Does it remind you of something . Reminds you of this, right . Bark. One more thing does it remind you of something . Reminds you of this, right . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, social distancing, plus stephen welcomes trevor noah, and musical guests willie, lukas and micah nelson, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody. Welcome to a late show. I am still your host Stephen Colbert. My crew is still one of my children. Tonight its my son john. Hello, john. You have to be louder than that. Hello stephen there you go. John is doing his homework. Hes in school about to graduate. What homework are you doing now . Im reading beloved by toney morrison. Is it funny . I havent read it. Stephen it could be a knee slapper. How many pages are yo on . Page 4. Stephen maybe theres a punchline coming up on the next page. I hope youhead a lovely weekend. Actually, i hope youhead a weekend because that means you can still differentiate the days of the week. I know that one of these past couple of days had to be a saturday because i, along with the jimmies, cohosted one world together at home which raised 120 million for the w. H. O. And frontline healthcare workers. Thank you, lady gaga, and thank you to all the corporations that donated money like cocacola and pepsi and spanx. If you wear them, they will firm up your but chin. Today is 420 whoo finally an excuse the stay at home, stay on the couch, eat knacks and binge watch in effect. The World Health Organization released a new fact sheet, alcohol and covid 19, what you need to know. The w. H. O. Warns alcohol compromises the bodys immune system and increases the risk of adverse outcomes. It can cause liver damage, heart disease, rick and morty tattoos and acute cases of, hey, yall watch this jump off of something. It follows guidelines like when working from home adhere to your usual workplace rules and do not drink. Well, thank goodness my usual workplace is super chill. Mmm, please work responsibly. You be who i bet could use a drink now . The fossil fuel industry. They had a by cza bizarre day. Oil prices sunk to historic lows, at one point reaching negative 40 a barrel. Negative 40 bucks i think that means when you go to the gas station, you get free gas and 40 worth of slim jims, to save their profits, Texas Oil Fields are immediately switching over to drilling for toilet paper. So how does negative oil pricing work . Well, because of quarantine, demand for fuels has plummeted, causing oil supplies to pile up. And now, Oil Producers are paying buyers to take the commodity off their hands over fears that Storage Capacity could run out. Is bad flz for the oil folks but great news for anyone who owns an aboveground pool. Weve all been selfisolating for over a month now, and some of us are starting to go a little kooky. Like a handful of idiots who were out this weekend protesting against social distancing. For instance, this man in washington state, carrying the sign give me liberty, or give me covid19. Buddy, youre in a large crowd, youre not wearing a mask, youre not six feet away from people, you might not need to choose. Many of the protesters lamented the loss of their everyday activities, like this woman in wisconsin with the sign i want a haircut. Looks like your sign has an error, heres a fixed one for you. It says, i want to endanger the lives of your grandparents in exchange for frosted tips. cause i get that this is a land of liberty, but these protesters arent just putting themselves at risk. The whole reason we are social distancing is to prevent spreading the virus, especially to our older relatives. I mean, theres a reason the boston tea partiers didnt throw nana in the harbor. If theres one thing this countrys unified about, its social distancing. On thursday, even trump encouraged social distancing. And the next day he tweeted in support of the protests liberate minnesota liberate michigan and liberate virginia and save your great second amendment. It is under siege yes, the second amendment. So important right now cause if you run out of lysol, you can shoot your groceries with an a. R. 15. Lets be clear trump is encouraging his followers to protest his own recommendations. Thats how much he needs to hear a chanting mob. Hes like angry tinker bell. as trump quick, kids, scream lock her up or ill die. Trump thinks these protests are justified because people are bored. I have seen the people, i have seen them interviews these are great people. Look, they want to get they call, cabin fever. You heard the term . Theyve got cabin fever. Stephen just because you have cabin fever doesnt give you the right to go out and spread fever fever trumps not the only one egging on the virushuggers. So is trump adviser and man choking on a peanut, stephen moore. Last week moore encouraged people to go out and protest in wisconsin by saying this we need to be the rosa parks here and protest against these government injustices. Stephen oh, that analogy is the Martin Luther king of dumb. I also want to point out tha moore is encouraging people to go out and risk their health and others on a zoom call from his living room. Such courage. Its like the climactic scene from braveheart. scottish accent they may take our lives, but they will never oops, im sorry. Im on mute. Let me know how the battle goes. Ill be on slack. Trump said a lot of other dumb stuff at his daily screamers this weekend. For instance, he continued to defend the job hes done on testing. And by defend, i mean lie you see so much about testing. What we have done is incredible. I started with an obsolete broken system from a Previous Administration or administrations. I inherited broken junk. Stephen you inherited broken junk . Thats a terrible way to talk about your fathers penis. Though there are very few good ways. Trump brought some props to help him out with the testing questions i have something here, just happen to have a swab. Looks innocent, not very complicated. Anybody like to see what it looks like . Should i open it . Open it up i will. I will. This is what it is about, right . Does it remind you of something . Reminds you of this, right . One is a swab, one is a qtip. Stephen i want to point out that a qtip is just the brand name of a swab. Its the same thing. It is actually different. It is very sophisticated, actually. Stephen i forgot that the longer something is, the more sophisticated it is. Thats why only true sophisticates measure their fruit by the foot. But trump spent the most time focused on the real hero him. In fact, and i appreciate it very much, the wall street journal wrote a fantastic piece, a highly respected gentlemen, christopher demouthe, and this piece was just in the wall street journal. The weekend edition. And trump rewrites the book on emergencies. He has vivified the american way and action once it was reluctantly aroused. It was hard to get it aroused, and it is hard to get it aroused, but we got it aroused. Stephen wall street journal, please dont associate the words trump and aroused. gagging then a reporter pressed trump on why he was spending so much time praising himself more than 22 million americans currently unemployed as a result of this. Today, we hit the milestone of more than 40,000 americans now having died of the coronavirus. Can you explain then why you come out here and you are reading clips and showing clips of praise for you and your administration . Is this the time for self congratulations . Well, i will tell you this. What i am doing is im standing up with the men and women that have done an incredible job, not for me, for the men and women. These people in hospitals, it is dangerous, it is going to a battlefield. I want these people i want you it is all about that. It is not about me. Nothing is about me. Stephen as trump there has never been a president who makes it less about me than me. Honestly, i dont get enough credit for making this not about me. I should get a medal that says most about not me. thanks to the pandemic, Small Businesses are suffering more than ever, which is why last month, the president signed off on 349 billion in grants known as the Paycheck Protection Program or p. P. P. Of course, trumps top advisers have their own Paycheck Protection Program known as d. A. D. Evidently, the program to save Small Businesses had a lot in common with Small Businesses, because it ran out of money on thursday. So the Paycheck Protection Program wasnt protected . Thats like your condom catching chlamydia. Thats not the only problem. Before the program went bankrupt, thousands of traditional Small Businesses were unable to get funding, because the money was snatched up by National Hotel and restaurant chains, like the publiclytraded company, ruths chris steak house. Come on, ruth doesnt need that money she already has her own chris hes constantly cooking her steaks of course, people got mad at all these big businesses who scooped up the cash. So today, one of them gave it back. The burger chain shake shack has agreed to return its 10 million government loan, saying, the money it received could be reallocated to the independent restaurants who need it most, and havent gotten any assistance. It then gave the independent restaurants a large plastic buzzer and said when this vibrates, come to the counter to get your cash. The money also didnt go to the industries and parts of the country that were hardest hit by covid. For instance, texas has the tenth largest coronavirus caseload, but still got more p. P. P. Loans than any other state. That explains why theyve changed their motto from the Lone Star State to just the loan state. Trump and pelosi traded insults all weekend. Pelosi went on fox news, and let trump have it hes a weak leader. He doesnt take responsibility. He places blames blame on others and that might have been okay before, but we cannot continue down a path that is again the president gets an f, a failure on the testing. Stephen chris wallace, why did you invite her on fox . Thats like your mom inviting your bully over for tea. as mom look who it is, honey its ben mccrackin. I showed him your underwear drawer so hell know what to grab at your next wedgie. Pelosi was also on this week with george, and he asked her what about trump shes afraid of im afraid that hes going to act on the set basis of what hes acted before. Its a hoax. Its magically going to disappear. Hes failed in the testing and the rest and the hoax and its going to magically disappear. Thats not based on science. This isnt magical. Stephen oh, really . Tell that to our next secretary of health and human services, criss angel. Weve got a show for you tonight. Ill be talking to trevor noah. Stick around. Thats when trevors going to be here. You know, around later when hes stuck. Life is too far to walk alone. You cant do it on your own but time will show and dont you know how bad we need each other . You know what im saying . Hmmm. Mmm. Mmmm. Mmmm frustrated that everyday activities cause wrinkles and theres nothing you can do about it . Now theres a solution downy wrinkleguard is a fabric conditioner that helps protect you from wrinkles all day. Just pour the dye free liquid into the rinse dispenser. After a day of wear, pants washed with downy wrinkleguard and detergent are virtually wrinklefree. It even comes unscented. If you dont love downy wrinkleguard, well give you your money back. Hold on one second. Sure. Okay. Okay safe drivers save 40 guys guys check it out. Safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him hes here. Hes right here. Hi hi. Hey thats totally him. Its him thats totally the guy. Safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Step by step, were going. To figure this out. Were gonna find a way through this. Were working really, really hard in hospitals, our nurses, our techs, all the docs. Its about staggering when people get sick so that the hospitals can cope. Were gonna go through an awful lot of these. All across puget sound, people have been stepping up and donating personal protective equipment. We stay at work. For you. You stay at home for us. Just know were all with you. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you doctors nurses. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to a late show. Before we go any further, please say hi to our friend jon batiste. Hello, everybody. Whats happening . Stephen i love your digs. Can you play with other people or only by yourself now. I can play by myself but with technology i can double or triple myself as many times as i want. Stephen i saw keith urban do that on saturday night. I saw you on there. That was nice. Stephen it was a lovely night. Yeah, and, you know, i like to see the rollingstones. I dont know how they made that work. They went different places. Stephen it was so great yeah. Yeah. Stephen im not sure if keith was playing. Really . You think he was faking it . Stephen he was mostly kind of petting it. Keith was mostly just petting the guitar. And Charlie Watts definitely wasnt playing. No, no, no. He was, like, air drumming. It was like the symbol was sounding but there was no symbol. Stephen im guessing what he did was he played the drums first and everybody played on top of him. You know, i think mick actually recorded first, if im not mistaken, because he was actually playing and singing. Seemed like everybody else recorded to his video. Stephen okay. All right. Thats the times were living in. Stephen ill ask him the next time i see him. Well, jon, good luck. Good luck in your splendid isolation. Yes, indeed. Ill be here. Stephen all right. Ill be here. Say hi to the 88s for us. Jon batiste, everybody. Joining me tonight is the host of the lat the daily show whs currently the daily distancing show on comedy central, trevor noah. Nice to see you. Whats happening, Stephen Colbert . Stephen just going doing a show like you. Just attempting to do a show is what were doing. Thats what this is. Stephen thats right. In many ways i felt bad about the situation were in until i saw nascar drivers losing their minds because driving virtually wasnt what they were used to in real life. I thought, okay, maybe im not the only one losing my mind trying to do what i do in this environment. Stephen one to have the crazy things is youre going through this very odd isolated experience and because of that, youre not actually aware all the time that every person is going through the same isolated experience. I mean, you know it intellectually. Yes. Stephen but just because of the nature of it, you dont get to see it happening to other people most of the time. Right, right. And i think whats weird is, because social media has always been a faux social experience, social media gives you the idea nothing has really changed when, in fact, everything has change. Its only when i go out for a walk and see new york city like ive never seen it before that i realize, like, the time were living in, because a lot of the time, online, you know, people are still doing viral challenges the same, people are still fighting the same, everything seems the same, but, man, were living in a different world is that have you learned anything about yourself while you have been in quarantine . What have i learned about myself . Ill be honest, i feel like im made for social distancing. Some of my friends are going crazy because they miss being outdoors. I dont miss being outdoors, going to movies, restaurants, the clubs, i dont miss walking, i dont miss anything. Im not going to lie to you. I miss people being able to live their normal lives. I miss living in a world where people have time to fight about other things and are not stressed by just being able to go outside. So that part of it, i miss. But for myself, i feel like i was made for this. This is how i wish i could live life, being forced to stay indoors and not being made to feel guilty every time i dont want to leave because its a beautiful day. People always do that, its so beautiful, why dont you go outside . I want to be inside. Now i have to be inside and im in heaven. Im not going to lie to you. Stephen were entering month two of doing the show from home. How are you maintaining your judgment in your head as to how to do material because you and i both are used to performing in front of live audiences. Thats how i came up, i know youre a standup. Were like musicians, the audience is the instrument. Right now were asked to read sheet music in our head and never get to hear any reaction. I feel like one of two things will happen, either i will come out on the other side of this as a better comedian or i will have no sense of where comedic timing lies and i will embark on an esoteric journey of telling people stories while im on stage. Im not going to lie to you, i dont know. Ive tried to remember every audience ive had the privilege of performing for the last 15 years and i try to think of where theyd laugh but i dont know. I just dont know. Stephen i thought i did it first. I thought i knew it first, but then after you do it for a month, youre going, wait a second, how would you say that line . How would you should you really because there . But theres nobody laughing. Why am i pausing . But all the rhythm makes you want to pause. Well, its imagine doing the zoom call by yourself, performing just to a camera would be the equivalent of. Stephen lets talk about the news a little bit, okay, mr. Fake news. Lets talk about this a second. Biden is going to be the nominee. Yes. Stephen i know you have a bernie. Do you have a biden . I dont have a biden. Stephen its hard. I dont have a biden. Biden doesnt look like a hook. He doesnt have a hook and hes not consistent in his speech patterns. Bernie has a specific rhythm when he speaks and his actions. Even obama has a specific rhythm and actions. Thats a pretty good stephen this is it. Thats a pretty good biden. Stephen thats all i have. Im white, i have big teeth and i have sunglasses. laughter hey, man i actually think its a pretty good biden. Stephen you thought you were one of the few people that i know back in 2016 whos like, no, trumps got a good shot at winning this. What do you think now . Of where we are right now . I dont think anything now. Before coronavirus, i thought trump had a good shot of winning again because, a, the democrats didnt seem to be able to get anything together and, b, like, the economy was great, and i always said to people from the beginning, trumps leadership had never been tested. People forget, every single iss