I mean, just close your mouth you eat like a barn animal survivor your house. Then stay tuned for ncis tiny apartment. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, all by my shelf plus stephen welcomes pod save america, john meacham and musical guest dave matthews, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome to a late show. Im Stephen Colbert. I was just talking to my son peter who is my crew. My wife is out getting me a cocktail. Its the last show of the week. I normally have a cocktail at the end of the last show of the week, but you knowco what . I dont think i can wait that long. Happy thursday. You see, during social isolation, ive asked my writers to mark the passage of time, so when i read this script ill know what day it is. Thursday. Today which, again, is thursday, stephen the coronavirus continues to ravage the country. But there are signs that social distancing is working, though that doesnt mean we can go back to normal any time soon or maybe ever. At least according to immunologist and man who just realized hes touching his face, dr. Anthony fauci. Thank you very much. This is i married the right girl. Cheers. Mmm oh, yeah. That is lovely. Whoo fruit of the vierntion work of the human hands, it shall become for us our spiritual drink. laughter on tuesday, fauci explained that weve got to take it slow. When you gradually get back, you dont jump into it with both feet. You say, you know, what are the things you could still do and still approach normal . One of them is absolute compulsive hand washing. Stephen yes, dr. Fauci wants compulsive hand washing to be the new normal, which is great news for anyone with obsessive compulsive disorder. Congratulations, you now have youre laughing. Youre laughing. Not at the joke, youre laughing at me. All right, do either one of you want to get in here, by the way, or are you just going to lurk in the doorway . Anybody want to get back in here . Okay, this is all going to be in the show. Are you going to stay over there or come in here . Are you afraid im going to bite . Its been a long week, im sure it has been for you, too. Here we go. I just want to make sure this is still yeah, i just want to make sure they hadnt switched it out. Dr. Fauci wants pulsative hand washington normal. Which is great news for anyone with obsessive compulsive disorder. Congratulations, you now have obsessive compulsive order. Also being recommended by the c. D. C. Next counting the tiles on your Kitchen Floor and making sure your shoes all face north. Fauci went on the other one is you dont ever shake anybodys hands. Thats clear. I dont think that we should ever shake hands ever again, to be honest with you. Stephen never shake hands. That is bad news for the secret societies. Welcome to the exalted brotherhood. We shall now anoint you with the scepter of rebirth, and teach you the secret. Elbow bump. Will that do . Will that enrique bloomencrofton. There are some other unexpected Silver Linings to this. After five years of brutal conflict saudi arabia and yemen have announced a ceasefire amid the pandemic. Yes, they know right now is just not a safe time to kill each other. In predictable pandemic news, a new survey finds that pot use reached an alltime high in march amid lockdown measures. Really, alltime high . You werent with me, chief big bong and the warrior back in 82 hotboxing out at the point. That was the alltime high. Whoo im joking, obviously. It makes sense that these days a lot of people are getting stress baked. Youre already on the couch all day, in your pajamas, watching netflix and eating beefaroni out of a can. Hey, its covid420 somewhere. But be careful potthusiasts. This is not the time to be doing anything that makes you cough and be paranoid. So stop smoking. Eat edibles instead. Or if that doesnt work for you, try snoop doggs new line of supotsitories. Put the shizzle up your bizzle try the tush kush. Of course, all the experts agree that the only way out of this pandemic is to increase, in any way possible, widelyavailable testing. So, yesterday it was announced that the white house will end federal support for coronavirustesting sites on friday. Why is trump opposed to the testing . Theyre coronavirus tests, not paternity tests. Instead, the federal government will be transitioning to statemanaged testing sites, part of trumps strategy to shift responsibility to states. Oh, if only there were some way to coordinate among the states, some way to, i dont know, unite the states of america under one government that had, lets say, an Emergency Management agency on a federal level. I just want to say, heck of a job, trumpie. But the president is under a lot of pressure. Hes facing the prospect of running for reelection after botching the response to a global pandemic. So its no surprise he wants to get the economy up and running again, but this tweet may have been a tad insensitive. Once we open up our great country, and it will be sooner rather than later, the horror of the invisible enemy, except for those that sadly lost a Family Member or friend, must be quickly forgotten. You know the old saying, those who forget the past, are more likely to vote for donald trump. With everyone staying home to stop the virus, americans are being hit hard by job losses. 16 Million People have filed for unemployment in the past three weeks. And with so many people filing for unemployment, its overloading the system. One person recently laid off in texas said she, had not managed to file despite more than 1,200 attempts, some at 1 00 a. M. Being out of a job should not be a fulltime job. Thankfully, Many Americans are still working, and some of them are risking their lives to help us through this crisis. Including fast food workers who are going on strike demanding paid sick leave and more protections at work. Evidently, those hairnets can only do so much. Workers are walking out at mcdonalds, pizza hut, subway, popeyes, dominos, burger king, and taco bell, asking for masks, gloves, soap, and two weeks of paid sick leave to workers exposed to covid19. I want them to have those things. I dont want a contagious person making my nachos if i get sick from eating at taco bell, i want it to be because i ate taco bell as god intended. Speaking of god heres to you, big fella i just want to say to my jewish viewers, merry passover. Tonights the second night of passover. I think it goes two rabbis aleapin. Now, if youre observing passover, youre holding seder. And that big family meal may have been different this year, because many are opting to hold their seders on zoom. Of course, tonight started with the traditional jewish prayer of, nana, youre muted the seder tells the story of the israelites escaping slavery in egypt. Its all about plagues. We can relate. Ive been putting lambs blood on my door frame just to ward off grub hub. Ive got to cut out the carbs. Traditionally, on passover, you save a place for elijah and someone gets up and checks to see if hes at the door. But this year, if hes there, dont let him in. Hes 3,000 years old. Easter is also this weekend. And its going to be a strange one. Instead of celebrating in the church, well be celebrating in sweatpants. Or in no pants. Depends on your denomination. Recently, the vatican published guidelines for easter celebrations during coronavirus, including a decree for priests saying they may offer the liturgies in their parishes without the physical presence of the faithful. So theyre going to do the mass with nobody there. Well, as someone whos been performing with no audience for a few weeks now, i feel for those priests. My advice bring your dog in once in awhile. Okay . People like that. Make sure you change his collar. A church in texas planned Something Special for the kids in their parish, a virtual Easter Egg Hunt in minecraft. A little unorthodox, but better than their original plan, a Fortnite Bunny royale. With everybody changing how they celebrate the high holy days, i thought now would be a good time to check in with god to see what he thinks of all this. Please welcome, friend of the show, the almighty. Lord, thanks for joining us. My pleasure, stephen. Nice to talk to anybody. I was getting a little squirrelly. Stephen where are you right now, lord . Technically, im everywhere, but specifically im riding it out at my cabin in idaho. Im a prepper. Ive got two years of freezedried beef stroganoff. Stephen youre a prepper . Oh, yeah. Gotta be prepared for natural disasters. Im allloving, but im also very moody. Who knows what im going to do next . Stephen what about up in heaven . Are they social distancing . Oh, yeah. Me and the angels are doing all our meetings over zoom now. Im getting pretty good at it. Look, i can change my background. Now im in the bahamas. Now im in that house from parasite. Now im in hell oh that one usually gets a laugh. Boy, i dont know how you do this without an audience, steve. Stephen its not easy. So what are you doing this easter . Oh, celebrating at home. Having dinner with the son and the holy spirit. Were not supposed to be around each other, but were one in the same being so, that makes it tough. And its impossible to pick a tv show. Jesus hasnt caught up with tiger king yet, but im like, you cant call no spoilers eternity, jdog stephen well, ill let you go, god. Im sure youre busy. Yeah, i gotta give myself a haircut, then turn water into wine and then wine into toilet paper. Stephen god everybody weve got a show for you tonight. When we come back, ill be talking to the hosts of pod save america, john meacham, and a performance by dave matthews. Stick around. And tiger kings joe exotic. Stick around. This is hal. This is hals heart. Its been broken. This is also hals heart. And his relief, knowing hes covered by blue cross blue shield. And this is our promise, with over 80 years of healthcare expertise to be here for you now. And always. This is medicare from blue cross blue shield. This is the benefit of blue. Way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. Step by step, were going to figure this out. Were gonna find a way through this. Were working really, really hard in hospitals, our nurses, our techs, all the docs. Its about staggering when people get sick so that the hospitals can cope. Were gonna go through an awful lot of these. All across puget sound, people have been stepping up and donating personal protective equipment. We stay at work. For you. You stay at home for us. Just know were all with you. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you doctors nurses. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to a late show already in progress. Hi, jon, what are you doing down there . Hey, whats going on . Im hanging out in the house listening to music. Stephen good, good. Have a happy easter this weekend. Oh, you, too. You know, i know its a strange time for the families to come together, but were going to the best we can. Stephen well, listen, have a happy easter and well see you soon, i hope. See you. Much love. Stephen much love to you, too. Covid19 is impacting every aspect of life. Even nonhuman life, because last weekend, a tiger at new york citys bronx zoo tested positive for coronavirus. Great, now we have to stay six feet away from tigers, too . come on the sick tiger is going to be okay. The zoo believes she was infected by a zoo employee who wasnt yet showing symptoms. So i just want to say hey, tigers. Coronavirus isnt just a human disease anymore. So you have to stay safe. That means staying home unless you are an essential tiger. Say, if youre a tiger delivering groceries. Otherwise, its not so bad you can binge watch netflix. Ooh, you should check out tiger king. Youre the only trustworthy creatures in the whole show. In fact, its the biggest thing on tv right now. It tells a terrifying true story filled with guns, drugs, animal abuse, polyamory, and a bizarre murder plot. Its just a happy escape from reality. And it all centers on a bizarre former zoo owner named joe exotic. Hes the guy everyone is talking about, including the president. One of the biggest rating hits of the coronavirus aside from these briefings has been a show on netflix called tiger king. He is asking you for a pardon, saying he was unfairly convicted. Your son yesterday jokingly said that he, you know, was going to advocate for it, and i was wondering if you had seen the show and if you have any thoughts on pardoning joe exotic. Which son . Must be don. It was. I had a feeling it was don. Stephen yes, i had a feeling it was don, too. Because all eric watches is paw patrol. The president says, and im not making this up, hes going to look into it. Well, i beat him to the punch. Because i recently snagged an exclusive interview with joe exotic live from prison in texas where he is currently serving 22 years worth of courtordered social distancing. Jim . Thank you there, mr. Stevie, to the iced cold beer. Im thrilled to be on the show tonight and especially thrilled to be your musical guest performing my new numberone hit song a liger ate my shoes stephen okay, good to know. But i was actually hoping to ask you some questions sure, absolutely. Stephen okay, good. First, i think america wants to know, how have you been since the release of the documentary . I am so glad that you asked that, little stevie colbert. It has been like a poop parade on prune avenue and i am the dang roustabout who got handed the pooper scooper. Dont just whiz in my soup and call it minestrone chris maloney, okay, because i have been saying for many moons that a great rain is coming and its gonna be a purple rain. A purple rain and prince, them purple peopl eaters. And if you want to know about people eating, ask carol baskin. Stephen so youre doing well . Yes. Stephen great. Now, the series has sparked a lot of controversy. Do you feel like you were accurately portrayed by the filmmakers . I am so glad that you asked that little stevie b. J. And the colbert because let me tell you this, there has been a lot of funky rhubarb picked in the ted sarandospatch that paints me like some kinda chickenfried freakazoid who is crazier than downtown encyclopedia brown. But, in fact, thats just a colonels 12piece bucket of deep fried baloney bites, and im actually a very downtoearth pistolpacking double husband having mullet man with joie de vivre and a love of americas great cigarettes. Stephen so you feel. You were treated unfairly . Yes, sir. Stephen and have you actually been allowed to see the series while in prison . You know, im so glad you asked that 1985 chicago cold to the championship bears, and let me tell you this, no. I have not seen it because the aryan nation controls the Remote Control in the sort of multipurpose room. They have been Binge Watching reruns of the masked singer, so i cant get anywhere close it to so im up crap creek with a pickle for a paddle and a grinch up my crack. Stephen okay, good to know. That really paints a picture. Lets change gears. How have you been holding up during the current pandemic . Its been tough but i have been able to hear the president s press conferences every day, and that stuff doesnt make a lick of sense. Stephen thank you so much for being here, joe exotic. And now were going to do any murm one hit song. Let me get into my singing voice. A loggert at my shoes and now i sing the blues for you i dont run any zoos for you when the liger ate my shoes, too stephen im afraid were out of time. Stay safe in there, joe exotic. Well be right back. You know where im going. Ill be here. Roll [ screaming ] if were gonna save the world, we need to unite all the trolls. Like k pop. Reggaeton. Yodelin. And hip hop. My whole bodys made of glitter and ill throw it in your face well, were doomed. A smooth jazz troll . I dont care for smooth jazz. The World Premiere is in your home friday. Go to watchtrolls. Com for more. Rated pg. [ chuckles ] so, what are some Key Takeaways from this commercial . Did any of you hear the bundle your home and auto part . I like that, just not when it comes out of her mouth. Yeah, as a mother, i wouldnt want my kids to see that. Good mom. To see wait. Im sorry. What . Dont kids see enough violence as it is . Ive seen violence. Maybe we turn the word bundle into a character, like mr. Bundles. Top o the bundle to you. [ laughter ] bundle, bundle, bundle. My kids would love that. Yeah. Bundle, bundle, bundle. I am totally blind. And non24 can make me show up too early. Or too late. Or make me feel like im not really there. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442342424. Hon, can you put a roll of new charmin ultra soft in the bathroom . Ohh yeah baby you feel so good. I love how soft you are. I need your soft, pillowy cushions. New charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less and its softer than ever baby. Hon . Save some for the bathroom. Sorry, i couldnt resist the softness. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin. So meet eno, the capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Whats in your wallet . Eveso we can stillg a answer your calls. Now. You and helps you fix them. And we are monitoring our system 24 7 to ensure that we have a fast reliable network, keep the customers connected, and making sure people are staying safe. And were still on the road. Solving Critical Issues as they arise. Go to xfinity. Com prepare. Thank you. Z3ujqz zi0z y3ujqy yi0y stephen welco