Tonight, one stone overturned. Plus, stephen welcomes julia louisdreyfus. And musical guest moses sumney. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey you look good dont they look good . So good cheers and applause beautiful hey nice, i like it. Thank you so much, everybody. Please, have a seat. My friends, good to see you. Welcome. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The 2020 election applause everybody is excited. You know why, jon . Its because the 2020 election is finally under way. Jon its going. Stephen yeah, today was the New Hampshire primary. So after a year of campaigning, we only have nine months to go. laughter ill give you all the latest in tonights edition of. I have a plan for that. A progressive agenda. horn beeping youre a lying dogfaced pony soldier. I think they will end up being the losers. Fury road to the white house, 2020. cheers and applause stephen steyer is cut, man. Steyer looks good. Jon he got cut. Stephen now, we taped the show before the polls closed today, so we dont know who won in New Hampshire. Or iowa. But laughter we know the results from the midnight primaries held in towns like Dixville Notch. Dixville notch, of course, a tiny hamlet on the border of taintown trench, next to grundleton, penis township, and munchbutt canyon. laughter the Dixville Notch primary had msnbcs Brian Williams pretty excited. As we watch this, this will be like an athletic event. We can do color commentary. First of all, we need to establish that Northern New England is staggeringly beautiful, and that there are portions of northern New Hampshire where moose way outnumber people, as it should be. laughter stephen as it should be . Thats a little odd, but it explains his signoff as williams for msnbc, im Brian Williams. Bow before our moose masters, you human scum. Good night. laughter Dixville Notch had a surprise winner former new york mayor michael bloomberg, seen here stopping and frisking little bunny foofoo. laughter jon whoa, snap stephen got to stop and frisk him, hes bopping those field mice on the heads. laughter bloomberg won dixville in a landslide, but thats not saying much, given that the town only has five residents. laughter five he used his overwhelming cash advantage to buy targeted advertising, like kevin, vote for me. Ill make sure carol comes back. laughter and this one carol, vote for me. I promise to keep kevin away. The other big midnight winner was minnesota senator amy klobuchar, seen here doing a tight five at the pot luck. Even though bloomberg snagged Dixville Notch, when the three midnight primaries, Dixville Notch, harts location, and millsfield, were tallied together, klobuchar had won the most votes, with a whopping total of eight. Or as joe biden put it, wow, eight. That reminds me of the number of years i spent in the white house with barack obama. cheers and applause yeah. cheers and applause worth it, totally worth it. Of course, the Vice President s not doing all that well in the granite state. Before the votes were even counted tonight, biden and his wife flew out to a South Carolina launch party. Doesnt exactly sound confident. Thats like a guy on his wedding day saying, to love, honor, and cherish till death do us part. Now, if youll excuse me, i have a date. laughter on the eve hello. On the eve of the democratic primary, President Trump held a rally in manchester, New Hampshire, because he couldnt stand the idea of other people getting any attention. And while he was up there, he took some time to complain about House Speaker nancy pelosi. On tuesday, i delivered my address on the state of the union, and i had somebody behind me who was mumbling terribly, mumbling mumbling, wah, wah, oh, ah. Stephen huh. Audience boo stephen that was really late on that. But ive got to ask, have i been using the word mumbling incorrectly . as trump she was mumbling oh, ha, ho, ha. She was stuttering swish, swish, swish and worst of all, she kept whistling chachachachacha chachacha now, trump trump took time to tell the people of nearby concord how much he loves concord. Concord, concord, i love concord. cheers and applause i love concord oh, concord. You know how famous concord. Is . Concord, thats the same concord that we read about all the time, right . Concord. I love concord stephen first of all. You do not read any of the time. Second, no, that is not that same concorde. That concorde is in massachusetts. as trump oh, concord, i love concord your city once fought the red coats with a supersonic jet that could make the trip from new york to london in record time. Oh, concorde i love your grape juice concorde, i love you speaking of things that he loves speaking of things that he actually loves, trump introduced a very special guest. Also, a woman that not too many people know. Very powerful, very smart. Very beautiful even though im not allowed to say that, because shes my daughter ivanka. audience reacts stephen wow. Thats weird. He says hes not allowed to say it, and he knows why hes not allowed to say it because of all the other creepy ways he has said it. But then he says it anyway. Hed be terrible in a horror movie. as trump okay, im not allowed to say candyman five times in a mirror, but. Candyman, candyman, candyman, candyman oh, hi, candyman. Looking good. Or thrsome . Beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice. Come on, the three come on. Come on take the hook off your hand, because weve got to. cheers and applause fine family joke. You know, sometimes you feel like donald trump is corrupting all of the Democratic Institutions that we hold dear. Well, ive got some good news for you youre not crazy to feel that way. And the latest example is the case of trump crony and man voted best dressed at nuremburg, roger stone. Last year audience reacts jon whoa, whoa, whoa. Stephen a lot of stone fans here tonight. Last year, stone was convicted of seven felonies, including lying under oath, forging documents, engaging in a relentless and elaborate campaign to silence a witness by threatening bodily harm. And, by the looks of him, im going to say, attempting to turn gotham citys water supply into marmalade. laughter these these are all serious crimes. Stone faced a maximum penalty of 50 years in prison. But, prosecutors asked for a sentence of just seven to nine years. We have a computer projection of what roger stone will look like in nine years. There you go. laughter and applause but, these prosecutors, even that lighter sentence didnt sit well with stones old pal donald trump, who tweeted, this is a horrible and very unfair situation. Real crimes were on the other side, as nothing happens to them. Cannot allow this miscarriage of justice audience reacts trump sbe of shhy all stone needs to get out is to roll doubles. laughter okay . Or pay 50 bucks. cheers and applause go to free parking. Do not pass go. cheers and applause jon give me some doubles stephen then, by some impossible coincidence how could it be . It was announced that the Justice Department will take the extraordinary step of lowering the recommended prison time for roger stone. audience booing stephen so that was the one i was looking for earlier, by the way. So donald trump and his attorney general are using the Justice Department to go easy on his cronies. The only difference between this and a Banana Republic is that trump does not eat fruit. laughter trump was asked about the stone case today in the white house. But first, he showed off a little project hes been working on. We have four trilliondollar companies. One is microsoft, one is apple, one is google, one is amazon. So you have amazon, google, apple, and microsoft. And so you have an m, you have an a, you have a g, and you have an a. You have maga. Maga applause see, look at that. audience reacts stephen no, no, no, no fair is fair. Hes right. You do get that. And, if you rearrange the letters in the name donald trump, they spell plod turdman. cheers and applause its just as true. Its just as true. I want that on a red hat. Regarding the stone sentencing, trump insisted he didnt make any special requests. Id be able to do it, if i wanted. I have the absolute right to do it. I stay out of things to a degree that people wouldnt believe. Stephen youre right. I wouldnt believe. The only things you stay out of are books, salad bar lines, and shoes that have to be laced up. laughter in response to trumps carriage of misjustice, all four of roger stones prosecutors have resigned. Thats right, they all walked. It must not have been easy for them to find the exit, since bill barr has relocated the d. O. J. Up trumps ass. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Julia louisdreyfus is here. But when we return, meanwhile yes, that meanwhile this is hal. This is hals heart. Its been broken. And put back together. This is also hals heart. And his relief, knowing hes covered by Blue Cross Blue Shield. This is hals heart. And its beating better than ever. This is what medicare from Blue Cross Blue Shield does for hal. And with easy access to quality healthcare, imagine what we can do for you. This is the benefit of blue. Too many afterparties. New neutrogena® bright boost with dullnessfighting neoglucosamine. Boosts cell turnover by 10 times for instantly brighter skin. Bright boost neutrogena®. [ natural drums and [ music begins to build ]] [ drums beat faster ] introducing an unlimited coffee subscription for 8. 99 a month. At panera, your cup is always full. Written for the bold thand the daredevils. Ny what happens here. Only happens here. Tat your door, so you can get more. Feels so good feels so good target run done. [ t its the timeon bof the season when love runs high teacher keep on teaching preacher keep on preaching band playing stephen oh welcome back, everybody jon batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band right there cheers and applause jon come on stephen jon, jon, you know, you know i love all my guests. I love all my guests equally. Theyre like my children. Jon thats right. Family. Stephen but there are some guests who i just love a little bit more than the others. And tonight, i hold in my hands, questions for miss julie louis dreyfus. cheers and applause this is not just a guest. Not just a guest, but a national treasure, a national treasure. They should keep her on ice. And tomorrow, mr. Will ferrell will be here, her costar in the new movie downhill. Jon two in a row stephen back to back. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Ive got to ive got to limber up. You know, folks, i spend a lot spend a lot of time over there, sprinkling the silk sheets with rose petals, chilling a magnum of dom perignon, to create the perfect romantic evening of news that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, folks . I like to run to the rite aid at the last minute, pick through the damaged candy boxes of leftover stories, slap a ribbon on a bottle of cough syrup, and scratch out some of the details on a happy birthday grandpa card, to create the halfassed valentine of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause stephen thats my valentine. Thats my valentine right there. Thats from me to me. Thats it. Nothing makes me happier. Meanwhile. laughter friday is valentines day. And after a bad year and the Company Nearly going bankrupt, the sweethearts conversation hearts are back. However, however they did not have enough time to set up the manufacturing process, and not all of the hearts will have sayings printed on them. Also, they wont be shaped like hearts, they wont be fun colors, and they are now meatballs. laughter happy valentines day. Meanwhile, this video went viral this weekend of cosmo the cougar, the official mascot of the Mormon Brigham Young university. cheers and applause stephen wow look what you can accomplish when youre not wasting your time having premarital sex. laughter meanwhile, elon musks verdict on facebook is its lame and you should delete it, because if theres anyone i trust to tell me whats cool, its elon musk. Yeah that is not lame meanwhile meanwhile, Keith Richards has quit smoking. Well, im glad hes taking care of himself before its too late. laughter cheers and applause moisturize. Youve got to moisturize. Meanwhile, in romance news, the san antonio zoo is holding a fundraiser in which you can name a cockroach after your ex and watch an animal eat it on valentines day for just 5. cheers by the way, that scene is also in the directors cut of marriage story. laughter by the way, naming a cockroach after your ex and watching it get devoured is the perfect way to say, screw you, stacy and also, you clearly made the right choice, stacy. But if a cockroach isnt enough, you can pay 20 more to have them name a rat and feed it to a reptile instead, and the zoo plans to stream the feedings on facebook live. And i think we have a picture of one of the facebook reptiles. Yes. Look at those cold, dead eyes. applause jon oooh stephen meanwhile, sex for unmarried people in virginia might be legal soon. Because until now, it was actually illegal for people in virginia to have consensual sex outside of marriage. Shocking, i know. But its always been right there in their slogan virginia is for overthepants stuff. laughter meanwhile, an ohio minister and podcaster named Dave Daubenmire says he wants to sue the n. F. L. Because the super bowl halftime show made him horny. laughter i hope he means this years half time show, because i would hate to think he was aroused by palywhat gotaubenmire all daubenmired up was the pepsi halftime show featuring shakira and jennifer lopez. Daubenmire took to the internet to vent his very specific problems with it. I saw a lot of crotch shots dare i say that . Crotch shots, from last nights super bowl. Im looking for a lawyer out there, or somebody who would join me in a Class Action Lawsuit against pepsi, the n. F. L. , my local cable company. I dont know who all we would sue. But sue as many people as we want to, for pandering pornography. Jennifer lopez, by the way, is 50 years old. 50 years old. Folks, im going to say this again, really, really slow. Jlo is 50. You go on your porn website, youre not looking for 50year old women. Youre looking for 24yearold women. audience reacts stephen excuse me . Porn enthusiasts dont want to see 50yearold women, sir . Does the term milf mean nothing to you . cheers and applause no no im sorry, im angry but im a little confused how daubenmire thinks hes going to win this lawsuit, so ive invited him here to explain. Please welcome reverend Dave Daubenmire hello, stephen. Hi, there. Hello, stephen. Thanks for having me on your filthy, latenight, sinand jazzmusic revue. Stephen my pleasure, sir. My first question is, can you really sue the super bowl for having sexy dancers . Oh, it wasnt just the dancers. Everything in that halftime show shuddered with pure eroticism the lights, the shape of the football, the pepsi logo. I mean, look at it its a dolphin going to town on itself under a red umbrella its totally obvious. Stephen i dont see it. But sir, why didnt you just change the channel . That wouldnt work, stephen. This filth is everywhere. Youve got those golden girls shaking their bathrobed butts this way and that. Then the commercials start, and youve got that depraved koolaid man, with his full round curves, that rockhard handle, red frothy juice sloshing up and down the sides of the jug. No wall can keep him in stephen okay well, thats all we have time for. I hope your halftime lawsuit goes well. Im also suing jugz magazine i bought a copy, and it only had human women. Where are the humanoid juice men . Stephen you laughter youve disturbed my audience, sir. I know. Stephen you seem very serious about this. Im coming for you, juice man stephen Dave Daubenmire, everyone you too, Stephen Stephen well be right back with julia louisdreyfus. 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Heres what i think youre not