Pray to me from home. What words can i speak that they will heed . Um, try flatten the curve or dont be a jerk. Also, people are going to ask what theyre supposed to do all day while theyre quarantined. How shall i answer them . Tell them they Just Announced a new episode of tiger king. Also, worry not, i will send down a savior. They will ask what is his name . His name is jared kushner. silence gotcha oh, moses, you should have seen your face nit, mk onmaffber a sucker anne also stephen welcomes chance the rapper and musical guest jim james, with a special appearance by lady gaga, featuring jon batiste and sta stay homin. Now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody, and welcome to the late show. Im your shows Stephen Colbert. I hope youre safe and sound. Were enderring week four of sesola or historians cl itcanned bek government officials and Health Experts are warning that this sw yet of ton. I hope you know th and your families are in our thoughts, and if you want them, my prayers. But im guessing thats not why you tuned in tonight. Youre here for the jokes. So lets give that a shot. There is one optimist in this sea of sober reality donald trump. After saying yesterday that this was going to be a tough week, this morning he tweeted, light at the end of the tunnel laughter i hold on. Look who just got here look who ruined my first take laughter its okay. Its okay. There you go. Hi. Trumps just trying to lift the national mood, which is why hes introducing his own line of motivational posters called shoutspirations, featuring hopeful allcaps messages like as trump the glass is halffull its always darkest before the dawn and, every day is a gift despite experts saying we need a national stayathome order, trump has refused to implement one, so social distancing requirements have been left up to the states, and while some state officials are taking it seriously, others are not. Take georgia governor brian kemp, seen here trying to remember his own name. G the pandemic, kemp enraged local leaders by reopening all the states beaches, an order which supersedes those issued on the city or county level. That would be like a teenager deciding not to go to a house party and his dad saying, no, you will go, you will drink too much jagermeister, and you will try to jump over the bonfire to impress the seniors, young man and if there is no vomit on those shoes when you come back there will be hell to pay, young man. Here are my keys some local officials are customizing their requirements. For example, instead of stay six feet apart, one florida county told residents to keep at least one large alligator between you and everyone else at all times. Luckily, everyone in florida is issued an alligator. And, of course, youre going to want to keep six feet away from the alligator. Florida has inspired other states to explain social distancing in ways locals can understand. Government officials in colorado say you should stand about two bongs away from each other. Or one really good bong. If you live in philadelphia, keep a distance of at least one passedout eagles fan. In california, a safe distance between people is about two and a half kevin harts. And citizens of rhode island are being encouraged to stay one rhode island away from each other. Louisianas governor has ordered a statewide shutdown, banning gatherings of ten or more people, but one pastor at a church near baton rouge held pick them up. Remember jesus words, i was naked and you clothed me, i was sick and you put me on a crowded bus . Are you crazy . Im contagious when they got off their plague buses, the pastor told the congregation they had nothing to fear but fear itself. Sorry, pastor, these days fears like third on the list. After coronavirus and running out of toilet paper. One house of worship that is shutting down is the church of the holy sepulchre in jerusalem. Recently, the Church Closed its doors for the First Time Since the black plague. Wow. Tough to be the guy who runs the gift shop. He gets a day off every plague. The holy sepulchre is believed by many christians to be the site of jesus tomb, so closing it right before easter seems particularly harsh. Good luck getting out this time, jesus. Youve been punkd. Even though the church has not been closed in over 600 years the front door does have locks, as you can see here. Fun fact the guy locking one of the holiest sites in christianity is a muslim. See, christians fought among themselves for which denomination should be in charge of the church, so one family of sunni muslims have been entrusted with the keys to the church for more than eight centuries. They just keep it under the doormat. Lets shift from faith to science, where we really should put our faith right now. Scientists are working hard to develop coronavirus treatments. But for now, we should all try to avoid misinformation about unproven cures. And theres one popular source of rumors everyone should ignore. And here he is the f. D. A. Also gave emergency authorization for hydroxy. Chlor chloroquine. Were just hearing really positive stories. What do you have to lose . Ill say it again. What do you have to lose . Take it. I really think they should take it. But its their choice. And its their doctors choice or the doctors in the hospital. But hydroxychloroquine. Try it. If youd like. Stephen yes, try it if you like it. And if youre worried about the effects just remember that donald trump is a doctor. Im not a doctor. Stephen my mistake. Turns out, actual doctors do not suggest taking hydroxychloroquine for covid19 because there is no evidence yet to suggest it protects against the virus. And also, this drug could cause dangerous irregular heartbeats that could be fatal. Still, the pharmaceutical industrys embracing trumps endorsement with this new ad ask your doctor if hydroxychloroquine is right for you. Then, no matter what they say, try it, if youd like. What do you have to lose . Side effects may include losing a lot. Stephen where did trumps obsession with hydroxychloroquine come from . Well, apparently, from former new york city mayor rudy giuliani, seen here halfway through giving himself a haircut. Giuliani has been touting the drug as a possible coronavirus treatment in private conversations with the president. Which explains trumps other coronavirus cure a bottle of chianti at noon. Rudy h oof medal experts advising him a long island Family Doctor with a following in the conservative media, and a former pharmacist who once pleaded guilty to conspiring to extort the actor steven seagal. You know its messed up when former pharmacist isnt the worst part of that sentence. Returning to actual scientists, the c. D. C. Issued new guidance because, after months of advising americans not to wear masks, theyre now advising all americans to wear cloth or fabric Face Coverings, which can be made at home, when entering public spaces to prevent spreading the infection to others. We were supposed to be covering our faces this whole time . Oh, my god, billy porter tried to warn us. whispering im sorry, billy. Given the sudden reversal, this new guidance is a little confusing. But on friday the president used his Daily Briefing to make it even more confusing. In light of these studies, the c. D. C. Is advising the use of nonmedical cloth Face Covering as an additional voluntary Public Health measure. So, its voluntary; you dont have to do it. But this is voluntary. I dont think im going to be doing it. Well, i just dont want to wear one myself. Stephen of course trump is the guy saying he doesnt want to wear protection. as trump masks are like the condom of the face. It kills the feeling. I mean, theres a reason i dont wear a raincoat in the shower or a condom during sex. That jokes based on a true story. The coronavirus situation is also dire in the u. K. So yesterday the queen made a rare, moraleboosting public address. I am speaking to you at what i know is an increasingly challenging time. Stephen its truly generous of her Royal Highness to wear green screen, so that her homebound subjects can dress her in whatever they want. Say, lady gagas meat dress or unlikely animal friendships or, better yet, a scene from the crown. Its truly inspiring to hear from the worlds longest reigning sovereign, especially considering the technical difficulties involved in getting a 93yearold to record herself on an iphone. Maam, hit the little thing. Im speaking to you almost, almost, now its just your hand. There you are maam, now youre muted. We cant hear you im speaking to you at what i know is a much better i believe were all good, your majesty. Oh, wonderful, youve been zoomed by one of the corgis. God save the you stephen weve got a show for you tonight. My guest is chance the rapper. When we return, a very special surprise guest with a very special surprise announcement. Its lady gaga and its about a charity concert. Stick around. piano music guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Without being there. [woof] dry spray dries in an instant. Leaving these men with nothing to do in this ad. Thankfully, weve got something to fill the time, instantly putting these guys back into their comfort zone. Dove dry spray dries instantly and keeps you protected for 48 hours. Just like covered california teammateshelps you finder find a dove dry way to win, instantly Health Insurance you can afford. Theyre the only place you can get Financial Assistance to help pay for Health Coverage. Plus, this year, the state is providing more help than ever before. And because a new law requires californians to have Health Coverage or pay a penalty, covered california has made it easier to get financial help, but times limited. Visit coveredca. Com or call to enroll today. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. In honoring of continuing the show, i thought maybe just a little more flesh, huh . You like . Now, i dont know about you, but even when im stuck at home, i cant help but feel i want to be doing more to help. Then i realize there is something i can do and thats because of something you out there already did. A few years ago we ate the late show published a book whose boat is this boat made entirely of quotes made in Hurricane Florence the proceeds going to those in disasters. We raised millions of dollars. It worked. Hurricane florence never came back. Well, ive always said viruses are the new hurricanes, and im proud to say that finally makes sense. Tonight im announcing well be giving 150,000 from the most recent sales of this book to help victims of the pandemic. The money will be split between world central kitchen where our old friend joseee andreees is helping put food on the table for hundreds of thousands of families who are out of work and give directly where it distributes cash where it can do the most good, our nations poorest households. You all made this possible with your generosity and, now, were all doing the right thing by selfisolating at home, protecting your friends and neighbors, and its working. The curve is beginning to flatten. So i wanted to celebrate how americans are all coming together by staying apart with these united we stand divided tshirts. Were selling them now at colbertlateshow. Com, and 100 of the proceeds will also be split between these two charities. This stylish and charitable shirt is perfect for every day in your living room or maybe a fancy night out standing in your hallway. Be sure to get one in your current size, and one in the size you will be after all of your stresseating. Just head to colbertlateshow. Com to order yours today. Soon, youll be saying hello to your very own shirt. Remember, you cant spell isolation without ola, t and to everybody out there, thanks for all that youve already done, thanks for all that you will do, and thanks to all that you do do. And yes, i just said do do. Oh, sorry it looks like im getting a zoom request. This is a little awkward because im trying to do a show, but it must be important. Grammy oscar winning singer actor, and person i know so well i call her stefani, lady gaga hi, stephen, how are you . Stephen im doing great our zoom Book Club Party doesnt start till 8 00. I dont even have the chardonnay chilled yet. Whats going on . Thats okay. Im already wasted. Its fine. Stephen good, good. Stay loose. Stay loose. Whats going on . How are you . Im doing great. Everybodys safe and sound. We feel very blessed all here together. How are you doing . Stephen same thing. Same thing. Were all together. My kids are my crew right now, my daughter is doing my makeup, im surround bid loved ones and, you know, my family is healthy right now and, for that, i feel blessed. Thats wonderful. Stephen so whats going on . I understand that you and i are going to be doing something together pretty soon. Well, so i am creating a special for the World Health Association and Global Citizen and its called one Health Together at home. It turns out do you know a host of the show . Stephen whos hosting it . Something that big, youve got to have a big host. You, man. Stephen what . thats what it says on the blue card right here. Jimmy kimmel and jimmy falon . Thats right. Stephen i know those guys. I wrote it down on a postit. Stephen i got it here, i got it there. Falon, kimmel and colbert, not in any particular order. And abc agreed to let me have all three of you. I feel so lucky. Stephen and we are honored to be up there with you. Just like Bradley Cooper in a star is born well be standing there peaking our pants standing beside you. No, you cant do that. This show is not going to be a fundraiser. We have raised the money ahead of time. Were going to continue fundraising before the show. So when you introduce the whole special. You can tell everyone put your wallets away and your money away because we dont need it because we raised the money already and were very excited for them to just watch and enjoy the show. Stephen the program, april. Other musicians will be joined from their own homes. Chris martin, elton john, lizzo, paul mccartney. Tune in to figure out which forgets to unmute their zoom. Its going to be exciting. Was i unmuted this whole time . Stephen no, we wouldnt dare. Its basically on every channel, including this one. So everybody out there has to do is just not turn off their tv for the next 12 days and theyre ready to go. Just leave your tv on, stephen will be there or one of the jimmies will be there. You know who else well have . Our friends from sesame street. Stephen thats fantastic. A muppet can be used as a face mask in an emergency. You know, ive asked about all sorts of things that could be used in case of an emergency in front of your face. Its a very complicated topic. Stephen well get into it april 18th. Exactly. Stephen thank you so much. Thank you. Stephen no, thank you. I really want to thank you for all that you do, going and being with people in their homes every night, i know its something thats very heart warming to americas and thank you so much for being a part of this special because really and truly, the fact that the three of you are coming together to do the show, the type of do you knowty and the solidarity we all need right now and the start ofo genuine, sincere kindness. So thank you very much. And also thank you to verizon for their donation to the solidarity fund. Stephen absolutely. My phone is on me, so if anyone wants to call in and donate now, thats part of our corporate or philanthropic kindness coalition. I would love to hear from you. Until then, ill see you soon, stephen, because we have a lot of work to do. Stephen i know. And youre make this announcement on the other guys shows tonight, too, right . Yeah. Stephen say hi to them for me. I think im sweating. laughter i love you. Stay safe, God Bless America and the world. Stephen amen. Lady gaga, everybody. Well be right back im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up. Well somebodys gotta pick it up ill pick it up theyre clean cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Thats how i know theyre clean. Charmin ultra strong is woven like a washcloth and just cleans better. Yeah, im charmin clean. Thats right my hineys clean. The kid does have a point enjoy the go with charmin. And for an extra clean finish. Try charmin flushable wipes. I am totally blind. And non24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424. When they bundle home and auto with progressive. Wow, thats. And now the progressive commercial halftime show, featuring smash mouth. Hey now, youre an all star get your game on, go play thank you goodnight [ cheers and applause ] now enjoy the second half of the commercial even renters can bundle and save where did that come from . The kitchen. It was halftime. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Tonight, im excited to sit down with a threetime grammy winning musician who is now hosting a reboot of punkd. Please welcome chance the rapper hey stephen how are you doing . Im good, man. How are you . Stephen im doing all right. Im with my family and everybody is, you know, healthy and reasonably happy for people who are on top of each other right now. Are you there with your family . Yeah, were all here. Kinsey is doing nap time and so is marley and in the kitchen cooking something, so, yeah, were all chilling, happy to be able to social distance even from each other. Stephen in 2019 you released an album, got married, had a second baby. Why did you get so much done in 2019. Did you see this coming in 2020 and did everything when you had down time . I didnt see this coming. It was a jam packed year with probably some of the biggest and best memories of my lifetime and, yeah, im glad all that stuff wasnt scheduled for 2020. Stephen well, now youre stuck at