Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

And prone to panic in third. And here comes does this cough mean anything . Does this cough mean anything on the outside track. And whats this . Charging from the back of the pack, maybe this will all just blow over coming on strong. Maybe this will all just blow over challenging for the lead. Oh, maybe this will all just blow over has bucked its rider and is running the other way. And its generalized anxiety by three lengths. Generalized anxiety takes the roses. Though its probably allergic. From all of me at churchill downs, im going to need another mint julep. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, cancel culture governor Chris Christie and musical guest nathaniel with jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen oh, hi. Welcome to my perch up in the breeze. On monday, it was water. Yesterday, it was fire. So today, its the light show with stephen colbair. Im also up here among the trees, because i read on facebook that viruses are afraid of stairs. Theyre like cows or donald trump. We have a new monologue for you tonight. The rest of tonights episode was previously recorded in the beforetimes. The Coronavirus Crisis continues to be everywhere. After trump made a big deal about it not being in West Virginia, last night we found out that West Virginia is the 50th state to report a coronavirus case. So now were all in this together. No red states or blue states just 50 anxious pale states. This is a crisis that we have to face together. By staying as far apart as possible. Local governments all over america are placing restrictions their citizensents. Yesterday, floridas governor announced that beach parties should be limited to groups of 10 people. You know its serious when florida starts enforcing rules. Remember, their state motto is can you huff this . One of the hot zones is new york city, and yesterday, mayor bill de blasio told new yorkers to get ready for the worst. I think the right guidance to give all new yorkers is even though a decision has not been made by the city or by the state, i think new yorkers should be prepared right now for the possibility of a shelterinplace order. Stephsheltern place ans that no onllut esial trips to grocery for stores and pharmacies. I cant be walkin here i cant be walking here. You son of a b up yours. Stephen shortly after that, governor cuomos office responded with this statement any blanket quarantine or shelterinplace policy would require state action, and as the governor has said, there is no consideration of that for any locality at this time. Mayor de blasio, governor cuomo, the nation is in crisis. This is no time for a pissing match. You should be saving your urine in jars, just like the rest of us. Were supposed to do that, right . I read it on facebook. But there are some officials who agree with each other, like california governor gavin newsom, who said yesterday, i dont think the schools are going to open again. And that was confirmed by secretary of education alice cooper in his statement schools out for summer hools o forever no more teachers, no more oh, were back. Despite the coronavirus, yesterday, there were three democratic primaries in arizona, illinois, and florida, and joe biden won all three. Strangely, not that big a story today. Its like the equivalent of two old men playing monopoly while their house burns down. Technically, somebody won, but thats not really what were talking about the next day. It was a good oldfashioned butt kicking. Biden won florida by almost 40 points. He dominated in every major florida demographic seniors, snake owners, meth addicts, senior meth addicts. Snakes. In all, biden has now won 19 of the last 24 state primaries. But since weve all been busy paying attention to more urgent matters, you may have missed all the other things biden has won recently, like the bachelor, the new paltz county fair pieeating contest, best salsa album at the latin grammys, the westminster dog show, and he successfully guessed which station plays the most hits. Kxco, with tbone and mangoat in the morning. Im really worried about mangoat. I read on facebook that theres a mantogoat transmission. Now, theres been a lot of speculation that Bernie Sanders is going to drop out now, and trump weighed in this morning, trying to enrage the bernie bunch the d. N. C. Will have gotten their fondest wish and defeated Bernie Sanders, fat ahead of schedule. Yes, fat ahead of equal. Another mistyping by a man with very far fingers. Hes not the first to make this typing error. I mean, im old enough to remember that the original opening of star wars was a long time ago in a galaxy fat, fat away. Weve all been reading a lot of scary rumors online yesterday but there was one positive one yesterday. First i did not know what that meant, because watching the film itself felt like getting your butthole cut. Turns out, a twitter user posted that he had a close friend who worked on cats, and his entire job was to remove c. G. I. Buttholes that had been inserted a few months before. Which means that somewhere out there, there exists a butthole cut of cats starring james cornhole, dame judi stench, sir ian mcsmellin, and, of course, anus elba. Get well soon, anus. Of course, this story spread like wildfire, and fans started demanding the cats sphincter edition, with the hashtag release the butthole cut. Everyone joined in with this demand celebrities, famous directors, even liam neeson release the butt hole stephen but this demand could apply to any movie. I want the butthole cut of avengers thats the real endgame coronavirus has been the only thing on anyones mind for days now. But some people are just finding out about it, like jared leto, and this is true who only yesterday became aware of coronavirus after returning from a 12day isolated meditation trip. Man, it must suck to return from isolation only to have to find out you have to go back into isolation, especially since letos last entry in his vision journal said, day 12 of isolation. Cant wait to get back and spend time with groups of ten or more people while we kiss on the mouth. But first stop is the store. Im all out of toilet paper im sure there are others out there cut off from the news, and if youre one of those people, let me catch you up on the most important stories of our lifetimes. There might be a butt hole edition of cats. Folks, i spend a lot of time right over there in manhattan, pulling together the biggest stories of the day, broadcast quality cameras, and a professionally lit theater to bring you the monologue that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to selfquarantine, put my ipad on top of a plant stand, sit on my backporch, and deliver the slapdash, webstreaming lo res manifesto of news that is my segment meanwhile meanwhile is going to solve everything. Here we go. Of course, now that were all selfsequestering, all of meanwhile is now my meanwhile subsegment quarantinewhile. An Oregon Police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because theyve run out of toilet paper. Yes, if youre running out of toilet paper, dont dial 911. The number for that is 922. Police suggested that if you do run out of toilet paper and this is true you could use receipt papers, newspapers, or cloth rags. Yes, newspapers. And they said print is dead. Although, i get most of my news online, so i have some terrible news for my ipad. The Police Department even explained that seamen used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water. And when you wind up with salty twine splinters where the sun dont shine, then you call 911. Though ive got to say, theyre overlooking the clearest solution to this toilet paper shortage just have the editors of cats digitally remove your butthole. Quarantinewhile, its important in these dark times to take it easy on ourselves and recognize this is new for everyone, and were all going to make mistakes, like this woman who realized shes been washing her hands with a block of cheese. Hey, dont judge her until youve tried her mac n irish spring. It was an easy mistake. She explained the cheese had been left out on the counter and had dried out, adding, i am housesitting and high as hell. Do not let this woman babysit. as if stoned hey welcome home the cheese is asleep, the kids are on crackers, and i ate all your soap. I am high as hell quarantinewhile, Brooklyn Nets player kevin durant has tested positive for the coronavirus, and now at least seven n. B. A. Players are known to have tested positive. I gotta say, thats a suspicious announcement to make. As one reporter tweeted, dear Brooklyn Nets, how did an entire Basketball Team of asymptomatic people get tests in new york, a place where testing is in such short supply . Thats actually the c. D. S. s fault. They actually put all the coronavirus tests on a very high shelf. Meanwhile, the sex industry is being affected by the pandemic. Many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and suffering financially in the process. Unfortunately, people arent flocking to the nocontact adult films like debbie does distancing, and deep swab. One adult dancer in a highend strip club said, if youre in a private room and someone is carrying coronavirus, you will invariably get sick. I guess you could try to dance strategically, but maybe you can get it if someone coughs on your butthole. No matter what you do for a living, i think we all just want to go back to a time when you didnt have to worry every time every time someone coughed on your butthole. Thats why anus elba had his removed. Removed. Quarantinewhile, actor, governor, and robot assassin from the future, Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a video to twitter of his selfisolation with a donkey and a mini horse. We dont go out. We dont go to restaurants or anything like that anymore here. We just eat with whiskey and with lulu. We have a good time. Stephen wait, he was taking them to restaurants before . as arnold table for three, please. Do you have a horse menu . No . Do you have hay . No . Then they will just have the Chicken Nuggets and i will laugh because theyre animals eating animals. And that was meanwhile. Theres a lot more show coming up but me and the staff are going on a previously scheduled break for a week or so. Im sure all of you out there are going through other things you didnt plan to do. But if theres one good they think might come out of this crisis, its that in this seemingly divided nation people are doing their best to protect the countrys collective wellbeing. Everywhere you look people are looking after each other, regardless of what that neighbors politics are democrats republican, socialist. It doesnt matter right now. We can still disagree about many things but this crisis has driven home literally home the truth that this is one great nation united by our belief in and our need for each other and reinforced my belief that the American People, like all people, are essentially good and also want to know how to do the right thing. And i for one want to thank you all for tuning in during these last few very strange episodes, which themselves feel like a natural extension of these last few very strange years. You may not know this but i rely on you so much. If youve ever come to a live taping of my show, every night i thank the audience for being there and let them know how important they are. I always say, obviously, we do the show for you, but the secret is we always do the show with you. And that will never change. Whatever comes after this, whatever is next, well be back soon to go through all of it with you. Thanks. And stick around. Theres more show. And right now, id like to hand it over to my friend jon batiste. Jon. Baked pie. Pork chop. Soda pop. Scallop. Kebobs. Soursop. Hot pot. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. Onion ring. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Music rocket fuel by dj sh ladies and gentlemen oul get ready, yall get ready ready set jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go keep it steady steady, to the letter, right . Turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, whatd i miss . Ready, set steady, bet you clean dishes as you cook, to save time and stay ahead of the mess. But scrubbing still takes time. Now theres new dawn powerwash dish spray. The faster, easier way to clean as you go. It cleans grease five times faster. On easy messes, just spray, wipe, and rinse. On tough messes, the sprayactivated suds cut through grease on contact, without water. Just wipe, and rinse. Get dishes done faster. New dawn powerwash dish spray. Spray. Wipe. Rinse. Johnson johnson but were also a companytha, fights cancer, repairs shattered bones, relieves depression, restores heart rhythms, helps you back from strokes, and keeps you healthy your whole life. From the day youre born we never stop taking care of you. But buick and gmcs commitment to you, remains the same. Onstar crisis assist services. Should you need a vehicle, were offering zero percent financing for up to 84 months with deferred Payment Options for 120 days. Plus, you may have the option to shop online and take delivery at home. Visit our websites for the help you need. Buick and gmc. Were here to help. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause stephen oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Jon, in just a few minutes, governor Chris Christie is going to be out here to talk about a debate give us his republican perspective, or whatever he is. Folks, before the break, i was talking about the big democratic debate tonight, but in lighter news, were all going to die. You see laughter today, Top Health Officials issued dire warnings about the coronavirus, or covid19, as the kids call it. You viddin. In a phone conference with reporters, one c. D. C. Official said, we are asking the American People to prepare for the expectation that this might be bad. Whoa. Dial down the technical language, man. laughter thats like your doctor saying, weve got your results of your test back, and you are totally. Frowny face. laughter well, xs for eyes, too. Way to calm downtown American People, doctor. It reminds me of the immortal words of f. D. R. the only thing we have to fear is polo it got me and now its coming for you run for your lives while you still can im contagious laughter stephen up until now, the coronavirus has mostly been restricted to china and people who have traveled to china. But now the c. D. C. Officials believe the virus is head here, telling reporters, its not so much of a question of if this will happen in this country anymore, but a question of when this will happen. But im sure theres nothing to worry about, right, jon . Jon were all gonna be fine, stephen. laughter applause i think were gonna be good. I think were gonna be real good. Stephen you look good. Jon yeah applause stephen the c. D. C. Official explained how families could get ready for the outbreak, suggesting, you should ask your childrens schools about plans for School Dismissals or school closures. Ask about plans for teleschool. Yes, teleschool. Or as we called it back in my day, a Grilled Cheese and the priet priceis right. laughter not feeling good today, mom. Not feeling good. I think i better teleschool today, mom. laughter fear of the coronavirus is already ravaging wall street. On monday the dow tumbled more than 1,000 points, which was its third worst point drop in history, effectively erasing all gains for 2020. This is horrible economic news. Also, can i erase all my gains from 2020 in one day . Because ive been doing a lot of stress baking. laughter then just today, the dow closed down by almost 900 points good lord if it goes any lower, ill have to find out what a dow is. laughter is a dow a dollar . I dont know what a dow is. One man doesnt seem too worried, donald trump. During mondays 1,000point plummet he tweeted, the coronavirus is very much under control in the u. S. A. We are in contact with everyone, and all relevant countries. C. D. C. And world health have been working hard and very smart. Stock market starting to look very good to me. laughter do not hire donald trump as your paramedic. This patient looks very good to me. Well, at least his torso. Ill get back to you if we ever find his limbs. Also, im hearing some awesome things about this Harvey Weinstein guy getting a lot of free publicity lately. Anyway, all aboard the hindenburg. Looking nice and toasty up there, guys cheers and applause see. Theres a reason trump is trying to downplay the coronavirus fears. If the c. D. C. Is right about this outbreak, it might be trumps fault. Because in 2018, the Trump Administration fired the governments entire Pandemic Response chain of command. Trump did not replace them. So currently, our Pandemic Response team is ivanka and a bottle of airborne. She she looks good. She looks good with the lab coat. Its very flattering. The outbreak has already affected plans for this summers olympics. Tokyo olympic organizers have until late may to see if the virus is under control. If not, experts say, youre probably looking at a cancellation. Audience oh stephen that is i feel terrible for those olympians. They spent their whole lives preparing to bone each other in the olympic village. laughter now, now at best, theyll have to telebone. laughter applause jon whoa stephen also goes nice with a Grilled Cheese. Are you happy . You happy . Happy little boy over there . The somber announcement was made by i. O. C. Official, dick pound. laughter which which i understand is also one of the siefngs of coronavirus. Well be right back with Chris Christie. applause weve done it hah great work old chap. Well be rich anfamo weve done it hah well ill be ric youll bmous. Leangur dis hesting . E ade haeasy te tools that help you get started. You like playing with tools dont you . Dont get mad. Start investing with e trade. We do it every night. Every night. I live alone, but i still do it every night. Right after dinner. Definitely after meatloaf. Like clockwork. Do it run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. A load with as few as 8 dishes, is all it takes to save water. An Stephen Colbert<\/a>. Tonight, cancel culture governor Chris Christie<\/a> and musical guest nathaniel with jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert<\/a> stephen oh, hi. Welcome to my perch up in the breeze. On monday, it was water. Yesterday, it was fire. So today, its the light show with stephen colbair. Im also up here among the trees, because i read on facebook that viruses are afraid of stairs. Theyre like cows or donald trump. We have a new monologue for you tonight. The rest of tonights episode was previously recorded in the beforetimes. The Coronavirus Crisis<\/a> continues to be everywhere. After trump made a big deal about it not being in West Virginia<\/a>, last night we found out that West Virginia<\/a> is the 50th state to report a coronavirus case. So now were all in this together. No red states or blue states just 50 anxious pale states. This is a crisis that we have to face together. By staying as far apart as possible. Local governments all over america are placing restrictions their citizensents. Yesterday, floridas governor announced that beach parties should be limited to groups of 10 people. You know its serious when florida starts enforcing rules. Remember, their state motto is can you huff this . One of the hot zones is new york city, and yesterday, mayor bill de blasio told new yorkers to get ready for the worst. I think the right guidance to give all new yorkers is even though a decision has not been made by the city or by the state, i think new yorkers should be prepared right now for the possibility of a shelterinplace order. Stephsheltern place ans that no onllut esial trips to grocery for stores and pharmacies. I cant be walkin here i cant be walking here. You son of a b up yours. Stephen shortly after that, governor cuomos office responded with this statement any blanket quarantine or shelterinplace policy would require state action, and as the governor has said, there is no consideration of that for any locality at this time. Mayor de blasio, governor cuomo, the nation is in crisis. This is no time for a pissing match. You should be saving your urine in jars, just like the rest of us. Were supposed to do that, right . I read it on facebook. But there are some officials who agree with each other, like california governor gavin newsom, who said yesterday, i dont think the schools are going to open again. And that was confirmed by secretary of education alice cooper in his statement schools out for summer hools o forever no more teachers, no more oh, were back. Despite the coronavirus, yesterday, there were three democratic primaries in arizona, illinois, and florida, and joe biden won all three. Strangely, not that big a story today. Its like the equivalent of two old men playing monopoly while their house burns down. Technically, somebody won, but thats not really what were talking about the next day. It was a good oldfashioned butt kicking. Biden won florida by almost 40 points. He dominated in every major florida demographic seniors, snake owners, meth addicts, senior meth addicts. Snakes. In all, biden has now won 19 of the last 24 state primaries. But since weve all been busy paying attention to more urgent matters, you may have missed all the other things biden has won recently, like the bachelor, the new paltz county fair pieeating contest, best salsa album at the latin grammys, the westminster dog show, and he successfully guessed which station plays the most hits. Kxco, with tbone and mangoat in the morning. Im really worried about mangoat. I read on facebook that theres a mantogoat transmission. Now, theres been a lot of speculation that Bernie Sanders<\/a> is going to drop out now, and trump weighed in this morning, trying to enrage the bernie bunch the d. N. C. Will have gotten their fondest wish and defeated Bernie Sanders<\/a>, fat ahead of schedule. Yes, fat ahead of equal. Another mistyping by a man with very far fingers. Hes not the first to make this typing error. I mean, im old enough to remember that the original opening of star wars was a long time ago in a galaxy fat, fat away. Weve all been reading a lot of scary rumors online yesterday but there was one positive one yesterday. First i did not know what that meant, because watching the film itself felt like getting your butthole cut. Turns out, a twitter user posted that he had a close friend who worked on cats, and his entire job was to remove c. G. I. Buttholes that had been inserted a few months before. Which means that somewhere out there, there exists a butthole cut of cats starring james cornhole, dame judi stench, sir ian mcsmellin, and, of course, anus elba. Get well soon, anus. Of course, this story spread like wildfire, and fans started demanding the cats sphincter edition, with the hashtag release the butthole cut. Everyone joined in with this demand celebrities, famous directors, even liam neeson release the butt hole stephen but this demand could apply to any movie. I want the butthole cut of avengers thats the real endgame coronavirus has been the only thing on anyones mind for days now. But some people are just finding out about it, like jared leto, and this is true who only yesterday became aware of coronavirus after returning from a 12day isolated meditation trip. Man, it must suck to return from isolation only to have to find out you have to go back into isolation, especially since letos last entry in his vision journal said, day 12 of isolation. Cant wait to get back and spend time with groups of ten or more people while we kiss on the mouth. But first stop is the store. Im all out of toilet paper im sure there are others out there cut off from the news, and if youre one of those people, let me catch you up on the most important stories of our lifetimes. There might be a butt hole edition of cats. Folks, i spend a lot of time right over there in manhattan, pulling together the biggest stories of the day, broadcast quality cameras, and a professionally lit theater to bring you the monologue that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to selfquarantine, put my ipad on top of a plant stand, sit on my backporch, and deliver the slapdash, webstreaming lo res manifesto of news that is my segment meanwhile meanwhile is going to solve everything. Here we go. Of course, now that were all selfsequestering, all of meanwhile is now my meanwhile subsegment quarantinewhile. An Oregon Police<\/a> department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because theyve run out of toilet paper. Yes, if youre running out of toilet paper, dont dial 911. The number for that is 922. Police suggested that if you do run out of toilet paper and this is true you could use receipt papers, newspapers, or cloth rags. Yes, newspapers. And they said print is dead. Although, i get most of my news online, so i have some terrible news for my ipad. The Police Department<\/a> even explained that seamen used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water. And when you wind up with salty twine splinters where the sun dont shine, then you call 911. Though ive got to say, theyre overlooking the clearest solution to this toilet paper shortage just have the editors of cats digitally remove your butthole. Quarantinewhile, its important in these dark times to take it easy on ourselves and recognize this is new for everyone, and were all going to make mistakes, like this woman who realized shes been washing her hands with a block of cheese. Hey, dont judge her until youve tried her mac n irish spring. It was an easy mistake. She explained the cheese had been left out on the counter and had dried out, adding, i am housesitting and high as hell. Do not let this woman babysit. as if stoned hey welcome home the cheese is asleep, the kids are on crackers, and i ate all your soap. I am high as hell quarantinewhile, Brooklyn Nets<\/a> player kevin durant has tested positive for the coronavirus, and now at least seven n. B. A. Players are known to have tested positive. I gotta say, thats a suspicious announcement to make. As one reporter tweeted, dear Brooklyn Nets<\/a>, how did an entire Basketball Team<\/a> of asymptomatic people get tests in new york, a place where testing is in such short supply . Thats actually the c. D. S. s fault. They actually put all the coronavirus tests on a very high shelf. Meanwhile, the sex industry is being affected by the pandemic. Many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and suffering financially in the process. Unfortunately, people arent flocking to the nocontact adult films like debbie does distancing, and deep swab. One adult dancer in a highend strip club said, if youre in a private room and someone is carrying coronavirus, you will invariably get sick. I guess you could try to dance strategically, but maybe you can get it if someone coughs on your butthole. No matter what you do for a living, i think we all just want to go back to a time when you didnt have to worry every time every time someone coughed on your butthole. Thats why anus elba had his removed. Removed. Quarantinewhile, actor, governor, and robot assassin from the future, Arnold Schwarzenegger<\/a> posted a video to twitter of his selfisolation with a donkey and a mini horse. We dont go out. We dont go to restaurants or anything like that anymore here. We just eat with whiskey and with lulu. We have a good time. Stephen wait, he was taking them to restaurants before . as arnold table for three, please. Do you have a horse menu . No . Do you have hay . No . Then they will just have the Chicken Nuggets<\/a> and i will laugh because theyre animals eating animals. And that was meanwhile. Theres a lot more show coming up but me and the staff are going on a previously scheduled break for a week or so. Im sure all of you out there are going through other things you didnt plan to do. But if theres one good they think might come out of this crisis, its that in this seemingly divided nation people are doing their best to protect the countrys collective wellbeing. Everywhere you look people are looking after each other, regardless of what that neighbors politics are democrats republican, socialist. It doesnt matter right now. We can still disagree about many things but this crisis has driven home literally home the truth that this is one great nation united by our belief in and our need for each other and reinforced my belief that the American People<\/a>, like all people, are essentially good and also want to know how to do the right thing. And i for one want to thank you all for tuning in during these last few very strange episodes, which themselves feel like a natural extension of these last few very strange years. You may not know this but i rely on you so much. If youve ever come to a live taping of my show, every night i thank the audience for being there and let them know how important they are. I always say, obviously, we do the show for you, but the secret is we always do the show with you. And that will never change. Whatever comes after this, whatever is next, well be back soon to go through all of it with you. Thanks. And stick around. Theres more show. And right now, id like to hand it over to my friend jon batiste. Jon. Baked pie. Pork chop. Soda pop. Scallop. Kebobs. Soursop. Hot pot. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. Onion ring. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Music rocket fuel by dj sh ladies and gentlemen oul get ready, yall get ready ready set jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go keep it steady steady, to the letter, right . Turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, whatd i miss . Ready, set steady, bet you clean dishes as you cook, to save time and stay ahead of the mess. But scrubbing still takes time. Now theres new dawn powerwash dish spray. The faster, easier way to clean as you go. It cleans grease five times faster. On easy messes, just spray, wipe, and rinse. On tough messes, the sprayactivated suds cut through grease on contact, without water. Just wipe, and rinse. Get dishes done faster. New dawn powerwash dish spray. Spray. Wipe. Rinse. Johnson johnson but were also a companytha, fights cancer, repairs shattered bones, relieves depression, restores heart rhythms, helps you back from strokes, and keeps you healthy your whole life. From the day youre born we never stop taking care of you. But buick and gmcs commitment to you, remains the same. Onstar crisis assist services. Should you need a vehicle, were offering zero percent financing for up to 84 months with deferred Payment Options<\/a> for 120 days. Plus, you may have the option to shop online and take delivery at home. Visit our websites for the help you need. Buick and gmc. Were here to help. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause stephen oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Jon, in just a few minutes, governor Chris Christie<\/a> is going to be out here to talk about a debate give us his republican perspective, or whatever he is. Folks, before the break, i was talking about the big democratic debate tonight, but in lighter news, were all going to die. You see laughter today, Top Health Officials<\/a> issued dire warnings about the coronavirus, or covid19, as the kids call it. You viddin. In a phone conference with reporters, one c. D. C. Official said, we are asking the American People<\/a> to prepare for the expectation that this might be bad. Whoa. Dial down the technical language, man. laughter thats like your doctor saying, weve got your results of your test back, and you are totally. Frowny face. laughter well, xs for eyes, too. Way to calm downtown American People<\/a>, doctor. It reminds me of the immortal words of f. D. R. the only thing we have to fear is polo it got me and now its coming for you run for your lives while you still can im contagious laughter stephen up until now, the coronavirus has mostly been restricted to china and people who have traveled to china. But now the c. D. C. Officials believe the virus is head here, telling reporters, its not so much of a question of if this will happen in this country anymore, but a question of when this will happen. But im sure theres nothing to worry about, right, jon . Jon were all gonna be fine, stephen. laughter applause i think were gonna be good. I think were gonna be real good. Stephen you look good. Jon yeah applause stephen the c. D. C. Official explained how families could get ready for the outbreak, suggesting, you should ask your childrens schools about plans for School Dismissals<\/a> or school closures. Ask about plans for teleschool. Yes, teleschool. Or as we called it back in my day, a Grilled Cheese<\/a> and the priet priceis right. laughter not feeling good today, mom. Not feeling good. I think i better teleschool today, mom. laughter fear of the coronavirus is already ravaging wall street. On monday the dow tumbled more than 1,000 points, which was its third worst point drop in history, effectively erasing all gains for 2020. This is horrible economic news. Also, can i erase all my gains from 2020 in one day . Because ive been doing a lot of stress baking. laughter then just today, the dow closed down by almost 900 points good lord if it goes any lower, ill have to find out what a dow is. laughter is a dow a dollar . I dont know what a dow is. One man doesnt seem too worried, donald trump. During mondays 1,000point plummet he tweeted, the coronavirus is very much under control in the u. S. A. We are in contact with everyone, and all relevant countries. C. D. C. And world health have been working hard and very smart. Stock market starting to look very good to me. laughter do not hire donald trump as your paramedic. This patient looks very good to me. Well, at least his torso. Ill get back to you if we ever find his limbs. Also, im hearing some awesome things about this Harvey Weinstein<\/a> guy getting a lot of free publicity lately. Anyway, all aboard the hindenburg. Looking nice and toasty up there, guys cheers and applause see. Theres a reason trump is trying to downplay the coronavirus fears. If the c. D. C. Is right about this outbreak, it might be trumps fault. Because in 2018, the Trump Administration<\/a> fired the governments entire Pandemic Response<\/a> chain of command. Trump did not replace them. So currently, our Pandemic Response<\/a> team is ivanka and a bottle of airborne. She she looks good. She looks good with the lab coat. Its very flattering. The outbreak has already affected plans for this summers olympics. Tokyo olympic organizers have until late may to see if the virus is under control. If not, experts say, youre probably looking at a cancellation. Audience oh stephen that is i feel terrible for those olympians. They spent their whole lives preparing to bone each other in the olympic village. laughter now, now at best, theyll have to telebone. laughter applause jon whoa stephen also goes nice with a Grilled Cheese<\/a>. Are you happy . You happy . Happy little boy over there . The somber announcement was made by i. O. C. Official, dick pound. laughter which which i understand is also one of the siefngs of coronavirus. Well be right back with Chris Christie<\/a>. applause weve done it hah great work old chap. Well be rich anfamo weve done it hah well ill be ric youll bmous. Leangur dis hesting . E ade haeasy te tools that help you get started. You like playing with tools dont you . Dont get mad. Start investing with e trade. We do it every night. Every night. I live alone, but i still do it every night. Right after dinner. Definitely after meatloaf. Like clockwork. Do it run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. A load with as few as 8 dishes, is all it takes to save water. An Energy Star Certified<\/a> dishwasher uses less than four gallons per cycle. While handwashing uses that, every two minutes. So, do it. Run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. The surprising way to save water. Stay strong, stay with me these free sandwiches wont deliver themselves to the left. Yes, nice work. To the right. Enjoy. Enjoy. Sign up for jimmy johns freaky fast rewards\u00ae and earn a free sandwich after your first order. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody, to our live show following the democratic debate in charleston, south carolina. Folks, my first guest tonight has been governor of new jersey and a republican president ial candidate. Please welcome back to the late show, governor Chris Christie<\/a>. applause oh, christie oh, Christie Stephen<\/a> governor, thanks for being back here. Happy to be back. Stephen youre one of the few republicans who will come on the show. Thank you so much for being here. They have no guts. Stephen they have no guts. No guts stephen do they have no guts, or are you really not a republican anymore . No, im a republican. Stephen do you do everything trump says without question . No. Stephen because if you dont, then youre not a republican. Then maybe im not a republican. All the other republicans have no guts. This is fun stephen it is fun, isnt it . Why wouldnt you come here and have fun . Look at all these people cheers and applause stephen can i get you cocktail . Yeah. Stephen what have we got here . Some of them. On what other programs do you drink on Live Television<\/a> . Stephen there you go. Got some more of this George Clooney<\/a> liberal tequila for you. Look at that, baby. Stephen okay if i drink this, i might be Bernie Sanders<\/a> by the time were doe. Stephen to democracy. Freedom. Freedom. Stephen yes. applause i didnt know we were doing it like that. Okay, so, you were here for the first democratic debate. Yes. Stephen back in june or july or Something Like<\/a> that . July, i think it was. Stephen lets twist again like we did last summer. You got it. Stephen this is the tenth debate. Are you giving me honest answers tonight . Mostly. laughter stephen okay, good. But when im going to lie, ill tell you. Stephen good. What did you hear tonight over the shouting . You know, one of my favorite moments was when joe biden told been killed by gun violence since Bernie Sanders<\/a> voted against the brady bill. Im like, there are 300 Million People<\/a> in the country. How did i miss that . Half the country was killed. I mean, joe biden is like its like his head is like a file cabinet drawer, but there are no file folders. laughter its just all this paper, and he goes, how about this and he pulls stuff out, and he starts saying stuff like you cant even believe. The only thing worse than that tonight was bloombergs jokes. Like stephen he does not have a great joke writer. I gotta say that. Joke writer . Listen, this guy the great thing about debates is it really lets people know who are you. Stephen so who was bloomberg, in your opinion . Thats who he is stephen he was mayor while you were governor, right . You bet your ass he was. Stephen i get a sense that, perhaps, hes not your favorite mayor of new york city ever. Well, let me just put it this way. Today, he celebrated the fact that he got David Dinkins<\/a> endorsement. Really, youre going to get excited about that . Stephen they dont know who youre talking about. Im telling you. Goes tayor of de blasio look new jerseya brid tunnel crowd . Let me tell you what he said to me one time. He said to me, you excited about being governor . And i said, yeah. And he said, there are only two elected jobs in america worth a crap mayor of new york and president of the United States<\/a>. But good for you. Audience oh stephen wow. Hes a charmer. Stephen so so none of this is personal for you, im glad to know. No, no. Stephen a totally objective response from you. Here it is. Here it is. I know someone who is not going to be likable when i see them, and hes not likable. And to win for president , in this democratic primary, you gotta have some of these voters fall in love with you. Stephen okay. And i dont know who is falling in love with a guy en nobodmerica we naked cowboy he is talking about. Stephen lets talk about bernie tonight. Hes the frontrunner. You want to talk about bernie . imitating Bernie Stephen<\/a> you want to do that. The knives were out for bern and hidd caso. S. Ealthc a human rig nk. Stephen did anyone make a dent in bernie tonight . No. Stephen really . No. Really, the beauty applause stephen all right, wait, right now, are you working for the russians . Im on retainer. Stephen okay, sure. But its a small one, so im not working that hard. Stephen i understand, sure. Bernie the great thing about bernie is that they were basically calling him a castroloving commie tonight, and he was like, okay, all right, i am. Now, lets talk about medicare for all. You know, like, he doesnt care. He hasnt cared for 30 years. Stephen why do you think that the people why do you think that he has got while not the majority of the support in the Democratic Party<\/a> right now, hes got the plurality, to use a 20cent word. Because hes one of the onlyn talks about ideas. No, she doesnt. Stephen she talks about all the same ideas bernie does. She used to talk about all the same ideas and backed off of it, and now the people who are progressives dont trust her. She is in no mans land. Stephen i disagree. Her tonight i mean, seriously, she should have got put in the penalty box tonight. Stephen why, what did she do . She ran over on every answer, ran right through the stop sign. Stephen if youre going to be the president of the United States<\/a>, youre not going to let Norah Odonnell<\/a> stop you from talking. cheers and applause well, well stephen love you, norah. Love you but if you want to be president , you cant listen to a tv person. That means everybody on the stage, except for joe biden, could be president of the United States<\/a>, because Nora Odonnell<\/a> didnt stop anybody tonight. Stephen look, anybody could be president of the United States<\/a>, because look at the schmuck we have now. cheers and applause piano riff thats a nice could do you that again . Thats a nice piano riff. I that. piano riff stephen all hes got are good piano riffs. He has great piano riffs. I remember, i ran against him. Lets continue to remember that. Stephen you ran against trump. Yeah. Stephen whats it like to debate him . Buttigieg is like, do we really want to see bernie versus trump . Yes ratings gold stephen maybe so. I dont care about that so much sure you do. Stephen i dont do you not care about the ratings here . Stephen i love my country more than i love my ratings. How about that . cheers and applause i want a good president of the United States<\/a>. Okay . Thats a politician. This is an american. An american, yeah. When they watch the show, thats what everybody is thinking to Stephen Colbert<\/a>, american hero. Stephen exactly right. cheers and applause okay, so if youre if youre audience Stephen Stephen<\/a> Stephen Stephen<\/a> were live. We have to keep going. Thank you very much. Leave it on my voice mail. Oh, my god stephen so whats it like to debate donald trump . You cant get a word in edgewise. I mean, the way all seven of them were talking tonight is the way donald talked during the debate. He just kept going and talking and just got louder and louder. Stephen now, you guys really had donnyrooks four years ago. That was not some sort of debating society up there. You were going after each other hard. You ate marco rubio and spit out his tiny bones. Yes, i did. laughter stephen you like that, too. Some might say that makes me an american hero, but who knows . I would tell you, though, that what this was was like a schoolyard fight. Like, everybody swinging haymakers at each other. Stephen a little thirsty. Theyre all desperate. They all looked desperate. Stephen except bernie. Except bernie. Stephen the guy in the front isnt desperate. Except bernie. You saw when they went after bloomberg last week, he, like, went into the Witness Protection Program<\/a> after the debate. Stephen they actually had to get a binding u. N. Resolution to pull the troops out get them off of bloomberg, fo gods sake. They need you know what he needed, mark brelin, the guy who threw the towel in in the fight over the weekend. Bloomberg needed that last week. Throw the towel in. Hes cut, hes bleeding. Bernie today, nothing, though. They keep yelling at him, and he doesnt care. The hands Start Playing<\/a> and let me tell you one thing. You know, it doesnt matter. Thats why i think that he will be a very interesting opponent to trump, because trump will yell at him and bernie wont care. He might not even hear him. Who knows . laughter stephen you are a fan of the president s. Yes. Stephen okay, so you cant possibly give me an honest answer. Ill try. Stephen do you think bernie can beat him . I think anybody can lose or win an election, anybody. Stephen there are no rules anymore, right . There are no rules anymore. Anybody can win or lose an election. Stephen so the msnbc people freaking out about bernie right now are being a little premature. They should freak out. Typically, socialists dont do well in america. Its not like hes the guy stephen socialist policies do pretty well in america. You cant call them socialist. Social security, medicare, those are socialist policies. Weve got to take a break because i got the applause. Great, thank you. Stephen well be right back with more governor Chris Christie<\/a>. You can answer then. We got you. We got you. [sfx bullwhip cracks] make your move cowboy. Old town road by lil nas xs i got the horses in the back horse tack is attached hat is matte black, got the boots thats black to match im gonna take my horse to the old town road, im gonna ride til i cant no more doritos\u00ae cool ranch just got cooler. I aint dancin. Doritos\u00ae cool ranch just got cooler. Step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, a new prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. 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Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Step up. Prep up. With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com gotcha. Youre going down. Introducing the allnew sonata with remote Smart Parking<\/a> assist. Have a good day. And hyundai digital key. A better way to stay one step ahead. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, were back here with Chris Christie<\/a>, and our live late show following the democratic debate in charleston, south carolina, and we are live. We are live. Stephen we are live. Lets do it live. Lets talk law and order for a second here. Youre a lawandorder guy . I was u. S. Attorney for seven years. Stephen okay, good. Donald trump still calls the russia tampering a hoax. Is that a dangerous thing for the president of the United States<\/a> to be saying about his election . Its dangerous because hes wrong about it. Stephen thats duh i mean applause stephen yes, hes wrong about it. I believe listen, i believe the 17 different intelligence agencies that say that it actually happened. Stephen now, why do you think he calls it a hoax . Well, because i think hes very sensitive about the fact stephen and it hurts his feelings . Well i think he let me finish now. Come on. Hes sensitive about the fact that he thinks that makes his election less valid. Stephen it does. And he wants to push back against that. In my opinion, thats why he does it. Stephen but do you think its a dangerous thing . I dont think its dangerous. I dont think anybody takes that seriously. Stephen why wouldnt they take it seriously . Because he has called himself the top Law Enforcement<\/a> official chief. Steph the chief Law Enforcement<\/a> official in the United States<\/a>. I understood that was the attorney general. Thats a slight mistake there. Stephen yes, a slight constitutional mistake . Hes the chief executive officer of the country. Stephen right, exactly. The chief Law Enforcement<\/a> official of the country is the attorney general of the United States<\/a>. Stephen now, as somebody who worked at the d. O. J. I did. Stephen what do you make of the president s characterization of the Justice Department<\/a>, and calling into question the validity of the prosecution of roger stone . Well, roger stones guilty. But stephen as the day is long. The president is now questioning whether that was a valid trial. I think there are i think there are people, like in the Justice Department<\/a>, like anyplace else, that are good folks, and there are some bad folks. But i will tell you that the predominant people that i worked with in the Justice Department<\/a> were good people trying to do their job the best way they could. And, you know, what i think everybody has to remember here is that this is not the department of prosecution. Its the department of justice. And were supposed to make sure justice gets done. And i used to tell every prosecutor who worked for me, i dont care about whether we do the prosecution or not. We only do things if we make sure justice happens. And i think weve all lost sight of that. Weve seen the president wants certain people to be gone after. There are people inside the Justice Department<\/a> who we know wanted to go after the president and some of his people. All of this stuff is losing what were supposed to be, which is the Justice Department<\/a> is supposed to be the place where everybody can count on to make sure the right thing is done. Not the political thing, the right thing. And thats what its always got to be about. When we lose that, we lose an underpinning of our country. We just do. applause stephen all right. What are you doing what are you doing for a living these days . Because youre no longer in politics. Im not, no. Well, im on abc, doing commentary on sundays. Stephen its a different network. It is a different network, abc, sunday, here in new york at 10 00. Stephen yes, yes, sure. Its a live show. Im really sticking it to you. Stephen oka. Im doing that. Im on some corporate boards of directors and doing some consulting. Stephen would you make a better attorney general than william barr . Sure. laughter stephen is there anyone i can compare you to in any job that you wouldnt say, id be better than him . Sure. Stephen would you be a better president than donald trump . I answered this one for you . Stephen i just want to remind the people. I ran against him. If i didnt think i could be better, i had no business running against him. Stephen he beat you. Doesnt that prove he is a more forceful leader than you are . Didnt he cow you . Isnt he the top dog . Isnt he the alpha male now . Youre going to make me cry. Stephen i hope so. You know something i couldnt be a better pitcher for the mets. If you ask me that i couldnt be. In politics, if i dont have confidence in myself, i dont have any right to ask anybody about their votes. Stephen what would you do about the trump tweets if you were the attorney general. Barr says i cant do my job properly with these tweets. The president gets to say whatever he wants to say. You should just do your job. Stephen ignore the president. Stop complaining. Stephen ignore donald trump . Stop complaining and do your job. Stephen there it is. Ignore the president. Chris christie. Governor, thank you so much for being here. Stephen, thank you, always fun. Stephen governor Chris Christie<\/a>, everybody. Well be right back with a Live Performance<\/a> by nathaniel rateliff. Stick around. A debate. I have a back rash. Alright. Whoa, mara. I laugh like this. [ laughs obnoxiously ] its just not my scene. I couldnt help but over do you like insurance . I love insurance. Did you know you can save money bundling home and auto with progressive, and renters can bundle, too . I know, right . [ laughs ] [ singing continues ] whyd you stop . I was listening. [ microphone feedback ] whyd you stop . I was listening. How do you gaveeno\u00ae happy 24 7 . With prebiotic oat. It hydrates and softens skin. So it looks like this. And you feel like this. Aveeno\u00ae daily moisturizer get skin healthy\u2122 thmore importantng than the shows and the neon. And there is something bigger than our hotels and our bravado. That something is you and your safety. That is everything. That is the only thing. We know its tough to travel right now or to even be around others. We just want you to know that when youre ready, well be ready and better than ever. Because there is no bigger star in this town. Than you. Only you. howling wind howling wind my skin hurt, i felt gross. But then i started cosentyx and i havent really had to think about it. Real people with psoriasis. Look and feel better with cosentyx. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen. Or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Ask your dermatologist about cosentyx. Hey allergy muddlers. Achoo do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. Zyrtec starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Zyrtec. Muddle no more. And try zyrtecd for proven relief of your allergies, sinus pressure, and congestion. Stephen and now, performing time stands from his new album, and its still alright, ladies and gentlemen, nathaniel rateliff. cheers and applause for a moment i could wait to see it fall apart every empty bed in every city ive been i sit and contemplate all the moments you said time stands in a duel and i stand for you whats that you used to say find a love that you can wait for or do you feast upon the weak and weary of heart i can take the pain but i cant take all the hatred laziness of mind and simplest of thoughts are you just too old or too young to carry time stands in a duel and i stand for you now youre pouring out your hate at every difference you found you wont even listen to reason at all not questioning your faith far be it from me but you would speak of love while tying ones hands are you just too old or too young to carry time stands in a duel and i stand for you are you just too old or too young to carry time stands in a duel and i stand for you now lean and use your weight thats what a shoulders made for carry all the dead and children from here curses on the men and the greed that seems to plague them i cant raise my hand so im raising my voice are you just too old or too young to carry time stands in a duel and i stand for you are you just too old or too young to carry time stands in a duel and i stand for you time stands in a duel and i stand for you time stands in a duel and i stand for you cheers and applause Stephen Nathaniel<\/a> rateliff, live everybody well be right back. Shouldnt you pay less when you use less data . Now you can. Because Xfinity Mobile<\/a> gives you more flexible data. You can choose to share data between lines, mix with unlimited, or switch it up at any time. All on the most reliable wireless network. Which means you can save money without compromising on coverage. Get more flexible data, the most reliable network, and more savings. Plus, get 300 off when you buy a new Samsung Galaxy<\/a> s20 ultra. Thats simple. Easy. Awesome. Call, click or visit a store today. Now stick around for james corden good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show. Ladies and gentlemen. 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