. Announcements will now feature their own fun celebrity cameo ladies and gentlemen, please keep personal belongings with you at all times. liam neeson from taken if you dont, i will look for you, i will find you, and i will kill you. laughter applause stephen spooky. Jon thats a lot there. Stephen yeah. Jon creepy. Stephen meanwhile, at the Australian Open tennis qualifiers on sunday, a chair umpire reprimanded french tennis player Elliot Benchetrit for asking the ballgirl to peel his banana for him, apparently struggling with sweaty hands and bandaids on his fingers. Look, i know its a tired cliche that americans make fun of the french for being so quick to surrender. And im going to do it again right now. laughter mocking french accent euuh, i cannot peel zees banana. Plees, leetle girl, elp me weeth zee fruit. I cannot ruin my bandaids. For zey ave scoobydoo on zem. Little Spongebob Square pants. His pants are so square laughter well be right back with Patrick Stewart. cheers and applause look closely at the perfection that is the quarter pounder and youll see its actually made of countless imperfections. Those randomly and impulsively placed sesame seeds. That one slice of melty cheese at the bottom and another draped haphazardly over the 100 fresh beef patty cooked right when you order. True, the hottest, juiciest quarter pounder yet is not perfect. But when you put it all together, ha ha its perfect made perfecter. Ba da ba ba ba step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, a new prep option descovy for prep. 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Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. The most common side effect was diarrhea. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Words are loud but actions are louder. Step up. Prep up. With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com yes, you, unsung designated driver. And you, saturday soccer dad. All you unpaid movers and never miss a bedtime parents. We see how you go out your way for others, and that inspires us to go the extra mile for you, every single day. Hertz. Proud to be ranked 1 in Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. Othroughout the country for the past twelve years, every single day. Mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an acclaimed actor from the stage and screen. Hes now reprising one of his most iconic roles, jeanluc picard in star trek picard. Lieutenant commander data. Operations officer on the enterprise did you ever lose faith in him . Never. What was it that you lost faith in, admiral . Youve never spoken about your departure from starfleet. Didnt you, in fact, resign your commission in protest . Tell us that one. Why did you really quit starfleet . Because it was no longer starfleet. Im sorry . Because it was no longer starfleet stephen please welcome, Patrick