The articles turn to stone, and democracy crumbles into the sea. Maybe next crime. That sucks. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight signed, sealed, impeached plus, stephen welcomes andrew yang. Abby mcenany. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape at the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo hey how are ya . I like it i like it cheers and applause band playing nice thank you very much so kind, yeah. Were good. Were good. Thank you very much. Welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, all around the world to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is cheers and applause an historic day in anmerica, because today, the house of representatives formally sent articles of impeachment to the senate to begin the trial of donald j. Trump. cheers and applause ive got all the details for you in tonights don and the giant impeach. They got me, they got me laughter stephen i like that little guy. This evening, nancy pelosi officially signed the articles of impeachment. And she celebrated by signing with pen after pen after pen after pen. Okay, that one ran out of ink. That one, too . Okay, lets try the next one. Good thing she planned ahead. So important. Once the articles were signed, the houses impeachment managers had to perform their First Official duty, a ceremonial handoff between chambers, as house impeachment managers physically carry the articles across the rotunda in a high profile procession. Yes. They must initiate. The transfer of the articles. ominous music first, each member of Congress Steps forward to seal the text with a single drop of blood. Then, the sacred runes are drawn from beneath Jerrold Nadlers jowls, and lo, a snowwhite ram is brought forth to pluck the maidenhead of adam schiff. Then, they wait a while for the elevator. A lot of foot traffic that time of day. Finally, unto the Senate Chamber the sacred articles are delivered. But only once the chosen seven preeuclidian demonic avatar mccthulu all praise mccthulu gibbering speaking in tongues oh, hello. cheers and applause i was swept up. I was in a trance. I was in a trance, yall. Actually, heres what it really looked like. They walked it across to the senate. After the historic march, the house clerk announced they were ready to present the articles tomorrow, forcing Mitch Mcconnell to read this uncomfortable phrase articles of impeachment against donald john trump. Stephen oooooh daddy like laughter but, you read it too fast. Say it again, only slower. Articles of impeachment against donald john trump. The impeachment of donald. John trump. The articles of impeachment against donald. John. Trump. cheers and applause stephen oooh, yeah. They got it up there. So thats it. The die is cast. Rubicon crossed. Toothpaste, detubed. Impeachment has officially moved to the senate. But trump is still hoping to avoid a trial. He wants a vote to dismiss the charges immediately, citing his favorite source, many. Many believe that by the senate giving credence to a trial based on no evidence, no crime, read the transcripts, no pressure impeachment hoax, rather than an outright dismissal, it gives the partisan democrat witch hunt credibility that it otherwise does not have. I agree laughter as trump great analysis, fictional people i made up for this tweet. Thanks, mr. President. Youre very handsome. Really . Like handsomehandsome or exy handsome . We should kiss. What, now . In front of all these fictional people . You bet your sweet lil tush. kissing wow, youre a really good kisser. Lets do that again. kissing moneys on the dresser. Jon whoa, whoa, whoa stephen its all in the family. laughter but, turns out, mcconnell doesnt have enough votes to dismiss, so the trial is on like johnson, nixon, and clinton. laughter cheers and applause jon he got balls. Stephen one person that the senate might want to hear from is Rudy Giuliani associate and the inspiration behind the beloved soviet toy, comrade turnipface, lev parnas. Yesterday, the House Intelligence Committee released materials that they got from parnas that have been described as a trove of ridiculously incriminating impeachment evidence. Thats pretty bad. Because when it comes to trump crime, the scale goes incriminating. Very incriminating. Ridiculously incriminating, and rudy on merlot. Yeah. Yeah. Dididididi. Didididi, yeah. cheers and applause piano riff the most damning evidence is a series of handwritten notes by parnas on stationery from the Ritzcarlton Hotel in vienna that said things like, get zelensky to announce that the biden case will be investigated. You dont write the crime down, you dummy laughter it didnt help that the next note was leave paper trail of impeachable offenses, and steal ritzcarlton stationery. laughter another actual note is a crime todo list one put together package. Two go to d. C. With package. laughter another two do my magic and cut deal. Hold on. He calls committing crimes doing my magic . Believe me, when i do my magic, people disappear. Abracadaver tadead in the final note, in big, bold letters at the bottom of the page, parnas writes what is perhaps the most incriminating word of all rudy. laughter you have to write it down because if you say his name three times, he appears on fox news and incriminates you in a crime. laughter cheers and applause there are also i was up late, what do you want . There are also texts, like this one in which parnas complains that a corrupt ukrainian officials visa to visit the u. S. Was denied, and giuliani responds, i can revive it. laughter i believe rudy can bring things back from the dead. He always looks like hes screaming, its alive laughter now, giuliani said he took it al the way to the top, texting, its going to work. I have number one on it. By number one, i assume he means president donald trump, who is in some deep number two. laughter because the materials also include a letter from giuliani to ukranian president zelensky requesting a meeting in his capacity as personal counsel to President Trump, and with trumps knowledge and consent. audience reacts yes, two words not generally associated with President Trump knowledge and consent. cheers and applause piano riff so there you go. There you go. Jon whoa, two. Number two. Yeah. Stephen so trump knew and approved of what giuliani was doing. Parnas also implicates a whole host of colorful corruptionful criminals. Like former ukrainian top prosecutor and chernobyl character whos about to leave his friend in the reactor, yuri lutsenko. Lutsenko was in touch with parnas because he wanted to get rid of u. S. Ambassador to ukraine marie yovanovitch, because she had been critical of his office. In exchange, he was offering parnas damaging information related to former Vice President joe biden. How much of the ukrainian economy is just buying and selling dirt on joe biden . Does the kyiv airport stock it at the dutyfree . laughter applause now, over text messages, lutsenko pressured parnas to get rid of yovanovich. He wrote that he had testimony about transfers to b not sure what that means. Maybe burisma, maybe biden but lamented that here you cant even get rid of one female fool meaning yovanovich adding frowny face emoticon. If that wasnt clear enough, he also sent this animoji dispose of the woman. Stephen clearly, parnas had a job to do get rid of marie yovanovich. So this goon subcontracted an undergoon. Enter republican congressional candidate and ten pounds of man in a fivepound suit, robert f. Hyde. Evidently, dr. Jekyll was unavailable. Now, to get hyde all riled up about this, parnas sent hyde tweets from conservative media personalities disparaging yovanovitch. In response, hyde texted, cant believe trumo hasnt fired this bitch. Ill get right in that. Okay, please, spellcheck your hateful, misogynist threats. You sound dumber than trumo. laughter cheers and applause now, 13 hours later, hyde started giving parnas updates that made it sound like he had people stalking yovanovich in ukraine she had visitors. Its confirmed we have a person inside. Shes talked to three people. Her phone is off. Computer is off. Yes, its the political sequel to you. Ew. laughter then, things got even more sinister. Hyde texted, the guys over they asked me what i would like them to do and whats in it for them. They are willing to help if we you would like a price. And guess you can do anything in the ukraine with money. What i was told. To which parnas replied l. O. L. laughter yes, l. O. L. , which im guessing did not stand for lets obey laws. So. cheers and applause piano riff so it looks like this guy robert hyde was threatening a u. S. Ambassador to please Rudy Giulianis buddy lev parnas. But come on, this guy was an associate of an associate of a lawyer representing the president. Theres no way to tie him directly to trump. Other than this photo. And this photo. And this fun selfie. And here he is with don jr. , and eric, and mike pence, trump adviser roger stone, and one with House Minority leader Kevin Mccarthy. And, because, hey, why not . Here he is with the mypillow guy. cheers and applause there you go. There he is. piano riff while he was being impeached, trump signed a mild reduction in his trade war with china. The deal was a little thin on specifics, but trump filled an hour, mostly shouting out people in the audience. Where is jared . Where is jared . Wheres hank . Hank greenberg . David, where are you, david . Wheres david . David . Wheres david . Mike kelly. Where is mike . Where is Kevin Mccarthy . Wheres john . Wheres john . Wheres chuck . Where is larry . Wheres wilbur . Wheres jerry . Wheres tom . Wheres kevin . Where is mike rounds . Wheres nelson . Nelson is around here some place. Where are you, ken . Where the hell is he . Where the hell is ken . By the way, do i see john thune in this audience . Stephen as trump waldo . Wheres waldo . cheers and applause where is where is where is where applause piano riff marco . Marco . No . Polo . Marco . Polo . Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego . Where is bueller . Bueller . laughter he kept going, naming everybody in the room. It was almost like there were impeachment stuff happening at the same time that he was trying to distract from. Which is something trump seemed to remember when he pointed out a lawyer in the crowd. Stephen vaughn, king and spalding. Stephen, king and spaulding. I could use some good legal advice. Do you have some good lawyers over there . I could use some good lawyers, right . Aw, the hell with it. I just have to suffer through it the way i have all my life. audience reacts stephen wait a minute. What have you suffered through your whole life . as trump poor me, i got so much money from my father that i cant fit it all in my wallet, which makes it hard to take off my pants when im cheating on my wife with a porn star. Oh, well, to live is to suffer. So says the buddha, that fat bleep . Weve got a great show for you tonight andrew yang is here. But when we come back, meanwhile why not . cheers and applause band playing when new smartphones are expensive, the family has to share one. Step up with boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones when you switch or dont and prepare to lose some furniture. Ooo. Got it step up with boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month or dont and remodel the living room switch to boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month with unlimited data, and 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones, all on our super reliable, super fast network. Step up with boost mobile. All on our super reliable, super fast network. Yeah, that needs mmm. Thats better. Hvr seasoning. You either love it or you really love it. No matter how much you clean, does your house still smell stuffy . Thats because your home is filled with soft surfaces that trap odors and release them back into the room. So try febreze fabric refresher. Febreze finds odors trapped in fabrics and cleans them away as it dries. Use febreze every time you tidy up, to keep your whole house smelling fresh air clean. Fabric refresher even works for clothes you want to wear another day. Make febreze part of your clean routine for full home freshness. La la la la la hello, i saw you move in, and i wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood with some homemade biscuits oh, thats so nice and a little tip, geico could help you save on homeowners insurance. Hmm cookies uhh, biscuits. Mmmm, is there a little nutmeg in there . Oh its my mums secret recipe. You can tell me. Its a secret. Is it cinnamon . Its my mums secret recipe. Call geico and see how easy saving on homeowners and condo insurance can be. Ill come back for the plate. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause jon, im looking forward to our guests tonight. We have andrew yang is here tonight. Jon yang, yang cheers and applause stephen everybody in the studio audience gets a thousand dollars, right . Jon we dont give a damn, right . Stephen thats the theory. I havent confirmed but thats the theory. Also, please stick around for my second guest, a wonderful performer named abby mcenany, who has got a great show over on showtime right now called work in progress. Its a really beautiful show, really funny, and i didnt know this till today, but turns out we knew each other back in the day in chicago, and i was really happy to find that out. So stick around, its old home week here. applause you know, folks, i spend a lot of time right over there, using the raw material of the days biggest stories to carefully plan, design, and build for you the fivestar luxury hotel that is my monologue. laughter but sometimes i like to load up my truck with some rusty corrugated tin, old loading dock palettes, and a sack of mismatched nails, and then head into the woods behind the autozone to build a ramshackle loner cabin, and use my own blood to scrawl the unhinged news manifesto that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile will always be with us. It will always. It is eternal, youthful applause meanwhile, the rock and roll hall of fame has announced its 2020 inductee class. Depeche mode, the doobie brothers, whitney houston, nine inch nails, the notorious b. I. G. And trex. cheers and applause congratulations to all the inductees especially trex. Its really hard to play most instruments especially with those tiny arms. Meanwhile, a 17yearold High School Student discovered a rare new planet three days into his nasa internship. So if you thought colleges were going to be impressed by your secondchair bassoon, think again, brian. Step up. This is such a big deal, the teen even got to appear on strahan, sara and keke. We want to make sure you continue to make these discoveries because it does give us a better understanding of how everything works, so weve got a gift card here for you for a brand new telescope. cheers and applause thank you. Stephen thats a really nice gesture, but i mean, he discovered a planet at nasa. laughter i think hes all set for telescopes right now. Its like presenting the winner of the Tour De France with a tricycle. laughter meanwhile, jeopardy just crowned its greatest of all time after ken jennings beat out highest singlegame earnings record holder James Holzhauer and highest alltime earnings holder brad rutter in the fourth match of jeopardy greatest of all time, last night. An amazing feat. Though they went too far in allowing jennings to drink from the skulls of his defeated rivals. laughter meanwhile, in reptile promiscuity news, this playboy tortoise had so much sex, he saved his entire species. cheers and applause yeah, get it gives new meaning to the phrase coming out of your shell. laughter when the tortoise started, there were just two males and 12 females of his species alive on the island. But he had so much sex, he helped boost the population to over 2,000. cheers and applause and now he is retiring as a stud and is being returned to the wild. To which the tortoise said no, wait, i can stay you know, for science this next story is part of our longrunning space segment, moooooon newwwwwwws laughter moonwhile, a billionaire is searching for a girlfriend to take to the moon. She would accompany japanese billionaire yusaku maezawa, who would be the first private passenger to take spacexs big falcon rocket on a trip around the moon. This guy is really raising the bar impossibly high for other boyfriends. Hes whisking his lady off to the moon. Meanwhile, jordan wont even take his girlfriend to the good ruby tuesday. laughter take her to the one thats not attached to the mall, jordan if you have to enter through the h m, its not a date laughter now, i know this moon date seems a little weird, but so does maezawas reason for doing it. Im 44 now. As feelings of loneliness and emptiness slowly begin to surge upon me, theres one thing that i think about. The endless void. The restless nothing. Anyway, you seen any good movies . laughter meanwhile, the 2020 olympics are almost here, and tokyo 2020 has styled itself as the most ecofriendly games ever. Which explains the elimination this year of the synchronized tire fire. laughter organizers will award medals made out of recycled phones, and athletes will use beds made of cardboard frames. But theyve been assured the cardboard beds wont collapse during sex, as long as they stick to just two people in the bed. laughter what . Come on cheers and applause please these are olympians you cant limit them to one partner do you really think they spent years hardening their bodies into elite machines then travel halfway around the world for some tender missionary . No they want to bone the entire Bulgarian Volleyball Team for petes sake, your logo is five holes and your motto is faster, higher, stronger thats basically instructions so you get back in there, you throw tarps down on all the floors, come up with a safe word and print it in every language so those heroes can make their countries proud well be right back with andrew yang. I need a nap cheers and applause band playing more than ever, your home is your sanctuary. Thats why lincoln offers complimentary pickup and delivery servicing. Well pick up your vehicle and leave you with a lincoln loaner. Thats the power of sanctuary. Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal me