Senator, any comment on the tear gassing . Me no habla the what is the spanish word for english . What did you think of the president s actions . I enjoy violence against the innocent. Gets me off. Senator mcconnell, was the president s behavior appropriate . Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, arrest development. Plus stephen welcomes charlamagne tha god, and musical guest Tunde Adebimpe of tv on the radio. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen youre in that light. Yeah, yeas comploatly. Just stay there. And you just you just watch the magic. clears throat opinion all right, you ready over there . Yeah. Stephen all right, me, too. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. People are still protesting all across america, and i mean all across america. The only other thing americans agree on this much is pumpable cheese, which is only slightly less toxic than systemic racism. People are enraged by the murder of george floyd by a Minneapolis Police officer a little more than a week ago, and the fact that he was only charged with thirddegree murder, and that the other cops on the scene werent charged with anything at all. Enter Minnesota Attorney general, keith ellison. Ellison took over the case on sunday, and today he announced he will elevate charges against the former Minneapolis Police officer who knelt on George Floyds neck to seconddegree murder, and will add charges of aiding and abetting murder against the other three officers at the scene. So, activism works. Justice is possible, easy peasy. Hold protests for nine days straight in 380 american cities, squeezy. Now, the night donald trump was elected, you might recall i was somewhat emotional. I started drinking, and someday i plan to stop. What i was worried about deep down is that trump is a dictator fanboy. Hes a lifetime subscriber to tiger beat down the protesters. Now were teetering dangerously close to trump making his dreams our nightmare. On monday, just so trump could hobble across the street for a photo op, military police and park rangers fired rubber bullets, tear gas, and flash grenades at peaceful protesters. It was like a little Tiananmen Square or in trumps case tiny man square. And today, trump went on the fox news radio, where you can only hear him lying, and explained it wasnt really as bad as it really was. That story was fake. They didnt use tear gas. They didnt use they moved them out. Stephen remind me to never ask for trumps help when im moving. as trump okay, steve, i boxed up your wine glasses and your old dvds. Now run like hell and shove a wet rag in your mouth, cause it is gas time. You promised me pizza, buddy. No surprise, trump blamed the protesters for everything. Theyre violent people in many cases. You know bad people, okay . A lot of bad people. We have a lot of proof and information and proof. Stephen really . Because it sounds like youre full of crap and bull and crap. Reportedly, trump went medieval on the protesters in part because he was upset humiliated, really about the tv people revealing that he hid in a bunker over the weekend, but he said, nuhuh. The reports were they were so worried, they brought you downstairs in the white house to a bunker. What could you tell me sunday night sunday night was like for you and your family . Well, it was a false report. I wasnt down. I went down during the day, and i was there for a tiny, little short period of time. And it was much more for an inspection. Stephen that is an alltime great excuse. So he was just checking to make sure the bunker was okay. I didnt poop my pants. I just ran diagnostics on my boxers to see if they were loadbearing. They are. Now, trump insists that despite the fireworks and human rights abuse, his visit to the church was a rousing success. Most religious leaders loved it. I heard Franklin Graham this morning thought it was great. And i heard many other people think it was great. The Church Leaders loved that i went there with a bible. Stephen as trump well, it started out as a jughead comic, but iva condto rifonse gods st jabbering on about because, for me, thats a lot of people. Trump also made this surprising claim as you know, as a republican, im doing very well with African Americans and with the vote, in polls, and everything. Stephen as trump thats why theyre in the streets. Theyre celebrating how much they love me, and im joining the party by tossing them a sixpack of love gas. Those are just tears of joy. So, just how crazy are things right now . An anonymous source in the administration felt the need to push back on reports that trump wanted to use tanks against protestors, insisting that the president wasnt ordering tanks to roll down the streets, but was inquiring about the kind of hardware that could be used in military shows of force, and at one point trump threw out the word tanks. thats an interesting defense. as mob boss your honor, i didnt order nobody to kill joey the snake. i was just inquiring about the general nature of accidents, and then i just threw out the word wood chipper. the same official also floated the theory that instead of an order, trump was just free associating, saying tank is just one of the military words he knows. Wow. The commander in chief just throws out one of the military words he knows. I believe he knows five tank, bullet, colonel sanders, capn crunch, and bone spur. Now, trump isnt the only one getting criticism for his fascist photo op. So are secretary of defense, mark esper seen here trying to remember where he last saw his integrity and chairman of the joint chiefs of staff, mark milley seen here being vanilly. You see, one of the hallmarks of american democracy is the u. S. Armed forces proud tradition of reining out ofic emphasize civilian control of the military. Yet, on the way to this photo op that again was preceded by attacking peaceful protesters, esper and milley walked with trump across the street. It reminds me of the old joke why did the defense secretary and the chairman of the joint chiefs cross the road . Because the president is a chicken. The condemnation of this is bipartisan. A republican congressional aide, whos also a veteran, said that esper and milley have squandered the moral legitimacy of a nearly 245yearold institution in a single farcical, latespring promenade. They have no honor, and to hell with them both. Buddy, they work for donald trump. Theyre already in hell. Now, yesterday, esper defended the indefensible, saying, i didnt know where i was going. Youre the secretary of defense, and your defense is that you didnt know where you were going . The rest of us could see exactly where you were going. It rhymes with yahtzee though not as fun for the whole family. Esper scrambled at the edge of the ice again today. I did know that following the president s remarks on monday evening that many of us were going to join President Trump and review the damage in Lafayette Park and at st. Johns episcopal church. What i was not aware of was exactly where we were going when we arrived at the church and what the plans were once we got there. Stephen oh, thats the sign of a great military leader, like henry v. Once more unto the breech, dear friends, although im not aware exactly which breech and what the plans are when we get there thats good, thats really good. Esper has also gotten a lot of criticism for telling governors they had to quell protests by american citizens by dominating the battle space. He had an explanation for that, too. Earlier this week, i was quoted as saying the best way to get street violence under control was by dominating the battle space, and probably all of you who cover the pentagon hear us use this phrase often. Its something we use day in and day out. Its part of our military lexicon that i grew up with. Stephen exactly. People who grew up with a military lexicon use that phrase in all kinds of situations. as officer natalie, youre the love of my life. Will you make me the happiest man on earth by letting me dominate your battle space . Esper floundered on in retrospect, i would use different wording so as not to distract from the more important matters at hand or allow some to sggest that were militarizing the issue. Stephen yes, we must not allow some to suggest hes militarizing just because hes using the military. Shame on some i will dominate them in the battle space. Then, esper dropped this bombshell the option to use activeduty forces in a Law Enforcement role should only be used as a matter of last resort, and only in the most urgent and dire of situations. We are not in one of those situations now. I do not support invoking the insurrection act. Stephen and hes been fired and replaced with a cardboard cutout of robocop. Now, if a military crackdown seems familiar to you, you may work for the c. I. A. , because one former analyst said of trumps response to the protests, ive seen this kind of violence. This is what autocrats do. This is what happens in countries before a collapse. And if youve seen trump, you know he is always on the brink of collapse. He looks like a jenga tower about 12 moves in. And its not just the military, because now ice and Border Agents are being deployed to help with protest enforcement. Oh, good lets cool things down with some famously reasonable and laidback ice agents. If that doesnt work, they can deescalate by sending in some rabid s with running chainsaws. The Border Police are supposed to help guard facilities and conduct arrests, but when asked for more specifics, neither ice nor customs and Border Patrol was able to provide details on the number of agents or other resources they have deployed. as official look, we dont like to fuss over details. As long as, at the end of the day, the cage is full of kids, job well done. These agencies have cool toys that r doesn to provide live video of protests in minneapolis, c. B. P. Flew a predator drone. Oh, nothing says protecting free speech like predator. I cant wait for them to roll out their line of xenomorph info booths and thanos brand medical tents. Getting rid of protesters is a snap infinite slam stephen the administration has also authorized the d. E. A. To conduct covert surveillance of george floyd protests. as undercover guy mahalo, fellow rabblerousers can anyone here score me a granule of your most illicit jazz cigarettes . Three cheers for the underclass, and fudge the police so, if youre out there protesting, please be aware you could be facing agents from ice, c. B. P. , and the d. E. For that matter the i. R. S. , the e. P. A. , and the f. D. A. , who will determine which protesters are richest in riboflavin. These federal tactics are sending a loud and clear message to local police forces, too, who have been coming down hard on peaceful protests. Cops have been meeting unarmed protesters while decked out in full military riot gear. Like yesterday in d. C. , where masked troops stood guard outside the Lincoln Memorial, to which lincoln replied, oh, now youre gonna protect me . A little late, fellas i hope everyone enjoyed the end of the play too soon . Too soon . That is a heartbreaking image. The Lincoln Memorial is an Historic Site for peaceful protest. Its where the womens march started in 2018. Its where Martin Luther king jr. Delivered his i have a dream speech. Its where forrest gump reunited with jenny after returning from vietnam. They were like peas and carrots again it was so beautiful and that wasnt the only display of Massive Force in d. C. Large armored military vehicles drove down the streets of the nations capitol. Secretary esper, do you see where were going now . Its so close, you dont need a ride. You could walk although, really more of a goose step. And just last night, in new york city, hundreds of protesters attempted to cross the Manhattan Bridge after curfew, but ended up trapped on the bridge with police waiting on both ends. Marchers were stuck with no way out for over an hour. Thats horrifying. The only reason new yorkers should be trapped on a bridge for an hour is if theyre inwoi. Im so sorry, katie we were going to give you the cutest little onesie. It had some smocking on the front, little embroidered roses. We turned it into a mask. Of course, when new yorkers are in trouble, theres one man to look to, and he was there on the bridge spiderman spiderman spiderman he can dodge your tear gas can is he woke . Listen guys he believes that all black lives matter. Here comes spiderman we have a great show for you tonight, even better than my singing just now. My guest is charlamagne tha god. When we return, meanwhile join us, wont you . Effortless is the lincoln way. So as you head back out on the road, well be doing what we do best. Providing some calm amidst the chaos. With virtual, realtime tours of our vehicles as well as remote purchasing. For a little help, on and off the road. Now when you buy or lease a new lincoln, well make up to 3 payments on your behalf. And we want you to know that the starbucks app is the easiest way to find your store, order ahead, pay, and pick up your favorites. We cant wait to see you again. When this crisis is dongoing to be over and we dont know exactly when the stock market will reach its bottom, weve got to be prepared for this to last a long time. If you assume that youre out of work for nine months but you end up only being out of work for. My skin geo islaseelso wyanhydrated. Its full of energy. It finally matches me. Im denise bidot, and my skin is powerful. And i can face anything with my olay. With notes of monoi blossoms and coconut milk that ignite your mood. True fragrance crafted only by glade. Sc johnson. Uh, fifteen minutes could save you 15 ain . Or more on car insurance. I think were gonna swap over to over seventyfive years of savings and service. What, were just gonna swap over . Yep. Pump the breaks on this, swap it over to that. Pump the breaks, and, uh, swap over . Thats right. Instead of all this that ive already . Yeah. What are we gonna do with these . Keep it at your desk, and save it for next time. Geico. Over 75 years of savings and service. We stick together, for worse or for better yeah through any kind of weather, come o yo ed. We stick together, we make the sunshine brighter, we make it all feel better, youre my, youre my, woo, yeah youre my family. A portion. A chunk. With dollarbased trading you can spend what you want, even on just a slice of a share. Stephen hey everybody welcome back to a late show. Before we go on. Lets check in with our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Its good to see you again jon hello. Stephen we missed you last night. Jon i know. Its important. You know, this is precise low the time when all of us go to work. This is no time for despair or selfpity and no need for silence. So were using our voice. You know, weve got to do it. Stephen i i absolutely want you to stay safe and stay sound and stay socially distant, even with your social moscow. But, man, i would love to see you play at a protest. Jon you know what . You might just get your chance. Stephen called it laughter jon yes, indeed. Stephen good to see you, jon. You know, i spend a lot of time carefully applying the highend sheer liquid foundation of news and contouring my cheeks to highlight the biggest stories in the instagramworthy makeup tutorial that is my monologue. But once in a while, i just dip my head in a bowl of leadbased paint, grab some rose art crayons and a permanent marker to slap on the deranged clown face of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, Carole Baskin has been awarded the zoo once owned by the Tiger King Joe exotic. Oh, how the mullet has turned joe exotic and Carole Baskin were rival zookeepers in the netflix show tiger king. If you havent seen it, imagine an unemployed magician too irresponsible to sell bootleg fireworks, so instead hes allowed to own endangered megafauna. Joe exotic is currently serving 22 years for plotting baskins murder, and baskin had previously won a milliondollar suit against him, which is why shes been awarded his zoo, which is perfect, because now she has somewhere to hide her current husbands body. Allegedly. Quarantinewhile, in order to maintain social distancing, a high school in florida held a jet ski Graduation Ceremony which im only 90 sure isnt how florida always does graduation ceremonies. Quarantinewhile, brace yourself theres some good news. After going bankrupt and vanishing two years ago, necco wafers are officially back notice i did not say very good news. And youll be pleased to know that they use the same classic recipe. So, dont worry, theyll still have that signature flavor of chalk slurry communion wafer. Quarantinewhile, an alligator who survived the world war ii bombings of berlin has died. Man, those israelis are patient. Saturn the alligator had even escaped the berlin zoo in november 1943, amid allied air raids. And like so many veterans of world war ii, he never talked about it. In a published farewell, the zoo said of saturn, he saw many of us when we were children. We hope that we did not disappoint him. Based on what i know about alligators, if he saw you as children and you made it to adulthood, im guessing he was disappointed. Quarantinewhile, i know in the midst of all this chaos and uncertainty, youre all asking the same question how will fuller house handle Lori Loughlins absence while shes in jail . After agreeing to plead guilty in the College Admissions scandal, loughlin had to be written out of the show in as clever a way as possible. So, in an upcoming episode, while trying to sort out a family problem, d. J. Says to jesse, you dont think that maybe you should run this by aunt becky . To which jesse replies, aunt becky is in nebraska, helping out her mother. Problem solved though, they dont say what shes helping her with, but i hear next season aunt beckys mother gets a full ride at stanford for power lifting. Quarantinewhile, a group of monkeys in india swiped blood samples from coronavirus patients from a local medical college. Ive said it before, and ill say it again medical colleges must stop giv