Announcer its a late show live with Stephen Colbert tonight land of opportunity. Plus, stephen welcomes keanu reeves and alex winter and former congressman trey gowdy. Featuring, live, jon batiste and stay homin. And now live from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a late show im your host, Stephen Colbert. We just walked in this room. We just literally finalized the script. I cant wait to find out what we just wrote. This is going to be really exciting, i havent even had time to prep my eyeballs because theyve had quite a beating tonight. We are live for the second night of the Republican National if you missed last night, congratulations. Despite promises of positive message, it was a dark, angry propaganda with terrible production values. They should have called it triumph of the will this be over soon . One big problem is trump and the g. O. P. Were in covid denial for months. The democrats actually looked ahead, made time to produce something for their convention, four pretty smooth nights. The republicans had to cram at the last minute. I dont understand why cant i just pay someone to take the convention for me . Since they had no time to prep, eos and of cool videos and lo. C. Wasn shoots, the r. N. C. Was mo mostly a single location with speakers taking turns at the podium. The evening looked like a racist can i have the words language of origin, and then have the word arrested by ice . thank you. To bring energy, a lot of speakers replaced nuanced argument with screaming. Its hard to imagine this week is going to get louder than last night. What what do you think, Kimberly Guilfoyle . The best is yet to come stephen well, it couldnt, get much worse w thought. Get much worse he thought. So lets get to night two of what were calling. Rica this american carnage. explosions roaring be best. I alone ca im mike pence. I alone can fix it im back hey hes so high, dad en hes so high, dad stephen now, you know trumps got to be upset, because last night, tv viewership was way down. The g. O. P. Drew just 15. 8 million people, while the first night of the d. N. C. Attracted 18. 7 million viewers. Unfortunately for trump, neilsen doesnt have an electoral college. Nor does it count the millions of people with their tv sets off who still heard Kimberly Guilfoyles tortured cries echo through their dreams. Night two, trump wasnt going to make the same mistake. The reality show star pulled out all the stops, including pardoning a convicted felon on national tv. Uh, no, not that one. Or that one. Or any of these. No, the man trump pardoned was john ponder. Ponder has a really wonderful and inspiring story. He robbed a bank in nevada, and later funded a founded a isoners incorporated that helps former inmates reenter society. Were a lot alike. You say bank robber. I say bankrupter. Lets call your sentence off hen we then we heard from kentucky senator and toothbrush that needs replacing, rand paul. Paul spoke glowingly of trumps character. Ter. Onald trump is a delusional narcissist and an orangefaced windbag. Stephen im sorry, that was 2016. This keeps happening. Again, i thought they were going with the same program he kept the same hair. Okay. H also heard from a farmer who talked about surviving a fire and coming back with the latest in dairy technology. We had a new stateoftheart robotic milking facility that allows our cows to milk themselves. Stephen yes, the cows milks themselves, but Jerry Falwell jr. Watches. More on that later. The next speaker introduced himself thusly. Hello, folks. You know me from tv and radio. Stephen nope, actually i know you because we had the same coke dealer in the 90s and spider wants his cash, larry kudlow unveiled the administrations new plan to top covid pretend its already over. Then came a once in 100year pandemic. It was awful. Stephen why are you using the past tense . You know we still cant shake hands in the most Popular College dorm is childhood bedroom, right . He continued to look back on the present. It was awful. Health and Economic Impacts were tragic. Hardship and heartbreak were everywhere. Stephen could you be a little more blase there, lar. People died. Poor folks hearts were sad and lost millions of money. Sorry for the low energy, but don jr. Swiped my coke. Then Vice President pence showed up and drove home his core message that he is extremely boring. Every single day without fail, President Donald Trump has been fighting for you. Stephen and he will continue fighting for you, provided you are the last trump stick in the bucket. Pence i needed coffee to stay weak before i said the word mike pence. Pence told the story of a student in trouble. Jack is an eightyearold from wisconsin. Who was struggling academically and socially in school. But jacks mom, sarah, who works through jobs to support hir son, applied for wisconsins School Choice voucher program. Stephen hey, mike, not to take anything away from your school thing, but maybe fix the part where shes working three jobs. No . Okay, sorry. Next up, a potus surprise trump and his illegal Homeland Security secretary, chad wolf, presided over awe naturalization ceremony for a group of proud new american citizens. Good for them. And after theyd been sworn in, trump touted the nation theyd joined. You earned the most prized, treasured, cherished, and priceless possession anywhere in dhe world. Its called american citizenship. Stephen you can now receive a u. S. Passport, which ksanks to my leadership of covid, is not accepted in any countries but it does get you into participating hardys locations. Crispy curls and a coke, trust my on this one. Then there was an eric trump sighting. He is clearly watching the ngn. C. Because he tweeted this review of last nights by former n. F. L. Star hershel walker. He hit it out of the park tonight. Thatot wey do in n. F. L. Hershel walkerrer did a slam huff dunkal. He netted a good tennis. Yawtsy eric came out its hard to talk after you do that. Eric came out with a strong start. We could all feel it. Something was happening. A movement was forming just below the surface. Stephen eric, did your father never have the talk with you . Okay. Young man when a young man meets a porn star and has a rolled up copy of forbes you know the story. Albaghdadi sewel sewell manu dead. That sowns like a list. Democratic norms. Dead. My soul from watching these last two nights. Dead. Stephen he finished with this in closing, id like to speak directly to my father. M stephen hello, my name is eric and its a pleasure to meet you. Would you like a booth in the front or the back . laughter eric had a lot to say. Which is a big change. Yesterday this is true the new York AttorneyGenerals Office asked to have eric testify in an inquiry into whether the Trump Organization committed fraud. It wasnt feeling that chatty then. Instead, he decided to take the fifth, no surprise. Erics been taking the fifth for years in trumps ranking of his children. But pleading the fifth can seem incriminating, according to imics dad who said this in 2016 about his democratic opponent people taking the fifth amendment. You see the mob takes the fifth. If youre innocent, why are you taking the fisk amendment. Stephen oh, no, im just like hillary clinton. Lock me up lock me up lock m im sorry, dad. Hello, my name is eric. Would you like a booth in the front or the back . Our special tonight is scrod. laughter we also heard from secretary of state and americas highest ranking gungin, mike pompeo. Pompeo addressed the convention from jung kook as part of a taxpayerfunded trip to the middle east. Pompeo in the middle east inspires this appearance from my middle finger. Because our taxes flew him to do his little propaganda speech from juruse lem. You know what they say in passover, next year in prison. Fact that hes spooking at all in a convention, is none bueno, because traditionally secretaries of state should not be mixing directly in domestic politics. The secretary of state works for the american people. He shouldnt be taking sides in our election. He should be meeting with foreign leaders to get them to take sides in our election. And then, it was melania time and she dressed to impress or command the soviet tank corps. Melania marched our down memory lane. It seems like just yesterday when my husband accepted the republican nomination. Stephen counterpoint, no it doesnt. Melania talked about her own citizenship journey. I was able to achieve my own american dream. Stephen partying with Jeffrey Epstein and ghislaine maxwell. She reminisced about her years in the white house. The past three and a half years have been unforgettable. Stephen except for those weird 24 days in 2018 where no one saw me or knew where i was. Lets forget about those. During his wifes speech, it looked like donald trump was having a really great time. I hate these recitals. Which one of my children is this . Is that turfany or malaria . Then, melania laid out her plans for a second term. In my next four years as first lady, i will continue to build on be best. Stephen just saying, if you have to rebuild on it, maybe it wasnt best. And to recap, last night was loud and alarming. Tonight was slow and boring. Dont worry, tomorrow nights keynote speaker is mike. How long was i out . We have a great show for you tonight. Mike guests are bill and ted themselves, keanu reeves and alex winter. Well also get a convention reaction from former republican congressman trey gowdy. But when we return, we tack a deep dive into the hypocrisy pool. Stick around. Can t when we return, we tack a deep dive into the hypocrisy pool. Stick around. Go go go go go go go on a real vacation. Visit go rving. Com or your nearest rv dealer. Scratch that,cation. Baby, im grateful got to say its really been a while but now ive got to crack that smile smile, hey check everything off the list with contactless ways to get ready for school at target. Im a verizon engineer, and im part of the Team Building the most powerful 5g experience for america. Its 5g ultra wideband, and its already available in parts of select cities. Like los angeles and in new york city. And its rolling out in cities around the country. With massive capacity, its compared to a two laneh dirt road. 25x faster than todays 4g networks. In fact, its the fastest 5g in the world. From the network more people rely on. This is 5g built right. Only on verizon. I can tell that they used your milk, matilda. Great job [moo] youre welcome. Breyers Natural Vanilla is made with 100 grade a milk and cream and only sustainably farmed vanilla. Better starts with breyers. We love our new home. Theres so much space. We have a guestroom now. But, we have aunts. Youre slouching again, ted. Expired, expired. Expired. Thanks, aunt bonnie. Its a lot of house. I hope you can keep it clean. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. Which helps us save a lot of money oh, teddy. Did you get my friend request . Uh, ill have to check. doorbell ringing aunt jonis here for bundling made easy, go to geico. Com. Hello . Red, blue, 16 percent undecided. Here we are a nation divided. For bundling made easy, go to geico. Com. But 2020 had us shook. So we gave the world another look. And saw a future of differences celebrated. Every voice advocated. Just imagine the possibility. Of a world where we are we. An extra 15 credit on car and motorcycle policies . Thats great thats 15 on top of what geico could already save you. So what are you waiting for . John stamos to knit you a scarf . All finished, jean. Enjoy thank you. I give. The stitch work is impeccable. Its just a double fleck pattern with a reverse garter stitch. No big deal. Is your hair this soft . Softer. Geico. Save an extra 15 when you switch by october 7th. Welcome back to a late show. Im still Stephen Colbert. Lets say hello to our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon, how are you. Jon yes, indeed, im over here grooving. Stephen whats on your musical mind tonight . Who are you thinking about . Jon im thinking about my folks in louisiana. Stephen give my best to your family. I hope they stay safe. Give us some long hair. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen stay live. Now, folks, i alluded to this next story in the monologue tonight. But theres one guy who wont be speaking at the convention, and thats Liberty University president Jerry Falwell jr. , seen here unzipping to leave room for the holy spirit. Falwell spoke in 2016, because he was the very first evangelical leader to endorse donald trump. It turns out, theyve got a little more in common than you think. You see, falwell and his wife have had a very public feud with their former partner giancarlo granda, who they went into business with shortly after meeting him while he was working as a hotel pool boy. Now, i know what youre thinking and get your mind out of the gutter, because i need room for my mind down there. Because youre absolutely right. H eer years i pool boy, and falwell claimed he blackmailed them. But granda denied blackmailing the falwells, and gave this interesting detail of the affair. , becki and i developed an intimate relationship and jerry enjoyed watching from the corner of the room. Listen, i am not here to kink shame. I believe whatever happens between consenting adults is perfectly fine, and i believe Jerry Falwell jr. Wants to watch them from the koirn of th cornee room. What i dont dig is hypocrisy. While carrying on with this pool boy, falwell was still president of a university whose code of conduct says sexual relations outside of a biblically ordained marriage between a natural born man and a natural born woman are not permissible at Liberty University. But theyre clearly forgetting the biblical story of adam and eve, and kevin who watched from the free. Oh, no, no, leave the fig leaf on laughter polish the apple, polish bite it. Again, im not looking to judge or shame someone elses consenting sexual encounters. Thats falwells job. Granda backed up his claim with plenty of eviden feinbe d two dcussed their relationship while jerry piked from behind a door. You know the old saying, every time god closes a door he finds a naked Jerry Falwell jr. Playing the organ. Again, again. laughter whatever makes you happy, jer. Facing all of this evidence, yesterday falwell agreed to resign from Liberty University. Then reversed course. Come on, hes in, hes out, hes in, hes out all the rest of us can do is sit back and watch. laughter clears throat late last night, falwell resigned again explaining that the affair led to stress, weight loss, and the feeling that he was living on a roller coaster. Yes, specifically, the Great American thunder. You must be this hypocritical to ride. Fallwill says hes moving on from Liberty University, predicting i see a role in other areas. I dont know what it is yet, but im not done. This happened for a reason. I like to think its because god wanted to hear me tell these jokes. This would all be a minor case of religious and sexual hypocrisy if it wasnt for one troubling detail. Last year, Michael Cohen claimed he helped bury personal photographs for Jerry Falwell jr. Before the evangelical leader backed trump. Hm. Sounds like blackmail. In fact, heres donald trump shaking the hand of the pool boy and no surprise falwell is watching. Well be right back with bill and ted stick around, everybody. Tmobile and sprint have merged. Now tmobile has thousands more locations across the country. More towers and more cover te now tmobile has thousands more locations across the country. Tmobi is amicas largest 5g network. With more 5g coverage than verizon and at t combined. Experience it now with our best deal ever. Unlimited for 25 dollars a line for four lines with 5g access included. Resear at amaz. Bilien Climate Change is the fight of our generation. The biggest obstacle right now is that were running out of time. Amazon now has a goal to be net zero carbon by 2040. We dont really know exactly how we are going to get there. Its going to be pretty hard. But one way or another were going to reduce our Carbon Footprint to net zero. I want my son to know that i tried my hardest to make things better for his generation. The restaurant and watering hole that catered to closing in 4 months. I want my son to know that i tried my hardest so many including the staff. announcer mr. Peter walsh. Peter. peter walsh people came and they met and they felt comfortable. Its what we did with coogans. You felt safe and, if you were safe, you could be joyful. And, if you were joyful, then you could really go home with the dream that you had. woman 1 really, really fun times. man 1 you just end up there for hours. woman 2 its like the hear anecial placr me. peter walsh everybody has a coogans. And in the next three months, almost half those small businesses, they could close if people dont do something. We have to keep our communities together. Thats how we get through this. Stephen welcome back, everybody. You may know my guests as bill s. Preston esquire and ted theodore logan. Theyre together again in the new film, bill and ted face the music. Greetings, my excellent friends. Do we know you . Im kelly. Wait, youre rufus daughter. I am. And ive been wanting to meet you my whole life. It must be very disappointing. Not at all we have a problem, gentlemen. Potentially a very serious problem. About the music . About the music they just want to talk to you. Dude, ive got a very bad feeling about this. It will be fine, ted. They totally love us in the future, dude. Stephen please welcome keanu reeves and alex winter. Hey, fell as. Hey, there. Stephen thanks so much for being here. Of course, thank you. Thank you for having us. Stephen in the world of covid i can never really tell where anybody is. Where on this planet are we talking to