But dont take it from me. Take it from this jingle announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, bleach bum plus, stephen welcomes john mulaney. And musical guest john fogerty, featuring jon batiste and stay y homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Just hearing the band do the theme song is strangely moving. I forgot how much i missed hearing those guys its how many days . How many days have we been doing this . 40 days. This is the 40th day that i have been quarantined with my wife and kids. I feel like noah, but i only have one dog, and hes only interested in my leg. We all want haircuts at this point. I did something drastic tonight, i combed my hair in the other direction just for a change of pace and that was a bad idea. First of all, im getting a very p atrician flop over here. This the very mid70s jackson brown. Over here, theres a lot of empty real estate i didnt know was there. S usoved by combover. We should talk to the network and sell ad space there. It could say honda, mountain dew or v. W. Whos the sponsor right now . Claritin. Stephen stay claritin clear but youre really beginning to feel it, now, in week seven of this nationwide lockdown. Dont get me wrong. I will stay inside for as long as it takes. Im just saying, i didnt know i would run out of patience before i ran out of toilet paper. One of the most frustrating aspects of this whole lockdown is that there isnt one consistent message from our leadership. How come im still grounded and georgia gets to go out and play . Its not fair we both made the mistake of being mortal im sorry also, it would be easier to agree on what to do if we all knew how long we were supposed to do it. On friday, we got what appeared to be good news from Vice President pence if you look at the trends today that i think by memorial day weekend we will largely have this coronavirus epidemic behind us. Stephen great. Memorial day. Put away the n95 masks, break out the n95 bikinis. But yesterday, that idea got shot down by dr. Deborah birx social distancing will be with us through the summer. Stephen of course, shes going to say that. Shes always dressed for fall. The quarantines is driving everyone a little crazy, except donald trump. Its driving him a lot crazy. Take thursdays press briefing. After an expert from the department of Homeland Security told the media that disinfectants and sunlight were very effective against the virus on surfaces, trump floated this possible covid cure i see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do Something Like that, by injection inside or or a because you see it gets in the lungs, and it does a tremendous number on the lungs. So it would be interesting to check that. Stephen hes suggesting injecting bleach to fight coronavirus. Its not enough that his supporters are all white on the outside. Obviously, no one should do that. So, this weekend, people did it. Multiple states saw an uptick in calls to poison control, and trumps comments were universally reviled, so on friday, he did damage control. Mr. President , can you clarify your comments about injections of disinfectant . Theyre quite provocative i was asking the question sarcastically to reporters like you. Stephen oh, yeah, trump is famous for his sarcastic comments, like this one preserve, protect and defend the constitution of the united states. Stephen hilarious. Trump got so much heat for the comment that he threatened to stop doing press briefings at all, tweeting, what is the purpose of having white house news conferences when the lamestream media asks nothing but hostile questions, and then refuses to report the truth or facts accurately. They get record ratings, and the American People get nothing but fake news. Not worth the time and effort yes, its so hostile to quote the president to himself as trump look, my press briefings are all said in the strictest confidence. Whats said directly into a camera, stays directly into a camera. He didnt show up for the press briefing yesterday, although, the white house explained that it was melanias birthday. They celebrated by spending a quiet evening in separate rooms. They were social distancing trump also scrapped todays White House Press briefing, until it was announced, president realdonaldtrump will brief the nation during a press conference this evening. Wow, that flipped so fast, i got whiplash. Ill be fine. Ill inject some bleach into my spine. But strategically, this is a good move. He doesnt want last thursday to be the final impression of these briefings. as trump everybody drink poison. Donny t. Out trump vented his frustration at the media in general when will all of the reporters who have received noble prizes for their work on russia, russia, russia, only to have been proven totally wrong be turning back their cherished nobles . When will the Noble Committee demand the prizes back . When will the Noble Committee act . Better be fast ah, yes, the cherished noble prize, given to such laureates as Albert Einstain and Martin Burger king. Trump clearly meant the nobel prize, except there is no nobel prize for journalism, which the internet helpfully pointed out. So trump revived his new favorite defense, tweeting does anybody get the meaning of what a socalled noble not nobel prize is, especially as it pertains to reporters and journalists . Noble is defined as, having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals. does sarcasm ever work . sarcastically oh, sarcasm works greeeaaat. Sarcasms absolutely the best thing for a president to do in the middle of a pandemic. Youre doing amazing, mr. President. Trump might be trying to put a hold on his daily press conferences, but that doesnt mean hes given up on having an audience, because in june, trump will travel to west point to speak at the u. S. Military academy graduation. Unless he comes down with throat spurs. There is one catch. Like most colleges, west point already sent cadets home because of coronavirus, and now they have to bring back 1,000 cadets for trumps commencement address. Sure, thats hazardous. But those cadets trained to bravely serve wherever their commanderinchief sends them whether its iraq, syria, or egoslavia. Keep in mind, trump didnt run this speech idea by the military brass. West point officials said t making trump the first commander in chief to launch a sneak attack on his own army. Getting the cadets back to campus safely wont be easy. Returning seniors will be tested offcampus for the coronavirus. Those who test negative will then be sent to the school, where they will be monitored for 14 days before graduation. Thats a lot of buildup. It better be a great speech. as trump congratulations, class of 2020. As you embark on your journey, remember one time, no one said i could win, but after i won wisconsin it ld pretood. U the end. You can send them home now. Once theyre assembled, who knows how safe the cadets will actually be, because trump told reporters he did not like the look of a sociallydistanced graduation, saying he prefers ceremonies that are nice and tight. as trump i like it nice and tight. I want to be able to bounce a quarter off this graduation. Cadets, put on your dress spanx. Trumps not the only danger to our military. So is north korea. And theres a mystery brewing about north korean dictator and man they modeled lego heads after, kim jongun. Trumps little rocket buddy hasnt been seen in public for weeks, and rumors started flying when he failed to make a public appearance on april 15, which is north koreas most important holiday, the birthday of his grandfather and founder ofthmeky vuln people dr years. So where is kim jongun . Nobody knows. Last week, south korean media reported that kim may have undergone cardiovascular surgery. What . But hes so young and vibrant look at him laughing with his best friend, vat of lube. A south korean official claims the rumors are untrue. Instead, kim jongun is alive and well. He has been staying in the wansan area. Yes. I remember how sad my kids were when our dog rusty had to go stay in the wansan area. But that hasnt stopped people from wildly speculating. Its being reported that kim jongun is either in a vegetative state, alive and well, dead, braindead or just fine. Headlines shouldnt be multiple choice. Theres a reason we never saw war or, you know, peace. Of course, nobody knows whats really going on. And it would be irresponsible of me to speculate that kim jongun is alive or dead or, after a tragic accident at a lube factory, is now just a head in a jar. Which, i should not speculate, in a grotesque experiment, has been stitched to the body of a bear, which now roams the forests searching for more lube. Neither man nor beast, yearning for a love he will never feel. Thats just not true. Or is it . Its not. But it could be. Hes probably fine. Like i said earlier, quarantine continues for most people. You might have noticed, since you are one. And i wanted to celebrate you, the everyday heroes of social isolation, which is why i made these shirts, with all proceeds going to charity. You can get your own at colbertlateshow. Com unitedwestand. Thanks to you, today im happy to report that our shirts have raised 184,589. 37 for charity thats a lot of benjamins that money will be split between world central kitchen, where, everyday, our friend jose andres is helping put food on the table for hundreds of thousands of families who are out of work; and to givedirectly, which distributes cash to where it can do the most good, our nations poorest households. So if you havent gotten yours yet, head to colbertlateshow. Com unitedwestand. Get your shirt. Its a quality product. Weve got a great show for you today. My guest is comedian and stare of brdway, john mulaney. Sick around. Stick around. What does an apron have to do with insurance . An aprs l youve helped make something better. What does an apron have to do with insurance . Switch and get our lowest pricea on unlimited. Nt than ever. Just 25 dollars. 4 lines of unlimited from metro. 25 dollars each. Visit metro for details. Confident financial plans, calming financial plans, complete financial plans. Theyre all possible with a cfp® professional. Find yours at letsmakeaplan. Org. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. Hey, jon jon hello, hello. Whats happening . Stephen jon, i got to tell you, hearing the band together, doing the theme song is truly moving. I just love hearings play together again. Thank you. It feels good, and i feel like that sound has become so classic. It just brings me right back to the theater. Stephen yeah, there are so many reasons to get back to the theater. That is to hear you guys live, i miss it. The emergency you bring to it, when i heard that, totally ready to do a show. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It snaps you in. Stephen yeah. It really is a physical memory. Stephen yeah, and the energy that you guys play with is like, you know, like those magnetic levitation trains. Yes. Pmagnetic levitation for there entire show. Jon oh, my goodness. That moves my heart. Thats what we try to. Do we try to bring it every night so people can feel it everywhere. Stephen how did you do it . Jon so i recorded first and i was setting a click track to set the tone and get the vibe. So we had the click track as a reference and they could listen to me or the click track, and everybody layered on top of that and sent in the videos. Our team at the show, theyre amazing, they can put the stuff together from anywhere. Who knows how that happened. I wasnt part of that part. Stephen more, please. Jon oh, its coming. We have been cookin stephen good, because im hungry. Jon ha stephen good to see you. My guest tonight is a very funny comedian you know from, oh, hello, big mouth, and john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch. Please welcome john mulaney. Hey, stephen. Stephen hey, how are you riding out the quarantining . Im very lucky to be riding it out well, yeah. Stephen me, too. Very lucky to be healthy, very lucky to have a job right now that i can still sort of do. Jon yeah, you do have a job now. Stephen yeah, yeah. Legally, they have to pay me. Jon i feel, you know, theres a lot of terrible things happening. Theres a nice amount of camaraderie and were all doing the same thing at once. Stephen is that some solace for you that youre not alone . That all humanity is doing this . Jon its at least at best a comfort and at most and at least its a delightful, like, curiosity that every like, you know what . You, me, o. J. Simpson and meg ryan have in common. Stephen uh, gratefully had is a relationship with John Mellencamp . True. O. J. , if only he had written a song about that. But were also all quarantining. Stephen yeah. You, Stephen Colbert, teddy se val is, jr. ,y, quarantining. laughter stephen the Dal Dalai Lama . Is he . Stephen why would the dalai lama break the rules. Doesnt seem like his style. Though the chinese might have Something Different to say about that. Breaks rules when theyre worth breaking. Stephen yeah. Bond where are hes staying. I havent thought about the lama. Phen hes not crashing with me. No . Stephen no, but i bet hed be a great house guest. Hes always giggling. Thats one thing i love about he and desmond tutu, always giggling. Stephen not great. What. Stephen an adult man giggling, might be weird. Lets hear yours. giggles lets hear yours stephen giggling a lot of people are having odd dreams. Let me tell you mine quickly because im the guest toon. Its i dreamed i had to do my show but i had to do it someplace where nobody could find me. I would be in trouble if anybody could find me but i still had to do my show. Doctor . You would be in trouble if anyone found you . Stephen like the cops would find me doing my sew show. But i had to do the show and broadcast it but not anyplace the cops could find me. Thats yourself. Some part of you is conflicted about performing and cashing in im kidding about working during a time like this. Stephen oh, yeah. O your inner moral compass. Perhaps maybe a super ego. May be too far to one extreme. Stephen sure. You want to hide from that part of yourself that says why why am i making my children join a union and by my p. A. S . Stephen why must the show go on. Why must the show go on. Fair question. Stephen enough of me, as fascinating as i am. Please, john. That is a good dream. Having no training i knocked that out of the park. Stephen yeah. I wrote down a dream to tell you about because im perplexed by it for real. Stephen not every guest brings notes. Wonderful. Please. , teen wow. There you go. Good job. Okay, so heres the dream, stephen. I do an interview abrob riner, who i dont know in real life, and ive worked with rob riner in some small way. I am uncomfortable during this interview because i ton know him well enough and am selfconscious i would Say Something wrong. In this dream, as best as i can remember, rob riner is rob riner the derrick. Okay, i tell the interviewer three things, one overwhich i think rob riner might find too candid. So i sea him in a reception with floortoceiling windows. Theres no, maam light wood, too. He has read the interview and is almost done. He mentioned the first two of the tree things i said. He does not mention the one thing i was nervous about. Then he asked me to drive him around to see the Cherry Blossoms which are in season. We are in the car. Theres a sense we cannot get out of the car in a semicovid quarantine way. I keep pulling up super close to the Cherry Blossoms, like well be under a tree and the blossoms are tumping the windshield. I wrote, note, i am controlling the car from the passenger seat. I say, look, theres a cherry blossom. He doesnt acknowledge were seeing him. I am being overly polite. I am exhausted. We pull into the driveway, much like the kind i would see in my neighborhood in greenpoint when i was younger. I point to one. Its 430 on the clock. Ifall asleep the way i normally do if riding in the passenger seat of a car. I make up, 6 30 on the dot. Rob riner hands me a pill that is a medication i give my dog for acid reflux. He hands me the pill, says wake laughter stephen well, the first thing about the dream that it gets right is that rob riner is very demanding. laughter hell ask you to do all kinds of things and then you do it for him and hes, like, eh im surprised you dont know him because thats very much what hes like. I dont know him. Stephen hes a very lovely guy. In all in the family and a great director, too. Cen. Yeah. Stephen you know hey bloomed a couple of weeks ago, yeah. Stephen okay. I think its its an anxiety dream. Oh, yeah. I mean, youre showing rob riner the Cherry Blossoms and hes not having a good time, yeah is that but thats not the anxiety. The anxiety is you have said something to upset someone you admire, and they may or may not have heard what you said and will not reveal to you and, therefore, either lance the boil of anxiety or eliminate the boil of anxiety. They wont say to you, and, so, the pressure of the anxiety grows because of your ignorance about the degree to which you have hurt their feelings, if at all, has it keeps secret. It festers like a secret like car bunkle inside of your heart. Yes. Stephen i think you should just call him. I think i will. Im sure its about my parents but ill also give rob riner a call. Stephen yeah. Im a little upset with you right now. Go ahead. Stephen you havent said anything about my hair. Your hair . Stephen nothing different about you . I have cold my hair from the other side. I normally comb it this way. Its gotten so long, i had to do Something Different, i combed it the other way. I was about to ask you, the next question is your hair looks great. I said, no, bleep his hai. He hasnt said anything about my hair. Your hair does look great, by the way. Thank you, i appreciate it. Stephen and im glad to see it looks great because when i was thinking about people protesting about getting their haircut and getting shaggy, i thought, i cant imagine john mulaney shaggy. No, dont care for it. Not judging it but dont care for it. Stephen are you breaking the rules . Why do you look good . I charter a plane and i go to wisconsin and i drop in and get it cut. No, my wife anna marie was a Makeup Artist and hairstylist and still gives me fantastic haircuts. So she gave me one a couple of weeks ago. Stephen wow. Yeah. I dont know why i don like having facial hair of any kind, and it doesnt like being on me. Stephen can