Tonight, one exit plan. Plus stephen welcomes keith urban and casey wilson featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen hey nice to see. Delightful delightful cheers and applause stephen good to see you there you go Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen nice. There you go. A busy night. A busy night here. Spring is in the air. Nice to see you, chris. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Another candidate cheers and applause yet another candidate has dropped out of the democratic race. And were getting a clearer picture of americas future, and it looks a lot like americas past. laughter and ill give you the latest in tonights edition of i have a plan for that. I beat trump. Corn pop was a bad dude aaahhh bing, bing, bong, bong. Fury road to the white house 2020 come on stephen now cheers and applause piano riff stephen folks, im afraid i have sad news for fans of competence, because friend of the show Elizabeth Warren has dropped out of the president ial race. audience reacts the onetime frontrunner, warren made the classic campaign mistake of being able to finish a coherent sentence laughter and not having a penis. Laug warren is gone now. Thats it. Shes out of the race. Further proof that america can not have nice things. laughter she had a plan for everything a healthcare plan, an immigration plan, a student loan plan. And her most popular plan of all, kneecapping Michael Bloomberg with a croquet mallet. laughter cheers and applause jon oh huhoh piano riff stephen hold still tata laughter not surprisingly, warren was gracious and eloquent, reportedly telling her staff, i will carry you in my heart for the rest of my life. If i leave you with one piece of advice choose to fight only righteous fights. That is beautiful. But fear not bufear, warrenans. Joe bi con that fight ws ou message of yabbadabba, democrats lifelong laughter mama see, mama sa, mama koo sa come on laughter now cheering piano riff really got to get the flipdowns. Once she addressed the press, warren lamented how the narrative of this primary seemed to have been written in advance. Stephen yes, despite her best effort, that democratic road still has just two lanes, and two drivers who probably should have their keys taken away. laughter okay . applause eyes are just going. Now get a golf cart. Get a golf cart. At one p, abouthe young women as who look up to her. Stephen are you happy, america . You made Elizabeth Warren break her pinky promise. laughter now she has to hope to die and stick a needle in her eye laughter warren was also asked whether sexism might have played a role in her campaigns ending. Stephen and im guessing most of it will be bleeped. laughter then warren was asked whether she would be endorsing either biden or sanders. Heres what she said stephen okay, shes right. Lets all just take a deep breath. And hold it until the coronavirus is gone. laughter you know theres going to be a fierce battle between biden and sanders to win Elizabeth Warren. as bernie liz, im sorry i called you a liar. Please, my heart cant take much more of this. Thats doctors orders. I guess what im saying is, you complete me literally. I need an organ donor. In your eyes the light, the heat your eyes but biden cheers and applause but bidens not going to give up without a fight. as biden dont listen to him, lizzie. After all, you are my cousin. Oh, wait, they switched em on me. Point is, i want you to endorse me for u. S. Senate. No, i mean that, folks laughter and as they waited for warrens announcement, the press camped out on her lawn, and one reporter snapped this picture of her dog, bailey. Awww. Look at that face. Dang, that should have been her Campaign Slogan all along vote for Elizabeth Warren, or youll make a dog sad. laughter but applause but, like a lot of us, bailey evidently is a stress eater, because after the announcement, warrens press secretary, gabrielle farrell, posted on twitter bailey legit just swiped someones burrito. laughter along with footage of staffers trying to get the texmex from his maw. laughter yes, yes, its your burrito, but bailey has a plan for that. laughter jon oh, oh, a plan so, ladies and gentlemen, now it is time cheers and applause today today we are all bailey. So its time to say goodbye to Elizabeth Warren. Oh here comes her horse ride, lizzie ride laughter applause so now its down to biden and sanders showdown at high noon, right before they both eat dinner. laughter either one of these men would be the oldest president in u. S. History, so its going to be important they choose a running mate that is experienced, yet seems a lot younger. So. Jimmy carter. laughter applause now, the other big story Strom Thurmond . No, Strom Thurmonds gone. Okay. The other big story is still the coronavirus. Its all anybodys talking about. You could say america has coronavirus fever. But you should not. That would be in poor taste. How dare you . laughter ill give you the latest in tonights goin viral. Lick me, im delicious cheers and applause stephen the coronavirus continues to spread. So far, there have been 210 confirmed cases in 18 states with doubledigit fatalities. So last night, donald trump went on fox news to lie about everything. laughter specifically, he lied about the most recent World Health Organization estimate that the global death rate of coronavirus is 3. 4 . He disagreed. I think the 3. 4 is really a false number. Now, this is just my hunch. Stephen science is not based ht thats why bill nye the science guy is more successful than his rival phil munch, man of hunch laughter trump applause its a good show, though. A really good show. Trump backed up his fake hunch with some fake math. It seems like 3 or 4 , which is a very high number, as opposed to as opposed to a fraction of 1 . I think the number personally, i would say the number is way under 1 . Stephen this isnt the art of the deal. You cant negotiate with science as trump youre saying i have six to eight weeks to live . Uhhuh, okay. How about 10 to 12, all right . laughter nine weeks. Final offer, or im walking. Oh, youre saying i wont be able to walk then . Okay. laughter trump didnt just have bad numbers. He also had some bad advice a lot of people will have this, and it is very mild. They will get better very rapidly. They dont even see a doctor. They dont even call a doctor. You never hear about those people. We have thousands, or hundreds of thousands of people that get better just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work. Some of them go to work. laughter stephen go to work . Maybe some of them do go to work, but they shouldnt go to work, because thats a good way to spread a pandemic. Trumps like the mayor in jaws, but worse. as trump dont listen to the sheriff, okay . Sheriff doesnt know what hes talking about. The beaches are open for summer a lot of people a lot of people going to get attacked by a shark, but a lot of people arent. Never hear about the hundreds of thousands of people who dont get chomped up. Some of them will get their leg eaten off, but theyll come to shore, and theyll get better just by sitting around. Their legs will grow back. I have a hunch. laughter but cheers and applause piano riff you see, its a message of hope, jon. Jon message of hope . Really . Stephen never say die. But maybe the worst corona lie was what trump said about the current fatalities. When you do have a death if washingtonu e york. Stephen no, we did not have one in new york laughter but he said it. Now an intern in the Trump Administration is going to have to make it true. Im so sorry. He said it on hannity. stay still its for College Credit hold still laughter its not a real gun. Its not a real gun. laughter piano riff these are anxious times demanding swift, decisive action. And, for once, congress has stepped up, because, first the house and then today the senate, both passed an 8. 3 billion emergency spending package to respond to the coronavirus outbreak. Dang with that kind of money, you could go on amazon and buy six face masks laughter applause six. Now, some americans yes. There you go. Second time, second time. Some republicans think that 8. 3 billion is an overreaction, like florida congressman and man thinking, you cant arrest me for drunk driving. Im florida congressman matt gaetz, matt gaetz. laughter gaetz was there for yesterdays budget vote, and he showed up for it wearing a gas mask. Well, that is one way to prevent people from smelling the liquor on your breath. laughter and then and then, that wasnt gaetzs only picture wearing the gas mask. Here he is surrounded by all of his friends. laughter and id like to point out, id like to point out, ladies and gentlemen, that he is the only man who could wear a gas mask to work and still have the dumbest part of his outfit be his shoes. cheers and applause theyre like clown feet, but they didnt grow. One person actually taking the coronavirus seriously is bond, james bond. james bond theme song cheers and applause yesterday, the new james bond movie was postponed over oducerof the farre shaken and stirred. laughter ironically, the film is named no time to die. laughter it didnt help that the bond girl is named pam demic. laughter i applaud the producers for putting Public Health ahead of their marketing schedule, but i think they can do more. Thats why im calling on them to release a new version of one of their classic songs. Wash fingers laughter cheers and applause seriously, wash your fingers. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Keith urban is here. But when we come back, its meanwhile time, yall. Its meanwhile. cheers and applause band playing [car engine failing to start] [clicking of ignition] uh wha woof eeh woof wuh [silence] [engine roars to life] [dog howls] dramatic opera music swells from radio [howling continues] way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. cheers and applause cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human right there thats the band im not the band. Theyre the band cheers and applause jon jon, tonight, my friend jon got to get into it, man stephen my friend, tonight we are graced, we are graced by a Country Music superstar, keith urban is going to be here tonight. cheers and applause jon oh, yeah stephen hes going to talk, hes going to play. Its going to be the whole nine yards. Jon with a song. Amazing. Stephen sir keith urban. Jon sir. Stephen yeah. He can be knighted, dolly parton, i heard. Stephen just did that. Did that, with a bread stick. laughter you know, folks, every night i stand right over there and i stir you up a vat of the finest fermented news hops and barley to handcraft the highend topical microbrew that is my monologue. But every now and then, i like to gather up all the leftover plastic solo cups halffilled with discount hooch, malt liquor and backwash, dump them in a blender and whip up the multicolored, barely drinkable, mindaltering slurry of news i call meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile is the engine of this economy. Meanwhile is is an alternative fuel source, is what it is. Meanwhile, a man brought a llama to his sisters wedding, delighting just about everyone but the bride. laughter im going to guess the llama wasnt super psyched about it, either. Be honest, man. Do you really like me, or am i just here as a joke . Im meeting your family. This is a big step. laughter meanwhile, a Florida Police department is offering to test your recreational drugs for coronavirus. Posting on their facebook page, bring it by our station, and we will test your batch within minutes laughter bracelets on you, behind youting ckto keep from touching your quartined for 1025 years in a science cage. laughter the cops even tagged cheers and applause science science and this is true the cops even tagged the post with the friendly hashtag better safe than sorry, hashtag help us help you, and hashtag virusfree meth. laughter they just forgot the hashtag please be this stupid. laughter meanwhile, there was a woefully underreported super tuesday election, the mayoral race in fair haven, vermont, where the winner was murfee, a threeyearold cavalier king charles spaniel. And heres murfee, announcing his bold platform of lets stand on the porch and wonder what birds are. laughter it was a close race, but murfee edged out the incumbent, a threeyearold nubian goat named lincoln easily the secondroughest end to a political career for a lincoln. laughter jon goodness. Oh, my. Its a little too soon. Stephen really . Really . Well, then you should have seen before we edited this script. laughter meanwhile, in world news, nearly 32,000 people have signed a petition asking the Oxford English dictionary to update its definition of woman, which currently includes such synonyms as bitch, piece, bit, mare, baggage, wench, petticoat, frail, bird, bint, biddy, and filly. That is horrible also, what is a bint . laughter it sounds like an old scottish word for the tool used to club a squirrel. scottish accent angus i dont like the way that ones looking at me. Get me me bint. The wench has it. Ooh, that fillys a fine bit o baggage. This is fun. Lets never change the way we talk, you bitch laughter jon oh, my stephen now cheers and applause piano riff the synonyms arent the only problem. One of the example sentences in the dictionary showing how to use the word woman is god, woman will you just listen . laughter audience reacts first of all, thats two sentences. laughter second, was the guy who wrote the dictionary in the middle of a fight when he was writing this . It would explain why the example sentence for the word happy is, god, patricia i didnt know you were saving those bananas to make banana bread i threw them away because they were turning black im not a mind reader just talk to me what happened to us . we used to be so happy laug well be right back with keith urban. cheers and applause urban. cheers and applause band playing whenever thenee,athey can s. Do what they need to do, something that they can use wherever they are. We care about keeping you safe. At verizon, we are here, and we are ready. We are open 24 7 online, so you can keep managing all you need from home and through the verizon apps and verizon. Com. And i like to question your im yoevery move. N law. Like this left turn. Its the next one. You always drive this slow . How did you make someone i love . That must be why youre always so late. I do not speed. And thats saving me cash with drivewise. My son, he did say that you were the safe option. And thats the nicest thing you ever said to me. So get allstate. Stop bossing. Where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. This is my sons favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady . [tina] youre an old lady. To join artists from all over the globe for one special night in. We are one world together at home, united in the fight against covid19. Tune in april 18 to participate in this historic global event. Youre not using too much, are you hon . Nope. Charmin ultra soft is so soft youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Dont worry, theres plenty left for you, dad. We all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . Wityour money almostes offered feels like its frozen. With capital one, you can open a new savings account in about 5 minutes and earn five times the national average. This is banking reimagined. Whats in your wallet . Step by step, were going to figure this out. Were gonna find a way through this. R rsesr. Rking really, hos, so that the hospitals can cope. Were gonna go through an awful lot of these. All across puget sound, people have been stepping up and donating personal protective equipment. We stay at work. For you. You stay at home for us. Just know were all with you. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you doctors nurses. band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is the fourtime grammy awardwinning singer and songwriter with hits including somebody like you, stupid boy, and blue aint your color. Please welcome to the late show, keith urban. cheers and applause band playing stephen exactly why not . Stephen cant be too careful these days. Cant be too safe. Welcome to the show. Thank you very much. Stephen nice to have you on. Nice to be on, thank you. Stephen im not breaking any news here. Everybody knows americas one of the worlds biggest Country Music stars, but maybe not Everybody Knows you grew up in australia and were born in new zealand down there in gods country. Thats right. Stephen well, was Country Music big growing up down there . You know, im a little bit older than you are, but in america, even though you grew up in the south, you werent exposed to that much Country Music. Where did you learn it . My parents record collections. My dad particularly loved american Country Music. I grew up with the records playing merle haggard, charley pride, johnny cash. All that sort of stuff. Thats how i heard about it originally. Stephen thats nice. Do you remember the first concert you went to . The first one took us to was johnny cash applause yeah. When i was five years old. Stephen wow im jealous. I never got to see cash live. Those are cool parent taking you to see johnny cash. Crazy, really, i think, because that kind of crowd, when youre five years old, its insane. They were hammered beyond hammered, the whole audience, including my dad. Stephen what kind of venue was it . Where was it . A place called festive hall in brisbane, and its a boxing venue, so holds about 5,000 people ready to go. Stephen beer on the floor, Something Like that. And it was just rowdy. But when youre five, it was, you know, like a stadium to me. And this crowd was so noisy and intense and rowdy, and i was sitting there, and my brother who is two ye