Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 13, 2024

Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert laughter tonight america is closed. Plus stephen welcomes dr. Sanjay gupta. Featuring jon batiste and stay stephen you can stop now. Human. laughter piano riff one of the things that had to freak out wall street was and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york trumps body language. He had a rakish flair that can city, its Stephen Colbert only be described as stark terror. It wasnt so much deer in the headlights, as deer in the oval office. Aaahhh cheers and applause theme song playing stephen whoo whoo aaahhh whoo aaahhh whoo whoohoo aaahhh whoo oh, snap. No, dont follow me whoo aaahhh laughter whoo stephen ive had a little oh, my god too much of this stuff over here. Whoo oh, my goodness because it was a trump speech, oh, i should not be this tired hey, everybody words not do good. Fostce, he gee tripped up here. Thank you please, sit down i am confident that by laughter counting. And continuing to jon, good to see you. Jon yes take these tough measures stephen not very reassuring from a distance. Stephen joe, happy thursday. When the guy telling us to stay welcome to the late show. Calm about a respiratory virus loses his breath in the middle of a twosyllable word. as trump im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause jon huhoh, huhoh. piano riff im your presi. Dent. Stephen as you may have noticed, none of you are here right now. Only people in the audience give a shot of this only people in theaudience are some trumps oncamera remarks were a members of my staff. Hi, guys. Disaster, and his off camera cheering im going to sit down over here. Remarks a moment before the okay. Speech. Here is trumpo camera right before the speech unaware the piano riff how are you, jon . Jon im good. Camera was rolling. Stephen good. Yeah, me, too. Do you like the book being on the desk or not . Or would you rather have it jon how are you . Not be . Have it there, just in case. Maybe it looks better. Gives you something up here. Right . Does it matter . Stephen way to have the stephen im good. Oh, im very excited to be doing right priorities. This is like that famous a show tonight. Jon i actually dont know how i am. Churchill speech we shall fight them on the stephen what do you mean beaches. You dont know who you are . We shall fight them on the landing ground. Jon well, you know, the virus, i dont have symptoms. Stephen exactly. Do you like my hair slicked back jon which is the reason we maybe it loohed dont have an audience. Stephen because we dont know whats going on. Forward. Does it matter . Either way, im a smoke show there are two things to keep in mind you dont want to be part laughter of the hysteria. Jon hmm. Jon right. Stephen but you also want to stephen but the fun didnt stop there, because after he act with an abundance of finished, the cameras kept caution, over here. Rolling. Okay. Jon thats right. Stephen we dont know on this side of it. We kind of know how much hysteria we could produce if we wanted to. Jon right. laughter jon wow. Stephen over here, we dont know if this is a feather or a brick. Jon right. Stephen yeah. Wow, indeed. Stephen over here, around jon thats where were at. Stephen thats where the world, this seems to be a brick, so we went with brick. There you go. piano riff were at. Thats exactly right. Hows the show going so far . laughter that is not what you want to hear at the end of an important jon its moving. Its moving. Speech. Stephen let me explain and thats why i know theyre whats going on. Going to have a long, happy life all the new york city latenight together. To karen and jon shows were planning to go without audiences starting monday. We announced that last night, actually. Okaaaaaay. And that changed because, just a laughter few hours ago, we got somerisiee i give it a year, tops going without an audience starting tonight. piano riff this is absolutely true. Were just kind of winging it. This is rehearsal right now, uh, weve got to take a break, which might be a good thing, because in my mind, all of my but stick around. Jokes are perfect. When we come back, more of whatever this is. The only person that ever disagrees with me is the audience. Right . cheers and applause band playing cant disagree with me now, can you . laughter ha look, i just got a laugh laughter ive done a show without an audience before. Back before the late show started, we did a secret show in a small Michigan Town called monroe, michigan. There was so much scrutiny on our first show that we decided to get out of town and get the show out of the way by taking great parenting needs great allies. Over a Public Access program called only in monroe. Im sure you all saw it. New ziploc grip n seal. Its the reason you are watching easier to grip and open for the worlds greatest parents. Tonight, obviously. It was sort of gorilla sc johnson marketing. Notice i didnt say viral marketing. Because we will never be using that phrase again. Can match the power of energizer. Jon yeah. laughter stephen heres something because energizer ultimate lithium is the most breaking news for me is when i learned that, because of the coronavirus, all of broadway the longest lasting aa battery in the world. Was shutting down tonight. [confetti cannon popping] thats another reason why we energizer. Dont have an audience. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Frankly, its a little sad, because the broadway shows had already been working on new keeping our customers, employees, and communities safe. Precautions to keep the audience safe. Heres footage from last nights rehearsal of westside story. During these Uncertain Times we want you to get the Great Service you expect without leaving the safety of your home. Sprint. Com makes shopping easier by offering free next day shipping and no activation fees on our best new phone deals, like the amazing iphone 11 for just 15 a month when you switch. O for now sprint. Com is the best way to learn about i need some purell our plans, buy new phones and get the services you need. laughter stay healthy and go to sprint. Com today. Jon oh, man. Stephen right now, im for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com imagining your laughter. Jon yeah. Stephen last night, we mens style events. Learned that the n. B. A. Has save 4050 on. Suspended its season until haggar. Van heusen. Further notice, so apt. 9. Congratulations to the new york dockers and more. Knicks. Its the best thing to happen plus take an extra 10 off your to them all year mens style event purchase . piano riff plus take an extra 15 off . laughter plus get kohls cash get the look kohls. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. laughter jon get a sip in charmin ultra soft is softer than ever, stephen you know what i wathed today . So its harder to resist. Jon whats that . Stephen i watched steve allen, you know, the guy who okay, this is getting a little weird started all this. Enjoy the go with charmin. Jon yes, yes. Hashtag vacay. Sonoma . I want wine with lunch. Its 11am, cindy. Stephen steve allen started the original tonight show at the hudson theater down the street. After that, there was the steve allen show. Thanks, captain obvious. Bicaly everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. He was playing piano while jack kerouak read selections from on the road. Thats what these shows used to be. Neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repair®. Jon wow. Weve got the retinol that gives you results in one week. Stephen and can be again laughter thanks to coronavirus. Not just any retinol. Accelerated retinol sa. applause well, if all that news wasnt one week is all it takes. Unsettling enough, last night, neutrogena®. We also learned that tom hanks has the coronavirus. Hey coronavirus okay, yeah you can shut down italy, you can shut down south korea, you can destroy our economy, but keep your filthy nucleocapsid proteins off tom hanks the man is an american treasure this is like learning the liberty bell has herpes laughter it ends now it ends now laughter im being told it is not ending now. I have to keep doing the show okay, moving on. E. Jon forrest, come on, forrest. Stephen i think this is going pretty well. laughter do you guys think its going pretty well . cheers and applause jon yeah, yeah, i think so stephen now, i want you to forget cheering thats enough. piano riff i want you to forget the fact that i pay all those people. laughter now, even though tom hanks and his wife, rita wilson, both tested positive, they say they have mild symptoms and are doing fine. Hanks posted with poise, i might add, as hanx, always does, about how theyre handling the problem. Well, now, what to do next. We hanks will be tested and isolated as long as Public Safety requires. Not much more to it than a onedayatatime approach, no . Take care of yourselves. Hanx. Positive message, but a bummer of a sequel to catch me if you can. Jon wow. Wow. Stephen im guessing we would put a graphic up there that would say catch me if you can, at some point. In a real show, we would do that. This is rehearsal. Stephen this is rehearsal. But im thinking this is actually what we actually show people. Sure. Jon huhoh. Stephen theyre going to be really surprised when i walk out of the building in half an hour. laughter piano riff oh, sure, stephen, well tape the rehearsal. See ya, suckers jon wash that hand wash that hand hold on. Hold on. Stephen what am i thinking . What am i thinking . Jon got to be ready and stay vigilant. Stephen last night, donald trump preempted all programming to address a worried nation and remind them hes the thing they band playing band playing should really worry about. We will be suspending all stephen everybody, welcome travel from europe to the united back jon batiste and stay human, states for the next 30 days. Everybody give it up for the band right these prohibitions will not only apply to the tremendous amount there nedepartme ofcargo, but various so the speech was a disaster a disaster but today, trump got a doover Homeland Security official put in a televised meeting with it, the virus is here in the u. S. Irish leader leo varadkar the focus needs to be on taking action here, treating people and testing people. This seems to be pointless. Varadkar . The virus is already here. Its like in a horror movie, somebody hearing the killer is already inside the house and responding with, oh, no, i not the over varadkar better go lock all the doors. Irish leader varad car. Then ill just leave this axe on the bathroom sink as i take a shower. Bow before varadkar. La, la, la honey, is that you . Ill tell you all about it in come on in tonights episode of chair chat trump started by explaining that loo, loo im all soapy due to viral concerns, he and varadkar didnt shake hands. Loo, loo well, we didnt shake hands ive got my eyes closed, so i today, and we looked at each other, we said, what are we going to do . You know, sort of a weird cant read the script feeling. Is it over . Is the bit over . I think we went like this. Bits over. When wall street heard all trade at the same time we did this. Was being suspended, they freaked out. You know, i just got back from india, and i didnt shake any hands there, and it was very easy, because they go like this, and japan goes like this. They were ahead of the curve. Started to one hour later. Stephen its strange. Bowing like that in india or gaaah i dont know much about finance, japan is the respectful thing to but i do know the rule line go down, pants go brown. Do, but somehow when trump does okay . E. F. Hutton said that would listen. It, it seems like a hate crime. Ask your grandparents about that reference. Trump continued to insist he could never have seen this when e. F. Hutton talks, people listen. Could never have seen this thing thats right. I believe they are ashcan at this point. That everybody saw coming, so an hour after his speech, trump leapt on twitter to correct himself. Coming. What we did in europe, this was the time. China, a lot of it came from when you when you think of please remember, very important for all countries and what happened to europe, because it was very fast and very businesses to know that trade furious. Stephen as trump will in no way be affected by it was fast and furious. The 30day restriction on travel some might even say too fast, too furious. From europe. It started in asia but then, of the restriction stops people, course, we all saw the tokyo not goods. Drift. Do we know the fate to have the furious . Do we know that yet . as trump please remember, very important the fate of the furious . No, but we do know, as vin diesel says, its all about for all countries and businesses family. To know, nothing i say is true. Pay no attention to the man behind the bronzer. laughter hobbs and shaw. laughter laug piano riff s feny bter about never seen one of those movies. Trumps performance, because i should see all of them. I want to see all of those movies. Jon mmhmm. This morniri inaudible offstage stephen what . I want to see all of those movies, because i think to truly understand this country that i love, i need to see the most successful decology ever made. Because there have been 10 of them right . Ors this one the tenth. Nine will be the tenth . Because eight was actually the ninth because hobbs and shaw is cannon . Dont fight, just give me an answer. Is hobbs and shaw cannon . Yes. Stephen so thats the ninth. So the eighth is the ninth. The ninth is the tenth. But heres what im saying and dont give me a shot of chris. Give me a shot of chris right now. Damn it bob, can you move . Youre in the shot. Youre a cameraman how do you know that doesnt help jon aaahhh piano riff stephen i am telling you, what is happening right now is the future of this Television Show you think im not leaving in half an hour, youre crazy i think this is actually going im rather enjoying this right now. Are you having a good time . Yes. Stephen okay. Have you had any of this . laughter because i have, and ive got to tell you, i feel like a child again. piano riff making mud pies. Man, anythings possible. Jon yeah, thats right. 38 minutes. Stephen 38 minutes . Weve almost got a full show right here. Tom yeah stephen what do you think . Anything here . Can you use any of this . I can use some of it, sure stephen weve got 38 minutes not 38 minutes worth. Stephen no, how much do we need . Of the 38 minutes that ive talked so far, how much do we need . 14. laughter applause stephen weve got 14 minutes come on, theres 14 minutes in here how much are we burning now . This has to be a full minute of me asking you this. Its going to be cut. Its going to be cut. laughter piano riff stephen tom purcel and chris licht, everybody cheers and applause piano riff whoo whoo its a good thing trump seems so unworried about coronavirus, because a senior brazilian Government Official who visited maralago days ago and was in close proximity to donald trump and mike pence has tested positive for coronavirus. The white house says trump and pence had almost no interactions with the Brazilian Press secretary who tested positive for coronavirus after his maralago visit and do not require being tested at this time. Theres a big difference between almost no intersections and interactions. What do you mean, shes pregnant . I had almost no sex with her laughter well be right back with dr. Sanjay gupta band playing because i can. laughs make good choices. You make good choices. I am. Fiber is good for digestive health. Good choices never tasted so good. 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