Expected consequences, a bit of an oopsydaisy. You see, recently, the c. D. C. Released new facial hair guidelines compatible with a face respirator. This is the actual chart put out by the c. D. C. As you can see, if youre a lessflamboyant neerdowell, say a runofthemill bad guy, or adolf hitler, youre fine. But what if you have more panache, like evil spock or a depressionera dastardly tycoon . Then youre out of luck. Thats why ive developed a line of evil facial hair surgical masks called the villains veil perfect for despotic rulers of distant planets, a sinister video game archrival, or ted cruz. So pick up one today, because evil doesnt take a sick day. laughter machines are sold. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight nothing to c. D. C. Here. And stephen dishes with senator Elizabeth Warren in South Carolina. Plus, stephen welcomes jason segel and charlotte alter featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen woh, oo i dont know. Hey i just had to. I just had to. Hey welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The big story cheers and applause im glad to hear these people all sound healthy and happy, because the big story continues to be the looming threat of the coronavirus. For lent, i am giving up licking doorknobs. Now, concerns of a Global Pandemic are growing, but fear not the president knows he has a solemn duty to protect himself, because the Trump Campaign is afraid that the coronavirus will hurt his reelection bid. I look forward to that transcript being released. as trump hello, ukraine . I need information on a hunter coronavirus. laughter so yesterday, trump tried to reassure us. Theres a very good chance youre not going to die. laughter . Stephen oh, really . Really . Jon ye, really nice. Stephen thats very comforting. Thank you very much. as pilot ah, this is your captain speaking. We are beginning our final descent into chicagos ohare airport. Put your tray tables up, because weve got a solid chance of landing this sucker. I say, odds are 6040 we walk away from this. Trump knows whos to blame for what he sees as unnecessary panic low ratings fake news msdnc, comcast, and cnn are doing Everything Possible to make the careonavirus look as bad as possible. as trump the careonavirus is totally contained. It will not become a pamdameic, like small pax, the swane flu, or sears. laughter now, why is he blaming the media for a disease . Well, heres the thing, the stock market fell almost 2,000 points in two days and was down again today. So to quell the panic on the street, trump dispatched white house economic adviser and oh, my god. Hes got the virus lauter im sorry, thats just what he looks like. Larry kudlow. Kudlow went on the tv yesterday and he said these words we have contained this. We have contained this. I wont say airtight, but pretty close to airtight. Stephen oh, good, oh, good. Because all you need to prevent the spread of a virus is pretty close to airtight. I mean, we all watched the hot zone hole hole hole its still pretty close tow airtight. laughter stephen another i dont know how that show ends. Another trump guy trying to put the nation at ease is acting Homeland Security secretary and man who looks like his name is chad wolf. Chad wolf. Yesterday, in his senate testimony, the wolf got neutered by republican john kennedy about the percentage of coronavirus mortality rates. Its between woen. 5 and 2 . Okay, whats the mortality rate for influenza over the last, say, ten years . Its also right around that percentage as well. I dont have that offhand, but its around 2 as well. You sure of that . Its a little yes sir. Stephen judges . Ombone sound chad, im sorry. The mortality rate for the flu is actually around 0. 1 . So he was only off by 2000 . He would be a terrible pharmacist. as pharmacist okay, heres your prescription. Youre going to want to take 200 pills every four minutes with a meal. Louvre laugh now, fear of the virus has led many to wear masks in the united states, and the c. D. C. Has released this actual graphic, detailing which styles of facial hair are best for wearing respirator masks and which ones do not work. Oh, god, all of brooklyn is dead. E missed. rs and appla ilssed. Of course, the style that gives the mask the best seal is cleanshaven, but other safe styles include zorro, walrus, and, best of all, soul patch. So congratulations on your continued health smash mouth somebody once told me my beard was gonna save me im pretty cool that im not dead notice were all thats all there is, thats all there is of that song. Were all still recovering from last nights democratic debate, where all the candidates adopted bernies plan of yelling about bernies plans. Louver laugh ill catch you up on the campaign in tonights i have a plan for that. I beat trump. The biggest misconception is that im boring. Were at each others throats. Madlo im going to beat this man like a drum. Bingbing, boa fury road to the white house, 2020. Stephen today cheers and applause people love people love the fury road. Today, donald trump jumped in with his own review of the debate crazy, chaotic democrat debate last night. Fake news said biden did well, even though he said half of our population was shot to death. Would be over for most. Minimike was weak and unsteady, but helped greatly by his many commercials, which are not supposed to be allowed dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot during a debate. Pocahontas was mean and undisciplined, mostly aiming at crazy bernie and minimike. They dont know how to handle her, but i know she is a chocker. I thinhe was trying to spell choker but failed to perform the crucial task at the key moment when everything was on the line. Now, one candidate whos working hard took a second but thump. One candidate whos working hard to recapture the lead is former Vice President and man who breaks all the hearts on bingo night, joe biden. laughter joe has been hitting the trail hard in recent weeks, and hes been repeating this story about what happened when he tried to visit Nelson Mandela in prison. I came back from south africa trying to see Nelson Mandela and getting arrested for trying to see him on robbins island. I had the great honor of meeting him. I had the great honor of being arrested with our u. N. Ambassador trying to get to see him in robbins island. Stephen thatsoon incredibly moving story. The only thing that would ma happened. Because, turns out, he was not arrested. In fact, his campaign has admitted that, no, he did not while he was a congressionallal trip in the 1970s, biden was note arrested but he was separated from his party at the airport. Nelson mandela was in prison for 27 years but one time i lost sight of my coworkers in a delta terminal. Wait, where did you go . There you are. There you are. Wyatt, youre gone now. Barack barack laughter speaking of delusional, former new york mayor and old man asking now is this the whip or the nae nae. Michael bloomberg. Mayor bloomberg has gotten a lot of attention for opening a fire hydrant of money to spread his core message that he has a fire hydrant of money and now hes trying to push things even further by claiming he took on a new Campaign Adviser the former president of e thats right, hes getting advice from the folks that brought you the kardashians. So get ready to see Mike Bloomberg break the internet. He looks good. He looks really good. Apparently, the primary task of this new advisor is to get latenight hosts to Work Campaign themes into their monologues, claiming, if you hear Stephen Colbert mentioning Mike Bloomberg more often in the coming weeks, it may not be by accident. I resent that accusation louvre laugh all of my monologue comes together by accident. laughter jim, show him my writers room. Thats my head writer. Thats pickles. That is my head writer, pickles. He has been with me since 57. Hes not trying to buy time in late night. He wants to develop unpaid relationships with latenight talk show hosts. Which i find even more insulting. As a principled comedian, i would never shape my content around a person or a brand for free. No no jon come on now. Stephen that would be a betrayal of all the brands who pay me. So, michael bloomberg, listen here if you come knocking on my door, i wont answer. But i will know youre there thanks to nest doorbell from google. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Jason segal is here. But when we return, i have a meal with Elizabeth Warren. Stick around. For hundreds of years america systematically stole black lives, black freedom and black labor. And i know my story wouldve turned out very differently if i had been black. So today im proposing a sweeping strategy to invest in black wealth creation. The wealth gap is inextricably linked to the racial inequalities of the past, and im determined to make breaking that link a centerpiece of my presidency. We choose to go to the and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard. President kennedy knew settling for halfmeasures wasnt good enough. So when candidates say we cant guarantee health care for all, make College Affordable for all, combat climate change, or create a world at peace, remember that america is best when we strive to do big things, even when its hard. Im Bernie Sanders and i approve this message. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody give it up for joan batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause oh, heavens to betsy. Folks, as i mentioned, last night was the democratic debate in South Carolina. One moment that really stood out to me was when Elizabeth Warren was asked to name a common misconception about herself. And shs i suppose one misconception is i dont eat very much. In fact, i eat all the time. Stephen fascinating. Now, i had heard the rumors that senator warren consumes food. So i recently flew down to my hometown of charleston, South Carolina, to meet up with the democratic candidate and teach her a little bit about South Carolina cuisine. Jim . Stephen senator, thanks for talking with me today. Welcome to South Carolina. Thank you. Stephen obviously, youre here to get to the heart and minds of the south carolinians. Tow get to a south carolinians hearts, you have to go through their stomach. Thats the way it works. Stephen the contents of which will eventually lodge in their hearts. Are you prepared for South Carolina food . Im prepared. Im ready. Stephen its very rich. Youre going tow want to tax it. Okay, i loaf it. I love it. Stephen youve said correct me if im wroang youve said youre a fan of fast food. Uhhuh. Stephen are there any wise in which are you not like donald trump . Yes, i rebooked, i called out people. Stephen so a couple of reasons, a couple of ways youre different. Now, being president of the united states, as far as i can tell, is like being the person ordering for everybody at a restaurant. Uhhuh. Stephen if youre the appetizer orderer in chief. What are you getting for america . Potato skins, jalapeno poppers . I like the poeitateo skins with cheese and bacon and sour cream to dip in. Stephen is this why you want universal health care because that will kill everybody in their tracks . You need universal health care after those potato skins. Stephen good. Lets have two bourbon and whatever the senator wants. Ill try one of what hes hving. Stephen this is some of our local food down here in charleston, South Carolina. Do you like oysters . Yeah. Stephen you like oysters. So here are. These are just raw. Right. Im going tow put a little horse rad oish mine. Stephen horse roadish, okay. Ill just slurp it doin. Mmm. Its like eating the ocean if the ocean was congested. laughter i doubt youve had this before. Have you ever had a boiled peanut . I dont think so. Stephen its peanuts so its very fatty. Uhhuh. Unlike anything oals this table. Stephen it balances that out by being extremely salty at the same time. Oh, good. Stephen you know highway Everybody Loves crunchy, salty peanuts . Uhhuh. Stephen boiled peanuts ask the question, what if they didnt . laughter soikians are the only people in the world who looked at a peanut and said what if it was damp. Uhhuh. Stephen whats your favorite state so far . All of them. Stephen really . Yup. Stephen thats very equitable of you. Whats your favorite child . I think it would probably be larry, my son larry. Nope, nope. Stephen he knows i love him most. Thats right. Stephen i loaf you, larry. Theyre all stephen the ones are great. The other ones are great, dont get me wrong. Larry is the one. I call larry the South Carolina of my children. We were talking about willaires before. Were going to play highway well do you know the billioneers youre going to take away the money. Youre look towing tax billionaires, maybe take them out of the political equation because they have too much power. Yup. Stephen were going to play this little game if youre okay with it. Okay. Stephen dont look at the photo. Ill describe the billionaire to you and see if you can tell me which one it is. Okay. The camera. Stephen never shows emotion. Looks like he cut his own bangs with tow nail clippers. Bill gates. buzzer . Stephen no. Knows everything about you is willing to zuckerberg. Stephen bell rings perfect, perfect. Like the underbelly of a hairless cat. Oh, gosh, thats so many. Stephen like lex luther, but he knows more about you and hes left trustworthy. E bezos. Stephen thats exactly right. Hes spending so much moneyo this election right now this might actually be a commercial for him and we dont know it. Mike bloomberg. Stephen yes. I cant begin tow tell you where he got his money or why hes wearing that tie. Im not tom steyer. Stephen yes, okay. applause hes a talking wate waterfowel. He swimsa a basement full of gold coins. He wearaise top hat. Hes owned by disney. Hes pass, pass. buzzer oh, my goaive, its scrooge he does the backstroke and the gold coins. If only id known. Of course its scrooge mcduck. He doesnt wear pants stephen no, he doesnt wear pants. Got it. Stephen which i think is a billionaire thing. It may be. Stephen regardless of who the candidate is, do you think the Democratic Party will unite . It is essential that we bring our Party Together for 2020. We cant have a repeat of 2016. We cant go into this with one part of the party mad at the other part party and shooting back and forth. applause weve got to bring everybody together. And weve got to recognize that where we really need to focus our energy is weve got to beat donald trump. Stephen how many debates have you guys done notice . 139. Stephen which moderator is the most aggravating, on a scale of chuck to todd . You got it. Stephen sith carolinians and southerners in general pride themselves on being very polite. If someone down here says something dumb or uninformed, we might just say, bless your heart. Right. Stephen bless your heart. I got it. Stephen you got it. I think im ready. Stephen donald trump definitely learned his lesson from the impeachment. Bless your little heart. laughter . Stephen very good. W, lets inet im a billionaire, and these ribs are my money. Uhhuh. Stephen okay, i want all of my money. Yes. Stephen its my money. Theyre my ribs. Yes. Stephen i dont want anyone else to have any of my ribs. Right. Stephen how many of my ribs would you take away . Its like a Little Corner right off the edge there. Stephen that much . Morning ill give part of that back. Stephen thats the best part. Ill give part of that back. Stephen i want that part come on. Its universal child care, you jerk here applause . Stephen no, im going to lick them all. Im going tow lick all the ribs so no one else can have any ribs. You know what . Well take them anywhere. Thats cancellation of Student Loan Debt for 43 million americans. Im doing this. cheers and applause stephen stuck with the delicious taste of universal child care, we headed doin tote bar for a drink with the voters of South Carolina. What do you drink . Whats your poison . Michelob ultra. Stephen michelob ultra. Coming right up. Stephen people of South Carolina, whats your concern this political season . Just making sure we can get trump out of the white house. That seems good. Im for that. You want to do that . Lets beat donald trump . You reid . Lets do it. Stephen you can have one of them, too. Are you sure you can handle it . Stephen i dont know, well find out. Cheers. Stephen cheers. That is its club soads and beers. Stephen do you know. Dough you know the joke . No, what joke . Stephen about whats why is michelob ultralike miking loaf in a canoe . No. Stephen abuse theyre both bleep close to water. Bless your heart. Ni applau ste cely done. Nicely done. cheers and applause stephen thank you, senator Elizabeth Warren well be right back with jason segel. Your quarter pounders cheese on top of the patty or right below it your answer is yes. The hottest, juiciest quarter pounder yet. Its perfect, made perfecter. Ba da ba ba ba dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. How we worship, or who we love. And the 2020 census is how that great promise is kept. Because this is the count that informs where hundreds of billions in funding will go each year for things like education, healthcare, and programs that touch us all. Shape your future. Start here. Learn more at 2020census. Gov how do you think they make starbursstarburst . Juicy . Juicedratic equation. Super topsecret mathematical formula they keep stored inside a safe, inside a vault, inside a volcano. Ahhh. Juicedratics. Starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Everything your trip needs for everyone you love. Expedia. Hello, i saw you move in, and i wanted to welcom