Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

Good time come on, come on everyone together summer feels fit forever come on, come on everyone together its a late show with stephen colbert. Tonight sicko de mayo. Plus, stephen welcomes stephen king and musical guest sheryl crow featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its stephen colbert. Stephen oh, hi and welcome to a late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. Happy Cinco De Mayo to all of our mexican, mexicanamerican, and mexicurious viewers. I just want to say, have a wonderful day, in spanish. Cinco de mayo is really handy this year, because its the first time ive been sure of the date in two months. Thanks to Cinco De Mayo, i know its the cinco of mayo. But this tweet i posted last Cinco De Mayo has not aged well happy Cinco De Mayo 2019 i cant wait to go to a crowded bar and get some corona in me oh, big news from the endangered world of listening to scientists, because we learnedts to wind down the Coronavirus Task force. No dont do that we still nee it would be like if apollo 13 went like this houston, we have a problem. Roger, apollo 13, were going to start winding down mission. Control. Byeee, felicia stephen when trump said as the weather gets warmer, it would miraculously go away, i didnt know he meant our response. So far, the information is a little murky, because Officials Say the task forces gradual demise might never be formally announced. So we might not ever really know what happened to the group that was supposed to let us know what was really happening . How will we find out . Do we need a Coronavirus Task force task force . Of course, the warning signs on the task force have been there for a while. Trump has stopped linking his news briefings on the virus to the Task Force Meetings and no longer routinely arrays Task Force Members around him in his public appearances. Yes, because the reason no one trusted those briefings was everybody else. as trump hey, guys, im breaking up the band. From now on, its just going to be the guy everyone is there to see president ringo. Privately, trumps advisers have been telling him that talking about the Health Implications of this virus is politically risky, so instead, the focus will be on therapeutics, Vaccine Development, and testing. Basically, it looks like trumps going to try and declare victory over the coronavirus before the if thats true, hes going to want to go down to the basement of the white house and dig out that gently used banner but hell want to make a small change. Transmission accomplished. And the task force arent the only experts hes ignored. We now have more evidence, former director of the Biomedical Advanced Research and Development Authority and special agent in a tnt crime drama thats somehow been on for nine seasons, dr. Rick bright. Now, despite being an expert in his field which, again, is Vaccine Development bright was ousted from his job earlier this year after he refused to toe the white house line on coronavirus. Today, bright filed an extensive whistleblower complaint. Bright says he tried to sound the alarm about covid9 back in january, but was met with indifference, which then developed into hostility, or as they call it in the white house, the full melania. The complaint goes on it was obvious that dr. Brights persistent demands for urgent action to respond to the pandemic had caused a bleep storm and were unwelcoe in the office of the h. H. S. Secretary. You see, during that time, the white house was trying desperately to play down the bleep storm, saying it was a nothing more than seasonal turdsprinkle. Bright also pushed back on administration cronyism, saying he resisted efforts to extend a contract with a Company Whose c. E. O. , he was told, was a friend of Jared Kushner. Well, im not sure that one checks out. I find it hard to believe that Jared Kushner has friends. Now, were in week ocho of the quarantine, and trump is anxious to get the economy moving again, as he explained in todays rare quarantine edition of. Chopper talk. Stephen trump was on his way to tour a Honeywell Aerospace factory in arizona thats making n95 masks, and he was pretty excited hello, everybody. So, im leaving for arizona. Were going to be at the honeywell plant, which is doing great work for us. And it will be, i think, a great day. Stephen wow, thats a but then again, trump has always seen the glass as half full of bleach. Given mike pences maskfree mayo clinic debacle, reporters were eager to know whether. Trump would be wearing one. Reporter will you wear a mask . If its a mask facility, yeah, i will. Stephen of course, you wouldnt want to wear a mask somewhere stupid like a hospital. as trump ill only wear a mask if its a mask facility. Same way i only eat cheesecake at the cheesecake factory, and i only take a bath at bed bath beyond. Trump was then asked whether it was right to open the country when new projections show tens of thousands moe fatalities. Look, models have been very inaccurate. Ive seen models that are very inaccurate. Stephen its true. He has seen models that were very inaccurate. He couldve sworn they were 18. The question of how soon we should reopen the economy is a tough one, as explained by current top goverment epidemiologist and former microscope zaddy, dr. Anthony fauci. How do you combat peoples willingness to accept more cases, to accept even more death . Well, you know, its the balance of something thats a very difficult choice. Like, how many deaths and how much suffering are you willing to accept to get back to what you want to be, some form of normality, sooner rather than later . Stephen its an ageold idea once posed by nathan hale i regret that you have but one life to give so i can go bowling. Woo mark it it seems really doubtful that we can reopen the economy this soon and keep the disaster under control. But, of course, anyone whos seen donald trump knows hes always wants to have his cake and grope it, too. Because even though trump made a big deal about releasing his own social distancing guidelines, he now shows no problem with states that ignore them. Just like moses coming down from the mountain and crying, behold these Ten Commandments but if you really want to get the economy humming, i hear golden calves are a bigticket item. One man who agrees with the president and former new jersey governor and closest ill ever had to an ed mcmahon, chris christie. Christie says we have a patriotic duty to get the economy moving again. Stephen yes, shopping during a pandemic is exactly Like Fighting hitler. Im sure years from now, our sacrifice will be immortalized in the movie saving private ryan 20 on select items. And its not just people youve heard of taking a stand. Theres also ohio state representative and joseph a blank stare, nino vitale. Last week, ohios governor recommended that all ohioans wear a mask in public to prevent the spread of coronavirus, but yesterday, vitale said that he refuses to wear a face mask because god created humans without one. Okay, adam and eve didnt wear masks. But they also didnt wear pants. So im callin b. S. Until nino holds a press conference like. This. Vitale thinks the face isex, when we think about the image and likeness of god, do we think of a chest or our legs or our arms . We think of a face. Yes, we do. And its morgan freemans. Vitale wrapped it up, saying of the face, thats the image of god right there, and i want to see it in my brothers and sisters. Classic goodguy statement i want to look you in the eyes while i kill you. Now, there is one politician out there fighting back against the rush to open the economy new york governor and vampire seeing the sunrise one last time before bursting into flames, andrew cuomo. At his daily press briefing, cuomo challenged the idea that we should sacrifice peoples lives for the economy. The fundamental question, which were not articulating, is how much is a human life worth . Thats the real discussion that no one is admitting openly or freely, but we should. To me, i say cost of human life, a human life is priceless. Period. Stephen i gotta say thats a refreshing contrast to trumps position a human life is worth about one trip to buffalo wild wings. And there is good news for poom who always wanted to suffer at sea because Carnival Cruise lines plans to sail again starting in august. That is insane going on a cruise right now would be the worst idea for a boat trip since boat trip. And theres big news out of italy, a. K. A. Europes florida. Italy was one of the countries hardest hit by the pandemic. But as of monday, millions of people are returning to work in italy after weeks in lockdown. Finally, italians can get back to work making pizza, preparing tax forms, performing openheart surgery. Thats aspicy amalpractice. Italys Prime Minister says italians are now free to visit people with whom they enjoy stable affection, which may include lovers. Of course, for lonely italian farmers, stable affection means something totally different. Oh, trump recently took an hour out of his busy schedule during ede pandemic to sit down with he may skip the correspondents dinner. That is breaking news, because donald trump is not a guy who usually skips cirn. Edia starts g him fairly and claims he had a good time back in 2011, but he had some harsh words for one former host. Its nice to know that trump is staying laser focused on the ball during a crisis. Reminds me of f. D. R. december 7, 1941, a date that will live in infamy because groucho marx is a notalent hack. Im a three stooges man woo woo woo woo stephen trump went on how do these guys get jobs . I dont get it. How does a seth meyers, how does colbert has no talent. Theres nothing funny about him, nothing funny. You look at some of these people and you say, how do they get a job . Well, i cant speak for seth. Hes very talented, but im an idiot. The only reason i have a job is because i married the daughter of donald cbs, and for some reason, he keeps putting me in charge of everything. Another work from home day in the books. Time for a [whistle] charlie, cocktail . Bobby . Mimi . Rodrigo, marchello . Professor smith, would you care to join me for a cocktail in the lounge . Uncle cliff, look at you. Maurice have you met kendall . Kendall have you met maurice . Elanor, back from paris i see. Miss livingston, care to set the mood . Well, i believe were in good company. Lets drink to that. Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. The family has to share one. Are expensive, step up with boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones when you switch or dont and prepare to lose some furniture got it step up with boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month or dont and remodel the living room switch to boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones, all on our super reliable, super fast network. As an essential service, boost mobile is committed to keeping you connected by remaining open. Just in case i see your face i may be acting crazy now its getting late they took my heart away but ill be okay, cause in my dream world im still your dream girl ooh, im still your dream girl ooh stephen welcome back, everybody im here just scatin with my friend jon batiste. Babado. Stephen are you writing anything jon . Are you write anything music right now . I am writing a lot of music. I was listening to joe beam. Antonio carlos joe beam. Stephen i dont know joe beam. He wrote the girl from impnina stephen oh, so smooth jon woo stephen jon, could you play us a little song before we go on . Jon yeah, yeah, yeah, lets get happenin. Stephen jon batiste, everybody you know, i spend a lot of time out here carefully picking the ripest news berries from the topical coffee tree, gently handpulping them to remove the bean tem perfection toat strong, yet delicate, italian espresso that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to throw together a halffinished can of and a shot of fireball to create the lawsuitready bootleg energy drink of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, florida deputies arrested a man who had been living out his quarantine on a shuttered disney world island. Of course, he had no chance of hiding from the police. Its a small world, after all. Quarantinewhile, Many Americans cant wait for the lockdown to end so they can have their sports back. And some sports arent waiting. Recently, the professional bull riding tour became the first sport to return since the covid19 shutdown. I say, if you really want to bring back bull riding, each rider gets eight seconds to try to put a mask on it. The event was held on a ranch in oklahoma with no fans in attendance, and some say professional bull riding or p. B. R. May have set the template for all other major sports now to follow. Yes, all sports should follow their model. I, for one, cant wait to see the bulls vs. Bulls. The event had no audience, and precautions were taken for riders, who were provided custom masks along with protective gloves and safety glasses, because, as the c. E. O. Of p. B. R. Put it, you cant be too safe. Its a weird comment from the sport of bull riding. Ronnie, i dont care if you just got trampled by a 1,600pound animal. Please cough the blood into your and its not just bull riding. Nascar is scheduled to make its return to racing on sunday, may 17. The event will have no audience but will air live on fox, mrn, and Siriusxm Nascar radio. Oh, theres nothing like curling up around the radio to listen to some nascar, then maybe smell a hockey game and lick a track meet. Quarantinewhile, according to a new survey, the cuomo brothers are now more desired than the Jonas Brothers. Let me be the first to say i did not realize those sets of brothers were after the same demographic. Being hot is the Jonas Brothers thing. Were the cuomos brothers also voted more handy than the Property Brothers and more italian than the mario brothers . The survey was conducted by long island matchmaker and matchmaker who is clearly from long island, maureen tara nelson. Every year, nelson asks her clients who they consider an ideal mate, and in her latest batch of responses, the cuomo brothers won in a tie for the most handsome men in new york. So, i guess the cats out of the bag. I dont live in new york. This next story belongs to my longrunning meanwhile subsegment, meatwhile. Meatwhile, costco is limiting how much meat customers can buy. Its really strange to hear the words thats enough from a retailer that will literally sell you a 72pound wheel of cheese. Quarantinewhile, bestselling young adult author Stephenie Meyer has announced the publication of a new twilight book called midnight sun. great news for fans of the original books, but a tough break for my competing series doug, the very horny vampire. But this isnt exactly a new story. The book is actually a retelling of the first book from the vampires perspective and this version is much longer. Because the only thing better than a story youve already heard, is a story youve already heard that takes much longer. But this does bode well for more retellings of popular y. A. Novels, like the new Harry Potter Series from voldemorts perspective tom riddle and the annoying kid with glasses i keep trying to kill. Thats it for quarantinewhile. When we come back, one of my producers lets his child cut his hair. Its worth sticking around. Keep it clean with the roomba robot vacuum. Only roomba uses 2 multisurface rubber brushes to clean all your floors. And with patented dirt detect technology, roomba finds dirt throughout your home. If its not from irobot, its not a roomba. [sniffing] dont get mad. Get e trade and get more than just trading. Investing. Banking. Guidance. More than ever, your home is your sanctuary. Thats why lincoln offers you the ability topang dealers. An effortless transaction all without leaving the comfort and safety of your home. Thats the power of sanctuary. And for a little extra help, receive 0 apr financing and defer your first payment up to 120 days on the purchase of a new lincoln. 16. laughter how many pints of iced tea are left in the pitcher . Times. Ten. So, wait. errhhhhh do you want to show us the continents on the. No. It is not going good. My mom is getting stressed out. speaks hebrew mommas tired. I, im, like. Woooo. screams sighs heavily so, starting just quickly by breathing in. I never thought id say this, but i kind of miss school the teachers, i mean, yall are gifted people i thank you so much for what youre doing. Their investment into our children is beyond what we can even imagine. Appreciate all that you do. No surprise, im still at home. And chances are, so are you. But while most of us are doing our part to stay home and stay safe, some protesters have actually been risking infection by taking to the streets and demanding nonessential services, like haircuts for example, this protester in wisconsin with an i want a haircut sign. And this guy in los angeles who demanded to know who do i have to screw for a haircut . A sign that really should have read, is there any haircut i could get that would make someone sexually attracted to me . Now, some states have started loosening restrictions on nonessential businesses, but in places like new york, salons and barbershops remain closed. Weve been locked up for almost two moths now, and were getting a little shaggy. But that does not mean you cant still find ways to look good. In fact, one of my producers, barry, recently wanted a haircut, and instead of storming the nearest government building with an automatic weapon, he thought of a way to get one at home. Jim. Stephen hey, barry. Hey, stephen. Stephen how long has it been since you got a haircut . At a guess, five months. Stephen five months . You know weve only been sequestered for 6 weeks. Is there anything youre going to miss about having the long hair . The one thing i will miss is the ability to do this. Stephen what Cinco De Mayo<\/a> to all of our mexican, mexicanamerican, and mexicurious viewers. I just want to say, have a wonderful day, in spanish. Cinco de mayo is really handy this year, because its the first time ive been sure of the date in two months. Thanks to Cinco De Mayo<\/a>, i know its the cinco of mayo. But this tweet i posted last Cinco De Mayo<\/a> has not aged well happy Cinco De Mayo<\/a> 2019 i cant wait to go to a crowded bar and get some corona in me oh, big news from the endangered world of listening to scientists, because we learnedts to wind down the Coronavirus Task<\/a> force. No dont do that we still nee it would be like if apollo 13 went like this houston, we have a problem. Roger, apollo 13, were going to start winding down mission. Control. Byeee, felicia stephen when trump said as the weather gets warmer, it would miraculously go away, i didnt know he meant our response. So far, the information is a little murky, because Officials Say<\/a> the task forces gradual demise might never be formally announced. So we might not ever really know what happened to the group that was supposed to let us know what was really happening . How will we find out . Do we need a Coronavirus Task<\/a> force task force . Of course, the warning signs on the task force have been there for a while. Trump has stopped linking his news briefings on the virus to the Task Force Meetings<\/a> and no longer routinely arrays Task Force Members<\/a> around him in his public appearances. Yes, because the reason no one trusted those briefings was everybody else. as trump hey, guys, im breaking up the band. From now on, its just going to be the guy everyone is there to see president ringo. Privately, trumps advisers have been telling him that talking about the Health Implications<\/a> of this virus is politically risky, so instead, the focus will be on therapeutics, Vaccine Development<\/a>, and testing. Basically, it looks like trumps going to try and declare victory over the coronavirus before the if thats true, hes going to want to go down to the basement of the white house and dig out that gently used banner but hell want to make a small change. Transmission accomplished. And the task force arent the only experts hes ignored. We now have more evidence, former director of the Biomedical Advanced Research<\/a> and Development Authority<\/a> and special agent in a tnt crime drama thats somehow been on for nine seasons, dr. Rick bright. Now, despite being an expert in his field which, again, is Vaccine Development<\/a> bright was ousted from his job earlier this year after he refused to toe the white house line on coronavirus. Today, bright filed an extensive whistleblower complaint. Bright says he tried to sound the alarm about covid9 back in january, but was met with indifference, which then developed into hostility, or as they call it in the white house, the full melania. The complaint goes on it was obvious that dr. Brights persistent demands for urgent action to respond to the pandemic had caused a bleep storm and were unwelcoe in the office of the h. H. S. Secretary. You see, during that time, the white house was trying desperately to play down the bleep storm, saying it was a nothing more than seasonal turdsprinkle. Bright also pushed back on administration cronyism, saying he resisted efforts to extend a contract with a Company Whose<\/a> c. E. O. , he was told, was a friend of Jared Kushner<\/a>. Well, im not sure that one checks out. I find it hard to believe that Jared Kushner<\/a> has friends. Now, were in week ocho of the quarantine, and trump is anxious to get the economy moving again, as he explained in todays rare quarantine edition of. Chopper talk. Stephen trump was on his way to tour a Honeywell Aerospace<\/a> factory in arizona thats making n95 masks, and he was pretty excited hello, everybody. So, im leaving for arizona. Were going to be at the honeywell plant, which is doing great work for us. And it will be, i think, a great day. Stephen wow, thats a but then again, trump has always seen the glass as half full of bleach. Given mike pences maskfree mayo clinic debacle, reporters were eager to know whether. Trump would be wearing one. Reporter will you wear a mask . If its a mask facility, yeah, i will. Stephen of course, you wouldnt want to wear a mask somewhere stupid like a hospital. as trump ill only wear a mask if its a mask facility. Same way i only eat cheesecake at the cheesecake factory, and i only take a bath at bed bath beyond. Trump was then asked whether it was right to open the country when new projections show tens of thousands moe fatalities. Look, models have been very inaccurate. Ive seen models that are very inaccurate. Stephen its true. He has seen models that were very inaccurate. He couldve sworn they were 18. The question of how soon we should reopen the economy is a tough one, as explained by current top goverment epidemiologist and former microscope zaddy, dr. Anthony fauci. How do you combat peoples willingness to accept more cases, to accept even more death . Well, you know, its the balance of something thats a very difficult choice. Like, how many deaths and how much suffering are you willing to accept to get back to what you want to be, some form of normality, sooner rather than later . Stephen its an ageold idea once posed by nathan hale i regret that you have but one life to give so i can go bowling. Woo mark it it seems really doubtful that we can reopen the economy this soon and keep the disaster under control. But, of course, anyone whos seen donald trump knows hes always wants to have his cake and grope it, too. Because even though trump made a big deal about releasing his own social distancing guidelines, he now shows no problem with states that ignore them. Just like moses coming down from the mountain and crying, behold these Ten Commandments<\/a> but if you really want to get the economy humming, i hear golden calves are a bigticket item. One man who agrees with the president and former new jersey governor and closest ill ever had to an ed mcmahon, chris christie. Christie says we have a patriotic duty to get the economy moving again. Stephen yes, shopping during a pandemic is exactly Like Fighting<\/a> hitler. Im sure years from now, our sacrifice will be immortalized in the movie saving private ryan 20 on select items. And its not just people youve heard of taking a stand. Theres also ohio state representative and joseph a blank stare, nino vitale. Last week, ohios governor recommended that all ohioans wear a mask in public to prevent the spread of coronavirus, but yesterday, vitale said that he refuses to wear a face mask because god created humans without one. Okay, adam and eve didnt wear masks. But they also didnt wear pants. So im callin b. S. Until nino holds a press conference like. This. Vitale thinks the face isex, when we think about the image and likeness of god, do we think of a chest or our legs or our arms . We think of a face. Yes, we do. And its morgan freemans. Vitale wrapped it up, saying of the face, thats the image of god right there, and i want to see it in my brothers and sisters. Classic goodguy statement i want to look you in the eyes while i kill you. Now, there is one politician out there fighting back against the rush to open the economy new york governor and vampire seeing the sunrise one last time before bursting into flames, andrew cuomo. At his daily press briefing, cuomo challenged the idea that we should sacrifice peoples lives for the economy. The fundamental question, which were not articulating, is how much is a human life worth . Thats the real discussion that no one is admitting openly or freely, but we should. To me, i say cost of human life, a human life is priceless. Period. Stephen i gotta say thats a refreshing contrast to trumps position a human life is worth about one trip to buffalo wild wings. And there is good news for poom who always wanted to suffer at sea because Carnival Cruise<\/a> lines plans to sail again starting in august. That is insane going on a cruise right now would be the worst idea for a boat trip since boat trip. And theres big news out of italy, a. K. A. Europes florida. Italy was one of the countries hardest hit by the pandemic. But as of monday, millions of people are returning to work in italy after weeks in lockdown. Finally, italians can get back to work making pizza, preparing tax forms, performing openheart surgery. Thats aspicy amalpractice. Italys Prime Minister<\/a> says italians are now free to visit people with whom they enjoy stable affection, which may include lovers. Of course, for lonely italian farmers, stable affection means something totally different. Oh, trump recently took an hour out of his busy schedule during ede pandemic to sit down with he may skip the correspondents dinner. That is breaking news, because donald trump is not a guy who usually skips cirn. Edia starts g him fairly and claims he had a good time back in 2011, but he had some harsh words for one former host. Its nice to know that trump is staying laser focused on the ball during a crisis. Reminds me of f. D. R. december 7, 1941, a date that will live in infamy because groucho marx is a notalent hack. Im a three stooges man woo woo woo woo stephen trump went on how do these guys get jobs . I dont get it. How does a seth meyers, how does colbert has no talent. Theres nothing funny about him, nothing funny. You look at some of these people and you say, how do they get a job . Well, i cant speak for seth. Hes very talented, but im an idiot. The only reason i have a job is because i married the daughter of donald cbs, and for some reason, he keeps putting me in charge of everything. Another work from home day in the books. Time for a [whistle] charlie, cocktail . Bobby . Mimi . Rodrigo, marchello . Professor smith, would you care to join me for a cocktail in the lounge . Uncle cliff, look at you. Maurice have you met kendall . Kendall have you met maurice . Elanor, back from paris i see. Miss livingston, care to set the mood . Well, i believe were in good company. Lets drink to that. Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. The family has to share one. Are expensive, step up with boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy<\/a> a20 phones when you switch or dont and prepare to lose some furniture got it step up with boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month or dont and remodel the living room switch to boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy<\/a> a20 phones, all on our super reliable, super fast network. As an essential service, boost mobile is committed to keeping you connected by remaining open. Just in case i see your face i may be acting crazy now its getting late they took my heart away but ill be okay, cause in my dream world im still your dream girl ooh, im still your dream girl ooh stephen welcome back, everybody im here just scatin with my friend jon batiste. Babado. Stephen are you writing anything jon . Are you write anything music right now . I am writing a lot of music. I was listening to joe beam. Antonio carlos joe beam. Stephen i dont know joe beam. He wrote the girl from impnina stephen oh, so smooth jon woo stephen jon, could you play us a little song before we go on . Jon yeah, yeah, yeah, lets get happenin. Stephen jon batiste, everybody you know, i spend a lot of time out here carefully picking the ripest news berries from the topical coffee tree, gently handpulping them to remove the bean tem perfection toat strong, yet delicate, italian espresso that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to throw together a halffinished can of and a shot of fireball to create the lawsuitready bootleg energy drink of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, florida deputies arrested a man who had been living out his quarantine on a shuttered disney world island. Of course, he had no chance of hiding from the police. Its a small world, after all. Quarantinewhile, Many Americans<\/a> cant wait for the lockdown to end so they can have their sports back. And some sports arent waiting. Recently, the professional bull riding tour became the first sport to return since the covid19 shutdown. I say, if you really want to bring back bull riding, each rider gets eight seconds to try to put a mask on it. The event was held on a ranch in oklahoma with no fans in attendance, and some say professional bull riding or p. B. R. May have set the template for all other major sports now to follow. Yes, all sports should follow their model. I, for one, cant wait to see the bulls vs. Bulls. The event had no audience, and precautions were taken for riders, who were provided custom masks along with protective gloves and safety glasses, because, as the c. E. O. Of p. B. R. Put it, you cant be too safe. Its a weird comment from the sport of bull riding. Ronnie, i dont care if you just got trampled by a 1,600pound animal. Please cough the blood into your and its not just bull riding. Nascar is scheduled to make its return to racing on sunday, may 17. The event will have no audience but will air live on fox, mrn, and Siriusxm Nascar<\/a> radio. Oh, theres nothing like curling up around the radio to listen to some nascar, then maybe smell a hockey game and lick a track meet. Quarantinewhile, according to a new survey, the cuomo brothers are now more desired than the Jonas Brothers<\/a>. Let me be the first to say i did not realize those sets of brothers were after the same demographic. Being hot is the Jonas Brothers<\/a> thing. Were the cuomos brothers also voted more handy than the Property Brothers<\/a> and more italian than the mario brothers . The survey was conducted by long island matchmaker and matchmaker who is clearly from long island, maureen tara nelson. Every year, nelson asks her clients who they consider an ideal mate, and in her latest batch of responses, the cuomo brothers won in a tie for the most handsome men in new york. So, i guess the cats out of the bag. I dont live in new york. This next story belongs to my longrunning meanwhile subsegment, meatwhile. Meatwhile, costco is limiting how much meat customers can buy. Its really strange to hear the words thats enough from a retailer that will literally sell you a 72pound wheel of cheese. Quarantinewhile, bestselling young adult author Stephenie Meyer<\/a> has announced the publication of a new twilight book called midnight sun. great news for fans of the original books, but a tough break for my competing series doug, the very horny vampire. But this isnt exactly a new story. The book is actually a retelling of the first book from the vampires perspective and this version is much longer. Because the only thing better than a story youve already heard, is a story youve already heard that takes much longer. But this does bode well for more retellings of popular y. A. Novels, like the new Harry Potter Series<\/a> from voldemorts perspective tom riddle and the annoying kid with glasses i keep trying to kill. Thats it for quarantinewhile. When we come back, one of my producers lets his child cut his hair. Its worth sticking around. Keep it clean with the roomba robot vacuum. Only roomba uses 2 multisurface rubber brushes to clean all your floors. And with patented dirt detect technology, roomba finds dirt throughout your home. If its not from irobot, its not a roomba. [sniffing] dont get mad. Get e trade and get more than just trading. Investing. Banking. Guidance. More than ever, your home is your sanctuary. Thats why lincoln offers you the ability topang dealers. An effortless transaction all without leaving the comfort and safety of your home. Thats the power of sanctuary. And for a little extra help, receive 0 apr financing and defer your first payment up to 120 days on the purchase of a new lincoln. 16. laughter how many pints of iced tea are left in the pitcher . Times. Ten. So, wait. errhhhhh do you want to show us the continents on the. No. It is not going good. My mom is getting stressed out. speaks hebrew mommas tired. I, im, like. Woooo. screams sighs heavily so, starting just quickly by breathing in. I never thought id say this, but i kind of miss school the teachers, i mean, yall are gifted people i thank you so much for what youre doing. Their investment into our children is beyond what we can even imagine. Appreciate all that you do. No surprise, im still at home. And chances are, so are you. But while most of us are doing our part to stay home and stay safe, some protesters have actually been risking infection by taking to the streets and demanding nonessential services, like haircuts for example, this protester in wisconsin with an i want a haircut sign. And this guy in los angeles who demanded to know who do i have to screw for a haircut . A sign that really should have read, is there any haircut i could get that would make someone sexually attracted to me . Now, some states have started loosening restrictions on nonessential businesses, but in places like new york, salons and barbershops remain closed. Weve been locked up for almost two moths now, and were getting a little shaggy. But that does not mean you cant still find ways to look good. In fact, one of my producers, barry, recently wanted a haircut, and instead of storming the nearest government building with an automatic weapon, he thought of a way to get one at home. Jim. Stephen hey, barry. Hey, stephen. Stephen how long has it been since you got a haircut . At a guess, five months. Stephen five months . You know weve only been sequestered for 6 weeks. Is there anything youre going to miss about having the long hair . The one thing i will miss is the ability to do this. Stephen what Family Member<\/a> is going to be helping you out today . My 10 year old son. Hey, bud. Stephen i know that you may only be 10 years old, but today, you are a haircutting man. This is your barber mitzvah. Congratulations. What do you have in mind for your dad . Its important that the barber have a vision of what the head should look like. What do you what do you see when you look at your dads head . A stripe. Stephen a stripe . Just a stripe straight through the middle. Stephen just a stripe . Uh, what tools are you going to use . Scissors. Stephen oh let me see those scissors again . That is great if youre going to segment a chicken. Do you have any bandaids handy and ready to go . Do we . We do. Stephen okay, buddy, where you going to start . Front . Back . At the back, back. Stephen good. Good choice yeah, thats it. Just grab some and, yeah, do not hesitate. Get some of that weight out of there. These things are so dull. Stephen sometimes youve just got to muscle your way through the hair. Be careful, try to cut across. Not straight at his spine. We are getting close to that ear on that side, buddy. Oh, that was a good fistful. Stephen that was a good chunk. laughter stephen its like you just removed a muskrat from his head. None of the hair is bleeding, is it . laughter okay, lets, uh, lets maybe do the side of your dads hair . Careful. Its always funny til someone loses an ear. Lets take a little off the top. Yeah stephen maestro. Are you enjoying this right now . Yes stephen dad, would now be a good time to discuss his allowance . laughter well, i think it might be time to give the electric clippers a whirl. How do you even use this . Stephen now imagine that this is a horror movie, and its perfectly dark. Close your eyes, both of you. And just turn that switch on. Its totally dark buzzing this is all you hear. Thats creepy stephen and go. Take your time. Right down the middle, yeah. Okay, lets pause for a second and just see our progress. Does it look good . Stephen im really happy witht. Are you feeling comfortable with those clippers . Again, lets that really captures your attention when he snaps that thing on. Sure does. Whoa stephen barry, have you been able to see yourself at all yet . No. Is it going well . Stephen it is it is very thorough. I honestly love what im seeing. How close do you think you are to being done . Im going to make him go totally bald, because this is fun, so i dont know. Stephen whats left, mr. Barber . A lot of things on the back of his head. Stephen i dont know. I think its looking pretty good, actually. Keep in mind, dont go too deeply, because right under that skin is the brain stem. You dont want to sever the medulla oblongata barry . You have a look. You have the look of the freshly deloused. Hello . You want to bake muffins together . Stephen so now, mr. Barber, a lot of times barbers will offer their clients some product. Thats like a cream. Oh, my god. Thats so much. Stephen all right, great. Rub that on your dads head. Itll give you some control. Yeah, rub it all in. Yeah, yeah. Rub it all in. Oh, yeah. Get some on the sides now. Thats good. That actually helped. Does it . Stephen yes, you look like Stephen Miller<\/a>. Whos Stephen Miller<\/a> . Stephen hes very nice man. He wants only the best for america. Youre getting a turkish massage at the same time. Yeah, spray it down. Make sure really refreshing. Right there . Stephen right there, yep. Ok, uh, now i think it might be time for barry to see his haircut. Im turning on the camera. Im exiting full screen so i can get to oh, my god stephen oh, oh yeah oh, my god. Oh, noooo. What have you done . What do you think, sweetie . Its something. Stephen yeah, youre next you want to have a seat . No, youre not getting near me. Stephen barry, the good news is you dont have to go into the office tomorrow. That is good news, stephen. Stephen thank you. Thank you for your hair, Barry Stephen<\/a> looking good, barry well be right back with the only author who could accurately describe that haircut, stephen king start with a round brush head. How do your teeth get a dentistclean feeling . Add power. And youve got oralb oralbs round brush head surrounds each tooth to remove more plaque. For a superior clean, round cleans better. Oralb. Add some resistance. Sado yt cnuevie plus trial isorancel . O expire. Capital one knows life doesnt update you about your credit card. So meet eno. The capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Another way capital one is watching out for your money when youre not. Whats in your wallet . Yeah, im done after this meeting. Were just going over how people who switch to progressive can save hundreds. Hey mara yeah jamies the guy running it. Mara, youre not on mute. I once had to fake jury duty to get out of talking about his yogurt preferences. Mara, you know youre not on mute, right . Oh, theres a mute button . Yeah, thats flo the one who looks like shed smile while she sleeps. Flo i always smile. Mara thats why i said that. So we did it for you. V8. The original plantpowered drink. Veg up. Is now more important than ever. At sprint, we understand saving money for your family v8. The original plantpowered drink. Thats why were offering our best unlimited deal. Switch and get four lines of unlimited for just 100 a month. Thats right four lines, for 100 bucks if thats not enough, were throwing in four Samsung Galaxy<\/a> phones. On us. And now, sprint customers enjoy expanded roaming access on the tmobile network. Shop from the comfort of your home at sprint. Com or come see us in our stores. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Petsmart has everything your pet needs delivered directly to your door. Or save 10 when you buy online and pick up in store. Now with curbside pickup. Shop petsmart. Com or download our mobile app today. Back back to the show. He is the author behind so many of the stories we love carrie, it, misery, the shining, the shawshank redemption, the outsider, and the stand, coming soon to cbs all access. His new book is if it bleeds. Please welcome to a late show, stephen king stephen king, you your entire career has been imagining horrific scenarios. How are you handling this one in reality . Well, im doing it like everybody else. Im sitting at home most of the time, and when i go out to the grocery store, i wear my little mask. And when i come home, i wash my hands because i can imagine imagination is a terrible thing sometimes when it turns against yourself i can imagine germs as big as wagon wheels on my hands and crawling up my arms and into my face. Stephen well, what do you make of the current horror story that were in and one of the central characters, which is our our president . Well, you know, the the thing about drinking bleach just kind of bowled me over. People have been telling me for years, you know, that i sort of fresaw donald trump. I wrote a book called the dead zone, and there was a character in there, a kind of tv comediantype guy who appealed to the Common People<\/a> and told everybody that he was going to solve the pollution problem, and the problem of garbage. He was going to shoot it all into outer space and then he would hand out hot dogs and hed say, youre going to say hot dog when you elect greg stilson president. And really, shooting garbage into outer space compares pretty fairliy to injecting bleach into the human body i think. Stephen yeah, yeah, i think its on i think its on par. If you had written if you had written the scenario were in right now, would it have gone this way . Is it playing out the way you would have imagined it . Well, i wrote a book called the stand, in 1975 or 76, and im still apologizing for it 40, 50 years later. People will come along and say through their little masks, i feel like im living in a stephen king story. And my response is, im sorry for that. But when i wrote it back in the 70s, i just had this idea based on a Chemical Spill<\/a> in utah. And i went to a doctor that i knew, and i said, could you give me a scenario for a pandemic that wipes out 99 of the earths population . And his eyes lit up. I mean, they love that sort the apocalyptic what if scenario. And he said, well, the flu would be the best thing. Its a virus. Its not dead. Its not alive. Nobody really knows what it is. But the thing about the flu is its the gift that keeps on giving because every year it comes back, but it comes back in a different form, so that you need a different shot for it. And my fear, stephen, about the coronavirus, is that we may get things back to normal, and then want virus mutates, and it comes back, which leaves two possibilities one is that it comes back much weaker and its not much of a problem. But the nightmare scenario which of course is where my mind goes im sorry, but it does is that it comes back more lethal than ever. Stephen your new book is called if it bleeds. Its actually four stories. You know what, stephen, i just happen to have a copy of it right here. Stephen oh, really . Yeah. Stephen you do . Its marvelous. Stephen look at that. Great minds think alike. We each have a copy of it. Its fantastic. Stephen whats the role of a horror story right now when were living in a sort of dystopian future . Well, i think that people do kind of gravitate oward Horror Stories<\/a> when times are tough and times are scary. And thats certainly true now. Because when you go to a horror story, like if it bleeds, or geralds game or any of the stuff ive written all of which are available by mail order or curb service from your local bookstore correct you read it, and the situations are even more horrible than being under house arrest with no toilet paper. And when you finish, you close the book, and youve had a place to put your fears for a little while. Youve been able to say, these problems much worse than my problems, and then you close the book, and you can go to bed and sleep like a baby. At least thats thats the theory. Stephen who of the characters youve written would you least want to be quarantined with . Or or or most. Either one. Its not even close. I wouldnt be to want quarantined with annie wilkes. Because she would think that was a cocka doody brat, and then she would say, stephen, i have a wonderful idea fair book, and i want to you write it or ill cut off your foot. So i wouldnt want to be quarantined with her. If i had to pick somebody that stephen what about Jack Torrence<\/a> . Youd be okay quarantining with Jack Torrence<\/a> from the shining . No, i wouldnt be okay quarantining with Jack Torrence<\/a>, either, because id be afraid hed start writing, all work and no play makes jack a dull boy. Id be worried about that. But i could be quarantined with holly give me from if it beeds. She has her o. C. D. , bells and whistles and ticks and tocks. Shes a fan favorite and is back for this collection. She is, she is. I dont know if shes a fan favorite but shes my favorite. People are going to be stuck with her in this book, anyway. Stephen you recently were asked for your top 10 favorite books, and you put lord of the rings on your list. I am a huge fan of lord of the rings. What is it, from a novelists point of view, what do you like about lord of the rings . Oh, boy, that is one of the books that taught me how to write fiction. Because, okay, so, the hero is a hobbit. Hes a little tiny crete wur furry feet. And he eats 12 times a day. And we know there are no such things as hobbits. But hes an ordinary guy, but hes got a big heart, right . Hes got a huge heart and a lot of courage, and we all wish that we had that, particularly in times like this. And he sets out on a quest with his friends, and i love stories about frernd frendship, strong fellowships. And i i think everybody does. I particularly who is your favorite character in lord of the rings . Can i ask that . Well, sam. Sam was my favorite character from lord of the rings. No doubt about it. Because the line they always remember and it actually brought tears my eyes is when the ring finally got too much for frodo, sam says, i will carry you, mr. Frodo. And he does. Its a beautiful moment, beautiful story. Stephen i like when theyre about to go up into the cracks to throw the ring in there. Its the night before they go up. And he looks at frodo, and he sees a light coming out of frodo. He perceives him as a vessel of light. And he goes, well he loves him, he realizes. And he says, well, hes like that, and sometimes it shines through. I just love that moment where he just realizes that how much love and admiration he has for him. Its a simple story, but its well told, and you can fall into it. Its particularly good in times like these. And i think you and i would both say to people who are getting fed up with being quarantined and thats a good place to go. Thats a good place to put your heart for quite a long time, because theres a lot there. But its one of those books that when i got to the end of it, i said to myself, its going to be a long time maybe its going to be years before i read anything as good as this again. Stephen stephen, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me here. Stephen and thanks for the new book. If it bleeds is on sale now. Stephen king, everybody well be right back. Bang bang, there goes my bang bang, i want my bang bang, i want my bang bang go bang bang there goes my bang bang, go bang bang, there goes my bazooka go bang bang, there goes my bang bang, i want my mind blown, i want my mind blown go bang bang, there goes my bazooka theand we want to thank times, the Extraordinary People<\/a> in the healthcare community, working to care for all of us. At novartis, we promise to do our part. As always, were doing everything we can to help keep cosentyx accessible and affordable. If you have any questions at all, call us, email us, visit us online. Were here to help support you when you need us. Take care, and be well. To learn more, call one eight four four cosentyx or visit cosentyx. Com theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. Everybody back to one. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Dry spray dries in an instant. Leaving these men with nothing to do in this ad. Thankfully, weve got something to fill the time, instantly putting these guys back into their comfort zone. Dove dry spray dries instantly and keeps you protected for 48 hours. The vaccines, we are very confident that were going to have a vaexz at the end of the year, by the end of the year, have a vaccine. Whoa, whats this. We think were going to have a vaccine by the end of this year. Oh, crap, that is so close. Thats, like, this year. Okay, i could do this. Where are my beakers. Did he take the beakers. That guy suction what is the virus again . Names the coronavirus. Oh, thats the hardest one. I guess ill cancer everything. You know what, though, i got this. I am definitely going to stop this virus as soon as trent gives me back my beakers. I love tv. I freaking love tv. This is my body of proof. Proof i can fight moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. Proof i can fight psoriatic arthritis. With humira. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin in psa. Humira targets and blocks a source of inflammation that contributes to joint pain and irreversible damage. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Humira is proven to help stop further joint damage. Want more proof . Ask your rheumatologist about humira citratefree. If you cant afford your medicine, abbvie may be able to help. The last thing you should have is having enough toilet paper. Please know were working around the clock to get you more charmin. Stay safe. Stephen hey, folks. Now performing a very special cover, ladies and gentlemen, sheryl crow. Stephen colbert, leif you. There i said it. Im going to play you guys a song called beware of darkness , from george harrison, who is one of my favorite artists of all time. Its from all things must pass. Watch out now, take care beware of falling swingers dropping all around you the pain that often mingles in your fingertips beware of darkness watch out now, take care beware of the thoughts that linger winding up inside your head the hopelessness around you in the dead of night beware of sadness it can hit you it can hurt you make you sore and what is more that is not what you are here for watch out now, take care beware of soft shoe shufflers dancing down the sidewalks as each unconscious sufferer wanders aimlessly beware of maya watch out now, take care beware of greedy leaders they take you where you should not go while weeping atlas cedars they just want to grow, grow and grow beware of darkness stephen check out sheryls latest album threads. Thank you, sheryl well be right back. Were all doing our part by staying at home. That could mean an increase in energy bills. You can save by setting your heat to 68 or lower. Unplugging and turning off devices when not in use. Or just letting the sun light your home. Stay well and keep it golden. Or not, thats it for another a late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be Robert De Niro<\/a> and New York Times<\/a> food columnist and. Pantry superstar, allison roman. Stick around for james cor baste. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. 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