People, okay, and if you dont give me the cash im going to release pictures of that dog of yours humping your neighbors leg nonconsensually. Isnt that black mail . No, its blue mail. Oooh, i dont feel so good. Whats wrong, mailbox . I have been selfmedicating. Welcome to booze clues laughter oh, god gagging announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonights open sesame, plus stephen welcomes Phoebe Wallerbridge with a special e and stayby s homin. Now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen h hello and welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Where are my glasses . Throw head. That gives you an idea of whats going on in the squirrel cage now. I hope youre holding up in this crazy time. I feel pretty good. We hope to make you feel better with our show every night. Eerybody at the show is happy to be doing this for you right now, and we know were lucky to have jobs because in the last month alone 22 million americans have been laid off and, unfortunately, donald trump is not one of them. Yesterday, the president held another coronavirus blame and shout and shared good news. The data suggests that nationwide we he passed p peak on new cases. Hopefully, that will continue, and we will continue to make great progress. These encouraging developments have put us in a very strong position to finalize guidelines for states on reopening the country. Some of the states can actually open before the deadline of may 1. Ste its going to take me that long to find my pants. There are some signs that this move may be premature, because all the experts say there needs to be extensive coronavirus testing before people return to work. Estimates of how many tests well need range from a low of 750,000 tests per week up to 22 million tests per day. Thats a lot of swabbin. Theyre already working on the new bathroom signs employees must jam qtip. That kind of widespread testing just isnt available yet. The total for the country since the epidemic started is only 3. 1 million. To put that into perspective in its first ten days on netflix, 34 Million People watched tiger king. Clearly, we have to turn testing over to joe exotic. So, without the tests, trump saying that he knows weve passed the peak is a little premature. You dont hear a fire chief saying, im just eyeballing this, but i dont see the flames shooting out your window as much, so everybody, back in the house. Come on lets go sleep tight. But last week, trump said he didnt think testing was necessary. You dont need testing there you know, where you have a state with a small number of cases. Some states with almost none. So when you have that, you dont need testing. You dont have to test every person in the state of iowa, as an example. You dont have to test every Single Person to say, lets open up and lets get the tractors moving, and lets get the corn, and lets open up all of the Different Things they do in that great state. Stephen trump clearly has a deep knowledge of iowa. as trump all the Different Things they do. Corn. Tractor. Pig. Pig says oink. Im hearing that from a lot of pigs. I met a farmer treald. Old guy. Youd like him he says weve done enough testing. With a testtest here and a testtest there. Here a test, there a test. Everywhere a testtest. To help him reopen the country, on tuesday, trump named 200 corporations and industry leaders, which he dubbed the Great American economic revival industry groups. A name chosen by chief White House Health adviser, dr. Fridge magnets. Creating a special council to get our economy going sounds good. Only problem . He did it without telling the members of the council that they were on it. Well, why would he start asking for consent now . In fact, many of the listed names and companies on the council did not learn of their new advisory roles until the president read their names on live tv. Its kind of like finding out youre engaged by getting a save the date to your own wedding. June 17, huh . S lmon. D rick . So, to be safe, we all need to treat this Economic Council like the virus assume youre on it until we can develop a reliable Corona Council test. You dont want to know where they put the swab because its where hes yanking out the names. Later in the briefing, trump addressed the issue on nobodys mind his inability to get congressional approval for some of his federal appointments we have many, many positions that are unstaffed because we cannot get the approvals. The senate should either fulfill its duty and vote on my nominees or formally adjourn so i can make recess appointments. Stephen and he can do it. Back in college, trumps favorite class was recess. Then he turned his complaint into a threat if the house will not agree to that adjournment, i will exercise my Constitutional Authority to adjourn both chambes of congress. Stephen hes threatening to shut down congress because they wont do what he wants. Thats at least halfway to dictator because he is being a dick. Trump seems to be referring to article ii, Section Three of the constitution, which gives the president the power to adjourn both houses under extreme circumstances, an authority that no president has ever exercised. Which is fitting, since trump is the president who has never exercised. Trump cant make recess appointments because, even though congress is working from home, theyre still technically in session, holding what are called pro forma sessions. And trump is not happy the Current Practice of leaving town while conducting phony pro forma sessions is a dereliction of duty that the American People cannot afford during this crisis. It is a scam, what they do. It is a scam and Everybody Knows it. Te en it may look like Chuck Schumer is wearing a full suit, but, i promise you, downtown, chuck is donaldducking it. Hes going full winnie the pooh. Trumps been having a blast at his briefings, but it turns out, he initially had a different idea for how to connect with the American People. Early on in the crisis, trump wanted to start a white house talk radio show. A apparently, trump emphasized the show would need to be at least two hours a day every day. Could we just lock him in the room and tell him hes on the radio oh, your ratings are great, sir. Just take our word for it. Now, well fight the virus. You keep screaming into the hair brush. Of course, talking the American People through a crisis over the radio isnt a new idea. F. D. R. Had his famous fireside chats, and he was a lot more like trump than youd think. My fellow americans, war has engulfed the pacific. Y april, like a miracle. For guidance during these difficult times, we now turn to the mypillow guys grandfather, jiminy pillow now, off for a frisky frolic down in warm springs with salty sue and the ziegfeld goodtime gals bababooey stephen big news in new york, where yesterday the governor announced an executive order that requires everyone in the state to wear a mask or a mouth nose covering in public when not social distancing. Its a big change for all new yorkers, except jets fans. The governor didnt announce a formal punishment for violators, but hes pretty sure it will be taken care of there wont be a penalty but it is an executive order im directing. If no one if people dont follow it, we could do a civil penalty. Youre not going to go to jail for not wearing your mask. By the way, people will enforce it. Theyll say to you, if theyre standing next to you on a street corner, wheres your mask, buddy . In a nice, new york kind of way. Stephen oh, yeah, itll be super nice. as new yorker hey, im breathing here. And wash your finger your mother is high risk. Seriously, youve got to be good to your mom. Like i was, last night. With the economy plummeting, people are understandably eager to open things up again. Earlier this week, protrump protestors in ohio demanded the governor reopen businesses, demonstrating right outside the state house windows. Im sure that convinced the legislators. You know, the medical data doesnt back up an early reopen, but i heard some sound policy ideas from lady flag screamer and guy in a purge mask. Angry Trump Supporters were also at it in michigans state capital, where they blocked traffic and honked their horns in a protest called operation gridlock. Who are you gridlocking . Nobody else is out there blocking empty streets is like streaking in your shower. It doesnt count protesters carried trump flags, maga signs, and even confederate flags. Because nothing says, Never Surrender like a confederate flag. Some protesters had more niche messages, like this woman carrying a sign that reads protesters also attacked Governor Gretchen Whitmer by calling back a classic trump chant lock her up. Lock her up. chanting stephen lock her up wait, never mind its safer inside make her go out and lock me up inside my house but first, i need some eggs its a long chant. The protesters were focused on protecting the things that are most precious hair and lawns. Were tired of not being able to buy the things that we need, go to the hairdressers, get our hair done. You cant buy paint, you cant buy lawn fertilizer or grass seed, wha come on. Stephen sir, you dont need to buy lawn fertilizer. You can make that at home. Theres a toilet paper shortage. Just put two and number two together. Weve got a show for you tonight. Id say a great show. Ill be zooming with two of my favorite performers, the creator and star of fleabag, Phoebe Waller bridge, and the great steve martin will attempt to sing a song, and i will attempt to stop him. But when we return, meanwhile stick around. So what will galaxy 5g really change . Way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Laso you can enjoy it even ifst youre sensitive. Se. Without being there. Yet some say it isnt real milk. I guess those cows must actually be big dogs. Sit i said sit the calming scent of lavender by downy infusions calm. Laundry isnt done stephen welcome back,erybod. Say hi to our friend jon batiste. Way that, way that. Stephen who dat . There it is. if youre happy and you know it laughter stephen you know, folks, i spend a lot of time gathering the big stories, inviting the major news players, and generally taking care of important business at the big, interdepartmental corporate conference that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to set up a zoom meeting with some college buddies, get in my p. J. s, crack open a jar of nutella, and tease craig about the time he launched bottle rockets out of his butt crack in the rambling video chat of news that is my quarantined meanwhile segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, the amish are getting a covid19 drivethrough Testing Center for horse and buggies. Once the samples are collected, theyre sent to the labs where amish scientists churn the results. Quarantinewhile, governments around the world are working hard to contain the coronavirus pandemic, and some of them have pretty interesting strategies. For instance, in indonesia, one village has started using volunteers dressed as ghosts to try to scare people into social distancing. And here are the ghosts in action. Hold on, theyre clearly not six feet from each other. What, do these ghosts have a death wish . Quarantinewhile, an english soccer star for Manchester City named kyle walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. First of all, i appreciate the media specifying a prostitute sex party. He could have invited them to any sort of party. Might have been a tupperware party. Sex workers eat leftovers. Heres one tip, though. If youre going to go ahead with your sex party, maybe dont allow your sex guests to photograph you counting out their money to pay them. Thats just wrong that cash youre using to pay for sex could spread disease youve got to venmo quarantinewhile, with restaurants and bars shut down across the country, that means a lot of empty dumpsters. So now, starving, angry, and cannibalistic rats are getting desperate amid the coronavirus pandemic. And experts are reporting rat battles. So, good news, espn. You finally have something to broadcast. Quarantinewhile, an astrophysicist who hoped to create a device to help stop people from catching the coronavirus ended up in the hospital after getting magnets stuck up his nose. Not important how they got up there. Whats important is that the astrophysicist tried a few strategies for getting the magnets dislodged himself, including using his last two magnets in a futile attempt to remove the magnets, but then those got stuck too. Fortunately, doctors were able to remove them, and now he can go back to doing whatever nonsense he was doing before he got those magnets stuck up there, which was, lets see. Working with pulsar timing array data to search for nanohertzfrequency Gravitational Waves emitted by supermassive black hole binaries in the cores of distant galaxies. Okay. But. Remember the magnets up his nose . That was pretty dumb, right . Quarantinewhile, this pandemic has forced all americans to change their priorities a little bit which might explain why panicky men are stashing sperm like crazy right now. Im sorry to hear that these guys are so panicked. If only there was an activity they could engage in that would calm them down. Ideally, something that would take no longer than a few minutes. Quarantinewhile, a 93yearold woman in pennsylvania has gone viral after posting this photo of herself on the internet saying, i need more beer. Sure, she goes viral, but no response when i get on my roof with a flare gun and issue equally well, the photo rocketed around the internets and coors light dropped off 150 cans. So nice of coors light. And hopefully, someone will send beer. Well be right back. With mr. Steve martin. We are one world together at home, united in the fight against covid19. Tune in april 18 to participate in this historic global event. I was overwhelmed. And i didnt know where to begin. I came across sofi and it was the best decision of my life. I feel cared about as a member. Theres no extra costs for it or anything like that. Its all kinda like, through the app. Were getting a super competitive Interest Rate on our money. Were able to invest through the same exact platform. I really liked that they didnt have any hidden or extra fees. Sofi has brought me peace of mind. Truly thank you for helping me prepare for whatever the future has in store. Its all because sofi let us see light at the end of the tunnel. So thank you. Thank you. When taking a break from everyday life is critical to everyones health, there is one thing we can all do together complete the 2020 census. Your responses are critical to plan for the next 10 years of health care, infrastructure, and education. Lets make a difference, together, by taking a few minutes to go online to 2020census. Gov. Its for the wellbeing of your community and will help shape americas future. Petsmart has everything your pet needs and will help shape americas future. Delivered directly to your door. Or save 10 when you buy online and pick up in store. Now with curbside pickup. Shop petsmart. Com or download our mobile app today. Eveso we can stillg a answer your calls. Now. And we are monitoring our system 24 7 to ensure that we have a fast reliable network, keep the customers connected, and making sure people are staying safe. And were still on the road. Solving Critical Issues as they arise. Go to xfinity. Com prepare. Thank you. Stephen welcome back, everybody. I am very excited to announce a brand new segment here on the show. Its called stop steve martin from singing we are the world. it turns out that steve is a very sensitive guy, and he is dying to sing we are the world, and our job here at the show is to try and stop him for obvious reasons. So we now go live to steve martin, in the middle of the woods. Hi, steve hey, stephen, thanks for having me on. Stephen youre wel you know, stephen, i was thinking that something we, as people, need to remember right now is that we are all one. We are the. Stephen hey, steve, sorry to interrupt. Just curious. How did we get you on video so deep in the woods . Oh, my doorbell cam has a fourmile range. Which reminds me, even in these Uncertain Times, when neighbors cant come to our door, we are still part of a global neighborhood. We are the. Stephen thats great, steve, but i was really hoping to talk with you and just enjoy some Human Connection. That is so important i was just talking about Human Connection with my alexa, and she had some interesting things to say mainly, its important to remember that. We are the. Stephen hey, steve, thats a great message. But how else have you been helping during this time . Ive just been giving so much. Stephen thats wonderful. Like, donaou money . Y. Crazat iss we are the. Stephen steve, sorry. We actually have some questions for you from our viewers. Angela s. From grand rapids writes, hi, steve martin im a huge fan. Since im at home, i wanted to stream some of your movies. What would you recommend . You mean, are there any films of mine i wouldnt recommend . Ha ha anyway, angela, there is a song that id like to recommend. It goes. We are the world stephen nope, steve. Nice try. Another question from a viewer alex p. From tulsa writes, dear steve martin, what is the distance from the earth to the moon . 236,000 miles we are the world stephen okay, we have another viewer question this is from steve m. From los angeles. They write hey will you please let hollywood megatalent steve martin sing we are the world . we are the world nice try, steve, but im afraid we are all out of time. Thats it for stop steve martin from singing we are the world. thank you, steve martin well be right back. singing we are the world