Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight keep kamala and carry on. And our uninformed correspondent goes for for her covid checkup. Plus, stephen welcomes. Laura linney featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome to a late show. Its once again primary night in america. Tonight, the final and decisive primary in connecticut. This one is for all the marbles, and the crown. The crown made of brass rings. So lets get straight to the action in our continuing walltowall coverage the late show presents the 2020 Party Primaries the local access street to the onramp to the road to the white house. Connecticut, the nutmeg state, grate some democracy on your electoral nog 2020. explosion stephen good evening. I will be with you all night until im not from the late show world headquarters, in midtown manhattan, watching the results from our neighbor to the east, connecticut. Connecticut, of course, comes from a moheganpequot word meaning land of many khakis. And tonight, we learn whether Connecticut Democrats or connecticrats as they have never been called will cast their vote for frontrunner joe biden. Or will Amy Klobuchar somehow garner the 1,984 delegates she needs to secure the nomination. It is a long shot, given connecticut only has 74 delegates, but only time and math will tell. Of course, we will have full cbs Team Coverage of this historic primary all night. No doubt, my colleague Norah Odonnell will be breaking in to report live from manchester, connecticut a. K. A. , silk city once home to the Worlds Largest silk mill, currently home to no less than ten different Dunkin Donuts locations. Norah, are you there . Do we have norah . Im told we have no norah. Do we have the satellite . Is the bird overhead . We do not have the bird yet. We have evidently lost norah. She will be missed. Something to watch for in tonights returns is southern connecticut, where many voters have lost power. Lets go to the mountain dew amped Hartford Courant touch screen. Jimmy, lets do this thing. Lets take a look at the lets bring up the map. laughter do i touch. Do i touch where it says touch screen. Or do is it is it this is not im being told this is not a touch screen, which seems wrong, since i am touching it. Someone should clean that now, because that is a covid vector right now, because i have touched it a lot. Am i being told that we have am i being told we have John Dickerson from new haven . No, im not being told that. Or do we dont have john and im not being told that . Is this neither or neither . Can we check on that . Lets fact check that one. Okay. Well, stick with us for results all night long. We will cover this connecticut primary with the same breathless political horserace reporting that the media did back in february for iowa, new hampshire, and south carolina. Because if we do not, it would mean our primary system is fundamentally broken and some peoples votes are absolutely worthless. Oh, thats thats it . Oh, they are worthless . Okay, my mistake. Lets go over here. Because theres some big news for the democratic ticket, in what many call the veepstakes, but what we here at the late show call the vlottery veeperbowl veeptucky derbveep hot dog veeping contest for veep president this afternoon, joseph r. Biden officially announced that his running mate will be california senator Kamala Harris, seen here realizing she gets to debate mike pence. The announcement came via joe bidens official twitter. I have the great honor to announce that ive picked Kamala Harris a fearless fighter for the little guy, and one of the countrys finest Public Servants as my running mate. laughter to put that another way, who was joes choice . That little girl was me. Stephen this is an historic announcement. Because harris is the first black woman and the first person of indian descent to be nominated for National Office by a major party. So trumps going to have a hard time deciding exactly how to be racist about her. as trump i demand to see both of her birth certificates. Biden promised to pick a woman. And there was a lot of speculation it would be a woman of color, but, still, senator harris is a surprising choice, considering how much they went afternoon him over busing, racial equality. Of she hit him so hard he was spitting teeth like chicklets on the stage. He said. Go easy on me kid. Stephen harris is going to receive a lot of scrutiny. Joe biden has a chronic condition doctors call old. The candidate himself has said he wouldnt seek reelection if his health declined, and called himself a transition candidate. as biden thats right, im a transition candidate, and not just cause these bad boys turn darker in the sun. Its like magic. 23 ski do. Solid, jackson. So thats it. Biden has his running mate. Now the only question left to answer is how will this affect the connecticut primary . Norah, your thoughts . Shes still not there . Shes dropping the ball. Shes norah. Let me know if she shows up. Meanwhile, temporary President Trump gave an interview today to conservative radio host and skeleton dressing up as a man for halloween, hugh hewitt. Trump has spent the last month saying that joe biden is a drooling idiot who couldnt pass an animal shapes test, but he still thinks the bar for bidens debate performance is way too low. You know the way it is, the fake news. If he stands up, and if he is able to breathe, and if hes able to walk off the platform, theyll say it was one of the greatest debate performances in history. Stephen okay, maybe its unfair but its your own damn fault, mr. President. Thanks to the way you shanked the coronavirus response, we applaud any time we see an old guy walk or breathe. Then trump shifted gears to the issue on everyones mind, whether or not the new England PatriotsBill Belichick is a good coach. Belichek is an incredible coach, and i think hes gonna do really well. This guy just knows how to win, and hes a very good friend of mine. Hes a winner. You know, if i ever had a military battle, id call up belichek and say what do you think . What do you think . Give me a couple ideas. Stephen first of all, you do have a military battle. Its called the war in afghanistan, you numb nut. Second, i know football is often described with military terms but you cant win an actual battle by deflating your bombs. Though ive got to say he could have made a worse choice than belichick. as trump were under enemy attack. General goya beans, admiral my pillow guy, what are your orders . Speaking of el president e, there was a troubling moment yesterday at the white house when, just minutes after trump started his press briefing, this happened new record at nasdaq. And the s p 500 and the Dow Dow Jones are going to be i mean, the way theyre going, it looks like theyre just about gonna be topping records, hopefully soon excuse me . Mr. President . Excuse me. Whats happening . Stephen at the time, no one knew what was happening, but if you listen to the enhanced audio, you can hear what they urgently needed to tell the president. Hopefully, soon. Excuse me. Is something going on, mr. President. Sir, the mcrib is back. Stephen obviously, were joking. The fact is, were not entirely clear chapped. We know a man was shot two blocks from the white house by the secret service. Hes in the hospital. Once the situation was all clear, trump came back and continued the important work of saying absolute nonsense about the pandemic. Nobodys ever seen anything like this. The closest thing is in 1917, they say, right . The great the great pandemic certainly was a terrible thing where they lost anywhere from 50100 million people. Probably ended the second world war. All the soldiers were sick. snapping fingers stephen did he just say world war ii ended in 1917 . Is there just a big pile of ping pong balls in his head like one of those lotto barrels and different historical facts pop up at random . as trump uh, in 1917, the spanish flu ended world war ii and Lee Harvey Oswald walked on the moon with cher. Thats where she got the idea for moonstruck. the more you know. Also, setting aside the extremely wrong timeline, trump thinks the war ended because all the soldiers got sick . as trump yep, everybody was so sick that there was nobody left to kill, perhaps the greatest tragedy of all. There is some, maybe possibly, goodish news about the coronavirus out there, because we found out today that, russia registered the worlds first covid19 vaccine. We dont have a lot of details yet, but since its a vaccine from putins government, i assume its administered have a sushi. We better come up with a vaccine fast because americans will not do anything to stop the coronavirus. Take the giant motorcycle rally in sturgis, south dakota. Yesterday, i told you all, despite concerns about the coronavirus, the 10 days of hot hogonhog action is going strong with upwards of 250,000 bikers choare completely ignoring social distancing guidelines. You can see what unfold in the upcoming movie, wild hogs 2 rest in peace. We found out smash mouth played to a packed unmasked crowd in sturgis, and their lead singer had this message. bleep . Grow a pair, roosevelt. Who wants to hear that one song from shrek . Some. Mash mouth isnt the only major band entertaining the bikers because tonight for one show only sturgis is playing host to megarock allstars and friends of the show, flaw. I feel partially responsible for this, because in 2018, i brought them on my show to give them a muchneeded touring van. Yeah, if it wasnt for my generosity, flaw wouldnt be playing tonight at the iron horse saloon on junction avenue in sturgis, south dakota. And they sure wouldnt be playing in august at the lookout lounge in omaha, nebraska. Or at the rhythm city casino resort in davenport, iowa. Honestly, they still might not. That van i gave them was in pretty bad shape, and this christening didnt help. I hereby krin this van flaw laughter laughter laughter laughter but for petes sake, flaw, were in the middle of a pandemic america looks to you for leadership. Chris volz on vocals. Rob buttorff on guitar. Georges octobous on drums. And on bass say it with me touring position im going to be generous and say you guys did not think this one through. If only if only there had been some claw that flaw would ever make a mistake. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to the star of ozark, laura linney. But when we come back, well continue to monitor the situation with the allimportant connecticut primary. And meanwhile flaw here we are a nation divided. Red, blue, 16 percent undecided. But 2020 had us shook. So we gave the world another look. And saw a future of differences celebrated. Every voice advocated. Just imagine the possibility. Of a world where we are we. Brushing only reaches 25 of your mouth. Listerine® cleans virtually 100 . Helping to prevent gum disease and bad breath. Never settle for 25 . Always go for 100. Bring out the bold™ they will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident. Cut is that good . No you were talking about allstate and. I just. When i. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. From allstate. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, theres another prep option descovy for prep. 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Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. The most common side effect was diarrhea. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Words are loud but actions are louder. Step up. Prep up. With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Hi. Whats on your mind . In. Can you help keep these guys protected online . Easy. Connect to the xfi gateway. What about wireless data options for the family . You can customize and save. What about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming . Lets hook you up with the Fastest Internet from xfinity. And now with our stores reopening, were putting Healthy Practices in place. Come visit a store today. Stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Ask. Shop. Discover at your local xfinity store today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Were, obviously, still monitoring the results in connecticut. Lets check in with our chief connecticut primary analyst jon batiste. Jon, whats going on in the nut meg state tonight . Jon well, you see, were having a lot of changes, because things are changing in the world. Stephen thats true. Jon and as things change, they progress. Stephen sound wisdom. Jon, are you aware that today was the primary in connecticut . Jon yes, im aware of that. Stephen you are . Jon yes. Stephen i was not until moments before the show began. laughter . Stephen but i saw the little script here, andy i just read the words and im thrilled. Im thrilled you knew. Thats why youre the best in the biz, jon. Thats why youre on the ground in connecticut are you in connecticut . Jon i think i might be. Stephen but youre not sure and thats part of the report we hope to get to you later, as to where you think you are. Jon yes, i may be in connecticut, but i havent checked. Ill get back to you on that. Stephen thank you very much, thank you very much. Lets keep this situation fluid. Jon yes, we have to keep it progressing. Stephen thank you for that report, jon. Jon absolutely, sir. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Jon signing off. Stephen you know, i spend most of my time carefully carving, honing, and gluing the finest stories and meticulously assembling the days delicate news cogs into the mahogany automaton marionette that is my monologue. But once in a while, i find a motheaten stocking in the attic, stuff it with dryer lint, then hotglue a halfeaten gumdrop to it, and maybe an old button to create the tragic sock puppet of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen in this new era of social responsibility, nasa has Just Announced that theyre dropping insensitive nicknames for cosmic objects, such as eskimo nebula and Siamese Twins galaxy, to which the owners of the Washington Football Team said, slow down. These are all great new team names quarantinewhile, West Virginia is seeing a rise in zombie cicadas. Oh, good. I was afraid nothing bad would happen this year. The cicadas are called zombies because they are under the influence of something called massospora, a psychedelic fungus which contains chemicals such as those found in hallucinogenic mushrooms. So, theyre like regular cicadas, only instead of chirping, they want to debate you on which live version of terrapin station has a better chime solo. And just how does massospora work . Lets find out together first, massospora spores eat away at the cicadas genitals, butt, and abdomen. And second i stop reading before i gouge out my eyeballs. You know, we here at the meanwhile Global Consortium sometimes encounter a bearrelated story so important, that its clear the market is ready for a submeanwhile subquarantinewhile subsubsegment ursinewhile. And, yes, i know its usually pronounced ursign but that doesnt rhyme. Shut up ursinewhile, you may have seen this footage that went viral recently of a black bear in the chipinque ecological park in mexico sniffing around a terrified tourist. Does a bear poop in the woods . I dont know, but if a bear did that to me, i sure would. And even though a wild bear is not socially distancing here, that woman still had the presence of mind to take this selfie with the bear, easily the most reckless selfie since Kylie Jenners great white shark encounter. Well, youll be delighted to know that all is well for everyone but the bear. Because in an unfair twist, wildlife officials in mexico have captured and castrated the bear and will ship him out of his home in the chipinque ecological park to new terrain. This is the worst case of forest injustice since the charmin bear was renditioned to gitmo for rectal rehydration. He did not enjoy the go. Quarantinewhile, the internet was delighted this week by photos of a german nudist chasing a wild boar that stole his laptop. That is the most german thing ever captured on film. He was chased by the man into the undergrowth. I bet everybody involved saw just about enough undergrowth. When we come back, our uninformed correspondent bootsie goes back to the doctor. Stick around. For adults with moderate to severe crohns or ulcerative colitis, stelara® can provide relief, and is the only approved medication to reduce inflammation on and below the surface of the intestine in uc. You, getting on that flight . Back off, uc. Stelara® may increase your risk of infections, some serious, and cancer. Before treatme