Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert dems the break week 2020. Candidates gone but not forgotten, except the ones weve forgotten. Tonight, all hail breaks loose. And stephen makes a new lord of the rings trilogy. Plus stephen welcomes senator Kamala Harris, and musical guest, Lady Antebellum. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello happy thursday. Please have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much. Welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is cheers and applause and you can feel the excitement. Everybody is so excited about day five of the live impeachment hearings. Yeah. The witnesses have been compelling. E ated wt the whistleblower said, but the people on the tv say the whole thing has one problem the issue keeps on being kind of complicated for people to follow. Has this gotten too confusing for the American People . There are too many names, and too many of you tell me youre too confused. I know that sometimes its not easy to follow all these all the names in this particular saga. Stephen are you seriously claiming that its not easy for americans to follow sagas with a lot of characters . Have you heard of game of thrones . laughter for petes sake cheers and applause it was pretty popular ill tell you, these hearings are a lot like game of thrones. The g. O. P. Is full of white walkers. laughter Lindsey Graham has clearly had his balls cut off, and at least one character has indicated he wants to sleep with a family member. Jon oh, my goodness what . Stephen thats why jon why . Stephen thats why jon why . Stephen im not naming names. Jon what . cheers and applause stephen that joke was based on a true story. laughter thats why, for one night only, were rechristening our coverage of the impeachment hearings game of phones a song of lies and liars. bird caw stephen now, despite what the old brain trust there claim, this is a very simple story. Trump released the transcript of his perfect phone call back in september, in which the president of ukraine said he wants more military aid. Then trump immediately replied, i would like you to do us a favor, though, and then asked zelensky to investigate clintons server and joe biden. Not rocket surgery. But to help everyone remember, weve written this catchy jingle. Severybody cheers and applause displ stephen now nicely d. Jon nice jingle. Stephen by lenin laughter now, todays testimony was also easy for you to understand and hard for trump to swallow. First up diplomatic aide and 1960s Sears Roebuck mannequin, david holmes. Holmes was stationed in ukraine, and leading up to the swearing in of the new ukrainian president , he said there was a slight problem. At one point, during a preliminary meeting of the inaugural delegation, someone wondered aloud why mr. Giuliani was so active in the meeting, with respect to ukraine. My recollection was that ambassador sondland stated, dammit, rudy. Every time rudy gets involved, he goes and fs everything up. laughter jon oh, wow. En applause piano riff jon fsmoing to say means y funs things up. He is one dumb motherfunner. laughter Holmes Holmes is best known for overhearing trumps phone call with Gordon Sondland in a ukrainian restaurant, but trump says thats impossible. I have been watching people making phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have i been watching a person make a call, which was not on speakerphone, and been able to hear or understand a conversation. laughter really . Really . cheers and applause really . Maybe because youve been watching phone calls. laughter try listening to them. as trump no matter how wide i opened my eyes, i couldnt hear a thing. I might need glasses. laughter the other witness today was former white house advisor and role thats going to finally win Laurie Metcalf an oscar, fiona hill. Dr. Hill grew up in england and reputation for not suffering fools lightly. Once, a boy in her class set one of her pigtails on fire while she was taking a test. She put out the fire with her hands, then finished the test. cheers and applause stephen oh, my gosh she is jon thats fierce stephen that is tough that is tough you dont mess with that. She is tough. She is a terror in pigtails. Forget pippi longstocking, shes pippi asskicking. cheers and applause agah the first butts she booted this morning were republicans who insist on floating bizarre conspiracy theories about the 2016 election. Based on questions and statements i have heard, some of you on this committee appear to believe that russia and its Security Services did not conduct a campaign against our country, and that perhaps, somehow, for some reason, ukraine did. This is a fictional narrative that has been perpetrated and propagated by the russian Security Services themselves. These fictions are harmful, even if they are deployed for purely domestic political purposes. Stephen as dumb republican oh, really . Are you sure . Because this article in russia today says that youre an illuminati lizard person, and i am a very smart handsome man. cheers and applause laughter now, hill hill had a stark warning for americans. The russian governments goal is to weaken our country. Stephen sorry, russia. You already got beat to the punch by legal weed and netflix. laughter hill confirmed previous reports that nobody likes Rudy Giuliani. Ambassador bolton had looked pained, basically indicated with body language that there was nothing much we could do about it. And he then, in the course of that discussion, said that Rudy Giuliani was a hand grenade that was going to blow everyone up. laughter stephen i dont know about hand grenade. Rudy seems more like a molotov cocktail used by russians and full of alcohol. cheers and applause hill explained piano riff these are quality people. These are quality people. Stephen hill explained that she attended a meeting with ambassador bolton, rick perry, and ambassador sondland on july 11, where sondland brought up the conditions for zelensky to get a meeting with trump. After the meeting, bolton was sr ked out that he told hill to go immediately to the n. S. C. Lawyer john eisenberg. You tell eisenberg, ambassador bolton told me, that i am not part of the this whatever drug deal that mulvaney and sondland are cooking up. Stephen yes, sondland and mulvaney were cooking up a drug deal. Its all in the new drama, breaking bald. laughter applause prestige. A prestige drama. Jon doggone. Stephen then dr. Hill told the committee exactly how she felt about Gordon Sondland promoting the president s political agenda in ukraine. It struck me when, yesterday, when you put up on the screen ambassador sondlands emails and who was on the emails, and he said, these are the people that need to know, that he was absolutely right. Because he was being involved in a domestic political errand, and we were being involved in National Security foreign policy. I did say to him, ambassador sondland, gordon, i fear this is all going to blow up. And here we are. Stephen as hill and now that it has, ive prepared a brief statement. in your face, in your face, i was right, so suck it cheers and applause so suck it. laughter cheers and applause clears throat. So suck it, you witless wanker. laughter sorry, i had a little frog in my throughout. I like her a lot. Yesterday, during the impeachment hearings, trump traveled to austin, texas, where he toured an apple manufacturing plant. Oh, that must have been confusing for him. as trump ah, guys, theres a name for an apple plant. Its called a tree. laughter while touring the factory, a reporter asked trump how he felt about Gordon Sondlands testimony what did you make of ambassador sondlands testimony this morning . Well, i think it was fantastic. I think they have to end it now. He said there was no quid pro quo. Stephen no. laughter no, he didnt. Sondland said this was there a quid pro quo . The answer is yes. laughter cheers and applause jon wow. He said yes. It was clearly yes. Yes. Stephen well, you can understand trumps confusion. There are at least 19 women who say he cant hear the difference between yes and no. audience reacts piano riff applause now, after his visit, trump proudly tweeted, today i opened a major apple manufacturing plant in texas. Wow, that would be quite an accomplishment, if that plant hadnt been operating since 2013. Jon oh, man. Stephen no surprise, though, no surprise. Jon thats 44. Thats 44. applause stephen its right up there, its right there in trumps reelection slogan, promises made, promises kept by obama, six years ago. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Senator Kamala Harris is here. But when we come back, new zealand week continues, when Peter Jackson and i premiere my new lord of the rings trilogy. Dont miss this. cheers and applause band playing so im gonna hold on promoting you this quarter. Cool . Drop the taco. Get in the car. Does this sentra feel like a compromise to you . Wait, what. . The handling is good, right . No compromise there. Nope watch this. Umm. Bbrie. Brie brie rear automatic braking. So if this Nissan Sentra isnt gonna compromise, why shld y u rht atta girl. The allnew Nissan Sentra. With more standard safety features than any other car in its class. With more standard safety features too many afterparties. New neutrogena® bright boost with dullnessfighting neoglucosamine. Boosts cell turnover by 10 times for instantly brighter skin. Bright boost neutrogena®. Its a like, a dagger . A worm a tiny sword . Bread. Breadstick . A matchstick a lamppost coin slot no . Uhhh. 10 seconds. A stick a Walking Stick eiffel tower, Mount Kilimanjaro ding time sorry, its a tandem bicycle. What . What . as long as sloths are slow, you can count on geico saving folks money. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause jon hey, yeah stephen jon, we all watched the debate last night and a lot and a rot of people say one of the winners outs there, who did very well, Kamala Harris. Shes our guest tonight. E. En fifs o but untill f, i een sharing with you my incredible trip to new zealand. It is such a beautiful and magical country that im not surprised it was used as the locations for middle earth in the lord of the rings and the hobbit trilogies. And as you may know, writer and director Peter Jackson cast me in the hobbit the desolation of smaug. I had the very Important Role of laketown spy. laughter so when i was back in new zealand, i sat down with myreusl the original priceless miniature sets used in lord of the rings. Peter, thanks for having us down to your studio here in wellington. Its fantastic. Stephen as everyone knows, i appeared in the hobbit the desolation of smaug. Yeah, yeah. Stephen now, you have decades of experience directing. How would you describe my sixsecond appearance on screen . Well, it was profound. You took it very seriously. You took it more seriously than i thought you would. Stephen i think i took it more seriously than you did. I think you took it more seriously than any actor in the film. Stephen what was your favorite moment from my performance. When the eye patch fell, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen fell that time . Yeah, yeah. That was that was thats a skill. Stephen thank you. People just say lines, and they can they can walk around. But just to do that with one little flick, thats like thats an actor using their costume in in an emotional way. Stephen their instrument. Uhhuh. Stephen you know, being back here gives me an idea. And hear me out before you say, yes, yes, absolutely yes. What if we spun off my character, laketown spy, into his own series of trilogies . What about this for a back story . My character is actually aragorns slightly hotter twin brother, darrylgorn. I think its kind of believable, because a lot of people go you know, when im walking on the streets in new york, they go, are you Viggo Mortensen . And i go, no, im not. And they go they go, stop messing with me. I go, i promise you, im not Viggo Mortensen. In what ways do i remind you of viggo . As a professional, as a director. Youve directed both of us. I remind well very very little, in fact, whichod. laughter because youre original. Youre youre oneoff, you youre not youre nothing like viggo. Stephen what i want to ask you is, obviously, i i hear direct this movie . Well, look no. Stephen okay. laughter lets put that on hold for a second. Lets put the no aside and put it in a little box called yes,and then close the lid and lock it and leave it right there, okay . So you dont know what the answer is right now. It says like, it says yes on the box. We dont know what the answer is. Could be no. Its rattling around trying to get out. Theres a no inside it, but stephen theres a no inside the yes box, but right now, we cant tell that because weve locked in no, okay. Stephen youre known for your cameos. Well, youre youre the carrot man in bree. In the two towers, you throw a spear out at the urukhai coming up to helms deep. In the return of the king, you got shot with an arrow on one of the black ships, the corsairs of umbar. What if i could offer you a gratuitous cameo . Wow. As we can shoot fast. Stephen great, because we already maji stephen i cannot tell you from whence i came or what my errand may be. Know only this i am called the laketown spy. Mayhap you recognize my visage from the desolation of smaug. laughter nothing . You know who smaug is, right . Dragon. Big guy. Hard to miss. Breathes fire, like dragons do. And he desolated everything. I was in that. It was kind of a big deal. First there was the lord of the rings trilogy. Then, the lord of the rings extended cut. Then, the hobbit trilogy. Then, the hobbit extended cut. And now, after 1,179 minutes, the real saga finally begins. laughter stephen legends hold that aragorn had an evenmoreruggedly handsome identical twin. And who might that be . laughter guys . Come on, its me i am. laughter darrylgorn. From the mind of the creator of the lord of the ringss biggest fan. Ph he says thats not a tree. Thats an ent. And i said, no wonder all this syrup tastes so funny. Come on i was sexually pleasuring a tree. Oh, a text for me oh, no biggie. Just a message from my bestie, gandalf, asking me to save middle earth. Again. An epic journey. Hurry stephen hey, guys, i really got a feeling that the adventure is down hill. Oh, yeah, i hear the black riders. Im going to go give them one for gar hon al cen egor na hon dol lyst . Hon thia al be aragorn. Stephen uh, guys, i speak elvish. I know what you guys were saying. Something about aragorn. Pretty sure. The greatest lover. I have made my choice. Stephen but youre engaged to my brother. There is no hope for us. There is still hope. Stephen you must stay with him. And just imagine hes me. Shhhhh. Dont cry. Dont cry, my love. Okay, maybe just a quickie. But dont tell him. laughter ste forge est warrior. Ofime, it is known by its ancient name swordy mcswordface. We held an online contest. It was a big mistake. The greatest wizard. Stephen hold it in your mind, wormtongue. Hold it but do not tell me. Is this your card . The greatest comedian. Stephen so then i said boromir . I hardly know her. weird slow laugh stephen you like that one . Have you heard the one about the guy who milks the ent . laughing the greatest fan. Stephen and i know everybody thinks that sauron defeated aragorn when aragorn looked through the palantir. But heres what actually happened aragorn confronts sauron using the palantir of orthanc, so sauron thinks that aragorn has defeated saruman and taken the palantir for his own as the heir of elendil. But by implication, hes taken the ruling ring, okay . So what does sauron do . He attacks minas tirreth before hes ready, man. He got totally played by aragorn. I mean, aragorns all up in saurons head. Or giant, you know, flaming eyeball. Whatever it is. Anyway, i attack with a longsword. 10 points damage. Your initiative. The film everyone is talking about. A gripping mystery. As to why this was made. Variety. Theres no movie i wont blurb, says peter travers, rolling stone. Cease and desist. J. R. R. Tolkiens estate. laughter a legendary cast, starring Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause stephen hey, frodo, you dropped your ring i dont know what the big deal is. Its not being corrupted by absolute evil. Whoo there it goes oh, yeah, oh i, darrylgorn the great, will create a dominion that will rule for all. Im just kidding. Im just joking with you guys. Im just joking. It doesnt actually work that fast. Whoop yeah, now its kicking in and introducing sir Peter Jackson as his loyal servant, gratuitous of cameo. Let us journey on towards the knowns hogw, where we shall be sorted by the magic hat stephen okay, thats harry potter. Quidditch . Thats middle earth. Stephen no. The grey wizard, dumbledore . Stephen have you never read these books . There are books . Stephen and, reprising his role as gandalf, ian mckellen. Absolutely not stephen and Academy Award nominee Viggo Mortensen makes his triumphant return as aragorn. Aragorn, Academy Award nominee, Viggo Mortensen. Stephen, stop. Stop sending these camera guys after me all over the world. So, youre not doing it . No, i cant do it. I already told you, and if you keep harrassing me im going to have to sic my lawyers on you. Okay. Then, reprising his role as frodo, elijah wood yeah, bleep it, im in. cheers and applause a film 20 years in the making. Concentrate, young padawan. Use the force. Stephen come on, man, that is star wars this shot looks . Stephen colbert presents Peter Jacksons the lord of the rings series, the hobbit the desol