Still a pretty good time. Without you by my side, the days drag, like my behind on the living room carpet. In closing, i feel its imperative to write the words ive waited so achingly long to epress squirrel barking announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight going the social distance blues stephen welcomes Senate Democratic leader Chuck Schumer and Paul Giamatti. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, whats going on . Nothin. Stephen nothins going on . Were doing a show is what were doing. These two these two and im very grateful to them these two are sitting there on their phones, paying no attention to me. I certainly hope you at home arent on your phones like my son and my wife. sighs some very eventful things going on. Stephen whats going on thats more important than you watching your father do a television show. My friend danny just shaved his head on instagram live. Stephen that is better than my show. Can i see a photo . Dont have a photo now. But eventually. Stephen whats so important about your phone over there. Nothing you need to know about. Stephen well, my birthday is coming up. If youre getting 15 and a half33, in case youre wondering. Hi, welcome to a late show, im your host stephen teach. Its the last day in april. April showers arent something i have been doing much in april. May, i may start showering in may. Not a word april 30th also marks the end of the federal social distancing guidelines and jed President Trump said they will not be extended further. So the answer to the question when will coronavirus resurge again . Is its gonna be may stephen trump was asked about the lapsing of the guidelines yesterday in the oval office so the current guidelines then will not be extended after tomorrow . Yeah, i think a way of saying it is theyll be fading out. Stephen come on, youre the government you should be more specific about what the rules are. Theres a reason why you dont see signs that say, speed limit no longer 55. Since trump has been royally shanking his Coronavirus Press conferences, hes got a new strategy invite individual governors to the oval office. Today, trump met with new jersey governor and nutcracker that wished to be a real boy, phil is ready to bounce right back. My mand. Metimes eet. Beha ink. Ph h got to be better than what you think. But thats just how i feel. Trump talked about the early fears of equipment shortages there was never a person that needed a ventilator that didnt get one. In any state. Not one person. So we didnt say, he didnt say get a ventilator, somebody passed away, somebody didnt make it. Now we had a mask problem. Now we have so many masks, we dont know what to do with them. Stephen heres an idea put one on mike pence. Then governor murphy used an analogy trump really like the liked about how the coronavirus tok them by surprise as mike tyson says, everyones got a plan until you get punched in the face. And we did. Stephen im not surprised trump relates to mike tyson theyre both 80s pop culture icons with horrible histories with women, who need no excuse to eat a human ear. as trump it is the bacon of the face. I love a good e. Ll. T. Trump tried to put a positive spin on how many cases of the coronavirus the u. S. Has. You have areas that are really at a very low point. And really hitting i always say, heading south quickly. And thats what we want. Stephen as trump things are really heading south quickly, i mean, the numbers are rapidly going down the tubes, just circling the drain, and thats what we want. One pundit was quick to respond to trumps heading south comment i do not think it means what you think it means. Stephen inconceivable trump didnt seem too worried about opening up too quickly and causing a second wave of cases. We will put out the embers and we will put out the flames. There will be pockets of fire, and well put them out. If you have, i call them burning embers, boom. Stephen of course, because the sound you associate with safely putting out a fire is boom. Trump just doesnt talk like a guy who knows what hes talking about. Can you imagine him as a doctor . as trump were gonna go in there and were gonna take the little knife and cocut, cut, snap, snap, and theres gonna be i call it blood. But were gonna say, no blood. then stitch. Then go in the place where the blood was and boom. trump also addressed why he thinks certain states dont need as much testing you have some governors that love the tests, you others that like doing it a different way, an oldfashioned way. Stephen is oldfashioned what youre looking for in medical care . I dont need these newfangled tests and swabs, just cover me in leeches and balance my humors. Trump also thinks that coming up with a vaccine is not that big a deal. So, this 100 scenario you are laying out, going back to the way it was. Is that before the vaccine or after the vaccine . So, a lot of progress is being made on the vaccine, but you never know. Right . You never know. If you dont have a vaccine, if that virus is gone, we are like where we were before. Stephen oh, where we were before good. So instead of being in a global pandemic, well go back to being completely unprepared for a global pandemic. That answer made no sense, as a reporter pointed out without a vaccine, sir, why do you think the virus will just be gone . Its going to go. Its going to leave. Its gonna be gone. It is going to be eradicated. Stephen as trump its going to go. Its going to leave. Its gonna slip out the back, jack. Make a new pla you mor 50 of these. Heres the thing trump doesnt want everything to go back to normal because were ready. He wants everything to go back to normal because hes bored i have been at the white house for many months, and id like to get out. Stephen mr. President , wed all like to get you out of the white house. Theres one activity trump especially misses his rallies. Hopefully in the not too distant future well have some massive rallies and people will be sitting next to each other. I cant imagine a rally where you would have every fourth seat full. Every six seats are empty for everyone that you have full. That wouldnt look too good. Stephen yeah, that sounds horrible. Ldke this. But its not just his own rallies he wants dangerously full, its also everywhere else i had one Restaurant Owner come up to me and said, sir im going to be opening up, but, if i distance too much, i have 50 of the restaurant i had. And i said, you will also have a worse atmosphere. Stephen wow, nice job, as trump nchief. I said, it will also have a worse atmosphere and make less money. I guess what im saying is, your restaurant is heading south quickly. And thats what we want. Multiple polls show trumps trailing joe biden in swing states, but in an interview he said, i dont believe the polls. I believe the people of this country are smart. And i dont think that they will put a man in whos incompetent. Youre right, the people of this country wouldnt. The electoral college, on the other hand, is fine with it. But despite not believing in these polls, he still found someone to blame them on Trump Campaign manager and what happens when your local militia pools their money to buy one suit, brad parscale. On friday, trump berated parscale for the damaging poll numbers, and at one point even threatened to sue him. Sue him . Thats not how you handle disappointment. Im sorry, sir, we stopped serving breakfast at 11 00. as trump well, youll be hearing from my lawyers from the firm of butterworth, jemima, and mcmuffin that bagel guys a tough cookie. But they were able to hash things out after parscale brought polling numbers that were more positive for trump, and the president seemed in a far better mood. Yes, im sure. And im being told we have a copy of that poll. There you go. Trump claims this whole spat with parscale is overblown, tweeting late last night just told that fake news cnn is falsely reporting that i was recently shouting at my Campaign Manager over made up nonsense. Actually, he is doing a great job, i never shouted at him been with me for years including the 2016 win, and have no intention to do so. Just fake news yeah, thats ridiculous. I can you agine trump ending a relationship hes had with someone for years . Each state is tackling reopening differently. Some are going full mad max. Because recently, georgia announced theyll be allowing teens to get their license with just parental approval, scrapping drivers tests. Okay, they are going to be a bunch of untested teenagers driving. So, if youre headed to georgia, stay off the roads, its much safer to take the midnight train. Whoo whoo the change was enacted through executive order by georgia governor and dad who did too much coke before the fatherdaughter dance, brian kemp. And according to his rules, teens whove had their learners permit for over a year, can now simply go online and obtain their license after getting a parent or guardians okay. Now, if youre worried that kids will just forge their parents signatures, youre smarter than the governor of georgia. Driving schools are hopeful that this plan will work, with one mostarenont just sign offping on those 40 hours, im hoping most will take the time and drive with their kids before they let them obtain their drivers license. Were talking about parents whove been trapped in their houses with teenagers for seven weeks. Im guessing theyre going to take the time to say, do you know how to open the garage . Great. The pedal on the right is go. Heres 20 bucks, and a fake i. D. Go buy me some wine. Weve got a show for you tonight. Ill be talking to senate my in order to leader Chuck Schumer. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer. But when we come back, meanwhile hcare community, working to care for all of us. At novartis, we promise to do our part. As always, were doing everything we can to help keep cosentyx accessible and affordable. If you have any questions at all, call us, email us, visit us online. Were here to help support you when you need us. Take care, and be well. To learn more, call one eight four four cosentyx or visit cosentyx. Com life is too far you cant do it on your own but time will show and dont you know how bad we need each other . You know im. Mmm. Mmmm. M witpeople at higher riskng, must take extra precautions. You are at higher risk if you are over 65, or if you have an underlying medical condition, like heart disease, chronic lung disease, diabetes, or if your immune system is compromised for any reason. If youre at higher risk, stay six feet or two arm lengths away from others. Better yet, stay home if you can. The choices you make are critical. Please visit coronavirus. Gov for more information. And i like to question your im yoevery move. N law. Like this left turn. Its the next one. You always drive this slow . How did you make someone i love . That must be why youre always so late. I do not speed. And thats saving me cash with drivewise. My son, he did say that you were the safe option. And thats the nicest thing you ever said to me. So get allstate. Stop bossing. Where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. This is my sons favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady . [tina] youre an old lady. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the late show. And please say hello to our friend jon batiste. Jon, how are you today . Im good. Im a little hungry. Im thinking of cooking some red beans and rice. Stephen whoo jon yeah. Stephen now, your moms recipe . Jon yeah, exactly. My moms recipe, one of thes okd up a few and im kind of going into a red beans battle with him. Im going to have to dry ice him my plate. Stephen its a red bean throwdown . Jon yeah, thats what we call it, the red bean throw down. And youve got to have the right ingredients and i just got them shipped in, so im about to do it. Stephen good luck with that. Jon yes, yes. Stephen save me some. Jon oh, i will. They might turn by the time we see each other again, but ill get you next time. Stephen all right. Jon batiste, everybody. You know, i spend a lot of time in here measuring out the finest barrelaged news stories, tossing in some handblended aromatic bitters, then shaking and stirring them into the upscale hipster aperitif that is my monologue. But sometimes sometimes, i like to bathtub with grain alcohol, stir in a halffinished box of welchs grape juice and a glade plugin, and let it fester a couple weeks, to create the railyard hooch of news that is my quarantined meanwhile segment quarantinewhile fill my. Quarantinewhile, even though all other sports have been sidelined, somehow the pandemic hasnt stopped sumo wrestling. Well, i believe making those men wrestle for their entertainment is dangerous and irresponsible, and japan should go back to sensible game shows like this. shouting crazy way to pick a prime minister. But i guess they have to let them fight. If they dont let them out now and then, those sumo wrestlers might start stress eating. One major u. S. Bookmaker said his company decided to add sumo wrestling to its Sports Betting offerings because it was one of the few professional leagues still operating. Great. So your coworker who wont shut up about fantasy football, now wont shut up about fantasy sumo. I cant believe how bad fujiazuma shanked it this weekend i should have drafted kagayaki hes got a way better oshidashi what do you mean im fired . so the sumo continues, but without a crowd. One fan watching the matches on youtube found the experience different, saying, you could hear everything. You could hear them fart, you could hear grunting, stuff you dont usually hear. Yeah, usually to hear fat men farting and grunting while watching sports you have to go to a buffalo wild wings. Quarantinewhile, yesterday morning, there was a flyby of earth by this asteroid which, observers have pointed out, has features that make it look like the asteroid remembered to wear a mask. Proving once again, even a lifeless, frozen rock is smarter than mike pence. Quarantinewhile, in what may be a medical first, a womans silicone breast implants helped deflect a bullet and save her life. So starting next year, Police Bulletproof Vests will be slightly modified quarantinewhile, in moon newwwwws, nasa has announced they will shoot lasers at the moon to help find water. Oh, great. When this is over, you know theyre gonna be pushing it on you in restaurants. Would you like tap, sparkling, or moon . Nasas plan is to create a spacecraft that will use its nearinfrared lasers to shine light into shaded polar regions on the moon, while an onboard reflectometer will measure surface reflection and composition. Which sounds very complicated, but nasa did provide this helpful simulation video of their moon laser lo julers and gymnasts in a traveling circus are stuck in a texas parking lot amid the lockdown. Thats terrible. Its nearly impossible to socially distance in a car with 50 other clowns. I said six feet, waffles quarantinewhile, the federal Aviation Administration is investigating an aircraft incident at Hawthorne Airport last friday involving actor harrison ford. It seems ford was piloting a plane that crossed a runway when another plane was trying to land. This is nothing new. Harrison ford has a history of flouting aviation safety rules. Get off my plane stephen crossing a runway los like its time to sit him down and have a difficult talk. Listen, i think you knew this day was coming, but you seem a little confused behind the wheel these days, so. Were taking away the keys to the millennium falcon. We cant risk you making the jump to hyperspace through a jamba juice. Through a starbucks. Its a distance, not a time im sorry. Im sorry. Quarantinewhile, a texas zoo is opening back up to the public with a drivethru experience. From the security of inside their vehicle, visitors will be able to see lions, tigers, and bears. Oh, my. This is great news for anyone whos ever thought, i wish birds werent the only animals pooping on my car. Quarantinewhile, a swedish city will spread manure at a festival venue to discourage crowds at an upcoming scandinavian holiday usually marked with bonfires and singing and dancing to folk songs. A Music Festival where the grounds are covered in poop . That. Is a Music Festival. Well be right back with Senate Democratic leader Chuck Schumer. vo at sprint, our priority is keeping our customers, employees, and communities safe. During these Uncertain Times we want you to get the Great Service you expect without leaving the safety of your home. Sprint. Com makes shopping easier by offering free next day shipping and no activation fees on our best new phone deals, like the amazing iphone 11 for just 15 a month when you switch. For now sprint. Com is the best way to learn about our plans, buy new phones and get the services you need. Stay healthy and go to sprint. Com today. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com im going to start the bidding at 5. Thank you, sir. Looking for 6. 6 over there do i hear 7 . 7 in the front 7 going once. Going twice. Sold to the onion lover in the front row next up is lot number 17, a spinach and artichoke dip, beautifully set in a hollowedout loaf of sourdough bread. Dont get mad get e trade and get more than just trading investing. Banking. Guidance. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. So meet eno, the capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Whats in your wallet . Stephen welcome back. Joining me this evening is a senator who has represented the state of new york for over 30 years. Please Welcome Senate minority leader, Chuck Schumer senator, how are you doing . How are you riding out your quarantine . I am here at my house. I have been here for five weeks. We finished the covid bill, three five weeks agovoteat 1. Couldnt wait to get home and be with my family. I have been here ever since. Ive only tumped vowr humans in the last four weeks. My wife, daughter, soninlaw and my 16mo gran. I work 247. I sleep about three hours, theres so much to do. The most exhausting hour is the hour im assigned to chase noah around the house. Were not child proof anymore. He pulse the books off the shelves, bangs the pots and pans. I only got in trouble once, i was on the phone and he b