Oooh, it looks like someone passed out on the Steering Wheel again. Get the poking stick, connie. There you go. Give him a good jab. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight wednesday night fever. Plus, stephen welcomes hank azaria and Suzy Nakamura featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo you cant catch me cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen, friends, neighbors, countried men. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Is eerve you sound good. You people sound good. Is everybody okay tonight . Yeah stephen im glad to hear that, this coronavirus, jon, its making people anxious. People are really nervous. But at a time like this, we all need to laugh and to be together. From a distance of about 20 feet, Something Like that. Quick programming note, starting on monday and this is true out of an abundance of caution, the late show along with all the other latenight shows in new york city will go without audiences booing see you wont be able to do that on monday. Were going too this for the foreseeable future, so you people, this audience tonight, youre one of the last audiences i will have. You are all collectors items. Have yourselves notarized. cheers and applause okay. And as collectors items and this is important until this is over, stay in your original packaging, or else you lose all your value. Ill give you the latest on the coronavirus in my please let it be over soon segment, goin viral. This is gonna be sick, yo up top stephen there are now laughter i am not going to miss him. There are now over 1,000 cases of the coronavirus in the united states, and this afternoon, the World Health Organization declared coronavirus a pandemic. And congress got an update from Infectious Disease expert and nice doctor your mom flirts with, anthony fauci. Dr. Fauci has been one of the main voices from the administration on coronavirus, which is why he was called to testify in front of the House Oversight committee. And fauci struck a positive note when he answered a question about how Many Americans might be affected. I cant give you a realistic number until we put into the factor of how we respond. If we are complacent and dont do really aggressive containment and mitigation, the number could go way up and be involved in many, many millions. Stephen to be clear, hes not saying millions will die, just that millions might get it. So turn that frown upside down, then dont touch your frown. Its on your face massachusetts representative Stephen Lynch took fauci and c. D. C. Director redfield to task over not standing up to the president s lies. The president , on march 6, told the people in my district publicly that the tests were ready. There were no tests. Zero, zero. He said this in front of some of you at a public hearing, at a press conference. And i saw no one step up and say, no, the president wasnt correct. We need you to step up. We really need honesty here. And when the president is making statements like this, we need pushback from the Public Health officials. You know, standing behind him and nodding silently, or an eyeroll once in a while, is not going to get it. Stephen hold on. Anyone who doesnt think an eyeroll is enough has never had a teenage daughter. laughter that is social distancing. cheers and applause that is jon my goodness. Stephen last night, the white houses Coronavirus Task force held an Emergency Press briefing, and dr. Fauci emphasized that daily life is about to change. You have to start taking seriously what you can do now, that if and when the infections will come and they will come, sorry to say, sad to say, they will. We would like the country to realize that as a nation, we cant be doing the kinds of things we were doing a few months ago. Stephen but i want to laughter a few months ago was great it was the holidays i was drunk on eggnog i was watching cheer. I was falling in love with baby yoda i was looking forward i was looking forward to impeaching the president. Remember that feeling . cheers and applause were going to get trump boltons going to testify, and the senates going to do the right thing its only march, and 2020 has done the impossible made me nostalgic for 2019. Now earlier in the briefing, we heard from Task Force Leader and man who has quarantined his mind from knowledge laughter Vice President mike pence. He addressed a growing concern for americans the cost of testing and treatment. All of our major Health Insurance companies have now joined with medicare and medicaid and agreed to waive all copays, cover the cost of all treatment for those that contract the coronavirus. Stephen what a cool idea its like medicare but. For all. laughter cheers and applause thats really that would be kind of cool. That might be that might be how did he think of that . Jon i like that stephen how did he think of that . Secretary of health and Human Services and ted cruz cosplayer, alex azar, had some confusing advice. Reporter President Trump said on friday that anyone who wants to get tested can get tested. If their doctor weve always been clear if their doctor or Public Health physician believes they need to be tested, it needs to so its a false premise. Go to your doctor actually dont go to your doctor. Call your Doctors Office first. Stephen as azar actually, dont call. Theyre very busy. Write your doctor a letter, but dont send it, because you shouldnt lick stamps. Maybe just try eating some raw garlic. Wait, no, thats for vampires. The one thing i can say for sure is do not ask me for advice. laughter applause daily life cheers and applause jon im good. Im staying healthy. Stephen 10 out of 10, pops . Jon 10 out of 10, pops. Stephen daily life is changing. For instance, to combat the coronavirus, harvard wants students to move out in five days. So, for the first time in history, harvard is now your safety school. laughter and harvard is not alone. Students from maines Bowdoin College wont return to campus after spring break. Its to protect the students, especially the schools most popular fraternity phi catcha virus. laughter shout out to my phi catch brothers. We have a very simple secret handshake. laughter nobodys pledging this year. No ones pledging this year. But the extended break doesnt mean the countrys turning into party central. In fact, Florida Spring break tourism is now in question amid the spread of the coronavirus. So spring break establishments are taking extra precautions this year. Senior frogs just introduced their purell tshirt contest. laughter the council on Foreign Relations has cancelled a coronavirus conference because of the coronavirus. laughter applause that was a surprise. Something jon isnt that something . Stephen something of a surprise. In related news, the International Irony festival is going ahead as planned. laughter best year ever. The coronavirus is also affecting the 2020 race. Last night, we found out that sundays debate between joe biden and Bernie Sanders in phoenix will be held without an audience, which is why cnn has already redone the proposaloze. Jim. Bernie vrls biden, two old men, one silent room. Who. Will. Nod. Off pd first. snoring cheers and applause stephen ill watch it. I will watch that. Place your bets now one sector of the economy thats being hit especially hard with cancellations is the travel industry. Because of reduced demand, airlines could lose 113 billion. That is almost enough to pay for three checked bagging on united. Making matters worse, at an airport in california, three t. S. A. Agents just tested positive for coronavirus. Thats not good. as t. S. A. Agent sir, is this your bag . Okay, great, im going to touch every single item in it. Is this your sandwich . Is this your sandwich . Great, thats good to go. Yocan eat. But this hand sanitizer, thats liquid. In the trash it goes. All right, all right. There you go. applause cheers all right. Come here. Come here. Okay. Lets take a look at that face of yours. Another good, good, nice firm eyeballs. Thats good. That tongues nice and moist. Tell you what, im going to hand you off to my associate, dale. Im feeling a little. Im getting chills. Before you go, just let me cup yer. Yeah, yeah. Youre good. Thats less than three ounces. laughter one group isnt too worried, though, because young people are capitalizing on cheap coronavirus flights. cheers and applause they dont get it right . Young people are fine, supposedly . I dont know. One College Student taking a cheap flight to new york told reporters, i feel like if the coronavirus would get even more serious and, like, wipe out a large amount of people, i might as well be somewhere having fun. cheers and applause so now, as people taking pictures in times square. I have some terrible news times square is not fun, unless you have a fetish for people in urinesoaked elmo costumes. One guy one guy who just booked a cruise told reporters tha he doesnt believe the coronavirus is a hoax. He doesnt think fears of it are overhyped. And his girlfriend tried to convince him it was a bad idea. Its your typical boyfriendgirlfriend dynamic. as boyfriend look, babe, we made a deal. Last week, we went to that art in the park thing you wanted to do, so this week, we go on the death ship. Its fair. Here in new york, officials are ramping up the coronavirus response. Yesterday, organizers cancelled the new york city half marathon. No word on whether theyre going to cancel the second half. laughter the city is also working to protect commuters, announcing a plan to double coronavirusrelated cleanings of new york city subways. applause . Stephen yeah, yeah. Double double. Jon theyre going to double it up. Stephen so twice a year. Weve got a great show for you tonight mr. Hank azaria is here. When we return theres more monologue. Theres just too much to talk bmy friends. Stick around. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band right there cheers and applause we are here we are here, ladies and gentlemen, because please have a seat, everybody. Theres just too much to talk about tonight. So weve got more monologue tonight. Those are the biggest nights, the more monologue nights. Jon double it up. Stephen yesterday right into it yesterday, six states held primaries. Ill give the latest on the democratic race in tonights edition of i beat trump corn pop was a bad dude. You knew damn well i was a snake fury road to the white house 2020. The democratic ger attic primary. The race to reachergrab the nomination cheers and applause stephen last night those are getting good. Stephen last night was a Pivotal Moment for democrats who would they choose to return america to stability, steadiness, and calm . The overwhelming answer the old man who threatened to slap an autoworker. Biden had another huge night, winning idaho, mississippi, missouri, and michigan. Thats a huge blow for bernie because, as he told reporters, michigan is the most important state. After all, michigan is americas mitten and if elected, i will safetypin it to indiana, which is americas jacket sleeve. Biden did well with suburban voters, and even sanders supporters. In missouri, many white voters who sided with sanders in 2016 backed biden in 2020. So, apparently, in 2016, a lot of white voters were less committed to bernie than they were committed to not voting for a woman. You can read all about that in elizabeth warrens new book, you dont say biden cheers and applause oh, really oh, really chapter one, no duuh biden is still way ahead of bernie when it comes to support among black voters. Unfortunately, biden is still desperately trying to appeal to one subset of black voter former president s from hawaii aged 57 to 59. No word yet on that one. Today, sanders was philosophical about his losses. While our campaign has won the ideological debate, we are losing the debate over electability. Stephen yes, the debate over electability, also known as the election. So after a historic drubbing on the most important night of his campaign, he had an important announcement to make. On sunday, i very much look forward to the debate in arizona with my friend joe biden. Stephen wait a second so you held a press conference to announce youre not dropping out . as bernie in conclusion, let me just say and i mean this sincerely psyche well be right back with meanwhile President Trump spoke to the press today about the status of coronavirus. Lets listen in. Weve also had some very good updates on the virus. Thats working out very smoothly, tremendous people. Its a tremendous task for us. They have done a great job. Not a good job, a great job. I feel extremely good. I feel very good. I spoke to the white house doctor, terrific guy, talented guy, he said 8,000 versus 26 at this time. With all of that being said, were taking this unbelievably seriously. And i think were doing a good job. Again, the task force than they are right now. So a lot of good things are going to happen. Thank you very much. Some seasoning. Mmm. Thats better. Hvr seasoning. 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Find the things you love with a voice command. Introducing at t tv. With live tv and access to streaming apps. Visit att. Com tv. Just like covered california helps you find Health Insurance you can afford. Theyre the only place you can get Financial Assistance to help pay for Health Coverage. Plus, this year, the state is providing more help than ever before. And because a new law requires californians to have Health Coverage or pay a penalty, covered california has made it easier to get financial help, but you gotta sign up by april 30th. Visit coveredca. Com or call to enroll today. Doesnt mean you got to spend a lot because dennys brought back the super slam™. With eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage and pancakes. All for just 6. 99. The 6. 99 super slam™ is back see you at dennys band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Jon, just a second jon, in just a minute, our friend hank azaria is going to be out here in just a minute. Jon oh, yes. Amazing. Fantastic. Stephen and from avenue 5 on hbo, an old friend of mine from second city back in chicago. Suzy nakamura is going to be here. We always have Suzy Nakamura fans at late show. Folk, if you watch this show, this is no secret i spend a lot of time over there taking the raw lumber of the days biggest stories, planing and grading it into fine planks and crafting it into the bespoke louis quatorze armoire that is my monologue. But once in a while, i like to just sweep up the shop shavings, break up some particle board and industrial wood pulp waste, grind all that up and treat it with a special chemical resin to create the vomitabsorbing sawdust compound of news that is my segment mhile cheers and applause . Stephen meanwhile. That could fight coronavirus. This could cure it. It could. Meanwhile, a Japanese Company that specializes in gamingcentric furniture has released a bed designed specifically for video gamers. Unsurprisingly, the gamer bed does not come in a version that fits two people. laughter applause meanwhile, the coronavirus has made its way to our meanwhiles, so im afraid i have to sequester the infected stories and keep them separate from the others in a new meanwhile subsegment, quarantinewhile. laughter quarantinewhile, after a false rumor circulated online, the french government had to release a statement clarifying that cocaine will not protect you from covid19. laughter why did they think it would . Thats clearly just french people justifying their vices. as smoking frenchman but, cherie i have to sleep with claudette eet eez the only thing zat curez my eczema back to meanwhile. Visitors to new york city can now see what new york looks like from the edge a sky deck with a glass floor, 100 floors up. Wow, a glassbottomed deck 100 floors up. Or as streetlevel perverts call it. A challenge. laughter cheers and applause meanwhile, a lufthansa flight from frankfurt to bremen was forced to circle over the airport awaiting landing clearance, so the pilot decided to use the flight path to create a big penis picture in the sky. Wow. Jon skillful. Stephen that looks hard. cheers and applause meanwhile, according to case reports recently published in the journal of studies on alcohol and drugs, a woman took 550 times the usual dose of l. S. D. , with surprisingly positive consequences. In september 2015, the woman took 55 milligrams of what she believed was cocaine but was actually pure l. S. D. Powder form. thats gotta be a shock when youre expecting a cocaine high, but you are informed of your mistake by your own shoe. What . I snorted what . what do you mean it was laced with something . Youre the one whos laced with something look, just calm down. Were going to g