The dark cloud has been lifted off my family name because, with the shortage of hand sanitizer, you can now reach for everclear thats right. Its 190 proof, so super effective against germs and consciousness. Just rub it on your hands, then dont let your hands drive. Everclear, its good for ya now. cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, klobachow. Plus stephen welcomes ty burrell, John Heilemann and musical guest james taylor, urte and stay t ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo hey youre looking good cheers and applause yeah. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen welcome to the late show, one and all i am your host Stephen Colbert. The world cheers and applause i love the energy in this room. I love the positive energy in this room because out there the world is on edge over an International Emergency that threatens those who we hold most dear because oprah fell down laughter it is truly the end times. Just as it prophesies in the bible. The day of the lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar, the elements will be destroyed by fire, and oprah will fall down. Really sorry about that last one. Im a huge fan. Veimportanter here ropoprah is fine applause shes fine but she was in los angeles giving a speech when she took the tumble. So heres my definition of what wellness means to me. Wellness to me means all things in balance. And balance doesnt mean all things are equal or at peace at all times. Whoops audience reacts oh audience reacts stephen oprah fell while talking about balance. Whatever you do, oprah, dont give a speech about not falling into lava laughter again, shes fine. Tomorrow is super tuesday. So it comes with fries and a coke. On saturday, my home state of South Carolina held its democratic primary, or as the locals call it, the primary of northern aggression. cheers and applause laughter ill tell you all about it in tonights i have a plan for that. Beat trump the biggest misconception is im boring. Were at each others throats. Made a lot of money. I am going to beat this man like a drum. Theres no reason to panic. Fury road to the white house 2020. Stephen well, the votes are in, and South Carolina delivered a huge victory to former Vice President and man enjoying life in a xeljanz commercial, joe biden. In his victory speech, biden came out swinging. All of those who have been knocked down, counted out left behind, this is your campaign. Ch applaus just days ago the press and the pundits declared this candidacy dead. Stephen as biden and day before that, some doctor declared me medically dead. I told him, thats malarkey. I yanked the electrodes off my chest, then things went dark for a while, next thing i know, woke up right here on this stage thank you, South Carolina cheers and applause bidens speech called for unity within the party. If the democrats want a nominee who is a democrat cheering a lifelong democrat, a proud democrat, an obamabiden democrat, then join us. cheers and applause stephen thats right. Hes an obamabiden democrat. laughter and his best hope is you dont remember which of those two he is. laughter cheers and applause as biden at this point, who can remember which one of us was barack . Its obamabiden. I got a 5050 shot. laughter bidens huge win had big repercussions for other candidates. Namely, billionaire investor and man pointing to the guy who wont be president , tom steyer. laughter steyer staked his whole candidacy on winning South Carolina, so when he came in third, he knew that it was time to go, but he was philosophical. When the lord closes a door, he opens a window. cheering i will find that window and crawl through it with you. laughter stephen to which americans replied, honey, can you make sure we locked all the windows . laughter theres a crazy man out there saying the lord told him to crawl in. Steyer may have sensed the end was near, because the night before he really cut loose at a rally, where he joined rapper juvenile on stage for his hit, a white billionaire dancing with juvenile to a song about butts. laughter the 2020 campaign is officially a mad lib. laughter applause mad lib. Mad lib. piano riff cheers and applause the moment was so viral, that even cnn tried to get in on the fun with mixed results. This viral moment of yours. You got a little loose. Youre dancing. Youre on stage there with rapper juvenile. One of his hit songs. What was that moment like . What was moving you . What were you thinking . You know, fredricka, its really funny to me because we are talking about really serious things here. I mean, we are talking about people who are working for inadequate wages and cant live on it, people who are dying because the healthcare is so bad. Stephen no, dont take the footage away it fits perfectly Climate Change is an existential crisis. American families are going bankrupt. cheers and applause and if we dont act now, our grandchildren will be the ones to suffer. cheers and applause piano riff steyer wasnt the only democrat to drop out. He was joined a day later by former south bend mayor and cartoon woodchuck, Pete Buttigieg. laughter buttigieg finished fourth in South Carolina, so on sunday, mayor pete returned to south bend to deliver his concession speech. Sometimes the longest way round really is the shortest way home stephen pete, buddy, your campaign is over. You can Start Talking like a human now. Sometimes the arc of the moral universe leads us down a path we never knew we needed to find the common humanity that binds us. And, yeah, ill take fries with that. laughter applause piano riff then this afternoon we learned that the latest democrat to leave the race is minnesota senator and vice principal who has had it with your shenanigans, young man, amy klobuchar. Klobuchar made the decision to drop out when it became clear she wouldnt win the nomination, but kept running for over a year anyway. The senator hasnt made an official statement yet, but sources say, she plans to endorse joe biden at his rally tonight. And hell accept with a gracious as biden thanks, annie. laughter so now, lets bid farewell to these three candidates. Jim, can you put em all up . First, mayor pete. Thank you for your campaign efforts. laughter looks like bidens already taken over his space. And now amy klobuchar. Oh, joes luring her with hot dish. She cant resist. And shes outta here laughter and finally, we say goodbye to tom steyer. Riding high often his win cheers and applause there you go. Riding high off his win, biden hit the sunday show circuit to prove he was sharp and ready for super tuesday. Where can you win on tuesday . Well, i think we win north carolina, i think we can win in georgia is georgia tuesday . No, georgia is not tuesday i think theres one here in alabama. No, its not tuesday. I misspoke. Stephen as biden i misspoke. What matters is, i wanna thank the folks from south coronavirus. See you on tuesday, iowa. Im joe biden and i want to be your prom king. laughter cheers and applause then biden went to fox news to take the fight to the president. I can hardly wait to debate him on stage. I want people to see me standing next to him and him standing next to me. Well see whos sleepy. Stephen nicely done. The Vice President seemed very sharp there. Hes back on his game after a big victory. Lets see the very next thing he said. All right, chuck. Thank you very much. All right. Its chris, but anyway chris i just said chris. No, no, i just said chuck. Ill tell you what, man, these are backtoback. Anyway no, its okay. I dont know how you do it early in the morning, too. Stephen okay, hes not sleepy but he is in that state right after you wake up from a nap and dont know where you are. as biden im up i was just resting my eyes what is this . A couch . A bed . Is it nighttime . Early morning . Where am i . Am i still chasing that bird that stole my dads teeth . Anyway, chuck, vote for me, and i swear ill work hard as heck to get those teeth back. Cmon. laughter then, at a rally in texas today, biden stayed on his core message we hold these truths to be selveevident, all men and women created by the. Go, you know the. You know the thing. laughter stephen guess those truths arent as selfevident as he thought. as biden a great man, john f. Kennerby once said, four score and seven and, we pledge allegiance to the folks, because in space no one can hear you scream, yabba dabba doo, wheres the beef, you know the thing. Weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause ty burrell is here. But when we return, the coronavirus takes a bite out of the big apple. Stick around. Come on cheers and applause band playing wherever we want to go, autosave your way there with chase. Chase. Make more of whats yours. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause jon, coming up in just a minute, our friend ty burrell from modern family is going to be here. Jon oh, yes stephen i say friend. Also National Treasure james taylor is here tonight to do au. Folks, of course, coronavirus continues to dominate the headlines. In fact, ive now indefinitely suspended my beloved travel segment Stephen ColbertInternational Nose licker. laughter we were going to italy next. laughter the virus has begun to hit us at home. After diagnosing two new cases florida declared a Public Health emergency. Health officials want to caution anyone living in florida that theyre living in florida. laughter okay . cheers and applause watch out. Watch out. Sadly, over at disney world, tough news for the seven dwarfs. Doc had to put sneezy down. laughter jon oh, my. Stephen i said tough news. I said tough news. Hardest hit so far is washington state. Governor inslee has declared a state of emergency. Thousands are suspected to be infected, and there have been multiple fatalities. Experts believe that the virus may have spread undetected there for weeks, after performing a genetic analysis. Genetic analysis is also how they found out the coronavirus is 14 french canadian on its moms side. laughter its kind of fun. In the face of this virus, trump is focusing on the most dangerous threat to america the democrats. laughter now the democrats are politicizing the corona virus. One of my people came up to me and said, mr. President , they tried to beat you on russia, russia, russia, that didnt work out too well. They couldnt do it. They tried the impeachment hoax. That was on a perfect conversation. booing they tried anything, they tried it over and over. Theyve been doing it since you got in. Its all turning they lost, its all turning. Think of it, think of it. And this is their new hoax. Stephen its not a hoax. Its a crisis. laughter but trumps more concerned with covering his ass than protecting the american people. It explains his new emergency broadcast message. as trump beeeeeep. This is only a hoax. If this was a real emergency, i would call it a hoax. Beeeeeep. laughter cheers and applause piano riff big fans of the emergency brt te this weekend, the first case in new york city was confirmed. Its a woman in her 30s who is isolated in her manhattan home. A woman in her 30s isolated in her manhattan home for the weekend . laughter youre gonna have to be more specific. laughter cheers and applause shes okay. I hope shes okay. piano riff new york businesses are already taking precautions to try to stay open during a possible outbreak. One bar owner has written to the mayor to see whether the city cockoffer licenses for takeout laughter ita a ver. laughter applause really . Wow, i didnt know. Its the salt. You have to keep the salin and new yorkers are even changing their behavior to avoid exposure by reducing handshakes and hugs and contorting themselves on the subway to keep from touching the poles. Hot tip for anyone visiting new york city never touch the poles. laughter never touch the seats, the doors, the floor, the other passengers, or the guy pleasuring himself in the corner even if he asks. And he will ask. laughter well be right back with ty burrell. cheers and applause band playing burrito. Raw kitfo. Fried shiso. French fry. Iced chai. Tasty. Pad thai. Pork chop. Soursop. Hot pot. Im hungry now. Noodle soup. Cantaloupe. Ice cream scoop. Whipped cream bloop. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. And those crispy onion rings. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. We are americas kitchen. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. E competition and we broke through. Youve tried retinol, but you have never tried one like this. Olays retinol24 complex hydrates better than the 1 retinol. Visibly smoother brighter skin in just 24 hours. A skin upgrade . Crushed it. New olay retinol24. Face anything. Olay. Now available with retinol serum and retinol eye cream. Sweetheart, do my forearms look bigger . They look the same. Ive been spinning faster recently. I think theyre getting bigger. Feel them. Yeah, they kinda feel bigger. Yeah, cool. Sorry. Its okay. Switch to progressive and you could save hundreds. You know. Like the sign says. You know, the happiest place on earth, but. Have you flown the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy . Or channeled your inner jedi . You gotta love that. Have you raced through radiator springs . Or struck a power pose with them . Now is the perfect time to feel like this. And this. And definitely that. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an Emmy Awardwinning actor you know as phil dunphy on modern family. He now voices a character on the animated series, duncanville. Please welcome to the late show, ty burrell cheers and applause band playing thats all. Thats all. Theyre trying to make me stand. Thats all. Stephen thank you very much. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Stephen thank you for wearing cord roy. Yeah, i know. Stephen you dont see enough corduroy suits anymore. I came with all my corduroy, of iry bit i have. Stephen and soothing earth tones. Youre calm meg down to look at you. This is the oregon in me. Its all dirt and trees and needles and things like that. Stephen i dont as much as i should about oregon. What does it mean to be from oregon other than youre from oregon . Whats the character of oregonians . Well, i dont know ill probably get a lot of flack for this, but i think part of being oregonian is a little bit of being sort of unidentifiable. Stephen you mean like no fingerprints or what do you mean . Leave no trace, thats the state motto. Stephen we were never here. We were never here. Stephen this conversation never happened. Is there a local accent or anything . No, theres none. The most remarkable thing about oregon is how unremarkable the accent is. Theres no lilt, theres no twang. Were basically a state of newscasters, and i laughter when i was growing up, i basically thought, like, peter jennings, dan rather, i thought they were all oregonians. Stephen they were in training. Its natural for you. I thought they were broadcasting down the street. Stephen you and i share something. This is a right of passage for any actor ever living in new york, legally at some point you have to be on law and order. Its like going to the dmv. You have a couple of things you have to do, you have to go to dmv to get your i. D. And go to law and order to be a guest star. Stephen i was a murderer, i blew up old women with live bombs through the mail. They say they wrote it with me in mind. laughter are you serious . Stephen we thought of you, is what they said. Oh, my god stephen what did you do on lawen order . I did the show three times. Stephen what . let me tell you this, this is tell us what mark i made on each performance. They cast me first of all, i did the show. A year and a half later, they cast me again and im convinced the casting directors didnt remember who i was when i was on the show. Stephen not the same character. No, completely different character. The first time i did lawen uporder was my first time doing anything outside of theater, my first scene of television, and what you would understand and a lot of guess actors understand is being a guest actor on a procedural is the hardest job in television, there is no harder job in teferlings. What you do as a guest, the series regulars, bless them, they just cant carry the load every night because theyre there 16 hours a day. Stephen for 12 years. For 12 years. And the guest actors show up and they have to do all the exposition, do the climax, do everything. So the scenes are basically like the lead will Say Something like, when did you see her last . And then the guest actor has a two paragraph monologue about where they went to school, you know, all of that. Then the lead will go, wait, so youre saying she knew ricky servelli . And then there are two paragraphs about how that all escalates. Stephen and tears. And then tears. So my first scene we shot out of order, my first scene was the tears, the emotional climax of the whole thing. My first scene ever on teferlings. Im coming from theater, im thinking of my dead grandmother to get there emotionally. My scene was with rest in peace, jerry orbak, lovely man. applause lovely man but, by this point, tired. Stephen sure. Tired. You know, hed been there for years. Stephen hed done the work. Hed done the work. My scene is me sobbing. It feels right after lunch. He had not finished his lunch. So hes off camera, so, you know, thats the way it works sometimes. One of the actors is basically near the camera while theyre filming the other actor. Im on camera sobbing, and hes finishing his sandwich. Stephen like a new york city detective. laughter i guess. Basically the scene starts and its, like, action and hes like, mr. Barns, calm down. And im, like, oh, my god you guys have got to do more, youve got to do more and hes sort of, like laughter were doing everything we can. And it gets to the end where hes basically picking stuff out of his teeth, and im still sobbing, and i can see him sort of basically, like, looking to somebody offscreen, like, did i order mayo on this thing . laughter so, basically, like, the tears were real, but they were about my loss of innocence in the world. laughter stephen well, how many seasons of modern family have you guys done now . 11. Stephen 11 seasons. This is the final. Coming up april 8th, i think, last one. Yeah cheers and applause stephen how hard is it going to be for you t