Its me and all my analysts who said you wouldnt help me take michigan. Or even the whimsicle, youre a good egg, but im omelette someone else be my running mate. So pick up the v. P. Condolence card collection today, because there can only be one number two. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight thats the ticket. Plus, stephen welcomes april ryan and Jason Sudeikis featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen are we rolling right now . Is this happening . My apologies to everyone out there. I want to approach all these shows with the utmost of professionalism, but i am bonding with the people i have not seen in the past five months, and its heartwarming to almost see them. Theyre both, again, wearing black masks. It could be anyone. They could have been replaced by cheap chinese knockoffs. Welcome to a late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Huge news that shook the world. Im talking about, of course, the connecticut president ial primary. Lets get right to our continuing coverage thw enl access street to the onramp to the road to the white house. Connecticut, the nutmeg state, grate some democracy on your electoral nog 2020 explosion stephen the results are in. With 53 of precincts reporting, the late show is ready to project that joe biden has won the connecticut primary with a commanding 84 of the vote. Bernie sanders put up a good fight, but ultimately couldnt overcome the fact that he dropped out of the race in april. Lets go over here. laughter one person whos got to be happy with bidens win is his new running mate, Kamala Harris. Today, they appeared together for the first time in delaware at greenvilles a. I. Dupont high school where they presented a pretty impressive what i did over summer vacation. Now, because of covid quarantine, the event took place in an empty auditorium. And though there was no audience, it was attended by every flag in the world. It was a warm and energetic launch to their campaign, but when biden took the stage, he didnt pull any punches, especially when it came to trump attacking his running mate. Donald trump is already started his attacks, calling kamala nasty, whining about how she is mean to his appointees. It is no surprise, because whining is what donald trump does best. Stephen as trump thats not true, joe. Whining isnt what i do best. Slowly destroying our Democratic Institutions from the inside is what i do best well, that and sucking down a bucket of wings. Biden explained just why he picked harris. One of the reasons i chose kamala is because we both believe that we can define america simply, in one word. Stephen is it crunchy . Is it salty . Im sorry, im thinking about wings. Go ahead. Possibilities. Possibilities. Let me say it again. Stephen okay, i mean, i heard you the first two times, but if you have to. Possibilities. Thats america. Stephen i think i know what happened here. You want to say hope, but you cant because say hope, because obama already licked that donut, so you had to break out the thesaurus. Get ready to go from hope and change to possibilities and transmogrification. Now, biden made it clear, he was fed up with trump passing the buck. As an old saying goes, give me a break. Stephen as biden as my dad used to say, joe, give me a break give me a break break me off a piece of that american possibilities. now, barack obama you remember him. Obama always said that joe biden was the final person he consulted in any decision. And biden said he wanted the same thing in his Vice President. I asked kamala to be the last voice in the room. Stephen in contrast to mike pence, who has no voice in the room, because its really hard to talk with your lips planted firmly on your boss butt. Finally, it was time for the woman of the hour, Kamala Harris, and the senator reminded everyone just what was at stake in this election. In just 83 days, we have a chance to chose a Better Future for our country. Stephen yes, 83 days until the election. Which in coronatime is. I think three showers . Three showers . Harris then drew upon her history as a prosecutor. As somebody who has presented my fair share of arguments in court, the case against donald trump and mike pence is open and shut. Stephen oh, my god, please prosecute them throw the book at them a literal book or a book of stamps or just a pamphlet i just need to see some kind of consequence and harris unleashed this zinger on donald trump. He inherited the longest economic expansion in history from barack obama and joe biden. And then, like Everything Else he inherited, he ran it straight into the ground. Stephen ran it into the ground . This is donald trump were talking about. At best, he golf carted it into the ground. The celebrations ended with some awkward waving at nobody and standing around imagining what the sounds of a crowd would be like. Its a feeling ive come to know all too well. Thank you thank you please please sit down you cant you gotta stop chanting my name. There is so much more show to thank you. Thank you. Bidens selection of senator harris is an historic first in multiple respects. Shes the first black woman and the first person of indian descent to be nominated for National Office by a major party, but shes not t first woman to run for Vice President. And she got some advice from one of her predecessors, former alaskan governor sarah palin, seen here, as far as i care. Last night, palin took to instagram and advised harris to trust no one new. Okay, but technically, for harris,in is ne so is she saying dont trust sarah palin . That is good advice. In addition to potentially attracting women and minority voters, harris clicks with some bigmoney donors, too. Apparently, wall street is happy, Silicon Valley is happy, and hollywood is fired up. Finally, a candidate who speaks to the heartland. Now, ive had senator harris on the show five times, always impressed with her, and im happy shes gotten this historic opportunity. But i have one beef with the senator she is five months younger than i am. Thats not going to sit well with certain mes. Hopefully, in the general election shell be smart enough to pivot toward being just slightly older than i am. One person who was not thrilled with bidens choice is his opponent, donald trump. Yesterday, the president reacted to the harris announcement, and his criticism had a familiar ring to it. She was extraordinarily nasty. She was nasty to a level that was just a horrible thing. She was probably nastier. She was very, very nasty. Stephen oh, my god how lazy are you. Youre just repeating what you said about hillary. Youre stuck in 2016. And that is not fair. Why are you the only one who gets to live in a time when you werent president . One person trump thinks harris was particularly nasty to is her new running mate. She said things during the debate, during the democrat primary debates, that were horrible about sleepy joe. And i would think that he would not have picked her. Stephen it is true, during the debates, Kamala Harris spanked biden. And trump would never work with a woman who did that to him for free. Now, Trumps Campaign has experimented with calling her phony kamala but, apparently, President Trump is still workshopping effective nicknames. What a wonderful use of the commander in chiefs time. as staffer mr. President , the coronavirus numbers as trump shh not now im making up a new page in my burn book. as staffer mr. President , hundreds of thousands of people are dying. as trump Kamala Harris. Kamala harris. How about chlamydia buttharris . bingo. Hand me that glitter glue. A reporter asked trump whether senator harris is going to help bidens chances and trump said this well, i like Vice President mike pence much better. He is solid as a rock. Stephen well, hes definitely something as a rock. Sedimentary slam stephen trump continued with his praise of pence he is respected by every religious group. Stephen every religious group . Trump said it, so it must be true. Mike pence is the official candidate of the taliban. Pence to america they also wont be alone with call with the fox news. A lot of people think its a dangerous choice. I think, you know, she is the most liberal person supposedly in the senate. Thats pretty liberal. But shes supposed to be the most. Im not sure thats what the country wants. I think if it is, weve got problems. But i would be surprised if it is. Stephen what is he talking about . Harris is an establishment democrat and a forme it is so clear that trump had a different set of opponents in mind, and now hes having trouble changing strategies. as trump Kamala Harris is a socialist. Shes pocahontas. Shes pocaharris also, the internet is full of toxic biden bros quick please someone tell me she had an email server. Maybe one reason why trump is struggling to go after Kamala Harris is that his hearts not in it because and this is true when she was running for attorney general, in california, trump donated to Kamala Harris campaigns twice. Wow, that is embarrassing. For Kamala Harris. And donalds not the only trump whos supported harris in the past, because ivanka trump also donated 2,000 to harris in 2014, which is surprising. Usually, when ivanka gives women money, its three cents a handbag. But theres an additional, even stranger, clearly misogynist attack on Kamala Harris. Because the new Trump Campaign playbook paints harris as power hungry and overly ambitious. Of course shes ambitious. Shes running for Vice President who does that without ambition . Yeah, im running for Vice President. I kind of fell into it. It was a tossup between being the secondmost powerful person in the world and really getting into home brewing. As v. P. , trump is more desperate than ever to appeal to women, especially suburban women, but its not working. 66 of suburban women disapprove of the job trump is doing, which can only mean one thing trump has been putting his yard clippings in the bin clearly marked recycling. They wont pick it up you have to put it in the biodegradable bags so, today, trump did some twitter outreach, posting, the suburban housewife will be voting for me. They want safety and are thrilled that i ended the long Running Program where low Income Housing would invade their neighborhood. Congratulations, mr. President , you managed to be misogynistic and racist in the same tweet. Did you type that from the bathroom or from the 1950s . as trump the suburban housewife loves me as much as she loves frilly , peuomo, and vacuuming to pat boone covers of that dangerous criminal little richard. Tuttifrutti, oh rudy tuttifrutti, giuliani i wouldnt be too confident that trump youre laughing that that joke didnt work. Thats not a laugh of you enjoying a joke. Thats a laugh at me youre laughing at me. laughter dont take that do not take out this exchange. The American People need to see the honesty of what covid has done to our relationship. laughter i wobe too confident that trump has the suburban housewife vote, by the way. Im not sure he has the white house wife vote. We have a great show for you tonight, no matter what he thinks. White house correspondent april ryan is here. And americas sweetheart, Jason Sudeikis but when we come back, more monologue, because donald trump also held some events today. 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Together, we can save energy and money. By taking steps to stay cool while using less. Keep safe and keep it golden. laughter stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. That laughing man you hear in the background is our friend, mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hello. Look at that. Stephen oh, thats very calming. Thats very nice. I need a little bit of that today. What is that . Is that just is that an improvisation . Or are you quoting something . Jon im working on a song for Kamala Harris. Im writing a song in celebration. Stephen oh jon i feel inspiration. Im writing a song right now, and it feels like it has to be something kind of with some beautiful harmonies and a good, strong rhythm. Its a feelgood song. Stephen its got to be complex, too, because theres a lot going on. Jon i know. Stephen with Kamala Harris. Jon i know. Stephen there are a lot of layers there. Jon i know. Its incredible. Stephen can you give us a little bit more of kamalas theme before we go . Jon yes, yes its. So like. The bass. laughter stephen i hope shes watching. I hope shes watching and dancing. That would be great. Jon batiste, everybody. Jon yes. Stephen the pandemic keeps chugging along, even in countries that have done a good job, like in new zealand, where the city of auckland went into lockdown after the first locally transmitted case in 102 days. And im being told we have footage of new zealands minister of health reinstituting their lockdown. Put on a mask stephen that was smart. Im pretty sure that balrog is running a fever. Here in america, the pandemic is still raging, despite Donald Trumps efforts to do absolutely nothing about it. In suburban atlanta, schools have been open for almost two weeks, and things are not going great. Last week, one student tweeted a photo of this crowded hallway. That high school really needs to enforce social distancing. Kids, if you need to keep people away from you, do what i did get this haircut. Its going to get better, buddy. Hang in there. 40 years. Shortly after that hallway photo was taken, the school had to move to Online Learning after reporting nine cases of covid19. And in nearby cherokee county, things were even worse. After reopening last week, they had to close down some schools after more than 900 students and Staff Members in the district were ordered to quarantine. Looks like this years prom theme is going to be enchantment under the plague. No ones been a bigger supporter of reopening the schools than donald trump, and despite all the cases popping up, trump is sticking to his guns. 97,000 children tested positive for coronavirus in the last two weeks of july, according to the American Academy of pediatrics. Does that give you any pause about schools reopening for inperson learning . No, because they may have as you would call it a case. It may be a case, but its also a case where theres a its a tiny fraction, tiny fraction of death. Stephen what a tiny fraction of death is still death that should not happen at schools as official okay, welcome to the bake sale, everyone dont miss out on the jenkins familys famous brownies. Theyre gluten free with just a tiny fraction of death. By the way, tiny fraction of death is also the name of trumps metal band. Today, trump held an event about reopening Public School called kids first also his plan for who to throw off a life raft. The subtitle of the event was getting americas children safely back to school. I want to point out he didnt say anything about getting them safely back home. The event was led by the president , mike pence, kellyanne conway, and betsy devos, who all kicked things off with the right tone by sitting too close together with no mask on. Do as they say, kids, not as they do. Or say. And as everyone spoke, the president just sat there looking like hes on the toilet. 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