Totally, bro. This sanitizer puts new york to shame, just like we did in the 2004 a. L. C. S. Dave roberts was too fast for mariano, bro. Sorry, bro. Too fast. Our Hand Sanitizer aint made by no prisoners, is it, markey . No, its made by people who should be in prison but they got off because theyre wicked smart. You want sanitizer youre in luck try our product yankees suck its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight new york state of mind. Plus, stephen welcomes and Peter Sarsgaard featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey how are you . Hllo, friends its nice to have you here. There you go very nice. It just warms your heart to see these nice people here. How delightful. Welcome, welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Coronavirus is all anyones talking about, and ill talk about it some more tonight in tonights edition of goin viral. Touch my body. Stephen there are now how many . Over 900 confirmed cases of the coronavirus in 36 states, and one of the worst hit states is right here, new york. Start spreading the flus applause much of the activity here has centered around suburban new rochelle, which has the largest cluster of these cases in the united states. Well, this afternoon, we got a big announcement from new york governor and man who just heard someone cough, andrew cuomo. laughter governor qoam on announced plans to enforce a containment area for a onemile radius around the center of the cluster. Oh, what a clustersuck. laughter as part of the response, Governor Cuomo has called in the National Guard. National guard . Containment area . These are family feud answers for the question name something you hear in a zombie apocalypse. laughter show me oh, god hes eating my brain cheers and applause now, the National Guard is not there to enforce the containment area. Instead, they are going to help with the cleaning of public spaces and to deliver food to homes. And i think we have a picture of the areas new dominos guy. laughter but this is a very brave action being taken by these guardsmen. So, guardsman, i salute you. Oops, im touching my face. Now, people in the area can still travel freely, but the containment zone blocks any large public gatherings in the area, to prevent further transmission of the virus. Oh, so its just a precaution. Nothing to worry about. In fact, Governor Cuomo tried to calm anxious residents, saying, this is, literally, a matter of life and death. laughter show me literally a matter of life and death big choice. A good one. Jon ding, ding, ding, number one stephen number one answer because of anxiety over the coronavirus, everybody wants to stay sterile, and that has led to a lot of price gouging in the state. For instance, purell was selling for 79 in one manhattan hardware store. Well, side say thats certainly not. A true value. laughter in response in response, yesterday, new york state announced that it will be producing its own Hand Sanitizer, to be available at local government and state agency offices. And, since its new york, it will also be available on a folding table next to a fake Louis Vuitton clutch, used paperbacks, and a bootleg dvd of mister poppers penguins. laughter now when when applause when Governor Cuomo made the announcement, he did it with style. Open the curtain, please. We are introducing new york state clean Hand Sanitizer made conveniently by the state of new york. Stephen heres what troubles me i shouldnt be this excited sanitizer. laughter if this were the price is right, when that curtain opened it would have sounded like this. cheers and applause now jon thats what it sounds like, right on. Stephen the governor helpfully demonstrated how to use Hand Sanitizer. It has a very nice floral bouquet. I detect lilac, hydrangea, tulips. Stephen as cuomo lilac, hydrangea, tulips. And since this is new york, all of that is being overpowered by garbage, and subway poop that you hope is from a dog. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. applause although, dont get too excited about that floral bouquet, as cuomo explains just to clarify, i said this had a floral bouquet. That was a joke. laughter stephen its not really a joke if you just Say Something that could be true but isnt. laughter hey, guys, its my birthday oh, happy birthday its not my birthday. That was a joke. Hey, everybody ted here thinks i tell the truth when i talk. What a jackass by the way, why does everyone hate me . Fear of the virus has had a huge effect on the economy. Yesterday, the dow fell 2,000 points, so the president immediately held a press conference to announce his plan to plan to have a plan to do stuff. Were going to be meeting with House RepublicansMitch Mcconnell, everybody and discussing a possible payroll tax cut or relief, substantial relief, very substantial relief. Were also going to be talking about hourly wage earners getting help so that they can be in a position where theyre not going to ever miss a paycheck. Well be working with companies and Small Companies, Large Companies a lot of companies so that they dont get penalized for something thats not their fault. Stephen as trump im here with Mitch Mcconnell and others to announce hastilythrowntogether measures that feel like im throwing handfuls of dry dog food at a charging tiger. Heres a tax cut maybe some loans substantial reliefs for everybody Small Companies fat companies sexy companies Ugly Companies tell me when one of these works. Anybody send up a flare. cheers and applause today, trump emerged to address a worried nation about the virus from the capitol buildings official chamber of echoes. Just stay calm. It will go away. Be calm. Its really working out. And a lot of good things are gonna happen. Stephen really . laughter because thats what i kept telling myself about you, and three years in, no good things have happened. cheers and applause the president seemed to downplay how Many Americans might be in danger. Reporter have you been briefed that up to 100 million americans could ultimately be exposed to the virus . Ive been briefed on every contingency you can possibly imagine, many contingencies, a lot of positive, different numbers. All different numbers. Very large numbers. And some small numbers too, by the way. laughter stephen as trump big numbers, like seventyteen berzillion. small numbers, like 3 and its a 3 in a really, really tiny font. the point is, i know all of the numbers and most of the letters. L. P. M. Youd think trump would be taking the threat of the coronavirus more seriously than this since he might have it. See, someone at the conservative Political Action conference, or cpac, later tested positive for coronavirus. And some republicans, like senator ted cruz and representatives paul gosar and matt gaetz have had to selfquarantine at home. Our thoughts and prayers are with their families. laughter the most recent person cheers the most recent person in trumps orbit to selfquarantine is representative mark meadows, who President Trump just last week selected as his next acting chief of staff. That is a rough start to a new job. Welcome aboard, mark heres your keycard. Snack rooms down there. Parkings in the rear. Now get out of here for two weeks while we burn everything you touched. One republican who has refused to selfquarantine is texas representative louie gohmert, seen here snorting the steeple. laughter gohmert also came in contact with the coronavirus patient at cpac, but he has declined to selfisolate after a physician said he could return to work if he observed proper hygiene protocols. Sounds okay, but yesterday, rather than limit nonessential interactions, gohmert chose instead to lead a large group of children around the capitol that consisted of well over 100 kids. as gohmert disease vectors you know the expression children are our future . Well, were gonna test that theory today okay, highfive highfive come on. cheers and applause at the Economic Press conference, reporters asked mike pence about whether trump has been tested. Reporter has the president been tested . Sir, hes been in contact with people who were in proximity to somebody who had the virus. Let me be sure to get you an answer to that. I honestly dont know the answer to the question. Stephen as pence we dont know the answer to that question, because we keep putting the swabs in his mouth and he keeps eating them. He thinks theyre tiny cotton candies. So President Trump, who is now surrounded by people who have gone into selfquarantine, still hasnt been tested for coronavirus. That means well just have to keep our eyes open for any signs of sickness, like mental fogginess, or poor sleep, thinning hair, and strange coloring. Not only has trump not been tested. He seems proud of the fact that hes not taking any precautions to protect the people around him. For instance, yesterday, trump arrived in florida and immediately began shaking hands with people waiting at the airport. Yikes thats like not using protection when having sex with a porn star you just met at a golf tournament. laughter who would do that who . Would . Weve got a great show for you tonight. Charles barkley is here. But when we come back, joe biden gets feisty. Stick around yeah, you know the happiest place on earth, but. Did you know this is where you can harness your inner jedi . And tear around radiator springs . Or get your flex on with the incredibles. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day,. Doesnt mean you got to spend a lot because dennys brought back the super slam™. With eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage and pancakes. All for just 6. 99. The 6. 99 super slam™ is back see you at dennys cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Welcome, welcome, one and all, back to the show. Thank you. Thank you, jon. Im back out here. Jon, one of the greats thanks, everybody. cheers and applause please, have a seat. Were back over here. More monologue. I thought i was done with the monologue, and they said, theres more monologue so you should stand over there. Our first guest tonight is one of the alltime greats a great talker, too, not just player. Charles barkley is here to talk about march madness. Jon dream teem. Stephen what else has happened . Tonight, six states held their primaries, including one of the areas hardest hit by the virus, washington state. Luckily, all of their voting is done by mail. But there is some worry that the mailin votes themselves could be a source of contagion, so the state just introduced this actual new slogan about their ballot envelopes whether healthy or sick, please dont lick. laughter yeah. Its better than the last election, when they were battling an s. T. D. Outbreak with the slogan, please dont slurp if youve got herp. laughter thats thats actually true all the time. Thats great advice. Sound wisdom, jeremiah. Thats not all the big election news. Ill catch you up on the latest in tonights edition of in i beat trump corn pop was a bad dude. Bing, bing, bong, bong. Fury road to the white house 2020. The showdown to find a place to sit down. The gloves off. The dentures are in. Two old men enters, one leaves. Come on, go its fury road cheers and applause stepen i hope theyre okay. I hope theyre okay. The democratic primary is down to joe biden and bernie sanders, and as of today, projections at fivethirtyeight. Com say joe bidens chances of winning the nomination are 99 out of 100. as bernie betrayed by the 99 laughter what next . Et tu, metamucil . laughter old men need fiber but joe seems intent on bringing down his own odds. Today, while campaigning in an auto plant in detroit, he was confronted by a progun voter, and he didnt handle it all that way. You are actively trying to diminish our seconnd amendment right and take away our guns. Youre full of bleep . Stephen ww laughter applause wow, joe, what happened to malarkey . Come on, the last thing we need is another president i have to bleep. Biden tried to explain himself to the voter, and it almost led to fisticuffs. I support the second amendment. Im not taking your gun away. At all. You need 100 rounds when you say youre gonna take our guns i did not say that. Thats not i did not say that its a viral video. Thats a viral video like the other ones theyre putting out. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Take your ar14. This is not okay. Dont tell me that, pal, or im going to go out and slap you in the face. Stephen wow he is threatening to fight a voter we havent seen this kind of roughandtumble campaign since William Henry harrisons tippecanoe and nutpunch too laughter applause bidens team is aware that the only thing that can stop joe biden now is joe biden. So they have a bold new strategy shorter speeches. In fact, we have a preview of his new stump speech. applause barack obama cheers and applause thank you. cheers and applause stephen well be right back with charles barkley. President trump and Vice President pence held a press conference to discuss the Coronavirus Task force. Lets listen in. I think weve handled it very, very well. I think theyve done a great job. The people behind me have done a great job. Mr. President , have you been tested . Has he been tested . I have not been tested for the coronavirus. Has want president. Sleep this amazing . Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. Musi ladies and gentlemen shadow featuring de la soul get ready, yall get ready ready set jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go keep it steady steady, to the letter, right . Turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, whatd i miss . Ready, set steady, bet and my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby are haikus better than fleece . Than. Fleece edition. Uh no way grapes . pet rocks . What . are wizards better than fleece . you stole my bit neil. And no, nothings better than fleece. Get thirty percent off everything or forty percent with an Old Navy Credit card. At old navy hey allergy muddlers. Achoo . Do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. It starts working hard at hour one. And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Zyrtec muddle no more. Where the prices make all the dresses yeses. Yeah save 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices on our best selection of spring dresses. The ross spring dress event, on now what . Oooh. Ahhh. No. Yeah . Yes oh yeah si. Yes. Thats the sound of saving 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices. At ross. Yes for less. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back ladies and gentlemen, folks, my first guest tonight is an n. B. A. Hall of famer, an olympic gold medalist, and a studio analyst on inside the n. B. A. He will be covering march madness right here on cbs and turner. Please welcome back to the late show, mr. Charles barkley applause cheers . Stephen when a hit . There you go. Just in case. You dont know where ive been. Hey. Stephen yup. Okay, lets talk coronavirus for just a second before we talk sports. Sure. Stephen how is that affecting your life . Not at all. Stephen its not . No you. Stephen dont have to worry about the germs, about the viruses, or anything like that . I mean, i hope unfortunately some people have passed away and some people are sick but you cant stop living your life you know. applause . Stephen positive attitude. No, well, its like, this debate where we dont let fans come to games. Im like, okay, if they dont come to games, are they not going to live their lives . Are they not going to go to work . Are they not going to go out and have dinner and things like that . You cant stop living. Just not coming to a basketball game, i dont think thats going to solve all the issues. Stephen as a player, how important was it for you to have that energy of the fans . How much did that affect your play, a real, live crowd . It affects you a lot. It gives you a great energy boost. Sometimes youre tired when youre playing three games four games in five nights or youre just physically or mentally exhausted. The crowd is really important. It wouldnt be good for the game not to have fans. Theyre an intricate part of the process. Stephen lebron james says hes not going to play if there are no fans out there. Once he misses one of those checks, he might change his mind. applause . Stephen he might in the make rent. Im pretty sure lebron makes about 2 million a week, every two weeks. I think once he misses a couple of checks, hell be back out there. laughter yeah. Stephen you will be covering march madness. Yes. Stephen it starts one week from today. Are we going to see march madness with no fans . Thats just march. Thats just march sadness man. It would be sad. Stephen yeah. It would be really unfortunate. Like i say, if you feel bad, dont come. But its such a great event. Stephen yeah. I tell people, i was blessed to play in the olympics twice. applause yeah. Stephen which two . Which two . 92, 96. Stephen 92, 96. Barcelona. And atlanta. Stephen okay, sure. Other than the olympics, march madness is the greatest thing i have ever experienced the last few years we have been covering march madness. It would be a travesty if the fans werent there. War eagle. Thats auburn. Stephen news from this past weekend speaking of the olympics, actually. I understand youve been doing a little marie condoing. Youve been simplifying your life in a few ways. Youre looking to sell some things. Im getting rid of all the crap trophies i ever won. Stephen the