Has anyone seen melania . Its a late show with live with Stephen Colbert tonight, spice up your life. Plus, stephen welcomes live senator Bernie Sanders and a sperm performance by Nathaniel Rateliff, and jon batiste. Featuring live, jon batiste and stay homein. And now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. The emotions are running high. I gotta say. Its night three of the Democratic National convention, and once again, we are live all this week, were bringing you every zoomtastic moment, in a fournight megaevent were calling democrats assemble. Are you fired up . And so we fight. It is what it is. Stephen every night of the d. N. C. Has a theme. Monday was we the people, tuesday was leadership matters, and tonight was a more perfect union. Or as trump calls it fourth times the charm . Of course, this week marks 100 years since women gained the right to vote, and tonight there was a powerhouse lineup of speakers including nancy pelosi, Elizabeth Warren hillary clinton, and kamala harris. Its going to be tough for the republicans to match that. All theyve got are ivanka, betsy devos, and a disturbing sculpture eric trump calls lady dad. She loves it. The evening kicked off with wisconsin governor tony evers, who had a very bidenesque call to action holy mackerel, folks. Lets get to work. Stephen what a pleasant battle cry. Gee, golly, gosh. Slap me with a salmon and stick trouser in my trowts. Time to get this fish on the road opening remarks were delivered by Vice President ial nominee kamala harris, who was so rarin to go, she spoke from the truck they ship new Vice President s in. Each of us needs a plan, a voting plan. Stephen yes. For example, i plan on voting, then cracking open a fifth of mount gay and blacking out until the votes are all counted. Of course, this was just a preview for her speech at the end of the night. Ill see you a little later tonight, and until then. Ill be unloading these crates. Joes in one of them. Marco marco the night was hosted by actress Kerry Washington dressed in a striking pinstripe suit that you usually only wear if youre planning on killing the batman. Tonight were going to talk about where we are and where were going. Stephen uh, kerry, were in a pandemic. The answer to both of those is the couch. Then we heard from Michelle Lujan grisham who is the governor of nuevo, mexico. Stephen as trump wait, theres another mexico . Can we get them to pay for the wall . I only got a week. The evening then turned to the overwhelming evidence of Global Warming maybe youve read some of the millions of pages of Scientific Evidence on climate change. Stephen i mean, its definitely on my list. But ill still making my way through the new hunger games. But its definitely on the list. We even got this soundbite from joe biden himself. When i think about climate change, the word i think of is jobs. Stephen really, because the word i think of is aaarrgghh then, we saw a very cool video about america as a country of immigrants. Life in america was not always easy. There was discrimination and hardship and poverty. Stephen and thats just the past four years. Hillary clinton was up next. She took the opportunity to reflect on everything that has happened since she up with the popular vote. For four years, people have told me, i didnt realize how dangerous he was. I wish i could do it all over. Or worst, i should have voted. Look, this cant be another woulda, coulda, shoulda election. Stephen and for four years ive done everything in my power to not punch those people in the face. Hill rye let america know she feels your pain. There is a lot of heartache in america. And the truth is many things were broken before the pandemic. Stephen for instance, the broken horse femur i sent in the jail to james comby still waiting to hear, did you get my message, jim sm upon she hoped trump would do well. The morning after the last election, i said we owe donald trump an open mind and the chance to lead. Stephen okay, thats nice. But remember she also said, we have to poke mango to the polls. So maybe dont trust everything she said. Then clinton put our collective yearning into words. I wish donald trump knew how to be a president , because America Needs a president right now. Stephen can any of you think of one . I can. Heres a hint shes got two thumbs and bites them to keep from constantly screaming. Then we heard from speaker of the house, nancy pelosi, who gave a powerful speech. But the thing everyone is really talking about tonight is this moment from pelosis introductory video. If you want to go into the arena, you have to be prepared to take a punch. You also have to be prepared to throw aw a punch for the childr. The punch for the children stephen thats right, i was on the reel. I got more air time than a. O. C. Im part of American History because i spoke to nancy pelosi, and because i used to be allowed to sit within three feet of senior citizens. Well, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, i did not see this coming. I did not expect it. I get it, but i did not see this coming. Its such an honor yes, i accept your nomination. Thnk you. Thank you. And im being told i am misreading the moment. My apologies. Where were we . Then, Kerry Washington was back to set the scene. In order to get to that more perfect union, we have to acknowledge where we are. Stephen again, the couch. I dont know how many times i need to tell you that. Friend of the show Elizabeth Warren spoke about child care. Im here at the Early ChildhoodEducation Center in springfield, massachusetts, which has been closed for months. Stephen breaking in wasnt easy, but i had a plan, and a crow bar. Warren left a secret message in her set. The blocks behind hir said, b. L. M. Thats really nice. Somewhere a very confused worker at the bureau of Land Management is feeling pretty good right now. Suddenly, he appeared, former president barack obama. Good evening, everybody. Stephen oh, my gosh hes really there its everything i missed obama the constitution a president hair cut hes looks so fresh the constitutional scholar obama came straight out. Embedded in this document was a north star. Stephen and a treasure map, written on the back in secret code. It was up to nicolas cage to find it. Obama said he really thought back in 2016 things might go better. I did hope, for the sake of our country, that donald trump might show some interest in taking the job seriously. Stephen look, sir, i know youre the guy who coined the hope slogan, but even your poster doesnt buy that. Obama reiterated the fundamental basics of the job. We should expect that regardless of ego, ambition, or political beliefs, the president will preserve, protect, and defend the freedoms and ideals that so Many Americans marched for, went to jail for. Stephen and to all those who were jailed fighting for the things i hold dear, ghislaine maxwell, i wish you well. Now, remember no drama obama . Now hes trash talk barack. For close to four years now he has shown no interest in putting in the work. No interest in finding common ground. Donald trump hasnt grown into the jobeuse he cant. Stephen its true. S toddler. Hes the only president who still needs a sipe cup. He obamaedon. No interest in treating the presidency as anything but one more reality show that he can use to get the attention he craves. Stephen well, im not here to make friends. And i have to tell you, barack, that sort of attitude is why im not picking you to go on a date with me in the white house fantasy sweep. Youre here for the wrong reasons. Obama then turned to his Vice President. Let me tell you about my fr stephen i told you we were best friends. Barack and i are closer than two scoops in a cone except im melting a lot faster. Come on, jack hit me with some sprinkles. Just some insulation. Obama peeled back the curtain on trumps moral bankruptcy. Heres the point this president and those in power, those who benefit from keeping things the way they are, they are counting on your cynicism. Stephen jokes on you, barack. I cant count, one, person, man, woman, five. Obama had a strong warning for voters. Do not let them take away your power. Do not let them take away your democracy. Stephen do not let them take away your mailboxes. Maybe put some olive oil them, or some ky jelly, something slippery, so theyre too hard to pick up. Then obama reminded us who has the power to fix our country. You can give our Democracy New meaning. You can take it to a better place. Stephen so new zealand . Then we sponged off our tears. And it was time for the main event, the acceptance speech for the Vice President ial nomination by california senator kamala harris, seen here really enjoying an offcamera puppet show. Harris gave a rivetted speech in front of a long line of, im going to guess flags trump had groped. The v. P. Nom started her speech with lessons she learned from her mother. I do so committed to the values she taught me, to the word that teaches me to walk by faith and not by sight. Stephen as long as you can walk down a ramp, i dont care how you do it. She also shared her vision for the future of this country. A vision of our nation as a beloved community, where all are welcome, no matter what we look like, no matter where we come from, or who we love. Stephen thats right. In america, when youre here, youre family. And thats why im also vote, for unlimited bred sticks, 2020. She also developed the effect trumps presidency has had on the american psyche. The constant chaos leaves us adrift. The incompetence makes us feel afraid. The callousness makes us feel alone. Stephen okay, who gave her our Campaign Strategy . Kamala ended her speech by calling on all of us to think of future generations. Years from now, this moment will have passed, and our children and our grandchildren will look in our eyes, and theyre going to ask us, where were you when the stakes were so high . Stephen again, the couch. But, honestly, after tonight, on the edge of it. We have a great show for you folks tonight. Senator Bernie Sanders is here. But when we come back, i show you living proof of why we really do need a new president. Stick around. We love our new home. Theres so much space. We have a guestroom now. But, we have aunts. Youre slouching again, ted. Expired, expired. Expired. Thanks, aunt bonnie. Its a lot of house. I hope you can keep it clean. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. 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Harmful bacteria lurk just below the gum line. Crest gum detoxify works below the gum line to neutralize harmful plaque bacteria and help reverse early gum damage. Crest. But what if you could startdo better than that . Like adapt. Discover. Deliver. In new ways. To new customers. What if you could come back stronger . Faster. Better. At comcast business, we want to help you not just bounce back. But bounce forward. And now, were committed to helping you do just that with a powerful and reliable internet and voice solution at a great price. Call or go online today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. While the democrats have been laying out a case that trump is grossly unfit for office, trump has been focused on his top priority proving he is grossly unfit for office. For instance, at his press conference today, donald trump colleges including North Carolina and notre dame have suspended inperson classes. Multiple colleges and universities announced that they would suspend inperson teaching. Now, we have learned one thing. Thee is nothing like campus. Theres nothing like being with the teacher as opposed to being on a computer board. Stephen yes, its very tough to learn on a computer board like apples new iwood. One intrepid reporter asked the president about the insane rightwing Conspiracy Group called qanon, which the f. B. I. Has called a potential domestic terror threat. Heres what your president said i dont know much about the movement. Other than i understand they like me very much, which i appreciate. Stephen as trump and that is my only moral compass. If youre a fan of me, im a fan of you. Once again, looking at you, ghislane maxwell. You keep up the good work lady. Whatever it was. I dont know. Im not familiar. Then, the reporter explained exactly what these folks believe. At the crux of the theory, is the belief you are secretly saving the world from this satanic cult of pedophiles and cannibals. Does that sound like something you are behind . Well, i havent i havent heard that. But is that supposed to be a bad thing or a good thing . I mean, you know, if i can help save the world from problems, im willing to do it. Im willing poput myself out there. And we are, actually. Stephen i havent heard anything about that, but coincidentally, we are doing it. I mean, sure, 170,000 people have died from covid, but ask yourself how many people have been eaten . Practically none. And as americans, they have the preexisting condition of being very well mark marbled. Just fall right off the bone. Then he was asked about obamas speech criticizing him at the d. N. C. , and he did not hold back. The reason im here is because of president obama and joe biden, because if they did a good job, i wouldnt be here. And probably if they did a good job, i wouldnt have even run. But they did such a bad job, they stand before you as president. Stephen totally their fault. All obamas doing. He must have been a pretty bad president for people to give a corrupt idiot like me this job. Bottom line, what im trying to say, is im a punishment from god. Thank you, obama. The president also got mad at godyear, the tire people, after a photo of one of their employee training sessions surfaced in which goodyear deemed maga hats unacceptable in the workplace. Yes, studies show maga hats put employees at high resk of having their yogurt spit in. Trump saw the image, and he tweeted, dont buy goodyear tires. They announced a ban on maga hats. Get better tires for far less. This is what the radical democrats, the left democrats do. Two can play at the same game and we have to Start Playing it now. So now, trump is calling for a ban on goodyear, to which i say, americas way ahead of you. We havent had one good year since you took office. But theres just one problem with his boycott, and its 63,000 problems. Because goodyear is headquartered in ohio, which is the 2020 swing state, and they employee roughly 63,000 people. Stable move, genius yeah, you go ahead. Boycott one of the biggest employers in a swing state, and dont forget to boycott iowa corn, wisconsin cheese, and florida messcaters. A critical industry. Their teeth are like that. Turns out, the president s boycott hits close to home. The president s custom limousine, known as the beast, is outfitted with custom goodyear tires. Well, i think you all know what this means. Hes going to have to toss the tires and replace them with goa beans. Well be right back with senator Bernie Sanders. Wanna show you places in my mind wanna show you places in my mind uh, wewe be living for this im ready for this wanna show you places in my mind inside my mind wanna show you places in my mind inside my mind red, blue, 16 percent undecided. Here we are a nation divided. Inside my mind but 2020 had us shook. So we gave the world another look. And saw a future of differences celebrated. Every voice advocated. Just imagine the possibility. Of a world where we are we. Killer attitude. Good moves. Or hydration. Neutrogena® hydro boost. The number 1 hyaluronic acid moisturizer instantly delivers 2 times the hydration. And keeps hydrating all day long. Running dry of supple, bouncy skin . Never hydro boost. Pair with hydro boost wipes to cleanse and hydrate. Neutrogena® another bundle in the books. Got to hand it to you, jamie. Your knowledge of victorian architecture really paid off this time. Nah, just got lucky. So did the thompsons. That faulty wiring couldve cost them a lot more than the mudroom. Thankfully they bundled their motorcycle with their home and auto. Theyre protected 24 7. Mm. What do you say . One more game of backgammon . [ chuckles ] not on your life. [ laughs ] when the lights go down [ laughs ] or an overdue brimakeover. Ll over. Get all your pet essentials right when you need them, with Curbside Pickup at petsmart. And enjoy 15 off when you buy online and pickup in store. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Lets say hello to our friend, mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hello, hello. Were in it right now, historic times. Stephen unbelievable. Did you see the speeches tonight . Jon yeah, yeah, i saw some clips, and i recorded it. And i really love a lot of stuff that happened. Kamala, historic. Stephen beautiful. Our president saying the right kind of things a president should say on the podium. Stephen thats right. laughter inspiring. Jon he took down he said a lot of stuff that he doesnt always he dont always go there. Stephen no, i think this might be one of the most important, impactful speeches hell ever give. I hope people listen and take action. And you know what e